Temerity Jane

Attempting to unfold myself.

Internet, even though I live here and am practically made up of Internet myself, sometimes, I find the Internet to be just crushingly horrible.

I mean that I sometimes feel like I’m actually stooped forward in my chair, with my spine all crackly from the weight of how heavily the Internet is just trying to crush me up into a little ball.

Lately, I am feeling extra Internet-squished. Phil comes home from work and I feel like a floppy, flailing excuse of a person, with nothing to say to him except rambling, punctuation-free diatribes on what I’ve seen on the Internet that day, with alternating levels of disbelief and/or rage and/or unhappiness. And then I lay in a useless heap.

So there are liars, who continue to lie even in the face of overwhelming evidence calling them out, which I just can’t understand, because goddamnit, just come clean. Being lied to is infuriating, especially when it comes along with the “how dare you question me!” attitude that is so often present with Internet lying. Oh, I dare. I DARE.

Then there’s the now “retracted, sorry, didn’t actually happen, my bad” story about someone hurting their dog, which I couldn’t look away from but also couldn’t stand and had to let the dog sleep in the bed that night. And today, a blogger has had a sudden stroke, so Twitter streams and feedreaders are full of news and updates and sadness.

And just yesterday, Phil and I were talking about how I ignored him for a year, but now that he sits in the same office with me and sees what I sometimes deal with – people writing mean shit about me that I have to pretend to ignore, and the sense of entitlement that a very small but very vocal segment of my readers enjoys exhibiting, or the frustration of dealing with the Internet’s assumption that it actually knows me, or the weird feeling of obligation to answer every email and comment in a cheerful fashion – he now understands a little better why I used to blow him off so much.

And we can’t forget how regularly the Internet likes to remind us of how outright mean women like, truly like, to be to other women, in a schoolyard bully, gang-up type mentality.

Anyway, Internet, sometimes, I admit it – at the end of a day of working while finding time to respond to comments and emails and write posts and talk with people on Twitter and do other things I’ve promised someone I’d somehow manage to get done, I am all “ENOUGH INTERNET I HAVE HAD ENOUGH CAN’T YOU JUST BE NORMAL FOR ONE DAY!”

But! As severe as the permanent Internet-curve in my spine is getting, it is equally difficult to overlook some of the comparably spectacular awesomeness that comes out of the Internet.

First of all? The people who comment here are freakin’ hilarious. Once Phil gets home from work, I read him comments pretty much all night, as they come in. We think y’all are funny.

Secondly? The Internet finds things for you. Thanks to luxiia’s comment a week or so back, I actually have a wedding photographer, and I am very excited about them. Here’s their blog, if you want to check them out. Which you should. Because they’re awesome.

Thirdly? I suppose I can’t totally overlook the fact that I have a Phil.

Fourthly? I got to go see Hank Green last night, and I wouldn’t even know who he was without the Internet, and of course, we cannot forget this, from Hank’s brother John, either.

So, maybe you see my dilemma, Internet. It’s impossible to avoid all of the aforementioned Internet negatives, the ones that have made me a half inch shorter than I was at this time last year, because they are so ridiculously intertwined with the good things. I wouldn’t have funny commenters without also taking on the entitled know it alls. You wouldn’t be able to see such fantastic examples of women supporting women without watching women tear other women down. You wouldn’t be able to enjoy seriously talented writers without wading through some lying wannabes.

You know, you’d think that I had some kind of uplifting conclusion to this post, about how the good finally does outweigh the bad, or asking you for your own stories about Internet crappiness versus Internet redemption, but you’d think wrong. They’re just barely balancing each other out right now, and I’m not really in the mood to speak highly of the Internet.

How about you come up with an applicable question calling for your own thoughts or experiences that I’d normally put here, and we’ll all just answer each others (don’t ask ME a question. Ask yourself the question that I should have asked you here, if I were in the state of mind to come up with a proper post conclusion, which I am not, unless I can somehow relate it to the episode of Full House I am watching, and while I am normally pretty good at relating just about anything and everything to an episode of Full House, it doesn’t seem to be happening today). In the meantime, I will sit here and recover from crushing Internet overdose before I am folded in half.

Posted in daily BS, NaBloPoMo 09 | 58 Comments »

November 16, doomed from the start

“It seems like NaBloPoMo is becoming basically me talking about what an asshole I am. Got any ideas for me to write about all the terrible ways I annoy you?”

“Not really, no.”

“Oh, yeah, right!”

“Well… you know how every time I stand up, you ask me to get you a diet soda? How you’ll sit without a diet soda for like, an hour, just so you can ask me for one as soon as I stand up? That’s kind of annoying.”

“Excuse me?”

*5 minutes later*

“So really, it’s because I’m trying to prevent global warming. You’re WELCOME.”

“I think your logic is flawed there.”

“I think your concern for the environment is flawed.”

*5 minutes later*

“I can’t believe you!”

“I did not call you Pre-Subway Fat Jared!”

“Whatever. Should I roll myself out of the car or are you going to drag up a RAMP?”

Posted in NaBloPoMo 09, TJ + Phil | 9 Comments »

Just Say No to Surprise Gap

Internet, when I am trying to make sense of the world, or tell you one of my many theories on life, I often start off by saying, “There are two types of people in the world.” Either you are like me in some particular way, or you aren’t. One of those things is correct, and one of them is utterly incomprehensible.

Today, we are talking about surprises. There are two kinds of people in the world – the kind who announce surprises in advance, and the kind who do things correctly.

I am going to go so far as to say I would like to see a law enacted on this topic, that is how strongly I feel about it.

As you may have guessed, I live in a house divided on this issue.

Phil, you see, enjoys calling, texting or emailing me to say “I got you a present,” or “I have a surprise for you.”

Now, as someone who knows the correct procedure for such situations, I say, “What is it?,” fully expecting to be told.

Because if you ANNOUNCE that you have a surprise, you need to be prepared to tell me what it is immediately.

Otherwise, why would you even SAY that you have a surprise? Why would you say that you have something for me and not tell me what it is? If you intend to give it to me, announce its existence as you hand it to me! Why would you tell me it exists hours before I actually get to find out what it is? Have we met? Have you mistaken me for someone with patience?

There are the people, like Phil, who announce that they know a secret, have a surprise, got you a present or any other similar thing, knowing full well that they have NO INTENTION of revealing what they know until some point later in time.

Then there are the people, like me, who understand how to handle surprises and presents correctly. You don’t say that you have a secret, surprise, or present until you are ready to reveal it.

Or, alternatively, you can announce that you have a surprise or present coming at a later date, and then immediately blurt out what it is, thus removing the “surprise” element from the situation. That… is pretty much the way I usually end up doing things.

I don’t understand you people, you others, who insist on a gap between the announcement that you have some item or information and the actual handing over or telling of some item or information.

What you are creating, really, when you do such a thing, is the Surprise Gap. The Surprise Gap occurs when one person reveals that they have or know something, and indicates a period of time when what they have or know will be revealed to all. The time in between the announcing and the designated time is the Surprise Gap.

Is there anyone in this world that ENJOYS living within the Surprise Gap?

I am willing to allow that there are such people, people who revel in the Surprise Gap, because I am not completely closed minded.

However, those people are wrong.

Internet, I am calling for the elimination of the Surprise Gap.

This is my proposal:

Surprise Gaps are not to exceed a unit of time bigger than what could be called a “moment,” to allow for the actual handing over of the surprise, or, in the case of information and secrets, time enough to allow the teller a dramatic pause for effect.

Any Surprise Gaps exceeding the allowed length of time will be punished with a continual and unending “Tell me. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me.,” until the creator of the Surprise Gap cracks and gives in.

Internet, do your part – Just Say No to Surprise Gap.

Posted in daily BS, NaBloPoMo 09 | 31 Comments »

Sing your own kind of song

Stuff I have sung that may or may not have gotten on Phil’s nerves recently
a list, by TJ

1. This is the song, la la la la, Kel-mo’s song. This is the song, la la la la, KEL-mo’s song!*

2. K-K-K-Kelly face, K-K-Kelly face.*

3. Any way I want it, that’s the way I get it, ANY WAY I WANT IT DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT*

4. All the single Kellys, all the single Kellys. All the single Kellys, all the single Kellys.*

5. Journey, Journey, Journey, Journey, Journey, Journey, Journey**

* repeat exactly as written, over and over, until someone asks you to please, PLEASE stop

** to the tune of ANY Journey song. Seriously. Try it sometime.

v^v^v^v^v

Also? While I’m talking about how I have been super annoying lately, and along the lines of the post the other day about what our significant others have to put up with, I have something to confess.

Neither Phil nor I have been sleeping well lately, and our sleep schedules are all out of whack and weird. Last night, we went out to grab some dinner and I guess we ate a bit too much. We were definitely feeling a food coma coming on when we decided to lay down for JUST A MINUTE around 6pm when we got home.

And then, of course, we woke up at 10pm.

Phil is extremely anti-nap and after getting up briefly to shut down the computers and let the dog out, he wanted to go right back to sleep in order to stick as closely to our normal sleep schedules as possible, so he got right back into bed, intending to act like we totally hadn’t just slept for four hours in the business end of a Saturday.

So here is where my confession comes in, Internet.

I wasn’t even a little bit tired.

So, every time he closed his eyes? I slapped him in the forehead.

Eventually, he gave up, and took me out for this soda that was bigger than my head.

Posted in daily BS, NaBloPoMo 09 | 29 Comments »

November 14, afternoon

“I want a baby otter!”

“No.”

“Come on! Look at it!”

“Yes, it’s cute.”

“Don’t you want one?”

“No.”

“Come ON! Look. If I can have a baby otter, we don’t have to have a baby.”

“No.”

“You’d rather have a BABY than an adorable OTTER?”

“I guess.”

“Oh, nice. ‘I guess.’ Our hypothetical future child gets an ‘I guess.‘”

“Yes. Yes, I would rather have a baby than an otter.”

“That is ridiculous.”

“I will buy you some Otter Pops.”

“… Deal.”

Much thanks to Anna for spurring this debate.

Posted in NaBloPoMo 09, TJ + Phil | 13 Comments »

Resigned to the situation

You know how when you’re young, and you’re also a girl (this will require more imaginative work from some of the audience than required from the rest), you date guys and if there’s something kind of obnoxious about him, you just figure you’ll change it later?

And then you get older and you realize that the best option, really, is to just choose someone you hate the least?

Basically, you accept that whatever a guy is, that’s what he is and you’re never going to change him at all.

Well, obviously the same goes for men changing women but the very idea that they’d ever assume it was possible is so hilarious that I’m going to laugh, ha ha ha haaaa, while giving all the men in the audience a scary eye so intimidating that they continue to pretend to be young girls in hopes I won’t spot them.

Anyway, I figure, once you’re in a relationship, the only person who can really decide to change anything about you is yourself. And there are some things that maybe you should change.

For example, I need to work on the fact that I refuse to acknowledge any feelings that Phil has unless they are verbally and perfectly clearly expressed to me the very moment he has said feels. Because that is what I do.

Loudly and immediately.

When someone has upset me, there is no mystery about it.

It is not fair of me to expect Phil to be so clear and concise and understandable. Even though it doesn’t make any sense why he isn’t.  I have to accept the fact that Phil doesn’t make sense. Because I can’t change him. Even though it would make sense.

So really, it falls on me to make changes in myself if there are things which are not so (what is the opposite of detrimental? I’m just going with what comes to mind, I’m typing in a hurry) trimental to our relationship.

However, when thinking about it in the same realistic way that you realize that finding someone you can tolerate is way easier than finding someone perfect, I realize that there are also things about me that will never change, even though I realize what a burden they must be on Phil.

First of all? From wherever I am in the house, I will always yell for him, rather than go find him. And then I will sit and wait until he comes to me. If he doesn’t come to me, when I do finally get around to getting up, usually when I have to pee or after whatever television show I was watching, I accuse him of ignoring me and hating me. However, when he yells for me? I stay right where I am and yell back that he knows it’s impossible to hear anyone yelling in this house, why doesn’t he just COME TO ME instead? Damn.

Also? I tell him what he is thinking, especially in regards to me, all day long. And to be honest, I make him seem like kind of a dick.

“You think I look stupid, don’t you?”

“You hate this, you hate everything I’m wearing.”

“I know what you’re thinking, this make up makes me look like a chimpanzee whore.”

“You hate me, I know, but stop thinking about where to hide my body.”

“You wish I would shut up, stop being so mean.”

“Stop looking at me with that face. I know what that means. That means you wish the house would crack in half and the part I am standing in would fall into the earth never to be seen again but the part with you and the video games and the dog would be perfectly find and you’d get to live in half a house and people would feel bad for you because I fell into the earth and would set up a tourist trade around The Man Who Lives in Half a House to help you through your tough time and you and the dog would be rich and you’d be able to afford someone to clean all the smudges off the glass that they’d use to make up the wall of the missing half of the house and you probably wouldn’t even start to feel bad until you realized that you don’t know how to grocery shop effectively. Stop LOOKING at me like that. ASSHOLE.”

Thirdly? Even though there may seem to be some light at the end of the soda can situation tunnel, where for a week or two I really make a concerted effort to deal with said soda cans? I am pretty much always going to go back to letting them collect on my desk until he can’t stand it, then getting unreasonably upset when he tries to take them away.

I said unreasonably so I don’t actually have to explain my reasons to you.

I assume that there are things about you that you would like to work on improving within the context of a relationship (if you say that there aren’t, you’re a big fat lying pants because remember, no one is perfect and we choose partners we hate the least and that goes for YOUR other half as well), which means that of course there are also horrible things that you have no intention of ever changing. What do you fully admit is going to burden your significant other forever?

Also? You can stop pretending to be young girls now. Unless you were into it. Hey, it’s Friday. Get down with your bad self.

Posted in daily BS, NaBloPoMo 09 | 32 Comments »

The Becoming People Who Comment Challenge, #4

Hanging in there, Internet? Are you seeing any improvements overall yet, or have you just pretty much stuck to the challenges alone? Also, have you met this new banner? Bellwether made it. FREAKIN’ ADORABLE. Anyway, Internet, let’s get right to it, because I want to get this post up early. I’m really counting on you for comments on this one, and I want to give you maximum thinky time for today’s topic.

Today’s Topic: Let’s Help Each Other Out

Ok, so, we’ve been at this for a little while now. I mean, it’s only the 4th challenge, but you guys have really taken to this thing, judging by a lot of the feedback I’m getting. Everything is actually happening exactly like I hoped, really. I am sure a lot of people are following along with the comments and working their way up, and that’s totally excellent. Other people have taken it a step further and are really starting to note and focus on their own commenting habits outside of the challenges as well, which brings me to today’s topic.

What tips can you give to your fellow Future People Who Comment? What have you found works for you in terms of motivating yourself to make comments?

Let me tell you some of mine.

1. I use the Better GReader extension for Firefox. Once installed, it lets me basically visit the site and comment from inside Google Reader. Kiss your “I like to read through a feed reader” excuse goodbye, kids.

2. When I’m feeling particularly hardcore, I do not allow myself to read blog posts – not even from my most favoritest, most hilariousest bloggers – if I’m not in the mood or don’t have the time to comment. If I don’t have the time or motivation to comment, I don’t have the time to read the blogs. You may not be as into self-punishment as I am, and that’s ok.

So how about you? How are you motivating yourself to become a Person Who Comments? When you’re about to click on to the next blog without making a peep, what makes you have that second thought and go ahead and comment? Is what you feel you get out of commenting serving as motivation at all?

Hey, while we’re talking about it, what are you getting out of your burgeoning commenting habits?

Today’s Challenge: Breaking Bad Habits

To Be Completed by: Thursday, November 19. A FULL WEEK.

Challenge: You may think this is a cop out, Internet, but bear with me. We’re trying to develop a HABIT here, and to develop a good habit, we have to overcome bad habits. You have a full week to break one of the following habits:

1. Reluctance to leave a “Me, too” comment if you feel other people have already said what you would have said; OR
2. Deciding not to comment because you don’t feel like you’d fit in with current or regular commenters on a certain blog; OR
3. Not commenting because you assume that the blogger doesn’t want to hear/doesn’t care about what you have to say; OR
4. Any other fear or insecurity that keeps you from commenting on a certain blog or blogs in general.

Basically – define your biggest commenting block (INSECURITY!) and force yourself to break it, repeatedly, for a full week. In order to become People Who Comment, I think we need to find all the little reasons that we are not YET People Who Comment and stomp them out.

When you’re finished, be sure to email me at PeopleWhoComment [at] gmail.com. Include a link to your favorite post that you’ve written recently, or favorite post that you’ve read recently if you don’t have a blog of your own. Links will be chosen at random for the Practice Section of the next post! I know very well that a lot of you are doing the challenges and not sending and email and you should know – if you’re not sending your email, you are RUINING my LIFE.

Commenting Practice

I’ve assigned a number to all of the emails sent to me after the first challenge and chosen three at random. If you feel like practicing your comments, go flex your muscles on some of your fellow Becoming People Who Comment Challenge participants!

This week, Carries submitted this post about heebiejeebies and surprise wasps, which actually sounds WAY WORSE than surprise penises.

Emma submitted a post from her younger brother’s blog, about a basset hound meet up. I did not know such adorable things existed. Basset hound meet ups, not basset hounds. I knew they existed.

And, one more for the WoW fans, from Adlib – a submission that made her laugh: The Sleazy Fun of Cheap Shots from Mortigan the Lock.

Posted in NaBloPoMo 09, People Who Comment, the blogging thing | 27 Comments »