Temerity Jane

Smushed

Dear Internet,

I was driving into work one day, and I saw something on the side of the road, over on the shoulder.

At first I thought it was a dead raccoon, but it wasn’t.

It was definitely a dead possum. Anyway. That’s not the story.

So I got to thinking about dead things on the side of the road, and this doesn’t have anything to do with the habit I have that I have thus far only revealed to a few people, of staring out the windows when I’m a passenger in the car and evaluating the side of the road and landscape for body hiding potential. No joke. I can’t help it. I can tell you exactly when it started. I was in the 5th grade, and riding the bus to school, but anyway, that’s not the story, and who really needs to hear such disturbing things, right?

Right?

So anyway, dead thing on the side of the road and I start to wonder.

You see a lot of dead things in the road, but also a significant number in the shoulder.

So do people hit these things and then politely move them to the shoulder?

Do people hit them and the impact blows these animals over to the shoulder?

Was the animal just chillin on the shoulder, politely waiting for a turn to cross, and someone on their cellphone or something veered over the line and hit it?

Was it waiting for a “walk” signal and someone swerved to DELIBERATELY hit it?

Because that’s not cool. I say, if an animal is politely waiting on the shoulder of the road for traffic to pass, don’t swerve over there and hit it. How would you like it if you were minding your own business in the checkout line at the supermarket and some wacko comes barreling at you with a cart and a look of demented glee in their eye?

Not cool, people.

Be considerate, Internet,
TJ

Posted in I think | 8 Comments »

Who sings that? Let’s keep it that way.

Dear Internet,

I’ve crafted a memo.

ATTN: WORLD

Dear everyone,

Unless you are specifically asked in a non-public area, or you are at a karaoke bar, or you are in your OWN shower, no one ever. Ever.

EVER.

Wants to hear you sing along with whatever music may be playing.

Not in a bar. Not in a restaurant. Not walking around outdoors while listening to your headphones. Not continuing what you heard on the radio as you walk through the parking lot. Not in the supermarket. Not in the elevators. Not at work.

Not ever.

Unless you, personally, are giving a concert, do not sing out loud in public. Ever.

You’re not that good at it, and even if you are, chances are people STILL don’t want to hear it.

Thank you,
Everyone else

Feel free to distribute as needed,
TJ

Posted in I think | 7 Comments »

Chopchopchop

I think, or at least, I am beginning to think, that long hair might not be so much for adults as it is for little girls. Aside from the fact that it’s extremely difficult to acheive any kind of polished look when your hair basically thinks for itself, and usually isn’t thinking very nice, cooperative thoughts, and there’s enough of it that you know that it is really just allowing you to co-exist, for the moment, until it gets a whim to make another attempt on your life in the night, yes I said another attempt, it is also very hard to maintain dignity when, twice a day, you find yourself shrieking “Ahhhh what touched my butt! Oh, my hair. Ok.”

However, I would not be able to say “Hi, I’m Mr. TJ, and this is my demonic ponytail” without my demonic ponytail. And really, my fans… ok, ok, FAN… demands it.

Text message from Boomer, who has been with me through 4 years and two blogs: You suck, even though you wear a ponytail like you invented it.

And then, I come in to work today to find this, from Bobthegoat: I used my EPIC photoshop skills to edit this… see if you can spot the change.

The ponytail stays, I suppose… for now.

Posted in I think | 18 Comments »

Someone get me an appointment with HR.

I think that there should be some kind of mid-level sick day. You know, for when you’re just getting sick, or just getting over being sick.

I didn’t feel well for most of yesterday, and crashed pretty hard when I got home last night. I woke up with a headache which is never a good sign, but showered and went into work anyway. About 30 minutes after I got there, when I was wavering on whether or not I made a good choice, a co-worker said “Wow, you just went really pale all of a sudden,” and I pretty much decided I had to come home.

But here’s the thing – I slept well last night, I’m not tired. I feel generally icky, but it’s hard to tell if it’s just an off day, or if I’m getting sick, or what’s going on, and I’ll just end up sitting at my computer here at home instead of at work, which seems silly.

Now, if I had some kind of mid-level sick day I could use, I could still be at work, and productive. I think that for these days, you should be allowed to wear sweatpants or your pajamas of choice, and talking to you should be kept to a minimum.

If I just could have put on sweatpants (which I did as soon as I got home), I totally would have been fine at work all day.

It’s a skrillion dollar idea. Gonna revolutionize the corporate lifestyle.

Posted in I think | 14 Comments »

You should not be allowed options.

I think, if you want me to take you, or your request, or your situation even a LITTLE bit seriously, especially at work, you should not send me emails written in Comic Sans.

Instant loss of any kind of credibility.

PS – What is this, 1998?

Posted in I think | 21 Comments »

I’ll still catch you!

I think you people who weave in and out of traffic as fast as you can on my drive in to work are silly.

Maybe if I still took the highway to work, I’d understand you saving those valuable seconds at the cost of your fuel efficiency, but I take back roads now.

And every time you weave past me, I catch up to you and wave at the next light. Why do you do that!

Posted in I think, NaBloPoMo | 6 Comments »

Making me laugh is easy.

I think that ending random sentences or speeches with “Up yours.” is just about one of the funniest things anyone can do, ever.

Posted in I think | 19 Comments »