Archive for the ‘Somebody’s getting maawwweeed’ Category
Monday, August 16th, 2010
I licked them all myself.
I know you’re going to suggest a dampened sponge, and I’m not going to kill you for that, because how would you even begin to suspect that I have issues with paper that extend to and completely and totally include touching paper with any kind of other object, rubbing paper, or, most especially, damp paper? In short, sponge + paper would most certainly lead to my untimely death, which would be ironic, because I would probably be attempting to avoid a wedding invitation envelope-related untimely death, a la Susan from Seinfeld.
ANYway. Done and done.
Posted in Somebody's getting maawwweeed | 7 Comments »
Thursday, August 5th, 2010
Hello, Internet!
I have come back from Pennsylvania!
I do hope you’ll excuse me for neglecting you yesterday.
I was in Newark.
And I thought of something to add to that list up there:
Ways a 4 hour layover in Newark could suck more: sit on your butt for the entire four hour layover and then sit on your butt for another hour and a half on the tarmac and then sit on your butt for a five hour flight and then sit on your butt while they take the most scenic route possible to the gate and then sit on your butt while the world’s most inefficient packers wrestle their carry on bags to the ground because you’ve been sitting on your butt way in the back of the plane.
Basically, I still can’t feel my butt.
But now I’m home! And I’ve lured you in with copius use of the word “butt,” which, come on, is a funny word.
So now that I’ve got you, let’s get to work.
Do you see this crappy picture of a picture of a cake? That’s the cake I ordered. In real life, the picture of the cake does not look at all crappy. I mean, what the hell do you take me for, right? So that is what my cake will look like, except my mother requested a red ribbon, and also, it won’t have an “M” on it, because there are no Ms in our names anywhere at all.
So I ordered it from Minooka Pastry Shop, and I didn’t try it at the time, because I am one zillion percent confident in the quality of the cake. The bottom layer is chocolate with raspberry filling and the middle layer is white cake with vanilla mousse filling, and the top repeats the bottom.
At least, that’s how it was going to be. My mother ordered a cake from the same place for my bridal shower, so I did end up getting to try it the next day. She ordered half white, half chocolate, with all raspberry jelly-ish filling. The cake itself was fantastic. I am very happy with my choices of white and chocolate cakes. They were perfect. However, I didn’t care for the raspberry filling. It wasn’t bad at all. I just didn’t really like it.
No big deal, though, I will just call and change the order and it shouldn’t be an issue. But I’m not sure what to change it TO. That is the issue. I am thinking maybe chocolate cake with vanilla mousse and white cake with chocolate mousse, maybe? What do you guys think?
I’m sticking with the chocolate and white cakes, but fillings are up in the air. Here are the ones that sound good to me: chocolate mousse, vanilla mousse, strawberry, Bavarian cream, coconut, raspberry mousse (different from the jelly), peanut butter mousse and lemon.
So, how would you create a wedding cake? I’m thinking that the simple chocolate & vanilla mousse fillings would be generally liked, but there are so many other options to consider, including some I didn’t even list because I didn’t want you to consider them.
Anyway, talking about cake and doing some critical cake thinking probably got your decision engines all revved up, huh? Let’s not let all that energy go to waste!
These were my maternal grandmother’s earrings.
My cousin gave them to me, to use in the wedding or not use in the wedding, however I choose. Of course, it would be nice to include them somehow, but they won’t work as my own earrings because… well, we’re all looking at them, right? I was thinking about maybe shoe clips, but I’d be very afraid of losing them, and plus, they’re clip-ons with the clip coming in from the side instead of the bottom. I don’t think that would work. I also considered bouquet clips, but again, would I have to worry about losing them?
What would you do with some very old, very sentimental clip-on earrings, Internet? Maybe the best thing to do would be to not include them at all, but still, I would like to.
I need to take a break here for a second, because I just looked in the mirror, and I have to tell you something. I actually bought myself a present on this trip, something I never do, and I immediately felt guilty about it. No matter, because I kept it anyway.
So I bought myself this LORAC eye shadow palette at Sephora, even though I tend to stick to the drugstore brands of make up. Now, you have to understand that I spent all day yesterday traveling and a lot of time in Newark and ok, yes, I fell into bed last night without washing my face, but come ON, consider the CIRCUMSTANCES, but what I am getting to is that my eye make up is all still there. Right where I left it when I put it on my face yesterday morning in Pennsylvania. Now, here I am in Arizona, and my eyeshadow is still lovely.
That’s pretty much all I have to say about that. Even if you don’t buy this palette, I think you definitely want a little tube of that primer that comes with it. The brush is also pretty great. And I think the palette itself is kind of a perfect range of colors for day/night. And it’s purple crocodile. Yeah, you basically should buy it.
I don’t get any money or anything for telling you that. In fact, since I bought the palette myself, thus owned it before trying it and giving you my approval, I am actually negative money in this situation. That is how much I care about you and your ability to secure yourself superior eye shadow products, Internet.
Anyway, what were we talking about?
Oh, right! Earrings! Here’s a headband!
Isn’t it fantastic? I had tried it on with the dress when I was first looking at dresses, and my mom went back and bought it for me as a surprise. Since I have dark hair, it really stands out.
It is super flashy.
So we’ve been on a hunt to find earrings to match. Since the top of my dress has some pretty beading and I can’t stand to wear most bracelets, earrings will be my only jewelry other than this fancy head bit I’m going to have going on. We have found exactly ONE PAIR of earrings that are okay so far. Finding something to match exactly is pretty unlikely, but we can’t really even seem to find something we like. My lack of desire to spend one skrillion dollars on earrings hinders the search a bit, but who knew it would be so hard?
You know, since you’ve already got your minds engaged from the cake thing and the clip-on earrings thing, I’m sure you wouldn’t mind thinking about if you’ve ever seen any earrings or know of any places to look for earrings that might suit my needs, right? I mean, isn’t this what the Internet was made for? The eventually foisting-off of the planning of my wedding?
Internet, I was also going to ask you to help me look for shoes, but I really feel like you’ve done enough for today. Give yourselves a big pat on the back for a job (that I am assuming will be) well done. Your input is valuable and, as always, your contributions to this company are greatly appreciated.
Greatly appreciated.
PS – One last thing!
How adorable are these!
Posted in Somebody's getting maawwweeed | 46 Comments »
Monday, August 2nd, 2010
I’m still in Pennsylvania and my shower was absolutely lovely, all of my lady relatives were there and my sister put together such a nice event and the food was good and the service was good and the games were fun and not embarrassing for anyone and people won prizes and I am so, so, so spoiled with presents, especially things shaped like animals: elephant measuring cups, shark bottle opener, whale ice cream spade, woodpecker kitchen shears, monkey peeler, A PIRANHA PIZZA CUTTER. I was so excited about everything, my mom told me one of her cousins thrilled and blown away by how I reacted to receiving a box of Corningware.
People seem to forget how exciting something like Corningware is when you own 2 Pyrex dishes and a single serving/mixing/potential sickness bowl. Corningware is a big deal. I am over the moon for Corningware. 13 piece Corningware, you guys. I about lost my mind. I was all, YOU GUYS, YOU GUYS, RAMEKINS! and they were all, “Yeah, uh, we’re familiar with Corningware, you rube, open something else.”
Whatever. So I’m still in Pennsylvania and a lot is happening, but I so rarely talk about my family on here that it seems awkward and strange to remind you that I wasn’t hatched from an egg, fully grown, two weeks before you personally started reading this blog, but do indeed have parents and a sister and brother, so let’s do what I always do when I don’t know what to say or, actually, all the time, and steer the conversation towards my dogs.
Phil has been sending me pictures of my dogs. I find this one to be particularly illustrative.
I would say that this is what my kitchen ends up looking like when I go away for a week, but it’s pretty much the same as when I’m in the house, ignoring it for a week. Or two.
Notice several things about this picture:
1. Isn’t Brinkley enormous? Also, Sheldon doesn’t look it in this picture, but he is slowly passing Brinkley, height-wise, when he’s not having another jowl growth spurt.
2. Note the Dyson just sitting in the middle of the kitchen. I would say that it’s normally put away, but it is SO NEVER put away that I actually don’t have a spot for it in the house. I mean, since we moved in back in March, I never chose a spot for it because I never had a chance to put it away. This conversation happened over the phone:
“So, apparently, you have to vacuum the floor every day. There is dog hair EVERYWHERE. Every day!”
“I know. I told you that a vacuum every day. I actually was telling someone that I was probably going to come home to a sea of dog hair because you wouldn’t do it like I do every single day. Didn’t you believe me?”
“Well, I’m just saying that apparently it’s true. I guess you do run the vacuum every day.”
“Uh, what do you think I do all day? Sit around doing nothing and then make up lies about vacuuming when you come home?”
“I’m just saying, whether I believed that you vacuum every day isn’t the issue. It’s just confirmed that you do.”
“Asshole.”
3. Do you like how dirty my floors are? Did you know that dogs don’t wipe their feet when they come inside? And that Arizona backyards are usually some percentage grass and an almost equal percentage dusty dirt?
And did you know that water in Arizona does not come out of the taps cool, and does not get cold, since no one has a water COLDER on their house, only water heaters? Did you know that in order for your dogs to have cool water to drink, you need to fill the dog fountain with ice cubes?
Did you know that Newfoundlands think it’s their job to bob for any item you put in water? Did you know that Newfoundlands don’t give a shit and a half about the fact that they have a harder time controlling drool than a novocained 16 month old with a zwieback cracker?
If you knew all that, why the fuck are you judging me about my dirty floors?
4. Please don’t call Animal Control on us. I SWEAR TO GOD, we feed Sheldon. We feed him as much dry food as is reasonable, plus a little bit of wet large breed puppy food (strictly controlled protein, as feeding large breed puppies too much puppy food (with higher protein) grows their bones too fast and opens them to huge risk for cancer & joint disorders) at every meal. And snacks! He gets left over plain veggies and fruit and also cottage cheese. And organic wheat- and corn-free dog treats, because he has a delicate constitution.
I know he looks thin. We feed him PLENTY. I promise. We have been told he will stop looking so neglected in his second year, and that this year is all about growing taller. And growing jowls. We take him to the dog park and he drinks water like we’ve never let him near it in his life, and then I put up a picture and you can practically see his hip bones. Don’t report us. Take a look at that majestic golden beast on the left, who is very obviously not missing any meals.
OH ALSO? My invitations came in the mail while I was gone! I am very excited to get home. To my invitations. And my dogs. And also Phil.
Posted in Brinkley + Sheldon, Somebody's getting maawwweeed | 28 Comments »
Friday, July 30th, 2010
Internet, let me tell you about where I’ve been, in picture form, because the jet lag has me by the neck and is shaking me quite viciously, so I am not really in any mood or condition to be using my words.
Haha, fooled you! Even though there are going to be pictures, and even though I’m only 50 words in, I can tell you that you’re probably in for another 2000 words of unnecessary-ness, just like always. If you have to go potty, go now!
As usual, my trip started out AWESOME!
Remember the picture I posted of all of my belongings laid out on the coffee table? Phil packed them for me, including the laptop, into my checked bag. Which weighed 50.0 lbs. I think I had better use a lot of shampoo while I’m here, just to be safe.
Anyway, normally I carry the laptop in a backpack, along with my purse and oh, also a rolling carry on, because while some people are bingers and purgers and some people are cutters and some people jump from destructive relationship to destructive relationship, I like to express self-hatred by making myself as miserable and stressed out in airports as possible.
This time, though, I brought only a purse and a canvas bag full of library books. Now, I know that checking the laptop is not THE most brilliant thing I’ve ever done, but you guys, it was the most brilliant thing I’ve ever done. I was through security in under 2 minutes, my 6 trips to the bathroom were nearly unfettered, and I didn’t spend my entire pre-plane time clutching the straps of various bags to ward off roving bands of airport thieves.
While I was sitting and waiting to get on my flight, a guy walked by dragging a suitcase and carrying three bags of Wendy’s food. Interesting. He was followed by a man in a black polo who chose to accessorize his belt that day with a pair of handcuffs and a holstered handgun. Following them were two men, each holding a Wendy’s soda with two hands, and also, each was carrying a small white towel, laid over their hands. They were followed by yet another stern looking man, and they all went right to the counter at the gate and stood there, very close together.
You guys, you would be so impressed by how quickly I put together these totally random and minuscule and complicated details into one cohesive picture. I watch Monk, you know? I was basically Monk. I was all, “Hm, one very skinny man carrying TOO MUCH FOOD and two able-bodied gentlemen using two hands to carry a single soda each and also, a towel?” It was like, lightning fast in real life, you guys.
Anyway, when I got to the airport and printed out my boarding pass, the seat assignment was different than the toilet-seat I thought I had at home. When they loaded these gentlemen into the plane first, to take that back row of seats, it made sense. I got a free upgrade to an exit row so that the real, honest to goodness, handcuffs-covered-with-a-towel prisoners wouldn’t have to be separated from their gun-toting pals. Maybe it was their first time flying or something.
Thanks for the legroom, prison friends!
To top off my free exit row seat? There was no one in the middle seat. Just me, empty seat, and an off duty flight attendant against the window – an off duty flight attendant who DIDN’T SAY ANY WORDS TO ME THE WHOLE FLIGHT.
You guys, everything was coming up TJ.
Except, except, and of course there is an “except,” the guy in the middle seat in the row in front of me kept getting out to let his wife or their other seat mate in or out. And a couple of times, he would look into my row and comment about how much extra space I had, in a kind of expectant way. Like I was some kind of space-having jerk, and his gentle prodding would make me realize that and I’d let him have my seat. At one point, the lady sitting with me got up for a while, and the dude kept asking if there was anyone sitting there, between us, so that he could leave his cramped middle seat and come ruin our extra legroom, empty middle seat paradise. Oh, hell no. I had to give up a seat next to the toilet for this!
After a while, he just stayed standing for a long time, but not in the aisle. Since I had so much room, he just half-stood IN MY SEAT area for a good ten minutes or so. And then? And then? He look at me at one point and goes, “I’m practically in your lap!,” and RUBS MY BACK WITH ONE OF HIS HANDS.
I think my flinching away offended him, because then he told me that exit row seats have a huge drawback and it was that I had to lean forward to play mahjong on the touch screen monitor in front of me. No, sir, the drawback is that PLANE STRANGERS think that the concept of personal space extends to blocking half of my mahjong game with their butt and touching me with their PLANE STRANGER HANDS.
I also watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding.
Anyway, then I got to Newark.
I had a bit of a hard time finding my gate in Newark, because when I looked for it by following the arrows, I ended up in a weird basement that smelled like pee. I obviously assumed it was some kind of storage area, possibly the dwelling of the Phantom of the Airport, because of the way a random podium was shoved off into a hallway with an emergency exit and a broken pay phone.
Except no, that was my gate.
I didn’t care for Newark.
I went to my sister’s for a while, and by the time I got home, it was pretty late. After rolling out of bed the next day, I set out to fulfill my destiny as basically the king of getting married.
Of course, no one would expect me to proceed without fuel.
After a quick stop at Pappa’s to fulfill what was surely my cheese steak destiny, my brother – the only groomsman within reach – took me over to Sarno & Sons, where I basically kicked ass at picking out tuxes.
Actually, to be honest, which I am only going to do for this paragraph, our experience at Sarno & Sons was the best experience I have had with planning so far. The salesguy, Zach, realized that I basically had zero ideas and preferences and put together exactly what I wasn’t exactly sure I was looking for. I was making wedding decisions left and right with his help.
Ok, two decision, but they were multi-part decisions and also, two decisions is totally enough to satisfy the “left” and “right” portions of “making decisions left and right.
Non-grooms.
Grooms.
I knocked that out so fast that I decided to allow myself the night off from being the king of getting married, and went home to get ready to go out with my mom, sister and lady cousins.
After the bar, I went with my sister to her old apartment so that she could complete some moving tasks. It was so hot that she decided it was completely appropriate to pack and clean in her bra and underwear, but I don’t have a picture of that. Actually, I do, because outside the bar, she mooned me, and then tried to tell our mother that she was wearing shorts under her dress. She was most certainly not, and I needed the photo evidence for later tattling.
I do have this picture of my brother, though!
“What are you doing?”
“What does it look like?”
“It LOOKS like you don’t know how a couch works.”
Since my brother is home from college for the summer, my mom likes to keep the house stocked with his favorite snacks. That would be convenient for me, as well, if my brother was at all normal. Which he is not.
He did offer to share some of his raw rutabaga with me, though.
Yesterday, my mother and I went to visit a florist, a project I have been dreading because I have little to no interest in flowers and the last woman we visited was extremely obnoxious. However, in my new role as the king of getting married, it ended up going incredibly smoothly. Not only was the shop owner polite and the prices reasonable, they are also able to fulfil my mother’s dreams of wrapping shit in tulle, and hanging a draping canopy above the dance floor. And they’ll provide an aisle runner and a card box. Recognizing that a polite woman well within my price range is what we in the kings of getting married business like to call, “Good enough,” we dropped a deposit and took off for our next appointment.
Our next appointment, unfortunately, was to try on my dress, which I was reasonably certain was no longer going to fit. We needed to check to see if it would need to be let out, (or if I should maybe “let myself in” a little, but I’m very busy being the king of things, so that was unlikely), and what kind of undergarments I would need to wear.
Both questions were answered quickly.
It did fit and NOT THIS SLIP.
This picture depicts the scene of me less than halfway through digging out my own legs.
You guys, I have picked the groomsmens tuxes, Phil’s tux, my dad’s tux. I got my brother fitted for his tux. I picked a florist and made the deposit. I found out I am not going to have to schedule a nervous breakdown or “totally intend” to lose some weight to fit into my dress, and confirmed the fact that the bra to solve the giant boobs/wedding dress conundrum has yet to be invented.
Today, we’re going to meet with our venue coordinator to check out the guest and sweetheart table layouts for the reception, and go over all the details one last time. Saturday, I’m going to meet my mom’s hairstylist, going to pick out a cake, and then going to meet my sister’s hairstylist (to figure out which stylist is willing to override my mother’s bang-related wishes for my wedding hair), followed by hunting down some wedding shoes and wedding jewelry.
Sunday, I am going to my bridal shower, where I assume my throne will have been delivered because I am SO TOTALLY THE KING OF GETTING MARRIED.
Phil sent me this picture.
Even kings of things miss their dogs.
And their Phils.
Posted in Brinkley + Sheldon, daily BS, sibling hilarity, Somebody's getting maawwweeed | 8 Comments »
Tuesday, July 27th, 2010
I’m pretty much just about totally ready, except for the fact that I just now got out of the shower and I have a whole load of clothes in the dryer and most of the stuff on that table is completely unnecessary if I bring it, but if I don’t bring it, I will need it more than anything else in the world, and also the fact that I haven’t chosen a suitable carry on nor printed out any sort of confirmation or information about my flight at all and am not even sure what airline I am flying oh and also I packed all my make up in a plastic bag last night thinking I was being proactive but I look like a drowned Ebola rat right out of the shower so I’m just going to have to unpack it all again which means I’m going to reconsider which make up I choose to bring based on TODAY’S mood and not based on my carefully planned single outfit and 85 other random pieces of clothing I needed, and ALSO that while I have my nice black cardigan ready to go, my super casual black cardigan is still in Phil’s car, back in the part where the DOGS ride, so it’s all gross and how the hell am I supposed to go on a trip with only one black cardigan, am I right?
Now taking bets on how many DirecTV remotes I accidentally pack into my checked bag.
(PS – I’m going to my bridal shower, not BlogHer. Gosh. Have we even met?)
Posted in daily BS, Somebody's getting maawwweeed | 7 Comments »
Thursday, July 1st, 2010
With some minor changes for color and switching out the initial monogram for first names/first initials, I have made yet ANOTHER WEDDING DECISION, which I shall call Wedding Decision 2, even though a significant number of decisions have ALREADY been made, so a more accurate number would be something like Wedding Decision 40 or Wedding Decision 85, and even though the centerpiece choice that I called Wedding Decision 1 was actually a joke and it wasn’t even a FUNNY joke unless you know that my name is Kelly and, shockingly to some, NOT JANE, making this, in reality, Wedding Decision 1, if I was to start re-numbering, since I hadn’t been counting up until now with stuff like the dress and the place, but then, at least symbolically, shouldn’t we call agreeing to marry Phil Wedding Decision 1, and then we can all agree to restart the counter after THAT, so this is, officially, Wedding Decision 2, at least for the purposes of this blog, if we all agree to ignore previously named Wedding Decision 1 as it was a joke that fell flat if you don’t actually know my name, to spare me all of the counting of previous decisions and to spare you from hearing about the crap that no one actually wants to hear about when it comes to weddings.
Images from etsy seller lvandy27.
I AM ON A ROLL, Y’ALL.
Posted in Somebody's getting maawwweeed | 6 Comments »
Tuesday, June 29th, 2010
I’m going to toss a couple of these into the center of each table so that people start to wonder if there is some Carrie-esque scenario afoot and shit is about to get real.
Posted in Somebody's getting maawwweeed | 9 Comments »
