Archive for the ‘TJ + Phil’ Category
Wednesday, May 18th, 2011
About 15 weeks ago, we were informed that Garlic Bread was a huge troublemaker, launching a vicious attack on my life, and that I would need to take to my bed to allow the little baked good from hell the best chance of getting big enough to wreak her havoc on the entire world, not just me.
8 weeks ago, Garlic Bread was all,
“I’m a fetus, and I’m inconveniently upside down!”
7 weeks ago, Garlic Bread was all,
“Stop kicking yourself! Stop kicking yourself! Haha, I’m kidding! It’s me, Garlic Bread! I’m kicking you! And I’m not stopping! Ever!”
And then three weeks ago, I was having some gel put into my business with the intent of making the next 2 days of my life a living hell that has all blurred together in a haze of pain, tears, dignity stripping, drugs, chemicals, incisions, bruises and general unhappiness.
And today, Penny’s all,
I’m Penny
It’s my due date
I’m going to wriggle out of these “newborn” size clothes like it’s my due date
And once I’ve freed myself from my pants, I’m going to wriggle some more until I have plumber crack and then I’m going to poop right out of this diaper and I’m not going to give you any indication that I’ve done so until I’ve had a good long while to roll around in it leaving you to discover I have pooped all over the outside of my diaper and up into my shirt after I’ve had a chance to really smear it around in an artful fashion
Like it’s my due date
Even though Penny has been here for almost 3 weeks now ( here as in, out of the Hut – she’s only been home for a bit over a week), and even though I went through all that labor, and even though I felt her get pulled out and then appear over the drape, I still cannot connect Garlic Bread to Penny in my mind. Logically I know that the demon seed that was in there is the same baby that is right here, but it’s not really sinking in at all.
In fact, even looking back at pictures of myself pregnant is surreal. No, actually, more like unreal. I know I was pregnant, I know all of the bed rest and the worry and the appointments and the HUGENING happened, but I feel so far removed from it that it really doesn’t seem like it did. I don’t feel like I was ever pregnant (aside from the burning “healing” pain that shoots through my incision on the regular) and even after all the delivery drama, I feel like Penny kind of just appeared.
I wonder if I have some kind of weird mental block against the whole pregnancy. I can acknowledge that it all happened, but I feel so completely separate from it that I might as well be looking at pictures of someone else, or reading the pregnancy accounts of someone else. While a baby that randomly appeared from nowhere sits next to me.
ANYWAY. Sleep deprivation, AM I RIGHT? AWKWARD LAUGHTER.
Here’s a joke that Phil made today!
“Penny’s stump finally fell off. Can you… look at it? There’s something weird.”
“Ok… well, it looks all right to me. It will probably look more like a normal belly button with time.”
“Yeah, but… sometimes it looks like there’s something in it. Like… ooze.”
“Well, maybe there’s a secret.“
That’s right, Internet. You CAN believe your eyes. It was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles joke. One that referenced the LIVE ACTION MOVIE.
And that’s why he gets to wear the team jersey.
Until I am enough weeks old enough to tell you how embarrassing and UNFUNNY you two are, you will have to interpret my disdainful expressions.
PS – You’re not funny.
No, but seriously. It’s Penny’s due date today, and in any normal pregnancy, especially first time pregnancy, I’d likely still be pregnant right now, and that just BLOWS MY MIND, because it’s almost like I can barely recognize the idea that I was ever pregnant at ALL. I mean, you know how she was trying to kill me, what with the high blood pressure and all? Like, 150-ish/90-something? At last check, my blood pressure was 117/70. I have completely looped away from death. Honestly, except for the fact that when the elastic on my pajama pants is a little too snug, my deflated bouncy castle-esque belly actually forms itself into a POINT, it’s like the whole thing never happened at all.
Oh, and also the baby. The baby is also evidence that it all happened.
Posted in Bed Rest, Penny, TJ + Phil, Unidentified Fetal O | 27 Comments »
Wednesday, May 4th, 2011
“Whoops, pump fart.”
“Yep.”
“Listen, do you hear that?”
“Yep.”
“It sounds like a tuba. It’s a booba!”
“…”
“Aaaahahahaha booba!”
“…”
“BOOBA! Get it? Like tuba? Except it’s my boob? So it’s a booba?”
“I get it.”
“COME ON. You need to laugh at that, because it hurts too much for me to laugh right now.”
“Ha ha.”
“BOOBA!”
“…”
*****
“Look at how cute Sheldon’s being, laying on his back. It’s like he’s trying to remind us, ‘I’m your baby! I’M THE BABY! ME!’”
“He’s a weird dog.”
“Yeah, but he’s so cute.”
“Well, he’s taking a step down in cuteness. Penny will be the cutest non-adult in this house.”
“It’s okay. You can say it. She’s the cutest in the whole house. Go ahead.”
“Well… you’re a very close second.”
“You’d think my booba skills would have put me over the top.”
“…”
“BOOBA!”
Posted in TJ + Phil | 13 Comments »
Monday, April 11th, 2011
“So, I’m watching this Beebleboob Galerkticker.”
“Battlestar Galac– go on.”
“Why the hell is John McCain on it?”
“Why is– Oh. That’s not John McCain. I know who you’re talking about, though.”
“Yeah, I’m talking about John McCain.”
“It’s not John McCain. He does look just like him, though.”
“I’m only two episodes in, so I don’t know many names yet, and John McCain keeps throwing me off.”
“… he looks like John McCain.”
“So, I’m not totally following the show yet. Is he supposed to be John McCain, or… ?”
“He’s not John McCain.”
“I mean, I’m watching and watching and then I’m like, ‘and there’s McCain again…’”
“It’s not John McCain.”
“I’m all, ‘Hey, McCain!’”
“It’s not John Mc – here, I’ll clean up your dishes. Go back to bed and lay down.”
Hey, what the hell happened to John McCain’s eye?
NO SPOILERS, McCAIN.
Posted in TJ + Phil | 17 Comments »
Tuesday, March 29th, 2011
“I’m just checking the property management contract to see if we’re responsible for that tree-bush or they are.”
“If it’s them, they need to really trim it down a lot.”
“It’s inside the fence, so it’s us. I’m going to need to borrow a chainsaw… ”
“Uh, couldn’t you just use hedge clippers?
“Well, yeah, I could… ”
(See also: The flamethrower he bought to deal with weeds.)
*****
“Hey, so… I think we need to see Black Swan.”
“What? Why?” (Nothing against it, there has just been no interest expressed on either side before this very moment.)
“Umm… ”
“Okay, who gets naked in it?”
(If you have seen the movie, I am sure you are aware of the graphic scenes someone has apparently informed him of.)
*****
“Let’s have BLTs for dinner.”
“Okay, just text me a list of ingredients to get at the store.”
*****
“I can’t believe more people haven’t commented on that video of the dogs. It’s a great video.”
“It’s great because you like Sheldon.”
“I DO NOT LIKE SHELDON.”
*****
“Did you read my post today?”
“No.”
“SERIOUSLY?”
“I was BUSY. I don’t have TIME.”
“Oh, and I DO?”
“… Yes!”
Posted in TJ + Phil | 5 Comments »
Wednesday, March 16th, 2011
Phil, from another room: Hey, holy shit, we have almost four thousand –
TJ, in her head: Say dollars say dollars say dollars say dollars.
Phil, from another room: — roll over minutes!
TJ, in her head: Goddamnit.
Posted in TJ + Phil | 7 Comments »
Tuesday, March 15th, 2011
“You don’t have a butt.”
“I know that.”
“I didn’t used to, but I have one now, from being pregnant. Do you see it?”
“Uh huh.”
“It’s big.”
“Mm.”
“What? What did you say?”
“I said, ‘Mm.’ Nothing else. Just, ‘Mm.’”
Posted in TJ + Phil | 5 Comments »
Friday, February 18th, 2011
“Did you get the email I sent you today?”
“*glare*”
“The one about Reel Big Fish?”
“*glare*”
“The link to the Reel Big Fish show?”
“I saw it. I’m making the face I made when I saw it for you.”
“Oh.”
“What, exactly, was your reason for sending that?”
“I don’t know. I guess… I thought you’d want to know.”
“You thought I’d want to know about a Reel Big Fish show I can’t go to?”
“… Yes.”
“You though the lady with the Reel Big Fish tattoo, the one also on bed rest, who has not ever even seen Reel Big Fish live, would want to know about an upcoming, nearby Reel Big Fish show?”
“I just wanted you to see something else you were missing because you were on bed rest.” **
“I… you… are you… wait, WHAT?”
“And I actually would have wanted to go to that one.”
“Oh, so you wanted me to know about something that not only am I missing, but forcing you to miss as well?”
“… yes.”
“I honestly do not even know what to say to you.”
“Well, we probably wouldn’t have gone.”
“We wouldn’t have gone?”
“Probably not.”
“To a Reel Big Fish show?”
“I don’t think so.”
“To see one of two bands we actually agree on, keeping in mind that I’m being generous when I say two?”
“Nah.”
“We wouldn’t have gone to a BARBECUE and BEER festival, where Reel Big Fish happened to be playing?”
“Okay… we probably would have gone.”
“Thanks for making me aware of this magical MEAT AND MUSIC event that I can’t go to.”
“Hey, well, maybe you’ll be on modified bed rest by then!”
“Yeah, right – I’ll ask the doctor. ‘Excuse me, now that I’m freshly released from strict bed rest, can I go to a BBQ and beer fest with a bunch of drunken fools and listen to jump up and down ska music for a few hours?’ I bet that is exactly his idea of ‘modified’ bed rest.”
“Well, it could happen.”
“Right. Next, are you going to tell me Weezer is playing at the Commissary tomorrow?”
“I JUST THOUGHT YOU’D WANT TO KNOW.”
(Note: I am not interested in debating the merits, positive or negative, of Reel Big Fish with you today, Internet. Too soon. Just too soon.)
** THIS EXACT SENTENCE WAS SAID I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING.
Posted in TJ + Phil | 19 Comments »
