August 24, bed making
Tuesday, August 24th, 2010“Ok, new rule.”
“Hm?”
“New rule. No half eaten anything in the bed.”
“Oh! My pickle! I was looking for that!”
Archive for the ‘TJ + Phil’ Category
There is still time to back out of this wedding
Thursday, August 19th, 2010“Hey, where’s the CD that goes in this case?”
“Uh, in the same place it’s been for months, where do you think?”
“You think it’s in the CD player?”
“Yeah, I haven’t taken it out soooo…”
“Jack’s Mannequin has been in the CD player for months.”
“Yeah…”
“I’m asking you about the Alkaline Trio CD.”
“Yeah…”
“Have you been thinking that the CD we’ve been listening to in the car for the last few months was Alkaline Trio?”
“Yeah…”
“But… it’s Jack’s Mannequin.”
“Yeah…”
“Um, completely different?”
“Eh… ?”
“Oh, my god. Oh, sweet fancy Jesus.”
(I know that very few of you will understand this, but still, some of you out there are all, “Oh, sweet fancy Jesus!”)
August 12, post-doctory
Thursday, August 12th, 2010
“Do you want to take the dogs for a walk?”
“Well… yes and no. My legs hurt pretty bad.”
“Aww… fwom the widdle needuhls?”
“Nooooo!… My toes hurt. From being scraped in the pool.”
“Oh, yeah… I forgot about that. And fwom the widdle needuhls?”
“THEY WERE LIKE TEN FEET LONG.”
“They were tiny!”
“HE STABBED ME OVER AND OVER. I HAVE GAPING WOUNDS!”
“You don’t even have band aids!“
July 22, fluffing the pillows
Thursday, July 22nd, 2010“Brinkley needs to stop laying in my part of the bed.”
“Well, why don’t you yell at him when you get home and he’s laying there?”
“Because you’re ASLEEP.”
“Oh, so it’s MY fault?”
“Nooo, I’m just SAYING. That’s why I don’t yell at him to get down. Because you’re ASLEEP.”
“Oh, but you can sit on the edge of the bed to put your boots on, and rock the entire bed back and forth. That’s ok?”
“YES. Because I’m rocking you back to sleep.”
“Aww–”
“And if you don’t like it, I will PUNCH you back to sleep.”
July 2, discussion of agony.
Friday, July 2nd, 2010“I have food poisoning.”
“You don’t have food poisoning.”
“Something at the potluck gave me food poisoning.”
“No. You do not have food poisoning.”
“I do. I’m poisoned.”
“Ok, what did you eat?”
“Ribs. And fried chicken.”
“Uh huh.”
“And kielbasa.”
“Mm hm.”
“And another kind of chicken. It was wrapped in bacon. And lasagna.”
“Lasagna, huh?”
“And yakisoba.”
“Oh, was it good?”
“And I had chili. And some ice cream and also cake.”
“Yeah, you don’t have food poisoning.”
“I’m suffering.”
“Yes, from poor decision making. Not food poisoning.”
“I have food poisoning.”
“No, you don’t.”
“Or a super virus.”
“You do not have a super virus.”
“I’m pretty sure I’m turning into a zombie.”
“Unlikely.”
“I’m the plague monkey that starts it all.”
“Ok. Hey, leave this song on.”
“Listen, I’ll sing for you. Wait for it… wait for it… GIRL! If you’re wondering if I have to two… I have to two!”
“… gross.”
June 22, dinner clean up
Tuesday, June 22nd, 2010“Like a good neeeiiiigh-bor, State Farm is theeeere! Gah. Goddamn commercial.”
“You are so easily persuaded.”
“Psh. You can’t persuade me to do shit.”
“Sure I can. All I need is a jingle.”
“Ha! Like a good neeeiiiigh-bor, come rub my back!*”
“I’m kind of huuuun-gry, make me a cake!”
“Ha. Ok. That might work.”
*not a… direct quote. Our families read this blog.
June 11, watching the news
Saturday, June 12th, 2010“If I ever die from some kind of wasting disease, I need you to do me a favor.”
“Oh, what’s that?”
“You know how they always say, ‘oh, he was a fighter to the end, never complained, graceful, kept his sense of humor, making jokes the whole time,’ and all that stuff like they’re saying about this newscaster who died right now?”
“Yeah…”
“I probably wouldn’t be like that. I know I wouldn’t be like that. So if I ever die from some kind of prolonged issue, I want you to make a completely honest speech about me at my funeral. Not that I’m saying that when people say those things, they’re untrue. I just know they wouldn’t be true of me. So make a speech about that.”
“Okay…”
“Say, ‘She complained the entire time, she was an unbelievable whiner, she just laid on the couch and ate marshmallows, and basically just made life miserable for herself and everyone around her. The only funny or somewhat pleasant thing about this whole wretched experience was the ridiculous shit she would say when high out of her mind on painkillers –’ ”
“– which I recorded and shall now play for you.”
