Archive for the ‘shameless consumerism’ Category
Tuesday, June 1st, 2010
As you can imagine, Internet, Memorial Day is quite an important holiday around these parts, with time spent consider the sacrifices of those who have served our country and all of that. Phil and I, of course, could not let the holiday go by unmarked, and spent some time in the weeks leading up to Memorial Day wondering what the best, most appropriate way to mark the occasion would be.
After careful consideration, we decided that we would spend Memorial Day weekend and the week leading up to it – because we’re dedicated – in service to our country ourselves. Of course, Phil has an edge on me in that department, so we needed to get a little bit creative as to how I could be involved as well. We thought, well, what does our country really need from us right now? How can we contribute in a meaningful way, making some real sacrifice and not some hollow gesture?
Well, finally, it came to us. We decided to sacrifice eating for the next couple of weeks by serving our country with some major economic stimulation.
We decided to jump in with both feet and bought ourselves three of these. We had bought a fourth, see, a few weeks ago, in a totally unplanned fashion, isn’t it AWESOME when that happens? Having been told he needed new tires back before Christmas and having been re-told he needed new tires at a personal vehicle safety inspection at work on Friday, we decided to match the already purchased tire with three more, because nothing says Memorial Day like answering blog comments from an uncomfortable chair in the Discount Tire waiting room.
We felt a little bit like we had leapt too eagerly into our plans, forgetting to stretch and limber up, so we decided to back up and take it a bit easy. We went to Lowes and then to Target and finally to Wal-Mart, because apparently we were on a Wild Plastic Chase, and bought Sheldon a pool. After all, Memorial Day weekend does usually mark the unofficial beginning of summer – what’s more summery than a pool for your dog? He likes to chase floating balls around it and also stand in it for no apparent reason.
Not pictured is the bright orange stake driven deeply into the ground and carefully measured dog lead, because I felt that Phil and I would come off looking better if I just told you that we got him a pool, not that we have to tie him up when he’s in the backyard, or about the time I accidentally placed the pool just out of his range and he could only get his front paws in and it was so sad, but you know what, if he didn’t teach himself how to climb the fence, that wouldn’t be an issue, now would it?
Whenever we buy something for Sheldon, we try to buy something for Brinkley as well, or at least something that will benefit both dogs, so when we ventured out on another serving our country‘s economy spree, we stopped into PetSmart. A quick calculation reveals that this bag of treats represents 2.4% of our total pet-based bill on that particular shopping trip – we totally gave the economy the shocker.
This is an inside the house grill. Remember how I told you that Phil’s Best Friend came home from Iraq? Well, we said we would cook him some dinner when he came back and he requested steaks, but we didn’t have a grill. So we bought this inside the house grill, because it suits our current needs. Of course, we also purchased steaks to go on it. And corn. And potatoes (oh my god, make those potatoes). And then, of course, there was all that diet soda, but when it’s $2.50/12 pack, it’s not economic stimulation, it’s just good sense.
Also, even though I really like the Liberty of London stuff at Target, I have mostly resisted buying it, but random items have been appearing on clearance shelves, thus random items have been making their way into my house, like that canister, which has a lid, but has been repurposed to hold all of my utensils because I was keeping them in a DRAWER, and you know what happens when you keep ladles and shit in a DRAWER, half the time the damn thing doesn’t open so you have to stick your hand in there, the whole time cursing yourself for also using the same drawer to store your mandoline slicer and mezzaluna.
I have never eaten cottage cheese. Until recently, I could say that I had never purchased cottage cheese. Until even more recently, I could say that I hadn’t even touched cottage cheese. However, after pitching some money valiantly down the hole that is dog veterinary care, we had to round out that segment of Operation: Spend ’til Everyone in the US has a Job Again with the purchase of the cottage cheese so that I could hide Sheldon’s antibiotic and steroids in a deeleeshoos treat. I fail to see what is so deeleeshoos about cottage cheese and I don’t ever actually want to know, because next to applesauce, cottage cheese is basically a food-based nightmare for me.
OH, speaking of nightmares? The other night I had a nightmare in which a guy shot at me and I fell to the ground, but I wasn’t dead yet, and he knew it, and he came up to where I was laying face down on the ground, and he had a shotgun, and he was going to shoot me right in the back and I knew that, and in the dream I very distinctly remember wondering if getting shot in the center of the back with a shotgun would hurt, or if I would die instantly, and the feeling associated with being in a position to ask myself that question has stuck with me for days now and it’s pretty creepy. I try to relieve it by remember another dream I had recently, where Phil and I fought Paris Hilton to the death and ended up killing her with corn on the cob on a stick.
Do you know what you get when you combine a non-housebroken dog with the raging thirst brought on by a course of steroids? Come on, give it a guess. I have faith in you. Our Target, grocery store and PetSmart trips resulted in this little collection that is seeing a healthy amount of use. I mean, buying useless items isn’t good for anyone, so we were pleased to manage to purchase such useful, necessary items for our home while still keeping with the spirit of the Spend, Spend, Spend Fiesta.
Of course, as often happens when you immerse yourself in a project like this, you get on a roll, where one purchase necessitates another purchase. In this instance, when collecting yet another pack of paper towels at Target to use with the pee-cleaning purchases pictured above, we also went ahead and picked up some items to cover up the smell of the items we were using to clean up the smell of the dog pee. So the candles can be traced back to the paper towels which can be traced back to the floor cleaner, which can be traced back to the steroids, which can be traced back to Sheldon, and I know you think I’m going to stop there, but Sheldon can be traced back to Brinkley, who was so cute and perfect that it was impossible not to want a second dog and Brinkley can be traced back to PHIL.
Since we were at Target anyway, it only made sense to also purchase some new plastic cups, because we only had the four red ones, and I’d been looking for more for a while. The purchase of plastic cups was a pretty pro move on our part, because not only does the purchase meet our goal of honoring our country with our wallets, but it also saves us money as well. Do you know what happens when you drop a plastic cup? Nothing. And that is why I mostly drink from plastic cups.
A peek into the background will reveal that we also managed to complete our Shrek glass collection this weekend. I know you’re probably feeling intimidated right now, maybe a little ashamed that you did not cram as much love for your country into your weekend as we did, but you need to take things at your own pace. One Shrek glass a week is fine. And those plastic cups will probably be at Target all summer! Ease into it, guys. Ease into it.
Taking on such a lofty goal for the Memorial Day weekend also lead to the necessity of some down time to rest and recover from our efforts. Phil chose to spend his down time with this video game. Y’all, I am not the type of person who believes that video games make children violent. Until I met this video game, I really couldn’t think of a game that I’d restrict a young teen from playing, assuming they could demonstrate that they understood the difference between games and reality. There is no chance in hell I would let any kid play this game. Now, that’s not because I think that letting a kid play this game would turn him into some kind of criminal or bandit. This game is just over the top unnecessary. Blood splashes the screen when you skin animals. There are hookers who you are supposed to hogtie. New rule for any future hypothetical child that may come into this house: You cannot play any game that includes hookers until you are of an age where you have somehow learned on your own what a hooker is, so that I do not have to explain to you anything about hookers.
Must demonstrate preexisting, mysteriously acquired knowledge of hookers before allowed to play anything by Rockstar Games.
You know what I discovered on our quest this weekend? Home Goods. Not only did we replace the random square of carpet that was serving as a from doormat for the last three months, I am also reasonably certain that the store will serve as a jumping off point for significant amounts of country-supporting spending to come.
I named this guy Donny.
We went to the New Balance store because I needed to purchase some new sneakers, because I hadn’t bought any new sneakers in several years and the ones I have are so beaten as to barely be clinging to the “sneaker” category designation, and I have some other ones for decorative wear, but Sheldon PEED in them. You’ll notice that this picture is not of sneakers, because when the apathetic sales guy helped me choose some shoes and put them on, I couldn’t even stand to touch my foot to the floor, the sensation was so awful.
Now, it is generally understood by me, and by Phil, and by maybe some of you, but probably not sales guys, that I am weirdly sensitive to different sensations, and apparently the feel of New Balance shoes is among them, as I found out as I sat in the store, feet deliberately pulled up and dangling from my chair so as not to accidentally touch the ground because it was the most intolerable non-pain foot-related feeling I have ever felt, even above tickling, but World Market was right there, so I bought some incense and vowed to purchase a papasan some day soon as well. Also, I am still foot-cringing at the idea of my feet touching the floor while in those shoes.
These are not New Balance shoes. They’re a different kind. We also bought some pink socks, because I’m that person who goes to the mall, specifically to buy sneakers, but is wearing flip flops and no socks. Of course, the socks were buy one, get one 50% off and the green ones were equally cute, so, considering the bargain and how well it matched up with our weekend goal, we collected those as well.
The lovely gentleman at Foot Locker also noticed that the arches on my feet could easily stand in for the one in St. Louis for a day or two with no one being the wiser and put some inserts in the shoes as well, while explaining that some shoes – most especially New Balance – are very flat inside so that flat feet people can wear them and non-flat feet people can put in some arches if they want. Whatever the reasoning, I did not want to scream when I touched my foot to the ground, and I think that’s a pretty good indicator that you have a good sneaker on your hands. Feet. Whatevs.
With one last push, we decided to make a long term commitment to our Memorial Day Spend-a-Thon. Since we now have two dogs and will go through food twice as fast, we decided to switch to a more expensive brand of food! That way, not only are we going through twice as much food as before, but we’re also paying significantly more for each bag! I was particularly impressed with this choice, you guys, and I really don’t mind tooting our own horns here. It is this kind of far sighted dedication to keeping yourself hovering just above the poverty line that is going to bring this country back to where it should be.
Anyway, I hope that everyone found a fun, safe and productive way to spend their Memorial Day weekend. If any of you spent it locating dangly earrings that won’t make me feel like I’m playing a joke on myself, shorts that have a more than crotch-length inseam but won’t make me feel like a pastel-wearing retiree, a casual skirt that manages to not cling and also covers all areas of butt cheekage, or tank tops that are neither too tight nor too flowy nor too boring nor too overly-patterned, please let me know, as I feel I have a little bit still left to give to our country.
Posted in Brinkley + Sheldon, daily BS, shameless consumerism | 38 Comments »
Wednesday, February 17th, 2010
Internet, I’ve told you on numerous occasions that I consider myself to be a pretty average person. If I think something or want something or am interested in something, I am always quite certain I am not the first or last to think or want or be interested in that something. It’s just the way of things, you know? If I have seen a commercial that piqued my interest for whatever reason, some of yours must be piqued, too. I write this assuming you totally want to know all of this stuff. You have the length of this sentence to back out now if you DON’T want to know this stuff.
So, having seen the commercials for KY Yours & Mine, I was intrigued for two reasons. One, the test tubeyness of it looks sciencey, which appeals to my inner nerd. Two, the commercial seems to acknowledge the Pizza Theory of Sex, in that the dude is all “Hey, I’m a dude. Sex is good no matter what. But we got these science sex tubes, and now my lady is all FOGHORN.”
Anyway, so it was Valentine’s Day, and I’d been away for two weeks, so of course, being a young couple who has been together for less than 2 years, it was obviously a Sex Night.
Reality:
“It’s Valentine’s Day.”
“I know. *sigh*”
“Are we going to have sex?”
“I dunno. Do you want to?”
“*sigh* I guess.”
Also, being the young, fun and adventurous types of people we are, we decided to try out something new – namely, KY Yours & Mine. Our burning desire for the new and different in all aspects of our lives knows no bounds!
Reality:
“So you want to try this new stuff?”
“*sigh* Why not?”
“All right… Twenty fucking dollars? Hot christ.”
“That’s… a lot.”
“Well, put back one of those boxes of condoms. They expire eventually, you know, and 24 is a bit optimistic.”
“They don’t expire for two years!”
“OPTIMISTIC!”
So, I cooked Phil the dinner he requested (that part’s actually true!) and eventually, when we couldn’t wait another minute, it was time to head to the bedroom to give KY Yours & Mine a test run.
Reality:
“*sigh* Are you ready?”
“*sigh* I guess.”
I’ve read a few reviews of KY Yours & Mine that complain that since the bottles are test tubily shaped, they don’t stand upright and lead to leaking. I don’t know if those were old reviews or if those people threw away the packaging, but the two test tubes came with a small test tube holder dealie inside the package, which we have successfully used to keep the bottles from not standing upright and leaking all over the dresser.
Now, with it being Valentine’s Day and all, we were able to integrate KY Yours & Mine seamlessly into our romantical activities.
Reality:
“Wait, turn the lights back on. Which one is yours and which one is mine?”
“Uh… I think… no wait, other way. Ok.”
“Ok. Lights?”
“Wait, wait. One second.”
“A towel? Seriously?”
“I JUST washed these sheets.”
“*sigh* Fine. But put it on YOUR side.”
“Ok. All set. NOW get the lights.”
As shown on the packaging, KY Yours & Mine has one blue tube and one purple tube. The blue tube is his and the purple tube is hers. I didn’t notice until last night, looking over at our dresser in the dark, the the words labeling the separate bottles actually glow in the dark. It’s subtle, but definitely would be helpful if you knew to look for it when fumbling around in the dark.
So, you know, things progress, as they do in these situations, until you arrive at the point where KY Yours & Mine comes into play. I don’t know if there are standardized lubricant application methods at play in the sexy time world here, but in general, we tend to stick to the solo application. KY Yours & Mine, however, relies on the dual application. One for yours and one for mine, you know? Your bottle does something specific for you, and my bottle does something specific for me, and they’re supposed to combine into like… Genital Voltron or something. There was a moment of hesitation while the usual non-luber among us deal with his/her bottle, but otherwise, all was standard.
Reality:
“I can’t find my bottle.”
“It’s right there.”
“Are you sure that’s mine?”
“What difference does it make?”
“YOURS and MINE. YOURS AND MINE.”
“Yes, that’s yours.”
“Ok. Okaaaaay… ok. I’m good.”
The point of KY Yours & Mine is that each test tube of lube is designed to provide a certain feeling for him and a certain feeling for her. I have to say that upon initial application, neither of us noticed any kind of specific sensation. Things seemed pretty standard, actually, as things got moving in a sexy time direction. Nothing out of the ordinary from our usual Astroglide.
Reality:
“Do you feel anything different?”
“No, do you?”
“Not yet. I think we’re supposed to mix them. You know. With sex.”
“Ok… umm…”
“It’s too slippery!”
“*hysterical laughter*”
“*hysterical laughter*”
“*sniff* *sniff* Was that smell you?”
“I’m sorry! I was laughing!”
“Oh, god.”
Even though neither of us noticed any kind of independent sensation induced by the KY Yours & Mine (aside from the speedbump generated by two independent lubrication applications), I can definitely say that once we got into the whole Genital Voltron thing, a sensation was noticed. Yes, combining the “Yours” and the “Mine” portions of KY Yours & Mine definitely provides a sensation.
Reality:
“Ok, NOW do you feel anything?”
“Nothing different than normal… how about you?”
“Um… I think so…”
“You feel something different?”
“Yeah, it’s like… “
“Like what?”
“Hang on, I’m thinking.”
“Thinking?”
“OH MAN. IT FEELS LIKE ICY HOT.”
“*hysterical laughter*”
“Don’t laugh! IT FEELS LIKE I SAT IN SNOW!”
“*hysterical laughter*”
“STOP LAUGHING AT ME! IT’S COLD!”
Since KY Yours & Mine didn’t seem to provide any kind of unique sensation to each partner, I don’t know that it would really matter who got which tube, even though it is supposed to. And if you’re normally a solo lubrication application couple, I recommend making the necessary adjustments for a dual lubrication application to prevent… genital combination issues.
Other than that, though, I have to say that KY Yours & Mine did live up to what it said it would do.
For him, the man lube tube didn’t really cause any kind of independent sensation, and he didn’t really notice anything when they combined, either, but we might have to write that up to the use of condoms, of course (KY Yours & Mine is latex safe, FYI). However, the Pizza Theory of Sex, as shown in the commercials, does indeed hold true. It was sex, he’s a guy, that’s pretty much the recipe for no complaints.
For her, there was also no noted independent sensation from the purple lube tube, but there was definitely a sensation of sorts when they combined. As for the foghorn in the commercial… well, I could see that. Maybe. If the foghorn was intended to warn the USS Penis of potential icebergs in the Vaginama Canal.
Disclaimer: No one asked me to write this or paid me to write this or gave me any free $20 lube to write this. In fact, the manufacturers of KY Yours & Mine probably wish I didn’t write this. You probably are probably wishing the same thing.
Posted in shameless consumerism | 63 Comments »
Wednesday, November 4th, 2009
Check out Phil totally giving me sitcom face.
You know, SITCOM FACE. Like if this was the late 80s/early 90s, you could totally picture me doing something wacky and him going, “Oh, TJ” and giving me sitcom face, at which point we’d freeze frame and the credits would roll.
Do you see it?
TOTAL SITCOM FACE. You may or may not be surprised to know that I am extremely familiar with that particular expression on that particular head.
(Also, how FREAKIN ADORABLE are we in our matching t-shirts?)
(Also also? I can’t help noticing you noticing that our mirror needs to be cleaned. Your noticing has been noted. Quit being so judgmental. Damn. I have a crippling fear of streaks, and I can’t reach the top of the mirror, and do you really think that Phil should have to CLEAN a MIRROR after he gets home from a hard day at work only to watch me get toothpaste all over it again mere hours later? Really? God, Internet. When did you turn into such a bunch of assholes?)
(And, another also? I know you’re looking at my boobs.)
Three, c
Posted in NaBloPoMo 09, daily BS, shameless consumerism | 34 Comments »
Saturday, October 24th, 2009
I mentioned today, on Twitter, that I had purchased some new fake hair. That intrigued Swistle, who immediately began a descent into my archives to find more about my fake hair collection, but I realized that I had only ever mentioned it in passing, which is shameful of me.
The tagline to this site used to be “I’m Mr. TJ, and this is my demonic ponytail,” even long after I chopped off the hair that had grown to my butt. It has since been changed to something more appropriate – “It is way better to be me than to be someone who has to deal with me.”
Something I realized when I chopped all that hair off was that I really missed having long hair, but I LOVED having short hair. Thus, the fake hair collection was started.
Upon realizing, thanks to Ms. Swistle, that I had not discussed nor posted pictures of said collection, I did my best to rectify that this evening.
No pictures, please.
Click here for the full set.
Posted in daily BS, shameless consumerism | 7 Comments »
Tuesday, March 31st, 2009
So, Internet, I have done something that I have been wavering back and forth on doing for awhile. I bought glasses online.
Actually, I haven’t really been wavering back and forth about the actual buying of the glasses. I just never got around to going to get a new prescription, as I am lazy and I’m always afraid they’ll overpower me during the eye exam and make me submit to the puff of air test.
I KNOW I should have the puff of air test, but I can’t even stand the idea of it. It makes me want to fly violently backwards off my chair and onto the floor, where I would lay twitching and rolling and clutching my eyeballs.
I did finally go and get the prescription update, though, for the first time since 2001 or 2002 and surprisingly, it hadn’t changed too much. The doctor did add in a bifocal prescription for all the look-down-at-a-notepad, look-up-at-computer I do constantly. And I didn’t have to have the puff.
Me: No puff, please.
Her: No puff?
Me: No, no puff.
Her: Doctor… she doesn’t want the puff.
Me: No puff.
Doctor: No puff?
Me: *hands over eyes* No puff, please.
Doctor: Don’t do the puff.
Her: No puff?
Doctor: No puff.
Her: You can move your hands now.
Me: No puff?
Her: No puff.
So anyway, he handed me my prescription and Phil and I went back out into the area where they have all the glasses and I tried a few on. I was seriously into some Harry Potter style stuff, but Phil wasn’t having it, and he thinks I’m ALLLLWAYS beautiful, even right now, at 5 in the morning with my hair sticking up all over the place wearing shorts that are way too big for me and a blanket like a cape and an old t-shirt with a plastic decal of a cowgirl on it that is seriously suffering from way too many washings and no make up and total coffee breath, and I don’t know if he ACTUALLY thinks I’m beautiful right now because I’m not going to turn around and ask him because I’d hate it if I surprised him and he dared hesistate for a second and I had to kill him to death and make him late for work, so let’s just agree that he does think so and that if he didn’t like the Harry Potter glasses they must have been seriously bad.
Right, so I looked at a couple of frames there, but I already knew the basic idea of what I was going to get – I’ve been wearing the thick, plastic rimmed glasses since long before the were the norm and I was just a huge nerd. I lost and broke so many pairs of glasses growing up that I finally just went with the cheapest I could find, which, at the time, made me look like the lamest of nerdy lames, but now I’m finally in style, which basically has convinced me to never change anything about the way I dress because eventually I will be cool and who will be laughing then, Internet? WHO WILL BE LAUGHING THEN? I was uncool before uncool was cool.
I got the lady at the counter to hand over my prescription and I also got her to take my pupilary distance measurement which is very important to have if you’re going to order glasses online, and you should NOT guess at it. I’ve heard stories about how some places won’t give you your prescription to take with you, or they will refuse to take that measurement if you’re not buying glasses in their store. They don’t really HAVE to take that measurement for you, but they DO have to give you your prescription if you ask for it. I didn’t have any trouble, but if you decide to try this, you might, so be firm. They have to give you the prescription. If you can’t get them to take the measurement of your pupils and give it to you, there are ways to do it yourself, but they’re not as accurate and it’s what dictates where the focal point of your lenses is, so do what you can there.
We came home and I looked at the various sites for buying glasses online – there’s 39dollarglasses.com, goggles4u.com and a whole whole lot more. I personally went with ZenniOptical because 1, they had the cheapest glasses and if ordering online turned out to suck, I wouldn’t be out much money and 2, the shipping is $5 no matter how many pairs you order. One or two other sites actually let you upload a picture to check how the glasses would look on you, but there are very few pictures of me in existence and I rarely look directly at a camera, so that didn’t entertain me very long.
I settled on two frames and putting my prescription in was easy, and then Phil convinced me that I also needed to get sunglasses as well. On most of the sites, you can add sunglass tint to any frames, or order a little clip on thingie with some frames, or get transition lenses. I’m not a fan of transitions and most of the frames I liked didn’t come with a clip on thingie (I don’t really like those anyway) so I found a pair that seemed somewhat suitable for sunglasses and had them done up with my prescription and tinted as well. I admit that finding a pair that I thought would work for sunglasses was a little tough, but that all depends on your taste.
I do not have the glasses yet, but the ordering went easily enough, so I am hoping that there will be no hitches once they arrive, either. Here’s what I picked out:
These first, in black. There were a few different color options, I wasn’t into this stripey one, but the black looked ok. Sticking to my usual plastic, assuming I will break/lose/maim/eat them at some point.
Next I picked out these, thinking that maybe at my responsible old age of 27, I wouldn’t completely destroy them within the first 15 minutes of owning them. Plus, while the plastic rimmed frames may have made me look super nerdy 12 years ago, they at least made me look intelligent. Now that plastic frames are the norm (not that I don’t still love them, because I do, I really do), they don’t have the same “Wow, you look smart!” air to them. And I depend on that initial impression to lure people into speaking to me before it’s too late. So I figured maybe if I went the other way, back to some classy wire frames, I could re-fool people as to my smartyness.
And, lastly, the pair I decided on for sunglasses:
I was kind of looking at this pair for normal glasses, but I’ve not really worn square glasses before and didn’t want to risk it with an online order. My current glasses, like most, had some measurements on the inside of one of the earpieces, so I stuck as closely to those measurements as possible when choosing frames, so as to minimize the possibility of facial ugliness. I also wasn’t initially going to get sunglasses at all, but after watching me futilely switch back and forth between seeing through my real glasses and protecting my eyes with my sunglasses at the airshow a couple of weeks ago, Phil insisted. I’ve never had prescription sunglasses (and I don’t wear contacts) so I have to admit that now I’m really looking forward to not have to choose between being blinded by the sun and not actually being able to see other cars when I’m driving.
I don’t really know why I’ve made this whole post when I haven’t acutally received the glasses yet – if I waited a week or so, the post could have been much shorter: “I ordered glasses online and they suck!” or “I ordered glasses online and they’re awesome!” and that could have been that. Obviously I was in need of new glasses badly as the intelligence has worn off of my current pair.
Posted in daily BS, shameless consumerism | 17 Comments »
Friday, March 27th, 2009
Internet,
I have but two words for you today.
Zombie. Shoes.
They will be mine. Oh yes, they will be mine.
/Wayne Campbell
Your favoritze Zombie Stomper,
TJ
PS – Check out BRK today if you want to help me with my special project/BRK harassment/traffic abuse/efforts of awesome. Serious questions especially needed. Not that I intend on seriously answering them.
Posted in shameless consumerism | 11 Comments »
