Three sentences too far. Wait, no – four. Four.

I was at the mall today because I go to a Benefit Brow Bar every three weeks to get my eyebrows done. I’m not going to talk about that today because it was pointed out to me that maybe I should PACE MYSELF and I don’t actually know how to do that, so what I guess I’ll do is mention a bunch of things, not actually talk about them, and then maybe get around to talking about them on another day in November when I feel like I don’t have anything else to talk about. So, future me – not too far future me, but still in November 2013 me, so maybe next week me, or week after next me – you can talk about eyebrows, if you want to, if you’re in the mood for that. You probably won’t be. I don’t know. I don’t know you. We haven’t met yet. Hope you’re doing well.

After my MYSTERY EYEBROW APPOINTMENT that MAYBE you’ll hear about or MAYBE YOU WON’T, I was wandering around the mall on a mission for some full coverage foundation, because my eyebrow girl, who is fantastic, said “You look… tired.” Which I know is generally seen as an insulting thing to say. So maybe you’re feeling a little het up on my behalf right now. Which is really kind of you. But I did look kind of tired, or kind of something, at least, because I’m taking this medication – hey, there’s some more stuff for another day – and anyway, it’s been doing some things, and apparently, some of the things that it’s been doing have been being… been bong… been banged onto my face. I hope I’m not saying it in a vain way – well, I know I’m not saying it in a vain way, but I hope you understand it’s not meant to come across in a vain way – when I say that I’ve had relatively decent skin in my adult years (this has certainly not been the lifelong case at ALL). A blemish or two at certain times, but nothing else. Generally even skin tone, not dry, not oily.

Well, I’ve described all of this to you just so I could tell you NOT ANYMORE. It is all weird colored and shrunken and unappealing to me. All my of light, sheer coverage solutions do nothing. I even mixed together two of my favorite BB creams so that they could, in concert, do nothing. Now, note that I said it’s become unappealing to me. Meaning that I needed to fix it to make it more appealing to me. Just like I don’t walk out of my house and eye up the faces of other people, deciding that they need to do to make their faces more appealing to my tastes, neither do I do up my own face with the intent and purpose of making it more appealing to others. I operate at my best, and most confident, and most comfortable in general when my outward appearance is something that I am personally comfortable with. It has nothing to do with your appearance, and may actually even have little to do with my own appearance. I can wake up looking exactly the same two days in a row and one day be fine with it and one day prefer wearing some makeup.

I’m just saying, right now – me expressing dissatisfaction with my uneven skin tone says NOTHING AT ALL about how I feel about your skin tone. I do not think about your skin tone. I don’t eye up the quality of your skin. I don’t think about your skin when I talk to you. When you sit next to me, I will tell you if you have lipstick on your teeth, or I will tell you if I like your eye makeup, but I legitimately give no bother beyond that. None. I talk a lot about my hunt for the perfect eyebrow product on Twitter (IT’S GIMME BROW), but I’m not considering your eyebrows unless you ask me to specifically consider your eyebrows. Honestly and truly. I don’t.


Hint: It’s none.

And this is where I would assure you that actually, everyone is like this. Everyone is like me, and totally self-centered and self-absorbed, and really only cares about her own eyebrows and own skin tone and own makeup and dwells upon the face situations of others only when asked. Like how when fat people (I did use the word fat) want to go to the gym, but bring up the fact that they feel self-conscious – that they feel like they need to get in shape first, in order to feel less conspicuous or silly or noticed or silently mocked or otherwise OUT THERE at the gym. And someone jumps in to say that that’s ridiculous, everyone at the gym is there to work out, no one is looking at anyone else, everyone is there for the same reason and it’s serious business.

EXCEPT NO. That is a big lie. That is a huge lie. Probably most of you reading are like me, or want to tell yourself you’re like me, so you’re thinking, “No! No! Not a lie! A true! Opposite of a lie! A not lie!” But it only takes one person to ruin that, and that one person is Twitter. Twitter, telling you what they saw someone wearing at the gym. Or how long they had to wait for someone going HOW slow on the treadmill? Or? OR? In one notable case that still frustrates me to no end, because I did not unfollow the second it happened, and I SHOULD HAVE, and now I don’t remember who it was and search is failing me, someone posted an ACTUAL PHOTO of the person on the next treadmill, along with a comment on the person’s body.


So no. No, I can’t assure you that what I say about me carries over to other people. Because other people have clearly demonstrated that to be a huge lie, in some of the worst ways. I can tell you that how I feel about the way my skin looks and how it makes me feel on a given day has nothing to do with how I feel about your skin, and how your skin should make you feel. I can also say I think I should be allowed to feel ways about my skin without feeling at the same time that it transfers to how I feel about your skin automatically. I have to wear my body, and I don’t have to wear yours. Your body has no power to make me unhappy or uncomfortable, unless you press it all up on me without my express personal permission and let’s all just assume you don’t have that.

LISTEN. Here’s the thing. I just know I talk a lot about makeup. I know I talk about how I’d like my eyebrows to look better. Or today, how my skin has taken a turn I don’t like, and how I’d like to change that to make it more pleasant to me. And I want you to know that I don’t ever think about you that way. I don’t think about the makeup anyone does or doesn’t wear unless it’s brought up to me by that person. And I guess it would be nice if everyone was like that, but we know that’s not true, because people are taking pictures of other people at the gym. It’s messed up, and we can wish it wasn’t true, but it is. Just don’t care what those people think, right? Ha.

What’s hilarious is the fact that I went to Sephora and bought some full coverage foundation actually has NOTHING to do with this post.

WHILE I WAS WALKING TO SEPHORA TO BUY SOME FULL COVERAGE FOUNDATION FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE – which I’ll tell you about another time, because at 1300 words in, I’m totally learning how to pace myself – I saw that Bath and Body Works was having a SALE! On SOAP! Hand soap! SHIT YES!

So after I bought the foundation I can’t tell you about because I’m clearly in danger of running out of words at some point soon, I went in to Bath and Body Works, and they had SO MANY SOAPS. All the new Christmas smells! Soaps littered all over the store! No sense of order! No organization! Soaps here! Soaps there! Soap! Soap!

Soap 5 for $15, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I started grabbing soap with no plan. I’m stacked boob to chin with soap. But then I started thinking. Phil bought me a bunch of soap for Mother’s Day, and we had just run out. Well, not actually run out. The problem is, we have just one left, and it’s a scent I really like, but I cannot ABIDE by it in the kitchen. I can’t have strong, floral-smelling hands when I’m trying to eat or cook. Just can’t deal with it. I needed a STRATEGY. Half florals, half kitchen appropriate smells, then, right? But if I do THAT, then I’m basically making myself STEWARD OF THE SOAP. And except for all of the things I hate more, there’s nothing I hate more than being the one solely in charge of any specific chore.

Start over. I put all my soaps back. KITCHEN ONLY SMELLS. BRILLIANT. All the smells will have to be tested for kitcheniness and then ANYONE can replace ANY soap without my intervention needed, which is great, considering my husband is totally smeaf.

Now I’m EXTRA happy, sniffing away, grabbing soaps and grabbing soaps and pinballing from display to display, but then I realized, I had SIX. And also that the space between my boobs and my chin was positively soap-jammed. So I went to get a bag, and an employee watched me try to wrestle a bag free, get half a bag free, attempt to dump my treasures into the bag, and then helpfully asked, “Do you need a bag?” I DO! I DO NEED A BAG! ALL THIS SOAP!

And I was off again! Sniffing up one wall and down the other. Did you know they have these metal decorative things that your soap bottles can SIT IN? Like a shirt. For your soap. Anyway, I got all the Christmas time smells, then I got all the fresh smells, you know, like “Air” and “Tree Fart” and “Nature Yawned” and I was over five, but it was fine, because also? SEVEN FOR $20. BIG SOAP DAY.

GUESS what other section they have? KITCHEN SOAP. Oh hell yes. Got a bunch of those, too. And by this time, I’d forgotten my bag, so I had a Macy’s bag*, and a Sephora bag, and a Bath and Body Works in store shopping bag packed with soap, and then I was once again boobs to well-groomed brows with soap. So much soap, you guys.

I got in line to pay, because I was out of arms, and because I had sniffed every single sniffable thing, examined every single foaming hand soap in the store – every single one – and I had not only picked out any that were kitchen suitable, but also duplicates of my favorites that I worried might be limited edition. While I was waiting in line, an employee asked if I’d be paying with a card, and said that she could take me over at a small side counter. I followed her over and dumped out all my soaps. They took up the whole counter. I tried to count them, but she kept grabbing them, so I said that I thought they were in multiples of the sale, anyway. She said it didn’t matter, because after seven, they were all $2 and some change, anyway.


Her: It’s awesome that you’re getting so much shopping done so early!


Her: …


Her: …


Her: …


Her: …


Her: Receipt with you or in the bag?


Then I immediately called Phil. DUDE I BOUGHT SO MUCH SOAP!

Phil is participating in the Extra Life Marathon for Children’s Miracle Network, specifically playing for Phoenix Children’s Hospital, RIGHT NOW! Here’s a link to his page, but unfortunately, the Extra Life servers suffered a DDoS attack today, which is just mindblowing and sad, so you can’t actually get there as of right now. Regardless, thank you to EVERYONE who has supported Phil via donation, words of encouragement, or sharing his page via Facebook or Twitter and also to everyone who has been supporting our family during our I hate the word journey journey with Phoenix Children’s and Penelope’s health over the last two years. We’ll continue to support CMN and Phoenix Children’s via this fundraiser in the future, so please let us know if you’d like to get involved next year!

* I’d LOVE to let you know what happened to Penelope’s pajamas, but I’ve got to pace myself. 2200 words a day. Max.

26 thoughts on “Three sentences too far. Wait, no – four. Four.

  1. Erica

    Bath and Body Works sales are a serious issue for me. This is true: my 2012 new year’s resolution was to go an entire year without buying more hand soap. Almost two years later I still have not bought more hand soap. We have not run out of hand soap. I MISS BUYING HAND SOAP.

    TJ Reply:

    You wanna come over and wash your hands?

    TJ Reply:


    Erica Reply:

    Uuuuuuuuugh I haven’t even HEARD of that one. There would be so many new things to smell. I can almost feel the stack of bottles in my arms THIS IS WHY I HAD TO QUIT.

    Erica Reply:

    (Rocks back and forth)

  2. Lara

    Tree Fart. Hahahaaa.

    Sometimes when I read your posts think “Man. I would SO love to hang out with her and just CHAT for hours, it would be so fun.” SIGH. And then I remember! Hey That is a thing I do! I get to do that! Yay.

    I’m sorry about your medication side effects. That sucks Tree Farts.

    TJ Reply:

    We should shop for soap in February.

    Hahaha just kidding we should just sit on couches.

  3. Susie

    OMG the Pooh gif!! Ahhh! I was all, this post probably can’t get any better than a perfectly wielded Pooh gif, but then: SOAP. Girl, you are speaking my language today. Also I have just learned that I’ve appropriated my child’s Pooh obsession, apparently. Gonna have to sit and think about that. Think, think, think.

    TJ Reply:

    I’m glad you didn’t come in here with some science knowledge about how actually, the foaming action doesn’t really anti-BACTEAR (that’s the verb) anything, and I would have had to be like, listen, you’re a toxicologist, not a bacteria… rodeo… ologiologist. I’ll call you when I EAT SOME.

    Besides, it’s just for smelling, REALLY.

    Seriously, though. If I ever eat some. You’re on speed dial.

    Not really. Poison control, then you.

    Probably just poison control.

    Probably won’t eat any.

    Susie Reply:

    Good thing I’m not on speed dial, because I’m not really a person who answers the phone.

  4. Charleen

    I kind of want to get my eyebrows done. Partly because mine seem kind of bushy to me, but also just because I feel like, at 30, it’s something I should be familiar with, even if I don’t choose to do it regularly. But I’m so nervous that they’re going to be too thin and then I’ll feel like a freak. (And, to take a page from your book, MY feeling like too-thin eyebrows would be freaky ON ME in no way reflects how thin eyebrows look on anyone else…)

    So, basically I’m a big fat chicken and wondering if you had any tips for chickeny newbies like myself. (Even though this post wasn’t about eyebrows as much as it was about soap.)

    TJ Reply:

    This is when a place like the Benefit Brow Bar is really great, because they’re all trained in the Benefit style of “brow mapping,” and they don’t just wax all willy nilly into whatever shape for no reason. Definitely check the Benefit Cosmetics website to see if there’s one in your area, and make an appointment with them. It’s the best way to go, and you can tell them what you’re looking for – to keep the fullness, just to neaten it up, maybe define a shape, but DEFINITELY not skinny. And they won’t do what you don’t like! And they can also show you how to fill in or define any areas that might need it, too. They’re super great, seriously. I would not pay $20 + tip otherwise, when any nail salon will do it for $8. So worth it!

  5. Nikki7434

    Omigosh! I am the same way about soap smells! The kitchen soap has to be citrusy or else! And… I have an entire tote just to contain my spare Bath & Body Works soaps and wall plug refills… I may have a problem, but they’re on sale 7 for $20?! I gotta go to the mall! ^_^

    TJ Reply:

    There was a dish soap we had when I was pregnant that was immediately banished under the sink for smelling “not properly soapy” and it never came back out. I could not STAND it. And ever since then, if my hands are going to be anywhere near my face, they need to smell FOODISH. Not like flowers or OLD SPONGE.

    Nikki7434 Reply:

    I hate old sponge! It’s the worst!

  6. Robyn

    Treet Fart. NATURE YAWNED. HaaaaaaahaaaaAHAAAAA.

    TJ Reply:

    I don’t know what they’re eating, but it smells lovely.

  7. Swistle

    You know how sometimes I list my favorite parts? SITE OVERLOADED PLZ TRY AGAIN LATER

    TJ Reply:

    It’s okay, sometimes I try to guess when I’m writing it if you might have a favorite part and what it might be, so I already picked for you.

  8. April

    This was hilarious and I wish so much that you followed me on twitter so I could tell you that in person, stupid privacy settings.

    And I notice everything about everyone, but it’s more in a non-judgmental huh sort of way. Except at Disney, because dude, I saw a Pantera tramp stamp.

  9. KeraLinnea

    I love Bath and Body Works SO MUCH, but after an …indiscretion involving one of their buy two get two free sales where in I bought something like 67,000 products, Husband has banned me from shopping there like, EVER, not that we will ever run out of their products anyway.

    I have to hunt down a Benefits Brow Bar. I like the salon I go to fine, but it seems like I get a slightly different shape every time, and I swear, my brows are not the same–one brow always seems to be slightly thicker, more arched, just different from the other one, and it makes me crazy. Someone will be looking at me while I’m talking, and I’ll have a sudden urge to shriek “Stop staring at my eyebrows!! I know they’re all wrong!!”

    I don’t. (Or rather, I haven’t.)


  10. Nicole B.

    It’s probably a REALLY good thing I don’t have a Bath & Body Works here, ESPECIALLY at Christmas. I still have six tubes of Body Cream in different scents from the last time I was in the vicinity of one. But if you ever happen to see that the White Tea & Ginger one is back (it was discontinued), I’d love a heads up. Maybe I can order it online. Maybe I can order it ALL online. Uh-oh. This could be trouble.

    Also, sorry about your medication, pal. That sucks a big one and I hope they’re able to get it under control soon.

  11. Elise Seaton

    My nose is itching just thinking about sniffing that many scents in such a short amount of time. I’m glad your soap buying joy was not diminished by itchy nose.

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