Go with me on this one, Internet. The payoff comes at the end.
The Redhead’s status message on gtalk said something to the effect of wanting peach ice cream, but not even liking peach ice cream.
TJ: CRAVINGS HMMM?
The Redhead: yeah yeah
TJ: HMMMMM
The Redhead: i think it has less to do with my hormones and more to do with the breyers ad on realsimple.com
TJ: I refuse to acknowledge that
The Redhead: well that’s… reasonable
in any case, i’ve been mostly placated by these delicious pita chips
TJ: HMMMM
The Redhead: have you been drinking?
TJ: No, of course not
I want to show solidarity to you in your time of enforced sobriety.
The Redhead: fyi
when and if i ever am actually pregnant
i am not going to stop drinking coffee
i’m just… not.
TJ: I’m not going to stop smoking
low birthweight sounds FINE BY ME AND MY VAJEEN.
The Redhead: heh
seriously
i love how people just loooooooooove to pass all sorts of moral judgment on a pregnant woman who has half a glass of wine, while they shove another double mcshit burger down their disgusting throats
TJ: meh
a single glass of wine
a cup of coffee
whatever
it’s all fine
people had plenty of fucking babies before all this science
The Redhead: i think if a glass of wine or a cup of coffee is what it takes to keep me from KILLING EVERYONE AROUND ME, then really, its beneficial to the fetus, because it won’t have to be born in prison.
TJ: I think if I was to suddenly stop the massive amounts of caffeine I take in in an day
more harm than good would be done
The Redhead: seriously
a little bit of caffeine vs stabbing myself in the eye
TJ: i think I just take in so much so constantly that the withdrawal alone would be harmful
I’d cut back, sure, but not quit
The Redhead: also, i think my body has gotten pretty good at extracting and deploying every last little bit, so i can’t imagine how much of it would be passed on
New voicemail from my sister: Hey butt nugget, call me back.
*ring*
*ring* Kate: Hello? TJ: Hello, butt pipe. Kate: I’m calling YOU back from yesterday so what’s up? TJ: Yesterday? Oh. OH! Ok. Here’s what ended up happening! [long involved story I won't go into here.] Kate: Wait wait… why are they following this guy with a camera? Ooh, hang on, I’m about to be on the news… [sound of newscaster aggressively interrogating someone in the background]. Aaaannnd moving away from the camera… and I’m clear. So what were you saying? TJ: Where was I? Oh, so THEN [more story]… Kate: Heh. Funny. People are so stupid. Ok, I’ve got to walk back past the camera… TJ: Say butt pipe! Kate: And I’m walking… and I’m walking… TJ: Say butt pipe! Kate: And I’m passing the camera… BUTT WIPE! TJ: Nooo butt pipe! Kate: Butt wipe. TJ: I said say butt PIPE. Kate: I said butt wipe! TJ: BUTT! PIPE! *insert glancing over shoulder at other assembled smokers on the loading dock here* Kate: Oh. Well, that’s funny, too. TJ: It’s too late, you wrecked your big shot at fame.
ANYWAY! Administrative crap stuff!
One! I have finally updated (for the first time in a year!) all my links and moved them to a place where they fit. Up at the top there’s a link to… er, well, all the links. I took them directly from my Google Reader, so that’s [most] of the stuff I read all day. Some stuff I held back, either because I was too embarassed to admit I read it or because a girl can’t reveal ALL her secrets. Mostly the embarassed part though.
Two! Oh my gosh! Do you see that other link up there? The “HI TJ!” one? It is a project I have started. And by “I have started,” I mean I have put two photos on a page and am going to demand that you, Internet, help me fill up the rest of the page. I want ONE SKRILLION “HI TJ!” pictures. From you. Or Julia Nunes. Or the Lincoln Memorial. Or any place or person or anything you see where you can stick “HI TJ!” and take a picture. I got these as kind of a joke, but then I was smitten with them and wanted a skrillion of them, but unfortunately it is not nearly so amusing to take pictures of myself saying hi to myself, so that’s where you come in, Internet. Please don’t let me down, I have so little joy in my life!
Three! You can now e-mail The Redhead. No, seriously.
The Redhead: ooooh, fan mail…. TJ: indeed The Redhead: i think i just peed a little TJ: it could be done. The Redhead: MsRedhead [AT] ymail.com TJ: well I will make a post to the effect that you are now accepting tributes and fanmail sometime soon The Redhead: accolades
I am accepting accolades
From now on, I will attempt to remember The Redhead’s fanmail address in every post in her category. I’ve had the address for a couple of days, but I wanted to wait until I had some Redhead Gold for you to comment on, to sort of jump start her. And wouldn’t you know, with her, you don’t have to wait too long.
The Redhead: oh your face
so i just took this really long online test thing
and apparently i have the emotional intelligence of a lump of dirt
go figure.
FOUR. This is not at all administrative, but I am going to see my favorite band tonight and I am way excited.
So if you’re awesome enough that you’re ALSO going to be at Ram’s Head in Baltimore tonight, come say hi.
So, Monday, on Craigslist, I saw this (long but entirely necessary for full awesomeness).
Production Coordinator/Must Speak Geek
WANTED: i-dotting, t-crossing control freak meets calendar carrying web junkie. If you spend more time online or on your computer, ipod, psp, Gameboy, and/or Playstation, well you just might be a production coordinator. Be prepared to tell us what blogs you read and what feeds you burn, what games you play or what level just keeps eluding you
(referring to a certain afternoon-into-evening-two-bottles-of-rum-outside-on-my-deck marathon shortly before she moved to stupid California)
TJ: HA
IT’S FUNNY CAUSE IT’S TRUE The Redhead: i know, right?
if it wasn’t, you know, a $500 flight, i would come out and we could do that again
but it is. so i won’t. TJ: well, I’m glad to know the monetary value of our friendship
<$500
*****
The Redhead: Hey, did you have your appointment yet? TJ: No
It’s a freakin week away The Redhead: eff
Well I’m hoping for something completely harmless and yet totally bizarre TJ: I’m hoping for parasite! The Redhead: That would be hott TJ: Or?
MY OWN TWIN The Redhead: HAVE YOU SEEN THE ‘I AM MY OWN TWIN’ DISCOVERY SPECIAL? TJ: YES! The Redhead: I hope that’s what it is TJ: Oh me too
I want to be on the phone with Discovery Health within 10 minutes of my appointment The Redhead: Can you sell the rights to your disease?
Oooh, or maybe its Morgellens
Have you heard of that? TJ: nope The Redhead: It’s half disease, half… cult.
*****
TJ: ANYWAY I have a date tomorrow (WITH A NORMAL FELLOW) so I need to finish my laundries so I don’t have to go like the dirty dirty slob I am The Redhead: Be sure to ask if he has anyone dissolving in his bathtub
Just to be on the safe side. TJ: Will do.
*****
The Redhead: Have you ever vomited so hard that some of it went up into your sinuses?
I have
Food poisoning sucks. TJ: …. GROSS The Redhead: yeah
Especially if it was a chili cheese burger
Vomitorium TJ: I hate you The Redhead: Not as much as I hated me at about 3 a.m. on Sunday
Ok, so, go get yourself a good strong drink, settle down, and mail that drink to me, ’cause in a little bit you’ll see why I deserve it more.
So, yesterday I instructed you to go back and read this entry here, which is what happened on the Tuesday of my week of misbehavior. I apparently never really followed up with the Wednesday or the Thursday, and the story has just been given yet ANOTHER update, so now is as good a time as any to write the whole thing. Ok, a year ago would have been a slightly better time, but I’m here now, Internet. Let’s let bygones be bygones.
Thankfully, I was communicating during the work day with The Redhead on meebo all the time, so I have actual conversation logs, which will comprise much of this entry, so as not to lose any of the details to the faded memory that occurs with the passing of time.
Actually, I never forget anything. Using the logs will keep me from being lazy and leaving stuff out.
So anyway, where we left off with that story, this guy and I had arranged to go out the next day.
Here, we pick up Wednesday afternoon with The Redhead.
[13:59] TJ: we are NOT going out with [Random Company] guy
[14:00] The Redhead: what?!
[14:01] TJ: So I get a voicemail from him saying he’s getting off work early
[14:01] TJ: he doesn’t live in the area, he’s just been working here for a couple of days
[14:01] TJ: so I go down to the loading dock to give him a call and let him know the earliest I could get out was 5:30
[14:01] TJ: so I’m chatting with him on the phone, leaning against the railing
[14:02] TJ: I ask if he wants to go get a drinnk at the nearby pool hall/bar place
[14:02] TJ: he says oh well I can really only hang out til 5:30
[14:02] TJ: and I said ok….
[14:02] TJ: he said I’ve got a daughter, I was going to do stuff with her tonight
[14:02] TJ: and I am taken aback
[14:02] The Redhead: OHHH NOOO
[14:02] TJ: but I say oh okay it’s cool, we can hang out another night
[14:02] The Redhead: he has offspring?
[14:02] TJ: and he’s all well…. I really don’t get out this way that often
[14:03] TJ: and I’m like eh, no big, hang out with your kid, man
[14:03] TJ: and mention that I was a bit surprised, he didn’t mention last night that he had a daughter
[14:03] TJ: I say, does she live with you?
[14:03] TJ: he goes ‘yeah’
[14:03] TJ: and I said ‘…… and where’s her mother?’
[14:03] TJ: ‘she’s there, too….’
[14:03] TJ: uuuh huh.
[14:03] TJ: So… are you married?
[14:03] TJ: ‘…. ehhhh …. no……’
[14:04] The Redhead: WHOA
[14:04] TJ: ‘but i’m kind of stuck where I am, I can’t get out right now, hopefully some day soon…’ and kind of trails off
[14:04] The Redhead: STEP AWAY FROM THE CREEP.
[14:04] TJ: and at this point i see my friend J who left the note for me coming across the parking lot and kind of beckon him over
[14:04] TJ: and I said ‘well, you’ve got my number if you ever manage to get out of that’
[14:04] TJ: basically saying ‘yeah, not happening dude’
[14:04] TJ: and say bye
[14:04] TJ: and he’s all ‘ok… bye’
[14:04] TJ: so J comes up and i start talking to him
[14:05] TJ: right at the point I see
[14:05] TJ: a [RANDOM COMPANY] pick up truck pull out of a near by parking spot and drive away
[14:05] TJ: with dude leaning over to check me out as he goes by
[14:05] TJ: so he was WATCHING me the whole time I was on the phone, too!
[14:06] The Redhead: EWWW
[14:10] TJ: sigh.
[14:12] The Redhead: its like when you get all the way home fromt he grocery store only two discover that one of your eggs is broken.
[14:12] TJ: ha!
[14:13] The Redhead: except, skeevier
Heh. So, that’s what happened on Wednesday. On top of that, when he was saying “Well, I can’t go out, but I don’t get out here much…,” he suggested we meet in the parking lot. Well, sure, since we’re both here, we can leave from here, but NO. That’s not what he meant. He meant like, meet… in the parking lot. Like… park there. I don’t even know if I can explain this accurately – he says he wants to go out, but actually in reality has to get home to this kid he forgot to mention, but would like to meet me for 5 minutes in the parking lot? What the hell for? Up yours, dude.
So, that was the end of that.
Yeah right.
Musical interlude!!
These guys are called Fools and Horses, and if you live in the Maryland/DC/Virginia area, I urge you to go check them out if you get a chance. I saw them with The Redhead’s boyfriend one time. That’s a whole different story though, isn’t it?
Annnnd we’re back!
So, that was Wednesday, where you’d think things would end. But that’s just not how my life goes, Internet. That’s just not how my life goes.
We pick up again with The Redhead.
[06:36] TJ: DUDE DID YOU GET MY TEXT
[06:37] The Redhead: OMG OMG YES. i demand a full accounting
[06:37] TJ: HOLY CRAP
[06:37] The Redhead: now
[06:37] TJ: Ok, so I get a voicemail “Hi, is this TJ? Could you give me a call back, my name’s D****(?) 144376******. Thank you” So I call back form my desk, like hi I just got a voicemail… ? And she says yeah and starts asking me about a note I gave to one of the [Random Company] employees, she was checking the phone records, etc etc as he has a company phone, blah blah.
So I immediately feel like an ass, start apologizing, say I’m sorry, don’t worry, I won’t be calling him again and I hope he doesn’t call me… And she’s like, weirdly pressing for detail for a co-worker, you know? She’s all, do you mind telling me what happened and I got embarassed and I said well, I hit on him, and he showed interest… And she says ‘did he tell you he wasn’t married?’
[06:39] The Redhead: ho-lee crap
[06:39] TJ: and I said yeah, he did, but I didn’t believe him, I’m sorry to bother him at work, etc etc and she’s all, ‘Well, he is married, with a daughter and another on the way… and I don’t meant o freak you out, but this is his wife.’
[06:39] TJ: and she started to cry
[06:39] The Redhead: AHHHHH
[06:39] The Redhead: omg
[06:39] The Redhead: omg omg omg
[06:39] TJ: I said oh my god, oh my god, I’m so so so sorry. I didn’t know, I’m sorry, etc. And she’s saying no no no I’m sorry for what he did to you, I’m sorry. I still don’t quite understand how she put two and two together but anyway, she says, He called you yesterday 10 minutes after I had called him to tell him I just got back from my ultrasound, I’m 6 months pregnant and I was telling him we’re having a boy.
And it goes back and forth for a couple of minutes, I give her a loose outline of what went on and she’s just crying and I feel so bad and I say ok. Ok, hold on. I am going to print out some things, and I’m going to call you back, are you ok? And she keeps saying ‘i appreicate it, i appreciate it, you don’t have to call, I won’t be mad if you don’t, etc’ And I said no no, you sit tight.
So I printed out the voicemails (YAY voice to text!) and took them downstairs and called her back and gave her the full outline of what happened, in order. She says how SHE found out is because he’s an IDIOT. He says on WEDNESDAY ‘so this girl gave me a note today that said I was cute but I never even saw her and I ripped it up and threw it away’ WHY did you even TELL her? So she comes to find my business card and number in his phone. She says she’s not crazy, she idn’t a crazy girl, but he just seemed like he was lying and she wanted to check and she kept assuring me she wasn’t one of “those girls” And that she didn’t hold anything against me and she wasn’t going to call me ever again or stalk me or anything.
So anyway, she finds out he called me and he tells her ‘yeah I called to tell her I was married and had a daughter and another kid on the way and she hung up on me.’ And I’m all ooooh hell no
[06:44] The Redhead: omGGGG
[06:44] The Redhead: i can’t believe this
[06:44] TJ: She and I end up talking for a good 20 minutes, because, you know, how often to you get that opportunity? So we talk and she’s so upset and so apologetic, even apologzing for him! And I’m like look, no harm no foul on my part. I’m not heartbroken, I know he wasn’t my type. I was just disgusted and I’m really just happy to give you this information. And she said that any information i could give her would really help her decide what she needs to do. They’ve been married since last august. 1 year old daughter and a boy on the way in 3 months.
Anyway, the conversation with The Redhead goes on to talk about how she gave me her email address, and I sent her the voicemails, plus the conversations that were logged in meebo outlining the whole thing – this is obviously not a smart man we are dealing with, and with the whole timeline of what happened from me, who has no reason to be lying in my dicussions with The Redhead and such, is not going to leave him any room to wiggle his way out. I don’t know why I got so angry, or why I gave her all that information. I was just. So. Disgusted.
[06:47] TJ: Then last night I had all this terrible guilt
[06:47] TJ: I mean… did I HAVE to give her EVERY detail?
[06:47] TJ: the part where I told her he said “aaaahhh… no….” about being married almost killed her
[06:47] TJ: I just feel like ‘oh crap, ruined the guy’s life!’
[06:47] The Redhead: um no
[06:47] The Redhead: the guy ruined the guys life
[06:48] The Redhead: not to mention screwing up this woman’s and their kids’
[06:48] The Redhead: he is an asshole, and you two should destroy him
The Redhead ALWAYS makes me feel better.
Dance break!
Did you guys ever check out the What The Buck? show that I mentioned on the last TJtv? Seriously. Do so.
So right. Anyway. That all happened a year ago. On this past Saturday, I called Michelle to wish her a Happy Birthday and said, “Oh, by the way, got a funny story for you.”
Yeah. That’s right. A full YEAR later, he somehow found my private profile on My Space and is wondering, hey, now that he’s gotten himself out of that pesky wife-and-children situation, did I maybe want to get together?
So I tell Michelle this, we laugh, I ignore it, life goes on.
Next day, I went out with a Guy Whose Name I am Not Sure I Have Permission to Use On the Internet, so we will call him GWNINSIHPUOI. Or just… The Guy. For now. Okay?
So we go out, tra la la, and I come home to find this:
GLAD YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I AM SOOO NOT “INTRASTED.”
What the hell is this guy thinking, seriously? He got caught Attempting to Date While Married, I told his wife EVE-RY-THING, and a year later he wants to know if I’ve been… what, pining away for him? Saving myself? Waiting for the day my skeevy prince will come?
GAH.
So, to make this even more perfect, I come in to work yesterday, and what do I see? [Random Company] trucks in the parking lot.
SUPER.
The Guy: so how was the dude? TJ: I didn’t see him. Good thing, I probably would have kicked him in the shin and ran. TJ: not… that I make a habit of kicking and running. I just don’t even know what to say to him. The Guy: you should draw him pictures of how you feel TJ: :( :( >.< </3 /slap /no
Emoticon rejection, the Wave of the Dating Future.
Anyway. I’ve answered none of this man’s messages. I honestly have NO IDEA what to say in the face of such… ridiculous optimism.
The Redhead: Price
gave
me
a TJ: VD? The Redhead: HICKEY TJ: HAHAHAHAAA
You’re marked
With SHAME
After he gave you the hickey
Did his mom or your mom pick you guys up from the mall? The Redhead: We actually sneaked out of homeroom and took the bus TJ: hahaha whore brand
Today:
The Redhead: The hickey
is still
visable.
My parents get here tonight
and I have a hickey. TJ: Hahaha whore
I mean… awww
Have you tried the cold spoon thing? The Redhead: I don’t know about the cold spoon thing
I don’t even remember getting hickeys as a teenager
I always thought they were kind of an urban legend
Guess not. TJ: too busy sitting home and cross stiching? The Redhead: ha
More like boyfriend-poaching
I was not a nice teenager
Which I suppose is not especially surprising TJ: Well, you’re not a nice adult
Don’t worry
I’ll ask the internet what to do
Well, Internet? Any ideas on how The Redhead can de-sluttify herself before the evening arrival of her parents? Or is she doomed to walk around with her shame visible to the world?
Personally, I find the second option WAY funnier.
Edit, 5 seconds ago:
TJ: there, I’ve asked the internet for advice on your behalf The Redhead: bitch! i thought you were going to google it.
I haven't found a convenient, easy to update method of displaying a list of links to all of the blogs I read, nor am I interested in getting all wrapped up in the politics of who is listed and who is not, so here is a link to a single blog that I do, in fact, read, to be updated randomly and completely at my own whim, for no particular reason or reasons I DON'T FEEL I NEED TO DISCUSS WITH YOU, INTERNET, but you can rest assured that I would not maliciously steer you wrong.
Hello! I'm TJ and this is my blog. The picture is a joke, get it? Because I'm INSIDE the INTERNET?
I'm 30 years old and I live in Arizona with my husband and our two big dogs. I've been married for just over a year, and we have a 7 month old daughter named Penelope. You can do the math. It's okay. We don't mind.
Read my stuff. You'll like it.
I know that at some point, this section of my site will be out of date. I promise you in advance, I'm aware of that.
