Cool it before I give my wife a donut to kick your butt.
October 29th, 2009 | by TJ |Internet, I watch a lot of TV.
I mean, a lot.
I watch all your standard stuff, you know, House and other prime time stuff, but I mostly watch that on the DVR when I get around to it.
Most of my daily, scheduled TV watching time is dedicated to syndicated sitcoms, and I’m not even a little bit kidding.
So last night, I got to thinking about sitcom husbands and fathers, and, since I know them all so well, which ones I would matchmake me with (is that even how you say that?).
Anyway, here is my assessment of various TV dads and their suitability for dating/marriage:
Danny Tanner: Obviously, we can’t talk about sitcom dads without talking about Danny Tanner. He’s raising three girls with his two male friends and he likes to clean stuff, a lot. He can cook, too. So in theory, he wouldn’t make a very bad husband, if you were into things like a clean house and dinner on the table. However, try to have a sexual thought about Danny Tanner.
Go ahead. I’ll wait.
Obviously, any union with Danny Tanner would be one of convenience. Keep him on your list if you think that you might be in the market for a green card, or some sort of wacky “I suddenly need a husband due to some crazy set of impossible circumstances and could also use someone to cook and clean and while my children will initially hate him and rebel, he will eventually bring the entire family together in a heartwarming fashion” situation ever comes up for you.
Uncle Phil: Phillip Banks. Ok, now, you may at first be tempted to choose Phillip Banks as a potential husband. I mean, he’s got a swank house in Bel Air and a butler. A BUTLER. And? He was a lawyer, and then he was a judge. So, powerful, too. However, you need to look a little deeper, and that’s why you have me, Internet. Powerful position like judge? That means he has to go to a lot of functions and things, which will SERIOUSLY cut into your “lay around in pajamas and watch syndicated sitcoms” time. Also? Have we learned nothing from watching Law & Order? Judges are always getting whacked by guys they put in jail. It’s only a matter of time.
Also? Uncle Phil really only shows up when someone needs to be yelled at, or he needs to be humiliated by his children. So he pretty much finds kids to be an embarrassing nuisance. That doesn’t bode well for a healthy family life.
Overall? Not worth it.
Tim Taylor: The Tool Man himself. So you can have a husband who is mildly famous, but not at the same risk of being knocked off as a judge. However, pretty much everything in your house would be broken all of the time. Then again, he did make that sweet washer/dryer set up that was all totally automated AND had twinkly lights, so he’s got that going for him.
On more than one occasion, though, he has unbearably embarrassed every single person he knows. On television. Also? Medical bills. Also? You’d have to deal with the fact that everyone made fun of your husband behind your back.
However, it really was a pretty sweet washing machine.
Dan Connor: Ok, bear with me here. Dan Connor may not be much to look at to some of you. However, he has tools and knows how to use them to actually fix things around the house, which puts him ahead of Tim Taylor. He’s decidedly blue collar, which leaves him much more likely to be happy sacked out on the couch with you than at some kind of black tie event like the Honorable Phillip Banks.
Also? Much like I anticipate for my own future? He barely tolerates his own children, in a loving way, of course.
Additionally? Unlike Danny Tanner, he is not afraid to solve problems with yelling. The one time that Danny Tanner ever yelled was when Stephanie drove Joey’s new car right into the kitchen. And he only BARELY yelled. And? He didn’t even yell AT Stephanie when Uncle Jesse brought her home because she’d been trying to run away to Mexico.
Dan Connor would not be afraid to yell.
Lastly, he is funny, and not in an ABC 1990 TGIF Friday night line up kind of way.
So, I think it is pretty obvious that, should I ever find myself in a situation where I must choose a new husband from an early to mid-90s television show, I would choose Dan Connor.
Don’t think I’ve listed all the possibilities though, Internet. Not only are there plenty more sitcoms, there are even more options outside of the sitcoms. How about MacGyver? What about Benton Frasier? How about Elliot Stabler?
When the day eventually comes that we all have to choose television husbands, Internet, who will you choose?
By Tchann on Oct 29, 2009
Why is that out of all the choices, the one you chose is the one I’ve never heard of? O.o
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TJ Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
WHAT? You’ve never heard of Dan Connor?
Roseanne Connor’s husband?
Father of Becky, Becky II, Darlene, DJ and Jerry Garcia Connor?
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Tchann Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Ohhh, Roseanne. Never watched that. Wasn’t allowed, nor was I interested. =\
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By Swistle on Oct 29, 2009
Oh, well Dan Connor FOR SURE. I DO think he’s much to look at!
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TJ Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
I didn’t want the Internet to think I was weird, but I think he’s pretty foxy myself.
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By Adlib on Oct 29, 2009
Dan Connor is the husband from Roseanne, right? Not a bad choice!
My personal fave is probably Tim Taylor though. On Home Improvement, he seemed to be the most realistic dad with regard to discipline and stuff with the kids. That’s part of the reason we liked it so much. I really need to set my DVR to get that during the overnight hours. :)
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TJ Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge Tim Taylor fan.
I’m just trying to think practically, you know? Which personalities would mesh together best and all.
I really think Dan Connor are a match in terms of solving problems by getting louder and louder until someone gives in.
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By Simetra on Oct 29, 2009
I am going to be mulling this over for days.
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By Deborah Timmers on Oct 29, 2009
Actually my fav TV hubby would have to be Jimmy
from Yes Dear… I think he is awesome
but def 2nd choice would be Dan Conner hes HOTZZZ
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TJ Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Yes! Jimmy was hilarious, I loved him.
And I am encouraged by all the votes in support of Dan Connor’s hotness.
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By Delicia on Oct 29, 2009
Dan Connor absolutely. My husband superficially resembles him, actually. ;)
-Del
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By Lara on Oct 29, 2009
Cliff Huxtable.
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TJ Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
Oh, MAN. I can’t believe I didn’t think of Cliff Huxtable!
Funny, smart, well educated and employed, not above making fun of his own children… damnit!
Well played, Ms. Lara. Well played.
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LV Reply:
October 30th, 2009 at 3:00 am
I gotta agree with this one, and he’s not a big one to yell, either. He’ll just call shenanigans on his kids. Clair was really the one who yelled. But we’re not talking about TV moms, are we?
Yes, Cliff Huxtable gets my vote. Also, it’s not hard to have a sexual thought about him. He and Clair were pretty damn frisky on-screen.
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TJ Reply:
October 30th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Hm, you’re right, that’s a good point. They did act all googly and affectionate for each other a lot, which is pretty rare when you think about it.
Eeeexcellent point.
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By Aboo on Oct 29, 2009
I’m a guy, but I soooo relate to George Lopez. I realize that’s not an “80′s/90′s” sitcom, but he’s funny as hell and he actually SAYS what most of us are thinking, yet solves in a surprisingly realistic manner.
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By Pike on Oct 29, 2009
“Does anyone know what time it is?”
“TOOL TIME”
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By Mj on Oct 29, 2009
Sorry, I think you had it right with the first guy. Danny is cute. He cooks, cleans, and has a good job. And who knows, he may be a firecracker in bed. I mean, he does have 3 kids and all.
And have you ever noticed that he will do crazy stuff if someone talks him into it? Ya, he would so rub my feet, and, well, you know…
Plus, I don’t have to actually have kids to get kids – a definite plus for me.
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By Fyurae on Oct 29, 2009
If I were a sitcom mom I would have either a Jimmy or a Dan. But I would fantasize about Patrick Jane.
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By Shin Ae on Oct 29, 2009
I didn’t really get to watch a lot of TV during that time period, although Lord knows I’ve watched enough Roseanne reruns since then. I don’t think I’d pick Dan though. My picks are from more recent shows that I’m more familiar with. Sitcom: Hmmm, maybe Frasier Crane. That would be hilarious. Older sitcom: That old guy from M*A*S*H (wait, asking real life husband.)Col. Potter. I think that would be fun. Non-sitcom husband: Jon Stewart, no question.
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By Phaedra on Oct 29, 2009
I think I’m maybe going to have to side with you on Dan Connor, though he kinda reminds me of my own dad, so I have to pick someone else to totally avoid the Electra thing.
I’m going to have to go with Giles, from Buffy. He’s not a father, per se, but he is a father figure. He’s smart, dresses nicely, has an accent, has a rebellious side, and can kick undead butt.
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By Phil on Oct 30, 2009
MacGyver would be hilariously strange.
On the plus side, he could do ANYTHING with a paperclip.
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TJ Reply:
October 30th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Did you know his first name was Angus?
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Phil Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 9:35 pm
Think so.
Not as bad as Indie, although Indie might be pretty awesome too.
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By Kelly on Oct 30, 2009
I don’t watch enough TV to know how most guys stack up. Of the shows I DO watch, most guys are totally not husband material. Seriously… who in their right mind would want to be married to a pompous little snit like Lee Adama? I’m going to go with Daniel Jackson. With all the languages he speaks, I think some Gaelic dialect must be in there somewhere, and I’d finally have someone to talk to in Irish. And it doesn’t hurt that he’s easy on the eyes and a little bit of a geek. :)
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TJ Reply:
October 30th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
I do not think I am familiar with eaither of those two, but I shall evaluate them soon for potential future television husband potential.
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Kelly Reply:
October 30th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Battlestar Galactica (the new one) and Stargate SG-1. If you want Lee, he’s all yours.
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By Susie on Oct 30, 2009
Totally agree with the Dan Connor vote, and he just has somethin about him that makes him attractice. I think it’s the sense of humor and the kind eyes :) love that show…
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TJ Reply:
October 30th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Yeah, he does have something going on in the eyes, definitely. Plus, hilarious doesn’t hurt at all.
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By MiddleAged&Crazy on Oct 30, 2009
How come no one has picked the ultimate package when it comes to dads?
Al Bundy?
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Tristan Reply:
November 1st, 2009 at 7:12 pm
4 touchdowns in a single game!
Al Bundy is probably my favourite TV dad. I’m a guy so I don’t have any preferences here tho.
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MiddleAged&Crazy Reply:
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:29 pm
While I also am a guy, I always felt that Married with children, portrayed a realist all though scary portrait to far to many homes these days and yet was funny.
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By Carrie on Oct 31, 2009
It’s a good thing I still have an hour before I have to go anywhere. This is a toughie.
I’m going to have to go with Red Forman. He knew his business, never hesitated to tell his kids exactly what he thought of them, but yet never interfered in what they really wanted to do… and as much as he complained, you could tell he really cared about his wife. My kind of guy.
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By Swistle on Oct 31, 2009
WAIT! I want Ray Romano! DIBS DIBS DIBS.
Doesn’t anyone want Mike Brady?
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By Swistle on Oct 31, 2009
Also, there’s Mr. Keaton (Kirk Cameron’s TV dad) and Mr. Seaver (Michael J. Fox’s TV dad).
And Tony Danza from Who’s the Boss, of course.
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By Erica on Jul 29, 2011
I’m gonna have to go with Mr. Seaver after Swistle’s recco.
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