Crap I am Sick of Hearing Celebrities Say
May 6th, 2009 | by TJ |As I mentioned, Phil got me a ton of magazine subscriptions. Like anyone who reads 672 magazines a week, I have come to notice a bit of repetitiveness in celebrity stories and interviews. Here is my list of stuff I am sick to death of hearing celebrities say.
“I was such a nerd in high school.”
One, no, you probably weren’t. You just don’t understand being a “nerd” in the high school sense as related to the fact that now, people fall ass over tea kettle to kiss your damn feet. Basically, what you are saying when you utter this ridiculously trite phrase is that you were not AS popular in high school as you are now. Which makes sense. Were you a millionaire in high school? I don’t think so. And also, just quit it with the whole damn nerd line because you say it like we’re supposed to be surprised that a “nerd” made something of him or herself. Um, we’re not. But frankly, we are a bit surprised that you seem to be able to manage to walk and speak at the same time, dumbass.
“My spirituality is very important to me/I’m all about a mind-body-soul balance/Yoga helps me feel really centered.”
Do you even understand the words that are coming out of your mouth? Not only does a large portion of the American public seem to believe that celebrities exist on some kind of higher spiritual plane, but half of those celebrities actually seem to buy into their OWN hype. Newsflash: They still fart in their sleep.
“Oh, I have such terrible eating habits! I love chicken wings and pork rinds and eat them all the time.”
No, you don’t. I know you’d like to give the appearance that you’re not a high maintenance, constant exerciser counting every calorie, and that you’re somehow just FOOD MAGICAL, but guess what? The human body just doesn’t work that way. Period. I BET IF YOU WERE TRULY A NERD IN HIGH SCHOOL, YOU’D HAVE KNOWN THAT!
“I don’t have many female friends. I’ve always been just one of the guys.”
Yeah, you’re most likely a bitch with no friends except a bunch of men who want to sleep with you. Get over yourself. No woman truly likes other women as a whole. We’re terrible people. We all prefer to hang out with men. They’re simple and easy. But everyone woman knows the bitch flag when she sees it, and celebrities seem to love to wave it. ZERO female friends and no desire to find any? Bitch with an attention-whore complex. Only men fall for that “I’m just one of the guys!” shit. Women see right through you.
“I never played with barbies as a kid. I was more into He-Man and dirt!”
See above. You’re not the unique flower you so wish you were. But it’s nice to know that you were so special from such a young age. What bravery you displayed at 4 years old, playing with a Tonka truck instead of a Skipper doll. Why, you probably single handedly started the preschool gender revolution. VIVE LA UNISEX DIAPERS.
“I’m not into the whole Hollywood scene/hate having reporters following me/just want to live my life.”
Jack in the Box down the street is hiring.
“Oh, I never read my own press.”
Liar.
Hm, this got a bit more vitriolic than originally intended. But seriously! Come up with some new lines if you’re going to be in a different magazine every month.
How about refreshing honestly for a change?
“Yeah, I’m pretty good looking, so that’s opened a lot of doors for me. Sucks, though, because I’ve got to be extremely careful about what I eat and exercise a shit ton every single day, especially as I get past 30, because that’s how the human body actually works. It’s a grind, but I get paid a ton of money and everyone wants to be my friend. Not a bad life, overall.”
By Awlbiste on May 6, 2009
“Jack in the Box down the street is hiring.”
Ahaha. Full win right there.
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By Santyn on May 6, 2009
So very very true. That is why I follow absolutely no hollywood news. I can’t even tell you the name of actors in the movies I watch.
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By Lance on May 6, 2009
Nice. Did they really open a Jack in the Box down the street from your house. Oh I am totally typing this at work.
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By KT on May 6, 2009
Hehehehe … I agree with every one of these. Especially the nerd one. The real nerds at my school were the ones who played Dungeons and Dragons and DRESSED as their characters at school on a normal day. I guarantee none of those celebrities did anything close to that. They are confusing “average person” with “nerd.”
Also the one about women friends. I find that women who say that are generally attention whores who treat other women as nothing more than competition for male attention. I used to think I got along better with men, but when I sat down and took an assessment, I had just as many great female friends as male, and though I form fewer female friendships, they tend to be longer lasting.
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By TJ on May 6, 2009
@KT: I will not deny that I get along better with males in a very general sense, simply because they’re easier to get along with, for both women and men. Just a fact. However, completely avoiding female friendships as a whole is not something what I would consider a “normal” woman does. Female to female friendships require more maintenance and effort, but are of course extremely worth it.
It is just getting trite beyond belief for perfectly coiffed, sexy, overwhelmingly FEMALE celebrities to make such a point about the fact that they’re such “guys’ girls.” Obviously, these statements are designed to appeal to their male audience.
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By Pablo on May 6, 2009
@Lance – she’s in Phoenix, so there is very likely a Jack-in-the-Box just down the street.
@TJ, very well said. I really don’t understand the ‘guys girl’ comment either. It doesn’t particularly sell well to either gender, in my opinion. As you pointed out, women will typically see through it and paint her as a bitch. Guys, on the other hand, frankly don’t care. Unless what she’s really trying to say is that she was such a whore in high school that she dated the football team.
I’m pretty sure that “I was such a geek/nerd in school” really means that they used to wear glasses and/or braces.
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By Sass on May 6, 2009
screw celebrities!
Also, thanks for the zenni optical “hey you can order your glasses online for way cheaper” post. I just paid 20 bucks for a pair of cute glasses that I would have paid 300 for at my normal place.
<3!
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By Asara on May 6, 2009
The “I eat whatever the hell I want” ones get me the most. Because they’ll say that in one magazine, and the next one breaks down the details of their macrobiotic organic Atkins grapefruit diet that they follow religiously because “it makes them feel just so great” for you. They have their assistants take a couple of licks of an ice cream cone before they leave a restaurant, and they walk around carrying it like it shows they’re still “real”. Whatever. Everyone knows celebrities live on treadmills with IV’s of Starbucks and pureed bean sprouts anyway.
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By TJ on May 6, 2009
@Asara: Exactly! It doesn’t bother me that they’re ON diets. Good for them! It kills me that they refuse to admit that it takes work to look that good. Period. It just does. Once you cross 35… HELL, cross TWENTY-five… you don’t get to just eat what you want without paying for it. And if you’re not gaining weight from what you eat, you’re at least not maintaining that “tone” by sitting on your ass.
There’s nothing wrong with admitting you bust your ass to look good! It’s part of your JOB to look that good.
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By merckx on May 6, 2009
Holy sh!t, that was amazing.
“I don’t have many female friends. I’ve always been just one of the guys.”
To this day when a girl says this I burst out laughing and walk away. You know for a fact she is nothing but trouble.
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By dez on May 6, 2009
Actually, some of these are probably honest, they just seem far-fetched from your perspective.
In my high school, there was such a thing as “drama nerd”, which knew all the songs from “A Chorus Line” by heart, and behaved extremely gay all the time, whether they actually were or not, male or female. Some of these people might have gone on to become famous.
And I know some people (very few, but they do exist) who seem to be able to eat whatever they want, as much as they want, and never gain a pound. Of course, the rest of us hate those people and want to see they die. It does not surprise me that some famous skinny people are like that, though.
The rest of it is right on target. But what is annoying about these statements is that they represent a serious degree of self-interest. Keep in mind that, the reason these people ARE movie stars is because of their massive egotism and need for attention – beyond what most of us would tolerate from people we actually know. I’m convinced that the reason most Hollywood marriages fail is that you can’t expect 2 egos of such magnitude to occupy the same bed for very long before one pushes the other onto the floor.
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By Euripedes on May 7, 2009
I only pay attention to when celebrities do awesome things.
Like when Keifer Sutherland headbutted that other dude.
That was awesome.
Celebrities need to do more stuff like indoor go-kart races.
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By KeptWench on May 7, 2009
*amused as hell* Rock on, TJ! :)
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By Agree with Dez on May 7, 2009
Yea, I also disagree with the food comment.
I have a very good friend who eats crap food ALL the time. Just terrible food, it makes me cringe thinking about it … he also hasn’t exercised since high school (by exercise I mean go to the gym or go for a run; he’ll go play golf every once in a while).
Of course, he hasn’t put on a single pound and is still skinny as a rail. Some people were just blessed with an incredibly high metabolism.
I was not. Oh well.
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By Morgan on May 7, 2009
Well, as much as you (and other people) claim to dislike their comments, you still bought and read the magazines, didn’t you? Ok, so maybe YOU personally didn’t buy these, but you still read them right?
Yea, celebrities are fake. But didn’t you know that going into this? It’s like expecting a pro-sports coach to come out and say, “You know, we’re really not worried about playing the Lions, we’re looking forward to it. They suck and we have no chance of losing to them.” People in the public eye CAN’T be that honest.
First of all the public backlash would be insane, and perhaps most importantly … do you really think those magazines would appeal to more people and sell more if the celebs were saying things like “Yes, I eat nothing but bean sprouts and spend 50% of my time at the gym”? I don’t.
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By TJ on May 7, 2009
@Agree with Dez: Yeah, some people have fast metabolisms. But by eating junk and doing nothing in the way of exercise, is he in “celebrity” shape? Skinny as a rail, maybe, but that’s not the same thing.
My sister eats junk and stays a size 4 with no problems. She also has no muscle tone. My brother eats exclusively carbs, it seems, and is 6’1″, 142 lbs. Certainly neither are in movie star shape.
However, that is not the point. The point is, it seems that EVERY celebrity says this at some point or another. While celebrities may not be a representative sample of the population, it is certainly unlikely that they are ALL blessed with speed metabolism and perfect muscle tone through zero effort.
The point of this post wasn’t that you or I can come up with a random example of the average person who these statements apply to. The point was that this trite crap appears in magazine articles constantly.
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By TJ on May 7, 2009
@Morgan: I do read magazines and I will continue to. Suggesting that I don’t is hardly a solution to anything, especially as I haven’t posed a “problem” that I need solved.
It is eyerollingly lame when in interview after interview, celebrities repeat these same pat lines. And none of these have anything to do with not being able to be that honest.
And seriously? For women’s magazines? You’re mistaken if you think honesty about diets would not go over well. Do you think that the average woman reading and interview with an attractive female celebrity reads “I eat nothing but crap all day and I hate to exercise” and feels good about it? A more realistic line like “I love Taco Bell but I can only really have it once a month or so, and I work out 2 to 3 hours a day” would go over MUCH better at times.
Also, again, missing the point. I, and apparently several other commenters, am just sick of the same false crap being repeated over and over. If honesty is the issue, be dishonest about something else for a while. And me saying I’m “sick of it” is not me railing against the entertainment industry and celebrity magazines. It annoys me. It’s a blog. I mentioned something that annoyed me. It’s not a criminal case.
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By Aboo on May 7, 2009
@TJ – ““I love Taco Bell but I can only really have it once a month or so, and I work out 2 to 3 hours a day” would go over MUCH better at times.”"
They can’t allow this to happen though TJ. If the entire world woke up and realized that there IS NO MAGIC PILL to make you lose weight and have Abs like David Hasselhoff, do you realize how much money they would lose? Those magazines make their living selling advertising to diet pills and work-out machines.
The celebs are in on the joke. Their movies/tv shows make money the same way.
Celeb’s serve a purpose. They uphold the standard of “the dream”. We all need “the dream”. I will always dream marrying J-Lo, even though I love my wife more than life itself!
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By Brian on May 7, 2009
I’d allow myself a certain degree of legitimacy in saying, “I qas a nerd in high school.”
Especially since my idea of fun was reading books, playing video games, setting up LAN parties in my friend’s cavernous basement, and cracked LOTR/Star Trek / Star Wars jokes while we listened to European metal and watched horror movies.
Nowadays, I’ve added reading comics, writing fiction, and a D&D group to that.
If there’s any actor who could say “I was a nerd in high school” and get away with it, it’s Vin Diesel. He’s actually got the cred to back it up.
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By Riverter on May 11, 2009
110% right on, I couldn’t agree with you more.
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By agree with dez on May 11, 2009
Really? Cause I’m pretty sure the few times I’ve read those magazines about how celebrities maintain their bodies, they DO talk about all the work they put in. In fact, a lot of the magazines that I read even go so far as to show you some of the exercises they do so that you, the reader, may also do them.
Maybe I just read different magazines than you.
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By Morgan on May 11, 2009
Of course it’s not a criminal offense. But if you know reading something is going to annoy you, I just wonder why you continue to read it.
And perhaps you missed my point: people in the public eye are never going to be honest. When I listen to a coach of a 13-0 team talk about how the game against an 0-13 team is going to be a hard-fought battle, you know they’re lying. And what’s more, you know ahead of time that that’s exactly what they’re going to say. Do I wish they’d come right out and say, “Hey you know what? They suck, this is going to be an easy game.”? Yes. I think it’d be funny. But that’s not what they do.
And although my knowledge of female magazines is pretty limited, it seems to me it depends on the type of magazine you’re reading. There are A LOT of magazines that not only talk about what celebrities do to stay in shape, but also have exact exercises described in detail in the magazine so the reader can also do them (Shape, etc).
But if you’re reading gossip magazines that have a whole section about how celebs are just like us (“They chug their sodas before having to throw it away at an airport!”), then yes, the celebs are probably going to be giving ridiculous interviews. Big surprise there.
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