2. There are still spots open for The Blathering! (This is my roommate. We’re both sadly excited to spend depressing awesome nights away from our babies. We’re looking forward to sleeping. It’s going to rule. In a bummer kind of way.) Why don’t you come to The Blathering? If you don’t want to go because you don’t do bars and karaoke and nightlife and cocktail dresses, that’s not a good reason. I’m shooting down your reason. I don’t do those things. I’ll bring Settlers of Catan for us. Looks like I’ve poked some holes in your defense. See you there.

Unless you do like to go out for drinks and dancing and ride mechanical bulls. Then guess what? That stuff will be happening, too. Looks like you’re SOL on reasons for not going to The Blathering.

3. People ask me a lot where I find all of my in law stories to read and be outraged about, and I will tell you my trick. Find a really active set of forums somewhere – any kind, but ideally some that cater to ladies, for the most part. Wedding forums, or pregnancy forums, or really, anything. Then just do a search on one of the included message boards for “MIL.”

Baby name forum?
“MY MOTHER IN LAW WANTS TO NAME MY BABY.”

Wedding forum?
“MY MOTHER IN LAW CANCELLED MY CATERER AND REPLACED IT WITH LONG SANDWICHES.”

Pregnancy forum?
“MY MOTHER IN LAW BURST INTO THE DELIVERY ROOM AND CHECKED TO SEE IF I WAS DILATED.”

Anything. Anything at all. Any kind of topic. Whatever you can think of, there’s a forum for it. And if there’s a forum for it, there’s someone talking about how their in laws RUINED IT.

A current favorite, though? Grandparents.com. It’s got parents-in-law AND children-in-law on the SAME MESSAGE BOARDS. It’s GLORIOUS.

4. Here’s my baby:

She’ll be moving in to her own room sometime in the next few… a while. My mom is coming to visit and we’re going to work on putting together her room, both because I need something to do other than pretend to be totally into it when my mom wants to stand around and gush about Penny (not a gusher, myself) and also because Phil is not especially interested in baby bedroom creation.

We’re doing a floor bed. I think we have pretty good reasons for choosing the do a floor bed, the main one being that we won’t have to buy a crib. Second main, I guess, is all the benefits of and reasoning behind doing a floor bed make logical sense to us.  I haven’t yet decided if we’ll do a crib mattress or toddler bed mattress for the floor bed, or just go ahead with an adult twin. If you’ve done a floor bed, what did you go with? Any tips? I’m kind of nervous about where to put it in the room. I don’t want her to roll between it and the wall, but will she be heavy enough to really wedge it away from the wall with her body? I’ve never seen a picture of a room with a floor bed in any place but a corner, so I assume it works out.

Any first hand floor bed experience is greatly appreciated.

5. With all the cloth diapering and the floor bedding and the intent to skip rice cereal and purees and instead follow a baby-led weaning style of introducing solid foods, sometimes I feel like I might be turning into a hippy. I mean, if someone had told me they were doing all of those things, before I had my own kid, I’d definitely think they were kind of a hippy, in a harmless way.

But all of these things, when I’ve looked into them, have just really made logical sense for us. Note how I’ve italicized selectively so that the wild Internet understands that our choices have absolutely nothing to do with their choices in any way. Anyway, is this how people become hippies? I thought you started out hippy and made your choices based on levels of crunchiness (which, by the way, I HATE – I mean, the word crunchy used as a descriptor for these types of things, mainly because I think it’s stupid). But maybe the road to being a hippy is paved with adorable cloth diapers and floor beds.

For me, though, I think what it actually comes down to is that I hate spending money on things I don’t like or personally need. I don’t need a crib, thus, floor bed. I don’t eat baby food, therefore, Penny can eat what we eat and like it. I don’t wear diapers, so… okay, I like the diapers. So I spend money on them. THEORY HOLDS UP. Not hippy, just cheap.

6. Also my baby:

7. Your opinion requested, but not a reality, rational, or fact-based opinion. A FEEEEELING opinion.

We got two cast iron enameled casseroles as generous and lovely wedding gifts. I loved them. Okay, actually? I loved that I owned them, because they made me feel like a lady who might some day make something that would require that very specific type of cooking vessel, instead of just dragging out the biggest pan I can find and using it for everything. And one time? I used them both to make soup, because I am a lifelong container misjudger and started with the small one and moved to the big one.

But Arizona isn’t really a place where you make a lot of soup, or make anything that needs to sit in a very heavy pot in a very hot oven for a very long time. I guess other people probably do, but I don’t. So, in the time I have owned them, I really haven’t used them too much.

Reading Princess Nebraska the other day, I found out that they have been recalled, because the enamel can crack and send BURNING HOT SHARDS flying at you. So, I can take them into Macy’s for a full refund, in the form of store credit, I believe.

Since they were gifts for the wedding, I feel obligated to replace them with something similar, since the givers intended for me to have cast iron enameled pot thingies, and had chosen them off my registry, in fact, where I had CHOSEN THEM FIRST, myself. So I should take them back and replace them with other heavy pots, even though I didn’t use them too much. Because maybe someday we’ll move somewhere cold (PROBABLY NOT, WE’LL BE IN ARIZONA FOREEEEVVVEEERRRRR) and I will need them. Maybe I will grow into a lady who uses those kind of pots, just like I grew into a lady who only has 1 out of every 5 or 6 dinners turn out inedible, instead of 1 of every 4 being good, 2 being edible, and 1 going straight into the trash.

Or maybe, I could cut myself a break, and just stick to the spirit of the gift and get something kitchen-related. Sheldon did just eat our good slotted spoon.

But, like I said above, I am going to start working on Penny’s room, and I bet that Macy’s has one or two cute things that we could use. Or I could put it toward her floor bed. But the gift givers did not BUY Penny a present, they bought presents for Phil and I. They didn’t know about Penny (or that Penny was 10 weeks underway at the wedding). But Penny-room-items are what we need, though at the time of the wedding, we DID specifically request, via registry, these pots that I actually never use.

So. Internet. If you end up having to return a gift, do you feel (note – FEEL – because I KNOW I can do whatever the hell I want) obligated to replace it with something similar? Would the fact that it was a gift from a registry that YOU CREATED, thus something you SPECIFCALLY ASKED FOR, have any effect on your response?

Understand that I will absolutely do whatever the hell I want when the time comes. I just want to know if anyone else has ridiculous feelings of obligation tied into the whole gift return/exhange business, and since I am the most average girl in the world, I AM SURE YOU DO.

Should I live in fear of someone coming over and saying, “Hey, where’s that 2.5 quart casserole in cobalt blue that I got for your wedding? I’d love to SEE IT!”

Even better, do you have any stories about awkward gift returns? Have you ever gotten something so awful/tacky (my pots were neither, I’m just EXPANDING) that you had to immediately return, donate or throw it away? Has anyone ever come over and asked to SEE the gift that you returned/donated/threw away? OH GOD, WHAT DID YOU EVEN SAY?

You guys.

Normally I would just share this in my feed reader, but you know what, it’s Friday, and I really don’t trust you guys to click on the links I put over there for your on the right.

Seriously, are any of you clicking on those at ALL? What is it? Is it that you’re lazy, or you just don’t trust my judgment about what you should read? Because I’m lazy, so I can get behind it if it’s that you’re just too lazy to click over and read the items I carefully select for you each day. I mean, I think it’s a crock of shit, but I can get behind it if that’s how you want to be. But not trusting my judgment? Come on, don’t be such ass candles.

I have something amazing to link for you today.

When I do link it for you, I want you to do me a favor and go ahead and click.

I’m linking this to you because I’m a giver. I COULD just have left it over there in the shared articles section, but I wouldn’t want you to have to STRAIN YOUR EYES by shifting them slightly to the right. And the way I phrase it! I let you FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF by doing something as simple as CLICKING, acting like you’re granting me some huge boon.

WELL, YOU’RE NOT.

I am the one who is doing YOU a favor.

ME. FAVOR. YOU.

Not the other way around.

Anyway.

Anyway.

Wind up your good clicking finger and do me a favor and click over and read this post by Steam Me Up, Kid.

If you haven’t clicked yet, if you’re still hesitant about my good judgment, if you think I would send you down some black hole of Internet suckitude (I only do that on Twitter), then here is a little taste to prove JUST HOW WRONG YOU ARE about me, Internet.

Me: Mom. The seam of your pants appears to have violently bisected your vagina. You are strangling your labia. Please, just adjust your junk. Tuck in, or shift the seam over and ride sidesaddle for a bit. I’ll even do it for you if you gimme a sec, I think I can find some sort of utensil, like tweezers or something, for discretion.

Seriously.

Steam Me Up, Kid. You want to go to there. Now.

Well? Right after that? I GOT A MEDAL.

And then I got ANOTHER ONE.

And then someone drew me a picture.

And then someone DREW ME ANOTHER ONE.

AND? You (both the collective you and the person who took the picture) probably thought I forgot about it, but I ALSO got a new “Hi TJ!” picture.

Let me rewind back to the start, I got all wound up when I started thinking about all of the awesome stuff I’ve gotten so far this year that I got ahead of me.

First, after I complained about not ever getting a medal (ok, ok, it was here, in the Delurking Day post), a commenter named Mary went OUT OF HER WAY to give me a medal, and on top of that, she awarded it to me on what is one of the most hilarious things I have ever written (in my mind, at least, and if I have learned anything over these last almost-three years, it’s that very often, what is funny in my mind is not only not funny to you, but also, not even remotely understandable). So, I’m basically considering this one a double award – partly for that hilarious post and partly for overall awesomeness. I’m going to put it in my sidebar with a header that says “Awarded by Mary for both specific hilarity and overall funniness.” Mary, if that’s not what you meant by it, speak up now, but I warn you, I’m probably going to pretend I have sudden onset sporadic deafness and do what I want anyway.

Right after that, I got ANOTHER medal, from Postrank.com. It’s kind of confusing, and even though the PostRank people were nice enough to try to explain it to me, I still don’t really totally understand it but HOORAY FOR ME ANYWAY! So here is a link to PostRank’s Top Blogs of 2009, and do you know who was one of them? ME. I WAS ONE OF THEM. Specifically, I can now say that for 2009, I was the most ENGAGING TWENTY-SOMETHING on the WHOLE INTERNET. You can read about engagement as it applies to blogs here, but the important thing is? MEDAL. FOR ME.

Moving on, I know I already showed you this one once, but it’s on my mind at the moment because I transferred it to the memory card of my camera so that I could print it out so I could HANG IT IN MY HOUSE, but the stupid Kodak thing refused to recognize it because it was in .png format so I couldn’t do it that day so I printed ANOTHER picture instead, which I promptly ruined by leaving it on top of the toaster oven while making a reasonably priced and way more delicious generic alternative pop tart. Anyway. Allie at Hyperbole and a Half made this for me:

Doesn’t it really capture his Wonder?

So then, one time, Awlbiste and I were singing on Twitter. It’s totally possible, believe me. If you follow me on Twitter, you know that I like to sing to and about my dog, and have dragged Awlbiste and several others into the practice. One of the more popular songs was based on Bon Jovi’s Livin’ on a Prayer and included lines about brushing hair, scares, toilet paper squares and bears. The talented Tami Moore had a shining moment of genius inspiration from the carryings on of Awlbiste and I and vanished into her lair, only to reemerge sometime later with the perfect visualization of one of the lines of me & Awlbiste’s first solid gold Twitter hit (I invented that).

Not only does he look like a comfy chair, she captured the essential Brinkley-ness of his BUH-BUH-BUH BRINKLEY FACE BUH-BUH BRINKLEY FACE.

Lastly, I have not, in fact, totally forgotten about the “Hi TJ!” section of this website. Do you know who has forgotten, Internet? Do you KNOW who has forgotten? You have. All of you. All of you, that is, EXCEPT for Allison at The Irregular Goddess.

I don’t think I ever even told the Internet that I want to be Dorothy Zbornak when I grow up. This picture has layers.

Anyway, Internet, I have sat on all of these things for a long time – a shamefully long time in some cases – but here they are now. And you should know that it’s not just awesome people like Mary, Tami, Allie and Allison who are allowed to take some initiative and share their brilliance.

You should totally feel free to give me a medal as well.

Or contribute to the “Hi TJ!” page.

Or draw a picture of my dog.

Or a picture of Dorothy Zbornak.

But it only got bumped to today in the sense that, like, “Wow, wouldn’t it be nice to get that done today?” but in reality I was mentally writing this “OH MY GOD I’M DROWNING IN MY HOUSE” post because you guys, oh my god, I’m drowning in my house.

And I had the best of intentions of writing THAT post, even though my brain was also trying to convince me, while I Swiffered the floor (again) and cleaned the counters (again) and let the dog in and out (again again again AGAIN AGAIN) and hauled the collection of Phil-underpants off the bathroom floor for washing (OH MY GOD AGAIN BECAUSE I SWEAR HE WEARS EIGHT PAIRS A DAY), I was kind of half trying to convince myself that a picture of my counter and me bitching about something Phil did would pass for today’s post (heh, again).

Thankfully, though, from my spot over by the fridge (we haven’t even been here three weeks, how the hell can the fridge need to be cleaned out already, you guys? HOW?), I saw GChat flashing a new message at me.

It was Aunt Becky (that fucking winner**), at whom I flung myself with a desperate ferocity.

Aunt Becky: hi.

TJ: come save me from my house

Aunt Becky: dude. I miss of you.
like for serious.

TJ: I miss the internet
and all of it’s denizens
except the sucky ones
fuck them

Aunt Becky: the Internet is lonesome without you.
what are the sucky ones doing?

TJ: tha’s the thing
I don’t even know

Aunt Becky: bwahahaha.
even better.

TJ: no one fucking told me about this house thing

Aunt Becky: um. they suck?

TJ: it gets dirty and messy?
like, every DAY?

Aunt Becky: um. yes. a lot.
pretty much they’re a lot of work.
I spent probably 2-3 hours a day cleaning.

TJ: I spend most of my day cleaning and arranging and STILL UNPACKING

Aunt Becky: oh yeah. unpacking is the worst.

TJ: and Phil comes home and I’m all dirty and the house still looks like a bomb went off?

Aunt Becky: dude. yes.

TJ: and then our aborable neighbor came over a couple of minutes ago and I was in my fucking pajamas?
and she commented on how we had nice floors and I showed her around and I kept being like
omg
there’s bacon grease on the counter
and I’m in my pajamas

Aunt Becky: yes.

TJ: then we went and looked at HER house
and it was CLEAN
and SMELLED GOOD

Aunt Becky: yes.
well, you just moved in.
no one expects anything from you

TJ: I’ve been plotting my triumphanmt return to the internet, you know?
except no one knows I’m gone
because I try to get a blog post up and tweet now and then
except the people I’m actually friends with

Aunt Becky: bwahahahahaha.
if I don’t post I get angry emails.
ARE YOU OKAY??

TJ: I actually yelled to the computer the other day
I saw two gmail messages flashing from across the room

Aunt Becky: i noticed you weren’t there.

TJ: and I was all
“I’M OVER HERE! I’M IN THE LAUNDRY! I’M WAY IN THE LAUNDRY!”
do you know what is goddamn infuriating?
I wash a pair of Phil’s shorts yestday, right? In the morning.
Yesterday afternoon he changes out of his uniform and puts them on so we could go to our Wednesday commitment.
And then I go this morning to grab some laundry from the bedroom
and there they are

Aunt Becky: bwahahahahahahahahahaha.

TJ: ON THE LAUNDRY PILE
JESUS CHRIST

Aunt Becky: i love you for this.
because no one else gets how annoying it.

TJ: I’m like
the brand new house wife
except the house is brand new, not me

Aunt Becky: um. yeah. it’s kind of overrated.

TJ: and I’m realizing all this shit that everyone but me already knows
like LAUNDRY NEVER ENDS

Aunt Becky: well, you have to learn it.

TJ: and the floor ALWAYS NEEDS TO BE CLEANED

Aunt Becky: yes.
give up the idea of perfection
it’s okay.
not like be SLOBBY
just not PERFECT

TJ: I just haven’t even gotten to a baseline to work from yet
because he still needs to EAT and WEAR CLOTHES every day

Aunt Becky: yeah, well you’re still trying to get it out!

TJ: I want him to just STOP so I can get everything under control
and I want to add a kid to this shit?

Aunt Becky: um. yeah. well. it’s okay.

TJ: I got up this morning and made Phil’s breakfast and I got to eat like, a scrap of egg and half a slice of bacon
and I just now realized I’m shaking and I’m wondering hm, why?
OH YEAH FOOD FOR ME
apparently rearranging the fridge so that cheese doesn’t fly into my face every time I open it isn’t the same as eating
who knew?

Aunt Becky: bwahahahaha.
it gets better.

TJ: haha I hope so

Aunt Becky: it does.

TJ: This is what my kitchen looks like when I make breakfast

Aunt Becky: you get used to it.
your kitchen looks a hell of a lot like mine.
not actually with the bacon

TJ: do you also hate to close cabinet doors?

Aunt Becky: but like the cupboards and stuff.
no.
bwahahahaha

TJ: I walk out of the kitchen and come back and I’m all “WHO THE FUCK OPENED ALL THESE DOORS?”
and I look around the empty house all accusingly

Aunt Becky: bwahahahahaha
I got used to doing that.

TJ: I think I’m just going to use this conversation as a blog post
because I have not the time or the energy

Aunt Becky: you really need to.

TJ: I cleaned the whole kitchen yesterday

Aunt Becky: I’m using an IM conversation I had yesterday for a post tomorrow.

TJ: so now, of course, the living room has turned into like, a crater of dirt and trash

Aunt Becky: but you have to make me look amazing.

TJ: I’ll do my best

Aunt Becky: and add in that I’m wearing my “First Place” shirt
because I am a fucking WINNER**

*conversation devolves into blogger gossip, appropriate blow job to reciprocation ratios and who is or is not a bunghole*

TJ: ANYWAY.

Aunt Becky: ANYWAY.
don’t worry about perfection
it’s not as bad as YOU think, and he’ll barely notice
I mean, I can’t be all “you should end every day with a BJ”
because I don’t.
But low cut tops and pizza.
Lots of pizza.
He won’t even notice if the counters don’t get wiped one day.

And that, Internet, is why Aunt Becky has a Room of Your Own at BlogHer, on the topic of giving advice over the internet.

Her ability to split the difference between too slutty (daily BJs to distract from a cesspool of a house) and just slutty enough (low cut tops in exchange for looking the other way with regard to the dishes in the sink) is UNPARALLELED.

Thing One:

I went dress shopping today, and it was not a total misery, even though my mother started off the day by telling me she liked my shirt but it made me look “heavier than I am.” And then she was shocked when I went to change it. She wasn’t being mean, it just didn’t come out the way she intended (I was wearing a much less fitted shirt than my usual preferences, and she wasn’t used to it, as I am quite set in my “style” ways). There were very few dresses we were flat out displeased with, and from the two shops we went to, I got a much better idea of what I’m looking for – or at least, what I’m not looking for (dropped waists + short legs = a surprisingly dead on impersonation of Toad).

We’ve even got two dresses tied in a dead heat at the moment, with a third not far enough behind to be eliminated. We took pictures of everything, but… I left my camera cord in Arizona.

DO YOU EVEN BELIEVE IT?

(I will be picking up a card reader tomorrow in hopes that I will find a way to get Internet input without Phil having a peek – we’re being quite traditional about all of that.)
Thing Two:

Have you ever read Hyperbole and a Half? If you haven’t, I don’t even know what to say to you. You should probably go over and read it right now, and that should probably convince you to continue. If you need more convincing, you should read this particular post, because if you are at all like me, you will probably be like OH MAN ME TOO and if you’re not at all like me yet you’re still reading my blog, you will still probably laugh REALLY HARD.

And if you’re STILL not convinced?

Look what Allie drew for me:

DO YOU EVEN BELIEVE IT?

You know how we are moving into a whole new house? That is the first art going on our walls, and it will probably be really hard to actually choose a wall for it, so I’m thinking we’ll put one copy above each of Brinkley’s beds (two), so that he knows where they are in the new house and then one copy in the bathroom, because every bathroom needs some classy art, and then one copy in the laundry room to cheer me up when I’m doing laundry! DO YOU EVEN BELIEVE IT!

Anyway, Internet, I wanted to write about dress shopping today, but it seems so pointless without pictures. I hope to write about it tomorrow, with pictures, but I’ll have to work out a way to keep Phil’s prying eyes away. Not that he’s all determined to ruin the surprise or anything, but you know, once you’re banned from something, it becomes much more likely that you will accidentally see it. Suggestions welcome, Internet.

I am not sure how to explain it, but I’m worried I am not trying hard enough. I do study, but I flash forward in my mind to the day they announce the ranks and when my name is not on it I will just be kicking myself for not trying just that little bit more. I just want this so bad and not just for myself, but to help secure my future with TJ and any of our hypothetical children (I’m shooting for twins, cause why not). So these last few days of being ill and just being plain busy have made me very concerned about the looming date. I have made myself a deal though, even though with TJ gone this is going to be even harder, I will not play any form of video game what so ever until after my test. The days leading up to the test will only be filled with study, taking Brinkley to the park, and maybe the TV on, if only to have background noise.

So if I can do this I think I should get a gift of sorts, say either Dragon Age: Origins or Star Trek online. I am not sure which to get, but I think one of them will magically appear that day. Then of course in June when I find out the results of the test and they tell me that I am a new TSgt I think a present of the 52 inch tv variety would be in order. What do you think, Internet?

******

The above was written by Phil, but the Internet should be aware that we already own two quite satisfactorily large televisions and also a bedroom television and there are only two of us and for the love of pete I don’t understand why, if your current television is big enough, you need an even bigger television, especially at the cost of televisions these days, what with all of their bells and whistles and whatnot, and I’m not saying that Phil doesn’t deserve some kind of pat on the back should he pass his exam, but did you not see that he is rewarding himself with a video game for the mere act of taking the exam, and then he’s supposed to get 50 some odd inches of television if he passes it, almost as many inches of television, I might add, as there are inches of his girlfriend, if we’re speaking in terms of height and height only because if you think you’re coming at me with a tape measure to check how many inches of me there are, you have got another think coming, you buttcake and you know what? Forget it. No televisions for anyone, you jerks. — TJ

Hopefully, by next Thursday, I can tell you of the secret plot I am working on, though.

So, Internet, I give you the inaugural edition of LINK TO SOMEONE ELSE THURSDAYS!

ANYWAY. You see how I have the BlogHer ads, and underneath the tall skinny ad, links to other blogs in the BlogHer network? Well, you should check those links out as often as they change, because you will find some awesome stuff.

For example, I recently found Slice of Lemon that way.

I would go on and on about how funny and intelligent and interesting and charming she is, but instead, I give you this small selection from her FAQ Page.

Who is “The Boss” and where did you meet him?

The Boss is my beautiful and charming husband. We met when we were 9 years old and our childhood friendship eventually evolved into a wedding proposal.
We married on July 12, 2008.

I noticed you’re wearing a scarf on your head in your picture in the About This Site section of your Web site. Does that mean you’re a Muslim?

Yup.

Does your husband make you call him “The Boss” because you’re an oppressed Muslim woman who has absolutely no rights?

Yup.

Why in the world would you make a joke like that about Muslim women? It wasn’t funny and I’m offended.

My husband made me do it.

I almost peed, y’all. I almost peed.

Anyway, I’ve got to go inform some people of some developments in my plot, and I almost promised a top secret, deeply coded email to another blogger (that you should also be reading, by the way).

If you are desperate for something that I’ve written (but seriously, I’ve brought two whole other entire bloggers to your attention today, so I really think you’re being kind of uppity and demanding), you can check out this post I wrote on SodaHead about Kim Kardashian and $25 lollipops because WHAT THE HELL?

I can’t wait to tell y’all about my plot!

I wrote a story about someone who lied and blogged about an email he had received – a lie easily discovered. I kind of half-heartedly called him out on it, and let him believe that I bought his shoddy cover story. I was already weary of this dude’s lies. Tired out. Exhausted. No longer giving a crap. This guy lied and lied and lied and lied so much that one day? When he admitted to me that he was a pathological liar? He told me he was in therapy for a liar and was on Step 9 of his recovery, making amends.

Dude LIED about LYING.

Like I said, I was over it. Done with it. But still, affected by it. Why? Because I’d watch him post story after made up story on his blog for his 3 or 4 readers. I knew they were made up, his readers didn’t. His [admittedly very few] readers read his stories and commented and interacted with him based on these stories.

Why would that bother me, you might think? You might use one of these two lines:

1. It’s not like it hurts anyone, or
2. It’s JUST the INTERNET.

First of all, if you believe, TRULY BELIEVE either of those two lines, then this post isn’t for you. These things don’t hurt you, and to you, it IS just the Internet. So for you people, here is a link to a video of Phil singing the Bender song.

For the rest of you, I continue.

Now, if you have known me for any length of time, you know that I have a habit of coming up with elaborate and outlandish theories and principles and manifestos (er, you’ve read the blog, right?) to explain and translate my general world. There’s the silly – like toothbrush theories; the kind of silly but actually extremely sound Tom Hanks Theory of Life (which anyone who has ever spent 5 minutes around me in person has been thoroughly schooled) and then the serious, like today’s.

Though this is lifted almost word for word from an email I wrote a few days ago (if you don’t have a squawky baby, you can ignore that part), I hesitated to post it today because to many, it will be very clear that this was inspired in no small part by Nicole at My Bottle’s Up, and she did post a new explanation tonight.

Obviously, there will likely be a lot more posts and Tweets on this topic in the coming days, as the explanation people were waiting for, or, more accurately, the APOLOGY people were waiting for, didn’t come. Instead, a not so subtle chiding – how dare we believe evidence. While I hesitate to be a bandwagoner, there probably will not ever (I hope) be a more appropriate time to talk about the very real cost of lying to your readers.

*****

I hate lying in blogs. I HATE it.

I know it’s stupid, and I know we’re supposed to all be the bigger people, because “come on, you guys, just let it go. Who is it hurting?” but I HATE lying in blogs and I’m going to tell you WHY, because you have a baby and thus are my captive, because I do not speak in squawks and shrieks and demands, which is totally refreshing when you spend a lot of time around babies.

I hate lying in blogs – no matter how many people say to ignore it and that it’s not hurting anyone  – because it is insulting and arrogant.

When you make up a story and post it in your blog, you are making one of two assumptions:

A) you are smarter than 100% of your readers and can pull off such a lie, and/or

B) you’re so popular and talented that your audience is completely moon-eyed and would either never call you out or is too nuts for you to realize you’re blowing smoke up their asses.

I do not LIKE to be insulted like that. I don’t like to see OTHERS insulted like that. Screw the whole “ugh, it’s just the internet” thing – these are real people making real connections and I don’t care if your lie is about how many people have seen your butt or if it’s as huge as calling out the TSA – when you are revealed as a liar on any scale, trust is broken.

Once you’re a liar, everything you’ve ever said is called into question or reviewed under the pall of your lies. The people who have trusted you ARE wounded and HAVE lost something, may have shared deep and personal things with someone they thought they could believe in, and, internet or not, that BLOWS.

The arrogance and insult to the intelligence of your readers – that’s not “nothing” either. It’s rude and it’s mean and it’s no boon to the community. The actions of one blogger DO reflect on other bloggers – tell me that mommy bloggers aren’t a liiiittle bit more of a joke after the mybottlesup thing.

Basically, what it comes down to is two points:

1. When you lie to your readers, whether it be small or epic, you’re not only telling your readers “I can lie right to your face and get away with it,” but also breaking very real trust.

2. If you are one of the types to drop either of the two lines above, about no one being hurt, or about the transgression not “counting” for as much because this is the Internet, you’re belittling the real feelings and friendships and relationships and partnerships and communities that have grown from so many blogs, as well as blinding yourself to the fact that when one blogger is revealed to be a liar, it reflects poorly on all bloggers. Including, likely, yourself.

*****

Maybe I’ve been blogging too long. A lot of my posts recently seem to be hanging on nostalgia, for the way blogging “used” to be. Maybe I’m too attached to how it “used” to be and not at all in touch with how it now “is.”

Regardless, however, of the state of blogging or the Internet as a whole, lying is and long has been one of the most bold, disrespectful, hurtful and destructive acts any person can engage in. I don’t tolerate it in my real life relationships, so why do I need to look the other way here?

Let’s start with the toilet paper. Now, as we all know, it should go over the top, which is in fact how I have it go. I say “I” because somehow, she has managed to never change it. Not to say that it’s empty, but by some magical force there is always just enough to justify not changing the roll.  I made mention of this the other day and we jokingly argued about if she had ever actually changed the roll. She said she had and I disagreed, but she won the argument. You see, I came into the office from outside and saw her just laughing away. That means she was up to something. So having just talked about this whole thing I immediately checked the bathroom. I found an empty roll with “I did this on purpose” written on the empty cardboard.

The office:  Well, it’s very cramped in here, but it is arranged the best way it can be right now. Unfortunately, with our backs to each other, there are occasions when we bump into each other.  I try to give her as much room as possible; however, she requires more space to feel comfortable than I. For instance, when she is playing Guitar Hero, she faces the TV and that means that I have about 3 inches of space to use my computer. I just try to stay very still and pretend I’m not here, I find that to be the best way. When we move I am so buying her a Lazy Boy recliner and giving her the living room. I think that will be enough space.

Sleeping:  I have never had a space heater before, but that’s exactly what my girlfriend is. Now, as you know, we live in Arizona and it gets rather hot here. I tend to be a bit of a cuddler and that presents a problem when my girlfriend could heat a small home in Alaska, in the winter. So with AC blowing and ceiling fan on, I lay right next to her. I have no idea how long I actually stay like that. But I know when I wake up I am on the other side of the bed with the sheets thrown off.  I will say that the sleeping arrangements are probably more annoying to her. I tend to rock in my sleep, I have always just done it and I have no idea why.  I also apparently snore very badly, that will hopefully be fixed next week when I get a laser shoved in my nose.

Living with someone is all about compromise, but honestly I have not compromised much. Though we are currently in a cramped space, that will change and in a way it’s more romantic. All I have to do is swing my chair around and I can get a hug or a kiss. I may have been teasing a little here, but I would not trade my current situation for anything. TJ is funnier than you can imagine. Her new thing is to take my hat in the morning and run outside when the garage door opens and run back and forth in front of the house, with arms a flailing. It’s about the cutest damn thing in the world.  No matter how stressed I get at work, I know that when I come home I have her there to instantly put a smile on my face. She is funny, we are funny together, and we are happier than you can imagine.

“…remember when I said i was gonna do a guest post?  and you said you’d let me, maybe?  here ya go.”

I think he said that about a hundred years and four days ago, and it finally appears today. So please, enjoy some Boomer (my own trivia: Boomer was the one who encouraged me to inquire whether Amalah still needed a babysitter for one Mr. Noah).

1. The ‘doink doink’ sound on Law & Order, L&O: SVU, L&O: Criminal Intent and L&O: Tylenol PM contains, among other sounds, a recording of monks stomping their feet.  Unrelated: Law & Order is approaching the cult status of Star Trek.  Thank goodness L&O fans leave the house more.
2. Jim Lehrer admitted being boring on The Colbert Report for April 15th, 2009.  America was already watching Adult Swim.
3. She-Ra and He-Man: not just brother and sister…twin brother and sister.
4. Bobby Brown played a doorman in Ghostbusters 2.  I’ve met an inordinate number of people who claim that the Ghostbusters 2 soundtrack was their first cassette or CD.
5. What’s with all the passive-aggressive language these days?  I think it makes you sound weak or like a jackass.  Just say what you want to say.  Because when I respond, and it’s all aggressive and not passive, you’ll wish you had.
6. Not only do I read TJ regularly, I also spend time at The Best Page In The Universe.
7. One time, I bought a package of M&Ms made with extra-large peanuts.  I think they were called M&Ms XXL or something.  In condom terms, the Magnum of M&Ms.  Now I can’t find them anywhere, and I wonder if they even existed.
8. Alton Brown is the franchise player for the Food Network since Emeril left…but thanks to Bobby Flay and Guy Fieri, it’s hard to watch.
9. Last Sunday was the first Easter that I can remember without chocolate.  That’s a tough tradition to break.
10. Tradition is what you do when you can’t think of a better way.
11. Auto-direct-tweets from a marketer or a brand: the most flagrant advertising violation of 2009 so far.
12. Episodes of The Simpsons that feature Lisa Simpson are the worst, because she’s inherently not funny.
13. It wasn’t funny when South Park made fun of Carlos Mencia, because he’s not inherently funny either.  He’s just a nice guy with a few jokes, who appears to have become a comedian at the urging of friends and family.
14. Which is why I’m skeptical if my friends or family tell me I should try something professionally, “because you’d be good at it!”.
15. Food Hacking.  Apparently it’s a real thing.
16. Does anyone else feel induced guilt after reading Post Secret?  Even if the secrets have nothing to do with you?
17. I don’t recommend the E! show “Hot Girls In Scary Places”
18. Let’s all pretend that the “Teabag Protests” were deliberately named.  And that the protesters got away with the most flagrant use of inappropriate slang since Lil Jon introduced us to “skeet skeet”.  It’s more fun that way.
19. This Space For Rent.
20. You might be a good blogger.  I might even read your blog.  But chances are, if you’re a good blogger and you also podcast, your podcast probably sucks and I don’t (and won’t) listen.  If you’re a good blogger, and I don’t read your blog, you should link it in the comments because I need more blogs to read.  But not if you also podcast.