Cliched embarrassment
August 24th, 2010 | by TJ |Let me explain to you how this happened, okay, before you start passing judgment.
You know how sometimes, when you’re in a store, you suddenly have to go to the bathroom, even if you went before you left the house? That happens to other people, right? Grocery stores and stuff. Your cart is half full, so you can’t just LEAVE it, but you also can’t really HURRY through the rest of your shopping, because even if you do, you just know you’re going to end up in the slow checkout lane, dancing back and forth from foot to foot, and you just have to deal with it.
The issue is compounded by the fact that I refuse to use grocery store bathrooms, even if there is one available to the public, for reasons I can’t tell you.
Ok, I’ll tell you. It’s not like I have any shame left.
One time, in college, I was at the grocery store with a friend of mine, and I hadn’t feel feeling well, if you get my drift, and I suddenly had to use the bathroom, I mean, had to, and I am unapologetically one of those types who does not like to do certain bathroom activities in public bathrooms, and no amount of, “You need to get over it, everybody does it,” from women who are more comfortable with their digestive tract is going to change that.
Except I had to, so I did, and my worst nightmare came true in that someone was waiting outside the door to go in right after I came out, and it wasn’t a bathroom with stalls, but one of those single toilet and sink jobbers all in one room. So I hurried away and my friend was waiting for me at the end of an aisle, still in sight of the bathrooms, and the teenage boy who had followed me in hurried back out right after me and went over to his group of teenage friends and I saw them POINTING at me. And I died from it.
WHY ARE YOU EVEN HANGING OUT IN A GROCERY STORE, TEENAGERS?
Anyway, so I won’t go at the grocery store ever again.
These first 400 words or so have been leading up to telling you that we were at the grocery store last night, and I really had to pee. Dancing around and stuff. When we got home, though, it suddenly wasn’t as bad (I’m telling you, it’s stores that do this to you somehow), so I unloaded the groceries and got my plate of dinner together before I skipped off to the bathroom.
Ok, now here is another phenomenon that I NEED to not just be me. You know how sometimes when you have to go, you’re totally fine, like an adult, holding it together, or closed, as the case may be, and you make it to the bathroom and you’re relieved to have made it and avoided some kind of public incident, but as soon as you can SEE the toilet, it’s all of a sudden so ridiculously urgent that you’re in danger of making a terrible mistake-puddle just inches away from your goal?
So, that happened last night, and I had already been in a hurry because we had gotten these giant pickles from the deli that I was pretty excited about, so the whole operation became sort of a rush job as soon as I set foot into the bathroom.
And you guys, I was so graceful. I was unbuttoning my jeans as I leapt across the bathroom, twirling in mid-air, adding an extra spin for the judges as I shoved my jeans down.
I knew, though, on my final rotation, that I was coming in a bit too fast, and that the landing was going to be tricky. At this point in the story, I am flying bare-assed through the air, in case you didn’t have or were trying not to have an accurate mental picture. You’re welcome.
Upon landing, I threw my hands and leg out to the side to slow down my skid, trying to steer INTO the turn to maintain control. Though not totally ideal, I saw the side of the tub as kind of a refuge, and stretched my hand out toward it to stop myself. However, since all of my concentration and effort was dedicated towards sticking the landing, my wrist and elbow caved in under the sudden force, allowing me to continue flying sideways, almost halfway into the tub.
Unfortunately, military housing construction is obviously a bit shoddy and the toilet seat kind of came along with me. I was all, “WHOA, NELLY!,” and trying to throw some counterweight the other way, back towards the sink, because in these types of game time situations, once contact with the seat has been made, operations commence, if you get my drift.
Form outside the bathroom, where Phil was watching Tosh.0 and eating his dinner, it likely sounded something like this:
*THUD* “Whoooaaa! Oh no! Auuuguuhhh, gross!”
He was not stirred to move and see what had happened.
So I had to finish up and head out there to where he was eating his dinner and tell him, “I broke the toilet.”
Now, this is DOUBLE EMBARRASSING, because at our old place, while much more solidly constructed, of course, the toilet left a little bit to be desired. Which often lead to me text messaging Phil while he was at work to say, “You broke the toilet!” with “broke the toilet” being code for “asked a little bit too much from the toilet” which is polite code for “pooped a lot.”
So he’s eating his dinner and is confronted by the idea that I have overtaxed the toilet, which is bad enough, but I had to correct his initial assumptions by telling him I had broken the seat right off of its stupid, CLEARLY INSUFFICIENT toilet hinge. Like, “I broke the toilet. I don’t mean I broke the toilet. I mean I broke it. Like, apart. BECAUSE I SLIPPED. NOT BECAUSE I’M FAT.”
Anyway, as far as cliched embarrassing things go, breaking a toilet seat is probably way up there. It’s actually so cliched that it’s hard to even really feel embarrassed about it. I mean, it’s been done to death in movies and jokes and stuff, so you’re probably rolling your eyes like, “Oh, chubby girl breaks a toilet, please, quit underestimating my sophisticated sense of toilet humor.”
So, what I want to know is, what kind of ridiculously cliched happenings or embarrassments have occurred in your life, things that were so done to death or stereotypical that it’s really kind of impossible to be truly embarrassed about them?
By Erica on Aug 24, 2010
This made me laugh so hard I actually snorted.
[Reply]
By Erica on Aug 24, 2010
Also, I have never done anything embarrassing.
NEVER, damn it!
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
August 24th, 2010 at 4:57 pm
If you’d never done anything embarrassing, you couldn’t be a blogger. It’s the law.
[Reply]
By Mandapanda78 on Aug 24, 2010
I fell through a manhole cover. Which, I suppose isn’t really all that cliched, but it’s one of those things that doesn’t really happen unless you’re a cartoon character. Kind of like slipping on a banana peel.
[Reply]
Mandapanda78 Reply:
August 24th, 2010 at 12:39 pm
Oh, and the entire incident happened in front of a group of French tourists who had absolutely no reaction and watched with masterful disinterest.
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
August 24th, 2010 at 4:57 pm
Like, all the way in?
[Reply]
MandaPanda Reply:
August 24th, 2010 at 5:00 pm
Right leg all the way in right up to the knee. And then I fell over. And then the lid of the hole came down and pinned me there.
[Reply]
By avasmommy on Aug 24, 2010
I am literally wiping away tears from laughing so hard.
But I’m laughing with you. Not at you. Ok, I’m totally laughing at you.
I don’t know if I can top that.
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
August 24th, 2010 at 4:57 pm
Phil called the maintenance people and they’re coming to fix it tomorrow and they’re going to think it was me who broke it!
[Reply]
By Swistle on Aug 24, 2010
I broke a swing. I was visiting someone else’s house and feeling really super-awk, and I thought swinging on their pretty yard swing would make me seem carefree and socially comfortable, and after a few swings it SNAPPED and I fell to the ground.
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
August 24th, 2010 at 4:46 pm
I am totally having a sympathy cringe for you. Not only is it the whole cliche breaking thing, but then you have to be DOUBLE awkward for breaking someone else’s STUFF. OMG.
[Reply]
By sKRAPS on Aug 24, 2010
Every time I go to the record store to shop for music I have to pee. EVERY TIME!
Good thing for me, we don’t actually have record stores any more. But god I miss thumbing through albums, and even CD’s in the most recent years past.
You know when you could actually discover new music in the used bins, instead of being told what to listen too by the judgmental Internet!
p.s. Check out Bloc Party, been really digging them lately.
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
August 24th, 2010 at 3:49 pm
There’s a used video game store that Phil likes that I DREAD going to because as soon as I step inside? I have to go. IMMEDIATELT>
[Reply]
By cindy w on Aug 24, 2010
I had a whole long comment typed out here and I just deleted it, because you know what? I’m not prepared to share my Shame.
As far as embarrassing stories, though, I fall down a lot. Like, way more than most people. So I have PLENTY of stories about wiping out in public, which are plenty humiliating in & of themselves.
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
August 24th, 2010 at 3:48 pm
Some day, you, too, will run out of blogging material and start dropping your dignity in from of god, the world and the Internet!
[Reply]
By Becky on Aug 24, 2010
Completely cliched: I clogged my in-laws’ toilet, and had to ask my MIL for help because they apparently HIDE the plunger. Why, I would like to know? So that you can embarrass your poor daughter-in-law by making her come out of the bathroom all sheepish-like when you are all sitting at the table playing cards, and she has to ask everyone where the plunger is? That’s just mean.
I suppose I could have tried to get just my husband to come help me find it, but a)he’s a little slow to realize these things so trying to get him to leave the table and come with me to the bathroom would have been more awkward than just asking, and b)he doesn’t think I poop (at least that’s my theory).
Thankfully, my mother-in-law is super-nice and didn’t tease me about it mercilessly.
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
August 24th, 2010 at 3:48 pm
Oh that is SO AWFUL!
Seriously, this comment made me run to check to make sure our plunger is prominently placed. Not that I would EVER shame someone who asked for a plunger, but I wouldn’t want them to have to come ask. AWFUL.
[Reply]
By M.Amanda on Aug 24, 2010
I’ve tripped over non-cracks in the sidewalk and fallen on my butt going down stairs.
[Reply]
Becky Reply:
August 24th, 2010 at 1:08 pm
I fell going down the stairs at my best friend’s house in high school. It broke one of the stairs (the house was old!) and she and her parents STILL give me crap about it every time I see them, 11 years later. Ugh. Falling down the stairs is traumatizing. I hope you have recovered.
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
August 24th, 2010 at 3:45 pm
I hate that kind of thing, where people continually bring up something that embarrasses you every time you see them. That kind of thing isn’t funny to me, you know? I mean, the falling may or may not have been funny, but saying something because you think it’s funny to embarrass someone? Ugh.
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
August 24th, 2010 at 3:47 pm
I’m terrified of falling down stairs. Seriously.
[Reply]
Kirsten Reply:
August 24th, 2010 at 7:50 pm
I fail to understand why the whole rest of the world doesn’t share our fear of falling down stairs. I am also not keen on going up stairs; generally changing the elevation of my walking platform is in no way comfortable for me.
[Reply]
Jessi Reply:
August 25th, 2010 at 6:12 am
I am actually more afraid of going up stairs, mostly because I am more likely to fall up stairs, but I am also afraid of going down. I am pathetic about it, too, and will walk waaay out of my way if I can get to an escalator or elevator to save me from my staircase related trauma (SRT).
[Reply]
By Natalie on Aug 24, 2010
Well, maybe the toilet seat had some sort of inherent flaw that you exposed. Sorry!
I stubbed my toes so many times on Sunday that I was actually considering getting a neurological workup. The last time I fell to my knees and hissed and moaned dramatically, and my husband came to see what the damage was. He asked which one I hit and when I said “the last 3 on my right foot” he was like, “the LAST THREE? What the hell are you doing out here?!”
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
August 24th, 2010 at 3:44 pm
Stubbing my toe is in the TOP THREE of my list of things that I hate.
[Reply]
Julie Reply:
August 24th, 2010 at 5:30 pm
I was playing soccer barefoot with the dog at my parent’s house on their balcony, and I went to kick the ball and completely missed it. I did not however miss the railing post, and shattered my middle toe.
[Reply]
By Aunt Becky on Aug 24, 2010
Okay: I’m calling myself winner here without reading anything. WHY?
I HAD TO CARRY AROUND A BUCKET OF MY OWN POO. I had to burp it. I had to put it in the freezer of my NEW boyfriend. EVENTUALLY I had take it to a lab tech, at, I should say, AGE 23.
Humiliated doesn’t BEGIN to describe it.
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
August 24th, 2010 at 3:44 pm
Anything that involves ANYONE else have knowledge of MY POO is pretty much the end of the world, as far as I’m considered.
[Reply]
By Aunt Becky on Aug 24, 2010
I had to scoop my poo out of a hat and put it in a bucket. That I brought to my boyfriend’s house. My NEW boyfriend. Yeah, a bucket of my feces.
[Reply]
By Ashley on Aug 24, 2010
I laughed SO HARD while reading this! My three-year-old thinks I’ve lost it.
Does a pregnant lady having uncontrollable gas count as a cliche? Because I totally let one rip at the dinner table with my whole family when I was hugely pregnant with my son. My sister nearly fell off her chair laughing, mostly because I was clearly more shocked than anyone at what had just happened. I had no warning! It just came flying out!
[Reply]
By thepsychobabble on Aug 24, 2010
Your story is hilarious. And you told it so well:p
I fell down the basement stairs, and hurt my wrist. I then had to go the ER and tell them I fell down the stairs. A couple months before that, our cat had tangled himself in my legs, and tripped me as I was on the stairs leading to the second story, and I hit my head hard enough to get a mild concussion.
So.
Twice. In a matter of months.
I explained to our small-town ER drs (all two of them) that I had fallen down the stairs.
Yeah, they totally didn’t believe me.
[Reply]
By Julie on Aug 24, 2010
I don’t know if other people get this, but when it’s cold I have to go pee like every 10 minutes. So passing the chillers at the grocery store – gotta pee! Or hurry to where it’s warmer in the store and suddenly not need to any more.
I don’t know if it counts as embarrassing, because after giving birth your level of what’s humiliating changes completely, but the old classic of baby about to puke in the grocery store, and holding out your hands to catch it, and then standing in the middle of the store with a double handful of puke and not knowing wtf to do next… does that count?
Stayed a few days at my MIL’s house recently. I don’t wear anything to bed, but it’s not normally an issue to throw on something if I need to go to the toilet in the middle of the night. Well, one day something I ate apparently disagreed with me, and late at night I got those gut cramps that tell you that you REALLY GOTTA GO – just as soon as the pain eases enough to actually move. Then there’s the horrible slow seconds of realisation that that isn’t going to be fast enough and grabbing whatever is handy to jam in my buttcrack just as the geyser starts to explode. And trying to stealthily hobble through a house buttnaked but for a shitty t-shirt in asscrack to the bathroom to clean up. I hope to God noone saw me. My husband claims to have slept through it.
[Reply]
By Sunetra on Aug 24, 2010
I broke my foot getting out of bed one night. Not a dramatic LEAP out of bed with opera music or anything, just had to pee, got out of bed, and heard *crack*. It didn’t immediately hurt and I was still pretty much asleep, but the next morning my foot was swollen to twice its size (AND HURT!!!!) and I had to explain to my husband what had happened.
He was too busy laughing to ask if I was OK. *glare*
Then again, I was too busy laughing and saying OW to answer him…
[Reply]
By Kathryn on Aug 24, 2010
oh, where to begin …
1. got my period in the middle of a final match of a tennis tournament, on court one, with a good portion of the club watching, wearing tennis WHITES, I was 14 (but we won!)
2. chatted for a good 15 minutes to a man I had a MASSIVE crush on only to discover afterwards that I had, yes, SPINACH IN MY TEETH
3. am humiliated by cliches enough,. no??
and yes, I totally get that “I have to pee because I am in the store” thing
[Reply]
By coranada on Aug 24, 2010
Almost this exact thing happened to me except it was in a friend’s house where I was dog sitting. My brilliant plan was to replace the seat before they got home but of course after a tour of every single store that could possible sell toilet seats in a 3 city radius… no matching seat could be found. So I replaced it and still had to tell them.
[Reply]
By druidchick on Aug 24, 2010
My friend said something extremely dumb as we were crossing a street, so I said, “You’re such an idiot.” However, we got separated by a huge crowd of people who were crossing with us, so she called, “What’d you say?” I turned my head and yelled, “You’re an idiot!” as I walked straight into a metal scaffolding pipe. It was a really LOUD collision, unfortunately, witnessed by everyone. The irony was tragic.
[Reply]
By Ellie on Aug 25, 2010
Not sure if this is cliched, but it sure is irony. I get irked when my family leaves the toilet lid open. I use my makeup at the sink and it’s fallen in before. >..<
[Reply]
By Ellie on Aug 25, 2010
So I brought it up to them and the agreed to shut the lid from then on. Later on, in the middle of the night, I had to pee, bad. I ran to the toilet, sat down, and did my thing. Well, thanks to me, the last person had left the toilet lid shut. I didn’t notice until there was pee everywhere. (eek, the face I used cut off my comment!)
[Reply]
By Jessi on Aug 25, 2010
I ran face first, full speed ahead into a freshly cleaned glass door once. In my defense, this particular door had been propped open every day for about 6 months. And it was very clean.
[Reply]
Natalie Reply:
August 25th, 2010 at 9:44 am
When I was a kid I lived in a neighborhood that wasn’t very original in house design. I had a friend that lived in a house that started out identical to my own, however, they had remodeled it in such a way that it required a structural column/post in the dining room. My own house had no such thing. So, at least once I smacked straight into it.
My point is, there are sometimes perfectly acceptable excuses for running into things.
[Reply]
By Charlotte on Aug 25, 2010
Oh, dear. I have actually, legitimately broken the toilet before. Well, the porcelain developed this huge, global crack and all of the water would escape from it. The plumber had all of these clever jokes about my wide (size six) load and how maybe I should lay off of the bon bons. Yes, it took all of my self control not to sharpen my claws on his smug, pinched, plumber face. Although I did achieve vindication when I learned that it was a porcelain problem and not a fatness of the ass issue.
[Reply]
By Dulcea on Oct 5, 2010
Worst thing I ever did was trip at the end of one of those automated sidewalks at the airport. I had turned to talk to my little brother (he was 11 at the time to my…i dunno, late 20′s?) and didn’t pay any attention to the “ramp ends in 30ft, etc” messages…and landed hard on my game cube carrying case. Thank god it was metal, and didn’t break the console inside, but yeah…mortifying.
[Reply]