Coyotes v Blue Jackets. Blue Jackets. BLUE. JACKETS.
December 23rd, 2009 | by TJ |“Ok, well, I’ve got to go, Mom, we’re going to see the Coyotes play the Blue Jackets.”
“Who?”
“The Coyotes and the Blue Jackets?”
“Oh… ?”
“Hockey?”
“Oh… minor league?”
“No… NHL.”
“Oh… well… ok, honey. Have… fun?”
Ok, guys, look. Phoenix has an NHL team.
I swear.
Stop laughing.
Look, they have a Twitter.
AND a Facebook.
So you know they have to be legit.
I mean, it’s not like just anyone can go and get one of those.
I don’t know what to say to you about the Columbus Blue Jackets, though.
That’s a pretty stupid name for a hockey team.
I’m sorry if you’re from Columbus. I’m sure your city is lovely. Your hockey team’s name is stupid.
Now, personally, I am a New Jersey Devil’s fan, much to the disgust of my grandmother.
Yes, grandmother.
But even though I am a New Jersey Devil’s fan, let me tell you why the Phoenix Coyotes are totally adorable.
First? This dude was there, practicing his total bad ass face:
Apparently? He was so good at making his bad ass face that he terrified a man standing down there and he got to take a picture down a secret hole. I took a picture of him taking a picture down the secret hole:
If you’re a real bad ass and you get to take pictures down the secret hole, this is what you come back with:
Anyway, back to telling you why the Phoenix Coyotes are adorable.
First, the fans.
I’m not quite sneaky enough with my new, non-existent camera skills to take pictures of actual people yet, so you will have to deal with my WORD-PICTURES, a la eight grade Language Arts.
Sitting behind me and to the right was a woman who was narrating the entire game in completely obvious language and throwing in the very few hockey terms she knew as often as she could. You know that insurance commercial with the pothole? You know, “Oh no! Your tire’s all flat and junk!” Imagine that voice, except saying, “Oh no! Slap shot!,” at least six times. And maybe one of those times was for an actual slap shot. And the “Oh no!” part wasn’t even remotely applicable.
During a very close call at the net, she’d say “Oh, it almost went in!” or, in an aggravated tone at a near miss, “Shoot it again!” as if lining up the perfect shot to take it again was so simple that she couldn’t understand why they weren’t doing it.
Oh no, slap shot!
Then? To Phil’s left? Was a later middle aged man, apparently there by himself, who was giving the team instructions, you know, like most men do when they’re watching sports. He wasn’t too loud or annoying, and he’d yell things like “Get it out of there!” or “Move that puck!,” you know, standard hockey stuff, and follow it up with “Yeah.”
You notice I said “Yeah.,” and not “Yeah!”
There’s a difference. He wasn’t like an excited “Yessssss!” Instead, it was just a confirmation, like “Yes. Exactly. You have done as I have instructed you.”
Our seats were quite excellent.
This Zamboni looked JUST LIKE A TRUCK.
So, anyway, back to how adorable the Phoenix Coyotes are. If I wasn’t already a New Jersey Devils fan, I might want to be a Phoenix Coyotes fan. Because when there is a goal? They play scenes on the big screen from TEEN WOLF. And then, all around the arena, a big screen scrolls like this:
And do you know what, Internet? Everybody does. And it’s adorable.
We didn’t stay for the whole game, because I wasn’t feeling well. I’m actually pretty sure I am dying, which leads me to something completely unrelated which I’m going to tell you about right now because this is my blog, but I’ve got this cold which has been pretty steadily worsening, leading down the path which I am reasonably certain ends in my death, so I have, of course, been informing Phil several times a day that I am dying. Like this:
“I’m dying.”
And he replies, “You’re not dying.”
And that’s nice and all, but not one single time has he followed that up with, “you just can’t think of anything good to do,” like Ferris said to Cameron. And I have kept hope alive up until this point, but I think that after three of four solid days of declaring my impending demise, it is time to give up hope that Phil will ever quote Ferris Buller to me on my death bed.
Anyway, Internet, I took some pictures of actual hockey, but I’ve got to be honest with you, most of my camera memory card is full of pictures of this giant flying taco:
Also, if this was MY kid? I would probably tell him that this was the best moment of his life, for the whole rest of his life.
Actually, I am adding this to my list of crap to do to my kid some day. Get him on the Zamboni at a professional hockey game and spend the rest of his life telling him he peaked at age four.
I am going to be the best* parent ever. Y’all just wait until this is a mommy blog. You’ll see.
*By “best” I mean “most hilarious” which is what matters to ME.
By Knoxville Buckeye on Dec 23, 2009
I agree the Columbus Blue Jackets is a TERRIBLE name for a hockey team.
BUT!
They are MY hockey team. When the NHL came to C-bus there was a campaign going around town to name the team the Columbus Mad Cows (since most of us – despite protestations that we don’t – accept that C-bus IS a cow town). This would’ve been a much better name…
Imagine – a jersey with a bull’s head with rabid froth coming out of its mouth? Not to mention the spots on the jerseys…..And of course, the team WEARS jerseys…and we all know that there are cows out there called Jersey cows – so that means the jerseys would be like almost free right?
Anyway…the Blue Jackets are my team now…
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TJ Reply:
December 23rd, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Hey, at least they’ve got a fan! The Coyotes have two or three fans, too.
Arizona is so full of transplants that people move here already fans of the teams of the cities they’re from. It’s really hard for Arizona teams to develop a following, unless they buy a championship *coughDiamondbackscough*
And it’s especially hard with something like hockey – it’s just surreal and kind of hard to get into a winter sport in an area where winter never happens.
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Dammerung Reply:
December 23rd, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Winter happens down here in the SW. I swear it got down to 33 DEGREES F a week ago. We chopped up the couch and had to make a fire to survive!
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By Becky on Dec 23, 2009
Um, perhaps the reason some of the rest of the country doesn’t know about the Phoenix team is because there are only 50 or so people at the game to spread the word about their facebook and twitter accounts? What is up with that?
Of course, I may be biased as I live in MN, land of “Hockey games are the social event of the year!” and “We only play other sports because we are keeping in shape for HOCKEY.”
I liked your pictures, though. Our Zamboni looks like a Waste Management (garbage) truck. Not nearly as exciting as your pickup. Do they play the annoying “I wanna ride the Zamboni” song while yours is out there? Because that song makes me want to shoot myself in the head after I’ve heard it 14 million times.
God. Sorry about the book I’ve written. It’s what happens when you mention hockey to a Minnesotan.
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TJ Reply:
December 23rd, 2009 at 1:39 pm
That was another reason why I would totally be a fan of them if I didn’t already have a team – the arena was so empty, I felt bad. Hockey isn’t exactly a big crowd draw out here.
And no, they did not play the Zamboni song – lamesauce. Hockey is still trying to put down roots out here, which is a shame, but it’s still pretty up in the air as to whether or not Phoenix is even going to get to keep the team at all.
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Awlbiste Reply:
December 23rd, 2009 at 3:35 pm
What Minnesota do you live in? My Minnesota lives for football. At least up here. I do remember Hockey being a thing in southern/Twin Cities-area Minnesota though.
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By Mikey on Dec 23, 2009
I have to say i helped open the Glendale Wal-Mart some years back and they were finishing up the giant hockey arena and you could see it from the parking lot at Wal-mart. I casually asked what the giant building was and someone told me it was the new Arizona hockey team arena. Naturally the next words out of my mouth was “When the f*ck did arizona get a hockey team?”
Since i am a rabid Jersey Devils fan i was stoked to hear the first game in the new stadium would be between Jersey and Arizona.
Alas being an Eastern Carolina boy stuck in AZ by myself i didn’t go because i would have hated to be the only Devil fan there by myself having to fight off a whole state.
After seeing the pics i kinda wish i had gone then lol.
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TJ Reply:
December 23rd, 2009 at 1:40 pm
You wouldn’t have been outnumbered, most likely – Arizona as a whole is almost all transplants. Any sporting event has a TON of fans of the away team.
Also, now you know of at least one other Devils fan in AZ.
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Pablo Reply:
December 23rd, 2009 at 2:45 pm
I loved that you could start a conversation with damn near anyone in Phoenix by asking “So…where are you from originally?”
I hated that on the rare times that it did rain, all those native Minnesotans and Wisconsonians forgot that they had ever before seen wet pavement. Serious chaos on the highways for a 1/4 inch of rain.
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By Tami on Dec 23, 2009
Blue Jackets?
I mean. Yellowjackets makes sense – that’s a wasp-thing. You can make a pretty awesome looking wasp-thing as your mascot and people take you seriously and cheerleeders are all “Goooooo Yellowjackets!” and the crowd can make like…buzzing sounds or something.
But Blue Jackets?
What’s their mascot? A guy wearing a coat?
Cheerleaders shouting, “Look out, I think the hem is unraveling!” and the crowd rapidly zipping up and down in response seems kinda…
…yeah.
I had to know, so I just looked them up.
It’s a star. It’s not even a blue star, it’s a star with a blue background.
It’s pretty, but now I’m even more confused.
Columbus, you deserve a better team name!
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TJ Reply:
December 23rd, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Dude, I don’t want to make this any more ridiculous than it already is, but… they weren’t even wearing blue jackets.
Or even wearing jackets.
OR EVEN BLUE.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/temerityjane/4208891447/
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Tami Reply:
December 23rd, 2009 at 1:50 pm
How do you have a COLOR in your TEAM NAME and then not feature that color in your uniform?
I mean, unless they were trying to be ironic? Maybe that’s it.
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Knoxville Buckeye Reply:
December 23rd, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Well our HOME Jerseys are all blue.
And Stinger (I’m embarrassed to say I had to look up the mascot’s name…) wears a Union Army Blue Jacket….
Which is where the name is supposed to come from anyway…
/cry….I still wish we were the Columbus Mad Cows…..
Some folks also wanted a theme for the name since based on the old Ohio Penitentiary which was the previous building on the site where they built Nationwide Arena, but I guess the Columbus Felons wasn’t the message that they wanted to portray.
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Argent Reply:
December 24th, 2009 at 1:54 am
I can’t be 100% sure, but I think “Blue Jacket” is probably a reference to the Shawnee war chief of the same name. If I remember correctly he was from the Ohio area.
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By JdJdJd on Dec 23, 2009
I have only one thing to say to this.
GO KINGS!
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By TheWicked on Dec 23, 2009
I usually don’t watch hockey, but when I do it’s usually the Blackhawks. Go Chicago! However I live in Ohio, only about an hour away from Columbus.
Blue Jackets is a pretty horrible name for a hockey team unless all your fans are American history buffs.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_Jacket
Now you know. And knowing is half the battle. The other half is violence.
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By Awlbiste on Dec 23, 2009
Yeah.
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By Furbs on Dec 23, 2009
I’m from Vancouver. Up here we call them the hummers, because Blue Jackets can be shortened to BJ. Frankly, I think naming your hockey team after a naughty good time is pretty badass. Good for you Columbus. /salute.
BTW, kid riding the Zamboni, AND gettin on the jumbotron? your parents pulled some strings, they must love you very much. You are a lucky little man.
Seeing all those empty seats just breaks my heart. /sad fan.
Hope you feel better soon TJ, thanks for all the hockey post.
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By Kerin on Dec 23, 2009
You’re actually lucky you still have the Coyotes. I’m from Hamilton, Ontario, and we were all REALLY hoping that Jim Balsillie would succeed in buying the team and moving them here.
But of course the NHL don’t like Balsillie so that all fell through. It’s a shame, because every single Coyote game would be a sell-out if they were the Hamilton Coyotes right now, instead of the Phoenix Coyotes.
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TJ Reply:
December 23rd, 2009 at 5:01 pm
You’re right, that is a total shame. Seriously. While I truly like having access to hockey 20 minutes from my house right now, seeing the 2/3 empty arena is a damn shame. I feel really bad for the team. They should be playing to a packed arena. The fans that ARE there are enjoying it, but… the players should be playing to a full house of people that are there for the home team. I hope you guys get another shot at the team!
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By Bellwether on Dec 23, 2009
I went to two Coyotes games when I was little. Most fun I’ve ever had at a sporting event. And I hate sporting events. But the Coyotes know how to keep a kid entertained!
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By Mary on Dec 23, 2009
Yay hockey! (Go Thrashers! *halo*) *scuffle/duck/flee*
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By Bernie on Dec 24, 2009
New Orleans used to have a hockey team. They disappeared after Katrina. So apparently any podunk town with an ice rink can have hockey.
I went to a few games and I liked it. I can almost follow the games. Any sport with sticks has to be fun.
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By Delicia on Dec 24, 2009
*cough* as a former columbus-ite I should take offense.. but I’ve always thought the name and the mascot were stupid. I’ve never been able to get into hockey, though if you actually go to the game in person it’s probably better.
-Del
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By Kelly on Dec 28, 2009
The coyotes rock! I went to a game last year, and was just floored because I was in the same room as Wayne Gretsky! It was a big room as you know, but I was still excited.
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By Alex on Jan 12, 2010
I feel a little sad that, like Kerin, I was totally all for the Coyotes moving up here. Sad only because look at how much fun you had! [Most] Americans watching hockey is adorible.
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