Archive for the ‘Somebody’s getting maawwweeed’ Category
Monday, June 28th, 2010
I have this file on the laptop, called The Big List of Decisions. I made it right when we first started planning the wedding. Every single possible detail that would have to eventually be decided was listed, from choosing a place to have the wedding to purchasing the undergarments necessary for the dress that I would eventually end up choosing. Over the first few months of planning the wedding, I flipped through wedding magazines and stuff, getting some ideas but not making any major decisions. I added decisions to be made to the list here and there, but The Big List of Decisions has been extremely comprehensive and complete for quite some time now. I’m really very pleased with it. I can’t find a single stone I’ve left unturned at this point. The list is so detailed and so specific that I am certain that if I went down the list and decided/completed/purchased/arranged/hired or otherwise ticked off each and every item in order, the wedding would be perfect and complete.
I made the list shortly after we got engaged (which was one year ago this Wednesday!), and I crossed off a thing or two here and there – the major decisions like date, place, dress, photographer, DJ. That kind of stuff. I had all of that big stuff out of the way by February of this year, so I felt pretty accomplished and sat back to do nothing for a while.
Every few weeks or maybe every month, it suddenly occurs to me that the wedding is creeping ever closer, and I pull out The Big List of Decisions to take a look at what I’ve accomplished. Much to my surprise, every single time, the list remains 16 miles long without more than just a couple of items crossed off.
I don’t understand how this can be. I’ve spent so much time (by “so much time,” I mean that every few weeks I’ll suddenly spend an entire day looking at wedding stuff before sinking back down into the depths of wedding apathy for another few weeks) picking out the things I like and the style I want and thinking up ideas for this or that. How is it possible that I’ve managed to cross next to nothing off of this monstrous list, at now less then four months to go until the wedding?
So I take a look at the list and immediately notice some items I could swear should be crossed off by now.
Veil – Okay, well, I decided what kind of veil I wanted, and I decided where I will purchase the veil, why isn’t this crossed off? Oh yeah, because I didn’t actually purchase the veil.
Cake – Psh, easy. We decided where we were getting the cake, I told my mom what I wanted it to look like, I even called the shop to find out the cost and if they would be able to make a cake of that size for that day. So, done, right? Except no. I said, “Thank you, I’ll call back!” and hung up. About three weeks ago.
Invitations – I’ve been looking at invitations since pretty much the week we got engaged. If we are splurging on anything at all for this wedding, it’s the invitations. I’ve gone over and over all of the choices. I’ve narrowed and renarrowed and unnarrowed and narrowed some more. I’ve sent my final choices to my mother, my sister and Phil for their information. I’ve gathered all of the information together. I’ve compared their favorites to my favorites. I’ve watched the time tick by, knowing that the window to order invitations, have them designed and printed and shipped, addressed and then mailed out, is now down to about 6 or 8 weeks. Yet it remains uncrossed.
Those aren’t all, of course. They’re just an example. There’s also what Phil will wear – we’ve been to the store, we’ve looked over the options, we’ve picked our favorites and done nothing with that information. I know what kind of flowers I would like to carry, but aside from one meeting with a florist I couldn’t stand back in February, we haven’t even contacted another florist yet. I’ve decided IN MY MIND how I would like the centerpieces to look, but have not gone ahead with purchasing any of the items necessary to create them.
I’ve got some kind of decision paralysis going on. I think things through, I have ideas, and then I don’t act on them. I don’t know why I’m not moving ahead with any of this, because I certainly do not want to spend the last few weeks before the wedding in an absolute panic. I have plenty of time to accomplish everything on this list, yet I’m not doing any of it and I’m not entirely sure what I’m waiting for.
I do have a theory, though. Remember a while back when I talked about being a grown up, and how some things seem like such “grown up” activities that I don’t really feel like I’m totally allowed to be doing them, or maybe that someone might catch me at it and yell at me or some other ridiculous, unlikely to happen scenario? I think I’ve placed “having a wedding” or “getting married” into that category. On top of that, I think that planning from across the country is making it worse. I keep checking in with my mother and my sister, as if I need explicit approval or permission to make any kind of solid decisions or purchases or arrangements.
Like, for example, the veil. When I tried on the dress I ended up purchasing, the bridal shop attendant added on a veil that came down to the back of my knees – waltz length. I think it looked nice, and since, as bridal message boards will tell you over and over, “tulle is tulle,” I chose a discount shop from which to purchase a waltz length white veil. I called my mother and sister and asked what they thought, but neither of them really remembered the veil with the dress. So I figured I had better wait until I was there in Pennsylvania so I could show them in person, to find out if it was okay. Because apparently, the fact that I want it and I think it looks nice is not enough to make it OKAY ENOUGH for me to go ahead and purchase it.
Now, don’t get me wrong – neither my mother nor my sister or even Phil is requesting that I wait or have all decisions approved before any money is spent or companies hired. I have created this restrictive wedding planning world IN MY MIND. Again – centerpieces. I called my sister and let her know what I was thinking. She thought it sounded awesome. I went by Michaels and took some pictures of some items I was thinking of including and sent them to her. She loved them. I called her again one day and went over my whole centerpiece idea, including what I would purchase and from where and how much money would be spent on each individual centerpiece. She was all for it. Yet have I purchased ANY of it? No. For some reason, I have decided that it would be best to wait until I am actually in Pennsylvania at the end of July to physically show her and make sure she knows what she is agreeing to.
Like she has any personal investment in the centerpieces at my wedding. As if were I to go ahead and purchase everything now, on her triple approval alone, and then proudly display it all before her on the eve of the wedding, she would tell me that she would NEVER have chosen such a thing and that my whole wedding was going to be ruined and terrible.
The same goes for everything else. Shoes. Jewelry. Cake. Flowers. Centerpieces. Tablecloths. Tuxes. I am pretty well aware of what I want, but am avoiding pulling the trigger on any of these decisions. I know that the world has made a joke of Bridezillas, but maybe a hilarious television show should be created from the paralyzing indecision of high strung brides who require the complete, total and repeated approval of every single person they’ve ever met before making a single, inconsequential decision.
I can understand this kind of thing happening with big decisions. Houses. Cars. What college to attend. Which job offer to take. Have another kid or don’t have another kid. Those are weighty, expensive, major commitment choices. What earrings I wear for my wedding is hardly going to rock the foundations of life as we all know it, but I insist on treating every decision as if it must be made by committee, with 100% buy in from everyone even tangentially involved in the wedding.
I don’t really know how to release myself from this paralysis. I could hope that the ever-tightening deadlines will finally spur me into action, but that seems like a bit of a risky proposition, considering my current pattern of inaction. I could try to find some way into pep talking myself to just do it, maybe have some kind of Nike swoosh embroidered into my bridal underpants to get me in the spirit. I could try to convince myself that it is my opinion and my opinion alone that matters, but that is so far from the truth and so far from my personal life philosophies as a whole that I would not be able to see The Big List of Decisions due to an inability to stop my eyes from rolling.
All I know, Internet, is that this wedding is happening, with or without bridal underpants, so finding the appropriate stick – whether it be for poking me in the back or carrot dangling in the front – is becoming quite a pressing issue.
Do you suffer from decision paralysis? What do you do to get over it? How do you stop yourself from the constant input-gathering and repeated second guessing cycle?
Posted in Somebody's getting maawwweeed | 14 Comments »
Monday, June 7th, 2010
Ok, I know from reading the title, Internet, you’re all ready to skip reading the post and say, “It’s you. You’re the diet soda hog. This is a well known fact. You once drank a diet soda that had a HANDLE – was veritably BUCKET-ESQUE – and did not share. You are the diet soda hog, and I don’t feel the need to waste 10 minutes of my day reading some kind of hollow justification about how you are not, in fact, a diet soda hog, because I already know that you are.”
WELL, SLOW DOWN THERE, BUDDY. First? I didn’t finish that bucket soda, so, you know. POINT DEFLECTED. Second, give me some credit. Do you think I really need to write a whole new post about my consumption of diet soda? There is a TWIST and I don’t mean to be a spoiler but the twist is that PHIL IS THE DIET SODA HOG.
Allow me to explain.
Right now, our living room has a rather interesting set up going on. The couch is pushed almost into the hallway, and the coffee table is all cockeyed, to block off the opening between the couch and the love seat. The usually open area that leads into the kitchen is blocked almost completely by Sheldon’s crate, with the opening facing into the living room. The last little bit of open space into the kitchen is filled with a wicker room divider. To get to the bathroom, I have to go around the coffee table and climb over the arm of the love seat. To get to the kitchen, you just have to go through the room divider, which sounds simple, until you realize that you need to fend off 150 lbs of dog to do so. It’s pretty much like a big episode of Double Dare, but with less slime and more four letter words.
We’ve got this set up happening right now because we’re letting Sheldon spend all of his time outside of his crate, as long as we’re home. It’s kind of a Sheldon Boot Camp, in that we’re all just camped out in this room all day, letting him learn how to be Sheldon in a way that doesn’t involve peeing on the floors or destroying any of our totally high quality second hand belongings. All of this doesn’t really have anything to do with anything except to somewhat justify my laziness, but I shouldn’t even have bothered because my laziness is not the issue – Phil’s diet soda hoggery is.
So, anyway, we spent our weekend in this room, with Phil at his computer playing WoW and me on the couch shopping for wedding invitations from the laptop. Given what a ridiculous hassle it is to do anything with our house set up this way and a Sheldon running pretty much amok, whenever Phil would be up, I’d ask him to bring me a diet soda, and he would.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “If he would willingly bring you a diet soda whenever you asked, how is HE the diet soda hog? Not only do I stick by my original assumption that you are, in fact, the soda hog, I also want to revisit this laziness thing. You can’t get up and get your own diet sodas? I think you need to go back to the beginning of this post and start over and make it about your LAZINESS, not about these specious diet soda hog claims you are tossing at Phil’s feet.”
To that I would reply, you know what, why don’t you start your OWN BLOG if you want to go around derailing people’s posts like that? Come on. It’s just rude.
I continue.
Now, to understand why Phil bringing me a soda demonstrates the fact that he IS INDEED the diet soda hog, you first need to understand the diet soda breakdown in this house. Let’s go over our most recent diet soda purchase:
Allow me to break this down for you, soda by soda, so you understand fully what I am about to tell you.
Diet Dr Pepper: Only Phil drinks this soda. When asked what kind of soda I like, I always say that I will drink anything diet, EXCEPT for Diet Dr. Pepper. The reason is, and I shit you not, it tastes too much like regular. Diet Dr. Pepper is purchased for Phil’s enjoyment only.
Mountain Dew Distortion: Mountain Dew has these three new flavors to try right now, but they only come in regular, not diet. Even though I am interested in trying the three new flavors, this 12 pack was not for me. Because it was regular and not diet. I seriously don’t drink regular. At all. So, again, that was for Phil’s taste testing pleasure only.
Cherry Coke Zero: Phil and I both like this soda. It’s not his first choice, but he’ll drink it without complaint if none of his others are around.
Diet Coke with Lime: Phil does not drink this one, at all. Just me. It’s not something I like all the time, but when we’re stocking up like this ($2.50/12 pack is when we max out of shoppers club cards and such), I like to have some on hand. I don’t want to drink this every day, but I do like it.
Diet Sierra Mist: I actually don’t know Phil’s feelings on this one, as this was the first time we bought it. I was just in the mood for it. He hasn’t had any of it, though, so let’s say that this one is just for me, just to be fair.
Diet Mountain Dew: Phil and I both like this one. He doesn’t drink it any more than he drinks Diet Dr. Pepper, but he does like it. Diet Mountain Dew is also my absolute favorite. If we’re picking up 20 oz bottles of soda for a car trip, I always get Diet Mountain Dew. If we’re getting sodas the size of our heads, mine is always day-glo green. If I was into car racing, which I’m not, and there was a Diet Mountain Dew car, and I got free tickets to a race, and I wasn’t yet totally annoyed by the heat and the noise and the crowds, I would totally cheer for that car.
Diet Coke Zero: I like this one just fine. I suspect that Phil does as well, but at this point, I don’t think he’d admit it, so as not to make his diet soda hoggishness so glaringly apparent.
So, seemingly, we have plenty of diet soda. A nice variety. Two that only Phil will drink, two that only I will drink, and three that fall somewhere in the middle.
So, all weekend – and this is not limited just to this weekend, mind you – when I would ask Phil to bring me a diet soda, he would willingly bring me one. It’s hard to see any diet soda hog-like tendencies there, right? Well, what if I tell you that he pretty much always, almost without fail, would bring me a Diet Coke with Lime or a Diet Sierra Mist? Now is it making sense?
When performing a seemingly selfless task, like bringing his lazy ass girlfriend another diet soda, he always manages to bring the sodas that he himself would never drink.
Do you know why?
BECAUSE HE IS MAKING SURE THAT ALL OF THE JOINTLY-LIKED SODAS ARE PRESERVED FOR HIS CONSUMPTION.
Never mind that I also enjoy a nice Cherry Coke Zero. And of course, the fact the Diet Mountain Dew is pretty much my favorite loosely-categorized “food” item with sarcasti-quotes being incredibly necessary in the WHOLE WORLD.
In the extremely rare case that Diet Mountain Dew is the only soda in the house, he has brought me a Diet Mountain Dew. Otherwise? NOT ONCE. Not ONE TIME.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Ok, so, you have a house full of diet soda which you yourself have said that you like, and you don’t even have to get off of your own flat ass to get it, and you’re going to complain about what kind of soda he brings you?”
My answer? Yes. Yes I am.
It’s the principle of the thing. He had been doing this for a YEAR before I caught on! Every time he’d bring me a soda and it wasn’t a Diet Mountain Dew, even though I knew we had plenty of Diet Mountain Dew in the house and I knew that he knew that Diet Mountain Dew was totally my favorite, I would be a little disappointed. But did I ever make a fuss? No. Because it wasn’t a big deal, right? I mean, it’s not like he was doing it on purpose, right? Especially because, as you can see above, when we purchase soda, we always make sure there is twice the amount of Diet Mountain Dew than anything else, to accommodate both of us. There’s plenty to go around, right? A whole year before I finally clued in to the fact that when HE was the one to grab car sodas for the both of us, and only one of the sodas was a Diet Mountain Dew, it was ALWAYS FOR HIM!
To deliberately never, ever bring me my favorite diet soda with the sole nefarious intention of preserving it for himself is what makes Phil THE DIET SODA HOG OF THE HOUSE.
This is the point in the post where, after presenting all of the evidence heavily skewed to my side of the story, I ask you, the Internet, to Settle This by choosing one of two options. But you know what, Internet? I think I’ve made my case here. I don’t think there’s anything to settle. I mean, if you’ve gotten this far and have a total raging boner for settling something, Settle This:
Is it right to deliberately and with MALICE AFORETHOUGHT deny the woman you are going to marry her favorite soda in the whole world, disguising your motives under the apparently altruistic act of freely bringing diet sodas when requested?
I would think by this point, jury — I mean, Internet — that the answer should be clear.
Bonus question: Help a girl out and tell me the name of your favorite choice from this Etsy shop – I’m 97% certain I will be purchasing my invitations from her, I just need to narrow down the frickin’ fabulous choices.
Posted in Brinkley + Sheldon, Settle This, Somebody's getting maawwweeed | 69 Comments »
Friday, May 28th, 2010
Hello! It’s Friday! What do you think about that?
We’ve been in our new place for coming up on three months now. It’s very different. even the simplest things are still exciting. Being able to run a load of laundry whenever we want. Being able to really use the main areas of the house without feeling confined to our bedroom or office. Cooking and doing the dishes after we eat, instead of having to do everything very quickly, all at once, and scampering upstairs to eat. The water doesn’t get shut off for non-payment every other month. No one does laundry right outside out bedroom at midnight. Pants optional. You know.
Removing the main source of stress and tension in our lives, however, has not removed ALL of the stress and tension. In fact, it probably revealed stress and tension we didn’t even know was there while we were dealing with our previous living situation. However, stress and tension is much easier to bypass now – previous clenched-teeth conversations behind closed doors can now be full on yell-fests stretching the length of the entire house. It’s much more efficient. Anyway, the whole “everything will be perfect once we move” thing has certainly not held true, but our lives are still 137% better than they previously were.
Sheldon is a lot to handle. He’s a sweet dog. He really is. But we had to put him on some medication for his bad kennel cough, including a steroid which makes him have to pee a lot. Yesterday, he was outside playing in the yard and I was on the phone with my mother when I noticed something Phil and I had both missed – he had lifted his leg in the night and peed out the side of the crate, all over Phil’s computer area. Oh, man. So while I was cleaning that, on my way to get more paper towels? I looked into the back yard and Sheldon was OUTSIDE THE FENCE. I had to run, y’all. Actually run. With my FEET. Now he’s tied down outside, carefully measured so that he can’t attempt the fence and choke himself. When I went out to get his bowl this morning, he play-bit me so many times I had to scamper out of his range. I’m covered in bruises from his “play” bites. Being here alone with him during the day is difficult, since he’s so large but still has the tiny puppy mentality. We’re looking into some seriously heavy duty training options, so that, frankly, he will be safer, sooner.
Anyway. While I was running? WITH MY FEET? I was reasonably certain that I was going to die from it, which is one of my top 3 reasons for not running. You have to admit, highly likely potential death is a pretty good reason to avoid exercise. However, much to my dismay, I did not ACTUALLY die. I just felt like I was going to. This made me REALLY angry with the dog, but not dead. Therefore, that only leaves two of my top three reasons not to run. Reason #2 – My only sneakers are 3 year old sneakers from the children’s section at DSW. And #1? If I run, people might SEE ME DOING IT. At this point, I would rather not exercise than be seen exercising. Now, buying shoes is a simple matter. The being seen thing, though? I either need to figure out a way to become invisible or find a way to convince myself that it’s not such a big deal. Any help on either invisibility or rationality welcome.
McDonald’s has Shrek glasses. I’ve collected three in two days. Why we didn’t just buy them all in one trip, I don’t know, but I will complete my collection this evening, on a trip for $1 sundaes. If you are ever stumped as to what to buy me for my birthday, an entire set of whatever glassware your local fast food restaurant is selling would be a good bet. If you hate me and want to indicate that you hate me in the most efficient way possible, send me an incomplete set of glassware from your local fast food restaurant, and send it to me right after they stop running the promotion. My life will basically be ruined. Now, today, after I finish my Shrek glass collection with the Fiona glass (I don’t even like Shrek, y’all. I mean, I don’t DISLIKE Shrek, but I have no particular Shrek affinity. I just like fast food restaurant glassware.), I have a decision to make. Should I collect a second set? Our local McDonald’s has all four glasses available now. What if I start to collect set two and they run out of one kind? Or I start the second set and we just don’t end up going for $1 sundaes enough to complete it before the promotion stops? You guys, it’s really stressful to be me.
On the wedding front, the ladies are ordering their bridesmaids dresses this week-ish. That’s nice. Yesterday, my cousin and sister were at the bridal salon to get measured and place an order, and the shop called me to confirm that it was okay with me that they buy those dresses. Like they were both about to get measured, order a dress and throw down a lump of cash with ill intent. The bridal salon lady was not especially amused when she asked me what color they were supposed to be and my response was, “Uh… ask them? I’m not actually sure. Whatever. I’m not involved.” I’m looking into invitations now, but haven’t actually done anything about them. I don’t even actually know what time of day my wedding is. That’s been pretty much the theme of wedding planning so far – I haven’t done anything. Sure, some of the major things are done – date, place, DJ, photographer, my dress, bridesmaid dresses. Other things, though – I look for ideas and have thoughts a lot, but I haven’t actually done anything. If you have a favorite etsy person or other reasonably priced graphic designer that I can check out for potential invitation creation, I would enjoy that.
You know what I haven’t done in a long time? Read a whole book. I don’t see how that can be. I am exactly the type of person who should be reading books. I work at home on my own schedule. I don’t have children. I don’t have many (er, any) social obligations. I joined the Book Lushes and I got stuck on The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. It’s sitting on my nightstand, half-read. Same with a whole TON of other books jamming our closets in the boxes we’re pretending we don’t notice so we can proclaim that we’re completely unpacked. I don’t know what is going on. I took a butt ton of books out of the library and didn’t read any of them. Not even the cookbook. Do I need to enforce Silent Reading time, seventh grade style? Maybe I just need a better book. And by “better,” I don’t mean better in any kind of real sense. I mean better like, more likely to grab my low brow, fickle, flighty reading tastes. Maybe it’s time to admit that I have no desire to be enriched by my reading material and return to shameless entertainment of the bodice ripper variety.
So. Summer time. It’s basically here, right? I don’t have any summer plans. I don’t really do vacations. Sometimes people find that weird. I don’t like to travel. I actually kind of resent the notion that everyone must want to travel, or there’s something terribly wrong with them. I’m pretty sure a lot of people claim to love travel or have added “see the world” to their life list (do I have to clear my use of that term with anyone?), but are really more like me – content to stay at home. I can think of three types of travel I do/would like. Casinos, cruises and resorts. You don’t have to go anywhere. It’s all right there. I can go for that. I have no desire to go places. We’ll end up overseas at some point, and that will be fine, but it will be where I live.
Speaking of travel? I think a lot of the reason I’m not interested is because of how superior people get about it. You know. “Oh… you went to France and saw the Eiffel Tower? How… cute. I mean, when I was in France, I stayed in hostels and spent the whole day wandering the streets, ducking into little cafes where only the locals go.” You know. Those people who think they somehow had a more authentic experience because they wandered into the path of people trying to live their every day lives and annoyed the fuck out of the people who actually live there. It’s those same people who automatically place restaurants they refer to as “a hole in the wall” or “mom and pop” place above anything well known. Those people who believe that the more well known a location, restaurant or experience is, and the more people who have enjoyed it, the less real it becomes. If you’re one of those people? You’re really, seriously and truly annoying. And probably smug. Sometimes those places have shitty food and THAT’S WHY no one else goes there, ok?
I’ve decided I want to learn to take better pictures, and that decision has actually caused me to not pick up my camera much any more at all. I haven’t taken a single snap of Phil’s thumbs in a week. The thing is, though, I’m not interested in learning how to take those super extreme close ups of leafs and shit. And the world has enough people taking pictures of flowers. It’s not technical stuff I want to learn how to do, I can make my pictures look more technically pretty with editing. I just want to learn how to take a picture that is… what’s the words, where the picture doesn’t suck because it’s not all cluttered with random stuff and it’s a nice angle and all the right things are in the picture and nothing that shouldn’t be in the picture is in the picture and, ok, let’s admit it, my dogs fit nicely in the frame without too much or too little space around them, with an appropriate background? I don’t know what that’s called, but I’m pretty sure you have to be born knowing how to do it.
Anyway, that’s pretty much what I’ve got going on. I had more to say about stuff like the AZ immigration law, fat acceptance, Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and, I don’t know, circumcision, but I’ll save those for another day.
OH ONE MORE THING? You may have noticed a commenter here who uses the name, Phil’s Best Friend and it is pretty much always hilarious. Anyway, that guy? He just got back from Iraq, after having to spend more time there than he was originally intended to AND being delayed by a volcano. So, you know. Hooray!
Posted in Brinkley + Sheldon, daily BS, Somebody's getting maawwweeed | 33 Comments »
Monday, May 17th, 2010
Internet, I’m not big on being different for the sake of being different. I find hipsters nearly intolerable. I find the idea that some people actually believe they lead a more “authentic” life than other people to be eye-rollingly gag worthy. It’s extremely aggravating that so many wedding sites these days default to the super self-aware, aren’t we adorable “indie” style weddings, with everything being letterpress and hand crafted and the guy wearing a weird suit with some kind of super nerdy tie that they chose because, haha, no, seriously, we’re really like this, we didn’t choose this super nerdy tie as a calculated move to show how unique and original we are, and the women act like wearing a traditional wedding gown is totally beneath them and they get married under a tree and have an iPod for a DJ because they’re totally laid back and super cool and none of the bridesmaids wear anything that matches because wouldn’t that be BRIDEZILLA-ISH, to demand your bridesmaids wear matching outfits and everything is so self-congratulatory. You know what I mean?
I mean, if that’s your thing, fine. But there are very few people for whom that is their actual thing, and those people got married a long time ago. The super indie wedding is no more super or indie than the standard wedding now, in my opinion, so I’m kind of over all the highfalutin malarkey being presented as so adorable an innovative, especially since it so often comes with an attitude of superiority and oh, aren’t we so evolved and above tradition? I think you can personalize your wedding and put unique touches on the day without being so… contrived.
Whatever. I have a wedding dress, and we’re getting married in a hotel with a normal ceremony and normal cocktail hour and normal dinner and a DJ and a CAKE instead of cupcakes and I am doing my best not to handcraft a god-diggity-damned thing, and we’re going to exchange rings that came straight out of a jewelry case, not hand-woven by artisan alps children out of yak hair or whatever. The bridesmaids picked matching dresses and they like them. There will be an open bar and music and even if people don’t say “wow, that was the most unique wedding I have ever been to,” they will at least be able to say that they had a good time and that we were married at the end of it.
So now that I have realized that the time has come to actually plan a wedding, I’ve got to start, you know, planning a wedding. And even though we are having a pretty standard wedding, there are some traditional wedding elements that we are deciding whether or not we are going to include at all. Mostly just for the sake of things being easier, or less embarrassing or what have you. However, I know that when I go to a wedding, there are certain things I look forward to, and I might be bummed if they didn’t happen. Other things, I might not notice at all. Some things Phil and I really do not want to do, while other things are more of a “meh, whatever,” kind of thing.
Example: The first dance. Neither of us can dance, we can’t seem to agree on a song, and remember when that DJ had a heart attack that we might not do a first dance? The DJ doesn’t really have anything to do with anything, I just wanted to remind you guys about him. Wasn’t he a total d-bag? I’m not naming any names, but if you’re planning a wedding in Scranton, PA and looking for a DJ, you might want to avoid any company that’s name rhymes with Shmelectric Shmity Shmentertainment.
Phil and I are not especially keen on the whole first dance idea, but we’ll probably end up doing it because it’s expected.
But then, the Dollar Dance is also very common in the area of the wedding and there is just no way in hell. There’s just… no. No way. No. Ahh… no. Not happening. There’s not a chance. There’s nothing that could be said or done to convince me to do it. I don’t care how traditional it is there, it’s just not happening. For any reason. At all. Just, no.
But then there’s stuff we’re up in the air on. Ceremony programs, bouquet toss, speeches, toasts, garter toss, reception entrance, receiving line vs. table visits, a card box, anniversary dance, and all kinds of other stuff that people always do or sometimes do or never do. We’re set on some of them – we won’t be doing a “first look” for example (that’s when the bride and groom see each other, alone, before the ceremony, for pictures and a moment together) – but up in the air on others – like the bouquet toss (personally, I don’t participate in them, but I know others do).
I’m hoping, Internet, that I won’t get the same kind of responses from you that someone planning a wedding normally gets. That would be, “It’s your wedding! Do whatever you want! Who cares what other people think!” If you’ve planned a wedding, you know that’s kind of an unrealistic attitude. Of course, nothing is going to happen that Phil and I are adamant about not happening – the Dollar Dance, for example – but we’re not the only people to consider. We’re not the only people for whom the wedding is important. We’re not even the only people paying for it. The “do what you want!” response is frustrating, because it’s just not a realistic answer.
So what I want to know is, Internet, what do you look forward to seeing or doing at a wedding? What kinds of stuff would you miss if it didn’t happen? What do you tend to remember from a wedding after it’s over – food, decor, other things? What sticks with you from weddings you have been to, good or bad? What have you seen done at a wedding that you would never do or recommend anyone else do in a million years? And, just because I’m still only having wedding nightmares twice a week, leaving five nights open for terror, tell me any wedding horror stories you have heard on top of that.
Posted in Somebody's getting maawwweeed | 107 Comments »
Tuesday, May 4th, 2010
Dear anyone who may be sending out Save the Dates at any time in the near future:
If you have to send more than, oh, six, just stick to “Looking forward to seeing you!” on each one.
Or? Better yet? Don’t write anything at all.
Phil, wiser than I, stuck to one consistent message across each Save the Date I asked him to write:
Looking back, I should have let Phil write his first and followed his example as his simple, understated message would have appealed nicely to just about my entire family.
But no. No, not me. I had to write an individual message on the back of each Save the Date. Sure, it was fun for the first four or five. But then you’re committed. You have to write something at least a little bit personalized on each one. You try to convince yourself to start half assing it when you’re already in too deep.
So, you start off easy. Point out to one friend of the family that you hid a special joke for the on the wedding website. Tell another friend that it is totally up to him whether or not he wants to bring his kids. About 30 minutes in, it all starts going down hill. Soon, you’re not even talking about the wedding any more, you’re talking about dog smuggling.
Your handwriting is starting to go by this point, too, but you don’t even notice, as the cheese is really starting to slip off your cracker and you write a threatening note to your sister.
A small break from any connection to reality happens, in which you end up having an entire conversation with yourself on the back of the Save the Date you’re sending to a cousin and his girlfriend who you have not yet met, thus making an absolutely fabulous first impression. Then maybe you come back to Earth.
Back to Earth and Thursday night television, that is.
Trust me. By the time you’re writing the 40th or 50th or 60th personalized note, you, too will have totally given up.
So, a note to those who may come after me, from someone who has been there – “Looking forward to seeing you!” is more than acceptable.
Stuffing a post card in an envelope with no further comment from yourself is also acceptable.
Skipping Save the Dates all together may also be a completely viable plan.
At this point, writing “10-23-10″ on rocks and pitching them through windows would have been a less exhausting use of time.
Explaining to friends and relatives why you wrote “ass,” various threats, ridiculously unrelated tangents, invitations to gambling and other debauchery, and precise instructions on how NOT OPTIONAL pants are on the back of a post card and dropped it in the mail is definitely one way to go, though. At least everyone knows when the wedding is. Although I’m pretty sure I offended some of them out of coming. Whatever. More cake for me and Marley.
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Monday, April 26th, 2010
So, Internet, since we have just recently passed the 6-months-til-my-wedding-ok-ok-fine-OUR-wedding mark, I thought I would give you a little update on where everything stood.
First? I chose bridesmaids’ dresses!
Nice, huh?
WELL, RESERVE YOUR HOORAYS, INTERNET. RESERVE YOUR HOORAYS.
Despite David’s Bridal claiming that this is one of their most popular dresses, it does not come in extra length and they won’t do fuck all, pardon my french, to help a bridesmaid who is over 5’10. You’d think they would have mentioned that, the day my sister, mom and I picked them out. “By the way,” they could have said, “if any of your bridesmaids are somewhat taller than average, SCREW YOU. WE DON’T HANDLE TALLIES HERE AT DAVID’S BRIDAL. It’s a lovely choice of dress for normal people!”
Basically, to sum up, up yours David’s Bridal.
When we had chosen the dress, we had figured on the wedding colors being red and platinum. When we found out we could NOT use that dress, I decided I didn’t care about the color. Three of my bridesmaids are in PA and the other is quite flexible, so the three went together to find a dress, under instructions from me to JUST PICK ONE and then, once they had picked one, PICK A COLOR THAT ISN’T YELLOW. I didn’t care to make the decision again. They could pick the dress, they could pick the color, and I would work everything else around THAT.
Well, they picked TWO dresses and tossed it back to me to decide. Awesome. Damn women didn’t even pick a color for me.
So, there’s these two different dresses.
We’ve got this one:
Which is just lovely.
And also? There is this one as well:
Also quite lovely.
So I’ve got these two dresses, and I’m assured by everyone that they love them both. They really do. And it’s totally up to me. Because it’s my wedding. And I should decide these things. I think that’s pretty nice of them. I don’t want to be one of those “IT’S MY DAY AND YOU WILL WEAR WHAT I SAY” brides. In fact, the whole “Bridezilla” phenomenon has been so publicized on TV that it gets to a point where most other brides I’ve talked to end up feeling terrified to even really voice an opinion – so many people throw around that Bridezilla label for anything and everything, including a NORMAL bride simply expressing what she wants for her wedding. For a normal person, there is nothing wrong with wanting what you want for your wedding, just for the record.
But OH MY GOD, the world – my mother most specifically – is HELLBOUND AND DETERMINED to wring the “It’s MY GODDAMNED WEDDING” words out of my mouth as often as possible. Example? The dresses.
There’s two of them and I have been told it’s my choice. They narrowed an entire store down to two dresses and left it to me to choose. So, I casually mentioned which dress I favored on the phone to my mother the other day and she responded, “Well… you only like that one because you saw a picture of it on your sister.”
AND MY EYEBALLS EXPLODED OUT OF MY HEAD.
This has happened a lot. A LOT. With the dress, the venue, the save the dates, the bridesmaids dresses, everything. It’s all TOTALLY MY CHOICE – as long as I pick the choice that someone WANTS me to pick. I said as much to my mother, and she laughed, but reiterated that the dress I chose wouldn’t be as flattering to one of the bridesmaids as it would to the other three. Not UNflattering, just not as perfect. So, of course, my eventual, frustrated response is, “IT’S MY WEDDING FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.”
I don’t WANT to be a total wench, but I feel like I’m being forced into that role over and over and over. Whether they will admit it or not, everyone – my mom, the bridesmaids, me, Phil – everyone – has an image in their mind of how they picture this wedding going. All the decisions are in my hands, but everyone attempts to exert a little bit of shaping force, to mold the whole ordeal here and there, because everyone – all with my best interests in mind, of course – wants the wedding to match up with the picture they have in their mind. This manifests itself in small ways – making a weird expression when I pick up something to look at it or linger on a picture in a magazine for a while, offering a second or third option to my suggestions. Or in bigger ways – flat out saying “no” to my suggestions. All of these things combined force me into the position of choosing between just conceding so as not to appear like a wench, or putting my foot down and being regarded as an unreasonable “Bridezilla.”
Personally, I think that I am being pretty reasonable. I’m in Arizona and the wedding is in Pennsylvania. I picked my own dress, I mostly picked the location (ok, my choice got changed later on, but I’m happy with the new place), but other than those things, I am leaving a lot up to other people. The cake, the flowers, the general decor, the menu – all of those things are going to have to be handled by someone local. I would think, if I was truly a Bridezilla, I would have trouble letting go of that control. Yet over and over again, I am forced into being a HUGE BITCH.
Like this, for example:
“Hey, can you please check if the venue will do this certain thing for dinner when you talk to them about the menu? I’m interested in doing that.”
“Nah.”
“What do you mean, ‘nah?’”
“Nah.”
“Um… I really want to see if they’ll do that.”
“Well, you asked for my opinion.”
“No, I didn’t. I asked you to check if the venue will do it. If they will, I want it.”
“Fine.”
(Spoiler alert: No one is going to check with the venue to see if they’ll do that thing unless I do it myself.)
No one is trying to take over and no one wants to see me have a wedding I’m not 100% happy with. It’s just that a lot of people are emotionally (and financially) invested in this whole thing to varying extents, and everyone has some idea of what I will be 100% happy with.
It is really tiring to hear “It’s your wedding, do whatever you want,” in the same breath was “but I don’t really like what you want to do.”
And I know, I know – you’ve got my back, Internet. You say it IS my wedding and I SHOULD do whatever I want. But you need to be realistic, you know? You wouldn’t be totally comfortable going against every single thing everyone else said in the name of having WHAT YOU WANT AT ALL COSTS! I want other people, especially those involved with the planning, to enjoy the whole thing as well.
Anyway, did I tell you I picked a Save the Date? I did, right? It looks like this:
I like them, though it was another uncomfortable moment – when I sent it around to a few key people for opinions, there was one particularly key person who said they just didn’t care for the background color of the picture. And I had to say in response, “Well… I am going to use it anyway. Sorry.” That’s AWKWARD, y’all. It’s just AWKWARD.
There’s a ton more stuff to do, and a lot of it I want to do myself. Mostly detail stuff. I have a DJ and a photographer and Phil’s Uncle Bob has offered to play classical guitar for the ceremony, which is all kinds of awesome. I have a dress, and I’m close to landing on a bridesmaid dress and color. But there’s all kinds of stuff I’ve been putting off with the idea that I have plenty of time, but we got to the six month mark REALLY fast. I can only imagine it’s going to go a lot faster from there. And there are still 800 things to do. So, basically, as you have probably realized by now, this whole post has been warming you up for getting to work for me.
There’s a couple aspects of the whole wedding… thing… that I just don’t feel equipped to handle. Reception decor and… TJ decor.
First, reception decor. I’ve got to come up with some kind of centerpiece, and how the tables should look. And any other… receptiony touches. However, my mind just does NOT work like that. I browse all kinds of wedding websites and see some great ideas, but none of them seem quite… me… or within my price range. I know that I prefer candles to flowers. And that’s it. From “candles are better than flowers,” I have to figure out centerpieces, tableclothes/overlays, escort cards, cake table decor, sweetheart or headtable decor and, you know, all of that other stuff.You did mention that you wanted to try your hand at wedding planning, right, Internet?
Secondly, TJ decor. You know – hair and make up, hair-sticker-inner things, a veil, should I get a crinnoline to go under my dress? Shoes and jewlery? Can you help me? The sooner I figure out how I want to accessorize, the sooner I’ll be able to start collecting things at reasonable prices, but I have ZERO IDEA how you accessorize a wedding dress – especially my wedding dress.
You can click on this picture if you need a reminder of what my dress looks like:
Don’t think of me as a girl who desperately needs to get her eyebrows done and is really stick of all this hair (hey! “grow out hair for wedding” – CHECK! I’m on a ROLL). Instead, think of me as a girl who will RIP YOUR FACE OFF if you are Phil and you click on that picture.
You did say you always wanted to be a wedding planner/fashion consultant, right, Internet?
Basically, aside from the fact that I don’t know how to pick out jewelery to save my life, or even know where to begin to look for appropriate wedding jewelry, I am having trouble visualizing anything other than the standard hotel wedding reception. You know, 3 votives on the table with scattered fake rose petals and everything looks like Laura Ashley threw up all over after she ate a gigantic tulle sandwich. I am completely and totally lost on how to make this wedding actually suit my style (of which I have none). Six months feels like a really long time to get it all figured out, but I have a feeling it is REALLY NOT. I read all kinds of sites and follow the progress of tons of other brides, and EVERYONE totally has their shit together except for me.
Oh my goodness. Favors? Shit, y’all, what kind of bouquet goes with my dress?
Posted in Somebody's getting maawwweeed | 46 Comments »
Saturday, April 24th, 2010
He works on Save the Dates with me without a single complaint.
Even though I did only ask him to do four of them.
And even though three of those four looked like this:
Posted in Somebody's getting maawwweeed, The Guy | 8 Comments »
