[...] “Burn.” [...]

The cashier happened to be someone who I’d known in high school, who’d hated me then and still does, I imagine.

He was doing his best to be generally annoying and before I left, he looked at the way I was dressed, which was rather nicely, and asked, “Where are YOU going?”

I answered him with, “College.”

It may have been a little harsh, but since I’ve met him the man has been horrible, and I couldn’t help myself.

My wife and I tease each other relentlessly, to the point where other people think we may not like one another.

When I get her a gift I totally nail it every time. I have been very lucky.

Our 15th Anniversary was coming up and my wife and I were at a Bar-B-Q with friends. My wife was bragging about how I always get her the perfect gift. It’s always something she can use, even if she hasn’t dropped any hints.

One of her girl friends, knowing our Anniversary was fast approaching, asked me what I have got my wife for this special occasion. “What custom-picked thing did you get her? What are you going to give her that she can use this year?”

I sipped my beer and responded, “A coffin.”

Everyone except my wife laughed. She slugged me in the arm.

Later that evening I heard her on the phone with her mother. They both laughed to the point of tears.

We divorced. Not over the obese thing. Needless to say, when I started looking again, I went for much slimmer.

Years later, I open a Myspace account and several old girlfriends found me and asked for a friend request which I thought no big deal.

Enter the current wife, WTF are these people you have slept with on your myspace?!

I see everyone but your Ex on there? What!? She too big to fit on your friends list?

I still wince when telling that one.

Me: You look terrible.
Co-worker: I feel terrible.
Me: No, not because you’re sick. You look terrible.

Though silent, this is the best burn I have ever received, and was absolutely hilarious.

Husband: “Honey honey I have the funniest joke!! Omg your going to laugh so hard.”

Me: “I’ve already seen you naked. It was not funny then, it wont be funny now. Get the hell out.”

I have no memory of this conversation. Just told to me by a very sad looking husband next to a pile of crumpled tissues.

Later that day he bought me mountain dew and a box of chocolates, Im the luckiest girl in the world. <3