Archive for the ‘Bloggers who aren’t me’ Category
Friday, August 27th, 2010
Oh, you guys.
You guys.
Normally I would just share this in my feed reader, but you know what, it’s Friday, and I really don’t trust you guys to click on the links I put over there for your on the right.
Seriously, are any of you clicking on those at ALL? What is it? Is it that you’re lazy, or you just don’t trust my judgment about what you should read? Because I’m lazy, so I can get behind it if it’s that you’re just too lazy to click over and read the items I carefully select for you each day. I mean, I think it’s a crock of shit, but I can get behind it if that’s how you want to be. But not trusting my judgment? Come on, don’t be such ass candles.
I have something amazing to link for you today.
When I do link it for you, I want you to do me a favor and go ahead and click.
I’m linking this to you because I’m a giver. I COULD just have left it over there in the shared articles section, but I wouldn’t want you to have to STRAIN YOUR EYES by shifting them slightly to the right. And the way I phrase it! I let you FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF by doing something as simple as CLICKING, acting like you’re granting me some huge boon.
WELL, YOU’RE NOT.
I am the one who is doing YOU a favor.
ME. FAVOR. YOU.
Not the other way around.
Anyway.
Anyway.
Wind up your good clicking finger and do me a favor and click over and read this post by Steam Me Up, Kid.
If you haven’t clicked yet, if you’re still hesitant about my good judgment, if you think I would send you down some black hole of Internet suckitude (I only do that on Twitter), then here is a little taste to prove JUST HOW WRONG YOU ARE about me, Internet.
Me: Mom. The seam of your pants appears to have violently bisected your vagina. You are strangling your labia. Please, just adjust your junk. Tuck in, or shift the seam over and ride sidesaddle for a bit. I’ll even do it for you if you gimme a sec, I think I can find some sort of utensil, like tweezers or something, for discretion.
Seriously.
Steam Me Up, Kid. You want to go to there. Now.
Posted in Bloggers who aren't me | 4 Comments »
Friday, April 2nd, 2010
A while ago, like a while ago enough that not only do I not remember exactly when, but I don’t even remember exactly what I said BUT BELIEVE ME I SAID IT, I was complaining about the fact that none of you ever gave me a medal, and that you should totally feel free to do so AT ANY TIME.
Well? Right after that? I GOT A MEDAL.
And then I got ANOTHER ONE.
And then someone drew me a picture.
And then someone DREW ME ANOTHER ONE.
AND? You (both the collective you and the person who took the picture) probably thought I forgot about it, but I ALSO got a new “Hi TJ!” picture.
Let me rewind back to the start, I got all wound up when I started thinking about all of the awesome stuff I’ve gotten so far this year that I got ahead of me.
First, after I complained about not ever getting a medal (ok, ok, it was here, in the Delurking Day post), a commenter named Mary went OUT OF HER WAY to give me a medal, and on top of that, she awarded it to me on what is one of the most hilarious things I have ever written (in my mind, at least, and if I have learned anything over these last almost-three years, it’s that very often, what is funny in my mind is not only not funny to you, but also, not even remotely understandable). So, I’m basically considering this one a double award – partly for that hilarious post and partly for overall awesomeness. I’m going to put it in my sidebar with a header that says “Awarded by Mary for both specific hilarity and overall funniness.” Mary, if that’s not what you meant by it, speak up now, but I warn you, I’m probably going to pretend I have sudden onset sporadic deafness and do what I want anyway.
Right after that, I got ANOTHER medal, from Postrank.com. It’s kind of confusing, and even though the PostRank people were nice enough to try to explain it to me, I still don’t really totally understand it but HOORAY FOR ME ANYWAY! So here is a link to PostRank’s Top Blogs of 2009, and do you know who was one of them? ME. I WAS ONE OF THEM. Specifically, I can now say that for 2009, I was the most ENGAGING TWENTY-SOMETHING on the WHOLE INTERNET. You can read about engagement as it applies to blogs here, but the important thing is? MEDAL. FOR ME.
Moving on, I know I already showed you this one once, but it’s on my mind at the moment because I transferred it to the memory card of my camera so that I could print it out so I could HANG IT IN MY HOUSE, but the stupid Kodak thing refused to recognize it because it was in .png format so I couldn’t do it that day so I printed ANOTHER picture instead, which I promptly ruined by leaving it on top of the toaster oven while making a reasonably priced and way more delicious generic alternative pop tart. Anyway. Allie at Hyperbole and a Half made this for me:
Doesn’t it really capture his Wonder?
So then, one time, Awlbiste and I were singing on Twitter. It’s totally possible, believe me. If you follow me on Twitter, you know that I like to sing to and about my dog, and have dragged Awlbiste and several others into the practice. One of the more popular songs was based on Bon Jovi’s Livin’ on a Prayer and included lines about brushing hair, scares, toilet paper squares and bears. The talented Tami Moore had a shining moment of genius inspiration from the carryings on of Awlbiste and I and vanished into her lair, only to reemerge sometime later with the perfect visualization of one of the lines of me & Awlbiste’s first solid gold Twitter hit (I invented that).
Not only does he look like a comfy chair, she captured the essential Brinkley-ness of his BUH-BUH-BUH BRINKLEY FACE BUH-BUH BRINKLEY FACE.
Lastly, I have not, in fact, totally forgotten about the “Hi TJ!” section of this website. Do you know who has forgotten, Internet? Do you KNOW who has forgotten? You have. All of you. All of you, that is, EXCEPT for Allison at The Irregular Goddess.
I don’t think I ever even told the Internet that I want to be Dorothy Zbornak when I grow up. This picture has layers.
Anyway, Internet, I have sat on all of these things for a long time – a shamefully long time in some cases – but here they are now. And you should know that it’s not just awesome people like Mary, Tami, Allie and Allison who are allowed to take some initiative and share their brilliance.
You should totally feel free to give me a medal as well.
Or contribute to the “Hi TJ!” page.
Or draw a picture of my dog.
Or a picture of Dorothy Zbornak.
Posted in Bloggers who aren't me, daily BS, the blogging thing | 4 Comments »
Thursday, March 25th, 2010
Internet, for today, I had planned to do my usual monthly Cosmo Cliff’s Notes, except that’s actually not true. I actually planned to do that yesterday. And it got bumped today.
But it only got bumped to today in the sense that, like, “Wow, wouldn’t it be nice to get that done today?” but in reality I was mentally writing this “OH MY GOD I’M DROWNING IN MY HOUSE” post because you guys, oh my god, I’m drowning in my house.
And I had the best of intentions of writing THAT post, even though my brain was also trying to convince me, while I Swiffered the floor (again) and cleaned the counters (again) and let the dog in and out (again again again AGAIN AGAIN) and hauled the collection of Phil-underpants off the bathroom floor for washing (OH MY GOD AGAIN BECAUSE I SWEAR HE WEARS EIGHT PAIRS A DAY), I was kind of half trying to convince myself that a picture of my counter and me bitching about something Phil did would pass for today’s post (heh, again).
Thankfully, though, from my spot over by the fridge (we haven’t even been here three weeks, how the hell can the fridge need to be cleaned out already, you guys? HOW?), I saw GChat flashing a new message at me.
It was Aunt Becky (that fucking winner**), at whom I flung myself with a desperate ferocity.
Aunt Becky: hi.
TJ: come save me from my house
Aunt Becky: dude. I miss of you.
like for serious.
TJ: I miss the internet
and all of it’s denizens
except the sucky ones
fuck them
Aunt Becky: the Internet is lonesome without you.
what are the sucky ones doing?
TJ: tha’s the thing
I don’t even know
Aunt Becky: bwahahaha.
even better.
TJ: no one fucking told me about this house thing
Aunt Becky: um. they suck?
TJ: it gets dirty and messy?
like, every DAY?
Aunt Becky: um. yes. a lot.
pretty much they’re a lot of work.
I spent probably 2-3 hours a day cleaning.
TJ: I spend most of my day cleaning and arranging and STILL UNPACKING
Aunt Becky: oh yeah. unpacking is the worst.
TJ: and Phil comes home and I’m all dirty and the house still looks like a bomb went off?
Aunt Becky: dude. yes.
TJ: and then our aborable neighbor came over a couple of minutes ago and I was in my fucking pajamas?
and she commented on how we had nice floors and I showed her around and I kept being like
omg
there’s bacon grease on the counter
and I’m in my pajamas
Aunt Becky: yes.
TJ: then we went and looked at HER house
and it was CLEAN
and SMELLED GOOD
Aunt Becky: yes.
well, you just moved in.
no one expects anything from you
TJ: I’ve been plotting my triumphanmt return to the internet, you know?
except no one knows I’m gone
because I try to get a blog post up and tweet now and then
except the people I’m actually friends with
Aunt Becky: bwahahahahaha.
if I don’t post I get angry emails.
ARE YOU OKAY??
TJ: I actually yelled to the computer the other day
I saw two gmail messages flashing from across the room
Aunt Becky: i noticed you weren’t there.
TJ: and I was all
“I’M OVER HERE! I’M IN THE LAUNDRY! I’M WAY IN THE LAUNDRY!”
do you know what is goddamn infuriating?
I wash a pair of Phil’s shorts yestday, right? In the morning.
Yesterday afternoon he changes out of his uniform and puts them on so we could go to our Wednesday commitment.
And then I go this morning to grab some laundry from the bedroom
and there they are
Aunt Becky: bwahahahahahahahahahaha.
TJ: ON THE LAUNDRY PILE
JESUS CHRIST
Aunt Becky: i love you for this.
because no one else gets how annoying it.
TJ: I’m like
the brand new house wife
except the house is brand new, not me
Aunt Becky: um. yeah. it’s kind of overrated.
TJ: and I’m realizing all this shit that everyone but me already knows
like LAUNDRY NEVER ENDS
Aunt Becky: well, you have to learn it.
TJ: and the floor ALWAYS NEEDS TO BE CLEANED
Aunt Becky: yes.
give up the idea of perfection
it’s okay.
not like be SLOBBY
just not PERFECT
TJ: I just haven’t even gotten to a baseline to work from yet
because he still needs to EAT and WEAR CLOTHES every day
Aunt Becky: yeah, well you’re still trying to get it out!
TJ: I want him to just STOP so I can get everything under control
and I want to add a kid to this shit?
Aunt Becky: um. yeah. well. it’s okay.
TJ: I got up this morning and made Phil’s breakfast and I got to eat like, a scrap of egg and half a slice of bacon
and I just now realized I’m shaking and I’m wondering hm, why?
OH YEAH FOOD FOR ME
apparently rearranging the fridge so that cheese doesn’t fly into my face every time I open it isn’t the same as eating
who knew?
Aunt Becky: bwahahahaha.
it gets better.
TJ: haha I hope so
Aunt Becky: it does.
TJ: This is what my kitchen looks like when I make breakfast
Aunt Becky: you get used to it.
your kitchen looks a hell of a lot like mine.
not actually with the bacon
TJ: do you also hate to close cabinet doors?
Aunt Becky: but like the cupboards and stuff.
no.
bwahahahaha
TJ: I walk out of the kitchen and come back and I’m all “WHO THE FUCK OPENED ALL THESE DOORS?”
and I look around the empty house all accusingly
Aunt Becky: bwahahahahaha
I got used to doing that.
TJ: I think I’m just going to use this conversation as a blog post
because I have not the time or the energy
Aunt Becky: you really need to.
TJ: I cleaned the whole kitchen yesterday
Aunt Becky: I’m using an IM conversation I had yesterday for a post tomorrow.
TJ: so now, of course, the living room has turned into like, a crater of dirt and trash
Aunt Becky: but you have to make me look amazing.
TJ: I’ll do my best
Aunt Becky: and add in that I’m wearing my “First Place” shirt
because I am a fucking WINNER**
*conversation devolves into blogger gossip, appropriate blow job to reciprocation ratios and who is or is not a bunghole*
TJ: ANYWAY.
Aunt Becky: ANYWAY.
don’t worry about perfection
it’s not as bad as YOU think, and he’ll barely notice
I mean, I can’t be all “you should end every day with a BJ”
because I don’t.
But low cut tops and pizza.
Lots of pizza.
He won’t even notice if the counters don’t get wiped one day.
And that, Internet, is why Aunt Becky has a Room of Your Own at BlogHer, on the topic of giving advice over the internet.
Her ability to split the difference between too slutty (daily BJs to distract from a cesspool of a house) and just slutty enough (low cut tops in exchange for looking the other way with regard to the dishes in the sink) is UNPARALLELED.
Posted in Bloggers who aren't me, daily BS | 15 Comments »
Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010
The title of this post, Internet, refers to two things.
Thing One:
I went dress shopping today, and it was not a total misery, even though my mother started off the day by telling me she liked my shirt but it made me look “heavier than I am.” And then she was shocked when I went to change it. She wasn’t being mean, it just didn’t come out the way she intended (I was wearing a much less fitted shirt than my usual preferences, and she wasn’t used to it, as I am quite set in my “style” ways). There were very few dresses we were flat out displeased with, and from the two shops we went to, I got a much better idea of what I’m looking for – or at least, what I’m not looking for (dropped waists + short legs = a surprisingly dead on impersonation of Toad).
We’ve even got two dresses tied in a dead heat at the moment, with a third not far enough behind to be eliminated. We took pictures of everything, but… I left my camera cord in Arizona.
DO YOU EVEN BELIEVE IT?
(I will be picking up a card reader tomorrow in hopes that I will find a way to get Internet input without Phil having a peek – we’re being quite traditional about all of that.)
Thing Two:
Have you ever read Hyperbole and a Half? If you haven’t, I don’t even know what to say to you. You should probably go over and read it right now, and that should probably convince you to continue. If you need more convincing, you should read this particular post, because if you are at all like me, you will probably be like OH MAN ME TOO and if you’re not at all like me yet you’re still reading my blog, you will still probably laugh REALLY HARD.
And if you’re STILL not convinced?
Look what Allie drew for me:
DO YOU EVEN BELIEVE IT?
You know how we are moving into a whole new house? That is the first art going on our walls, and it will probably be really hard to actually choose a wall for it, so I’m thinking we’ll put one copy above each of Brinkley’s beds (two), so that he knows where they are in the new house and then one copy in the bathroom, because every bathroom needs some classy art, and then one copy in the laundry room to cheer me up when I’m doing laundry! DO YOU EVEN BELIEVE IT!
Anyway, Internet, I wanted to write about dress shopping today, but it seems so pointless without pictures. I hope to write about it tomorrow, with pictures, but I’ll have to work out a way to keep Phil’s prying eyes away. Not that he’s all determined to ruin the surprise or anything, but you know, once you’re banned from something, it becomes much more likely that you will accidentally see it. Suggestions welcome, Internet.
Posted in Bloggers who aren't me, Somebody's getting maawwweeed, daily BS | 9 Comments »
Monday, February 1st, 2010
February 16th is a very important day for me this year; I have a test that I really need to pass. I want to be a TSgt, not just because I have been an SSgt for way to long, but also I feel the need to have the next level of responsibility.
I am not sure how to explain it, but I’m worried I am not trying hard enough. I do study, but I flash forward in my mind to the day they announce the ranks and when my name is not on it I will just be kicking myself for not trying just that little bit more. I just want this so bad and not just for myself, but to help secure my future with TJ and any of our hypothetical children (I’m shooting for twins, cause why not). So these last few days of being ill and just being plain busy have made me very concerned about the looming date. I have made myself a deal though, even though with TJ gone this is going to be even harder, I will not play any form of video game what so ever until after my test. The days leading up to the test will only be filled with study, taking Brinkley to the park, and maybe the TV on, if only to have background noise.
So if I can do this I think I should get a gift of sorts, say either Dragon Age: Origins or Star Trek online. I am not sure which to get, but I think one of them will magically appear that day. Then of course in June when I find out the results of the test and they tell me that I am a new TSgt I think a present of the 52 inch tv variety would be in order. What do you think, Internet?
******
The above was written by Phil, but the Internet should be aware that we already own two quite satisfactorily large televisions and also a bedroom television and there are only two of us and for the love of pete I don’t understand why, if your current television is big enough, you need an even bigger television, especially at the cost of televisions these days, what with all of their bells and whistles and whatnot, and I’m not saying that Phil doesn’t deserve some kind of pat on the back should he pass his exam, but did you not see that he is rewarding himself with a video game for the mere act of taking the exam, and then he’s supposed to get 50 some odd inches of television if he passes it, almost as many inches of television, I might add, as there are inches of his girlfriend, if we’re speaking in terms of height and height only because if you think you’re coming at me with a tape measure to check how many inches of me there are, you have got another think coming, you buttcake and you know what? Forget it. No televisions for anyone, you jerks. — TJ
Posted in Bloggers who aren't me, daily BS | 59 Comments »
Thursday, January 21st, 2010
Hey, Internet, I’m instituting a new series of posts called “Link to Someone Else Thursdays,” because I found a new blog I like, I’m working on a plot so I’m really busy right now, and it’s Thursday. This series may or may not continue to other Thursdays. It depends on how busy I am next Thursday.
Hopefully, by next Thursday, I can tell you of the secret plot I am working on, though.
So, Internet, I give you the inaugural edition of LINK TO SOMEONE ELSE THURSDAYS!
ANYWAY. You see how I have the BlogHer ads, and underneath the tall skinny ad, links to other blogs in the BlogHer network? Well, you should check those links out as often as they change, because you will find some awesome stuff.
For example, I recently found Slice of Lemon that way.
I would go on and on about how funny and intelligent and interesting and charming she is, but instead, I give you this small selection from her FAQ Page.
Who is “The Boss” and where did you meet him?
The Boss is my beautiful and charming husband. We met when we were 9 years old and our childhood friendship eventually evolved into a wedding proposal.
We married on July 12, 2008.
I noticed you’re wearing a scarf on your head in your picture in the About This Site section of your Web site. Does that mean you’re a Muslim?
Yup.
Does your husband make you call him “The Boss” because you’re an oppressed Muslim woman who has absolutely no rights?
Yup.
Why in the world would you make a joke like that about Muslim women? It wasn’t funny and I’m offended.
My husband made me do it.
I almost peed, y’all. I almost peed.
Anyway, I’ve got to go inform some people of some developments in my plot, and I almost promised a top secret, deeply coded email to another blogger (that you should also be reading, by the way).
If you are desperate for something that I’ve written (but seriously, I’ve brought two whole other entire bloggers to your attention today, so I really think you’re being kind of uppity and demanding), you can check out this post I wrote on SodaHead about Kim Kardashian and $25 lollipops because WHAT THE HELL?
I can’t wait to tell y’all about my plot!
Posted in Bloggers who aren't me, the blogging thing | 3 Comments »
Monday, October 26th, 2009
A while back, I talked about your credibility as a blogger, and one of the ways you could hurt it.
I wrote a story about someone who lied and blogged about an email he had received – a lie easily discovered. I kind of half-heartedly called him out on it, and let him believe that I bought his shoddy cover story. I was already weary of this dude’s lies. Tired out. Exhausted. No longer giving a crap. This guy lied and lied and lied and lied so much that one day? When he admitted to me that he was a pathological liar? He told me he was in therapy for a liar and was on Step 9 of his recovery, making amends.
Dude LIED about LYING.
Like I said, I was over it. Done with it. But still, affected by it. Why? Because I’d watch him post story after made up story on his blog for his 3 or 4 readers. I knew they were made up, his readers didn’t. His [admittedly very few] readers read his stories and commented and interacted with him based on these stories.
Why would that bother me, you might think? You might use one of these two lines:
1. It’s not like it hurts anyone, or
2. It’s JUST the INTERNET.
First of all, if you believe, TRULY BELIEVE either of those two lines, then this post isn’t for you. These things don’t hurt you, and to you, it IS just the Internet. So for you people, here is a link to a video of Phil singing the Bender song.
For the rest of you, I continue.
Now, if you have known me for any length of time, you know that I have a habit of coming up with elaborate and outlandish theories and principles and manifestos (er, you’ve read the blog, right?) to explain and translate my general world. There’s the silly – like toothbrush theories; the kind of silly but actually extremely sound Tom Hanks Theory of Life (which anyone who has ever spent 5 minutes around me in person has been thoroughly schooled) and then the serious, like today’s.
Though this is lifted almost word for word from an email I wrote a few days ago (if you don’t have a squawky baby, you can ignore that part), I hesitated to post it today because to many, it will be very clear that this was inspired in no small part by Nicole at My Bottle’s Up, and she did post a new explanation tonight.
Obviously, there will likely be a lot more posts and Tweets on this topic in the coming days, as the explanation people were waiting for, or, more accurately, the APOLOGY people were waiting for, didn’t come. Instead, a not so subtle chiding – how dare we believe evidence. While I hesitate to be a bandwagoner, there probably will not ever (I hope) be a more appropriate time to talk about the very real cost of lying to your readers.
*****
I hate lying in blogs. I HATE it.
I know it’s stupid, and I know we’re supposed to all be the bigger people, because “come on, you guys, just let it go. Who is it hurting?” but I HATE lying in blogs and I’m going to tell you WHY, because you have a baby and thus are my captive, because I do not speak in squawks and shrieks and demands, which is totally refreshing when you spend a lot of time around babies.
I hate lying in blogs – no matter how many people say to ignore it and that it’s not hurting anyone – because it is insulting and arrogant.
When you make up a story and post it in your blog, you are making one of two assumptions:
A) you are smarter than 100% of your readers and can pull off such a lie, and/or
B) you’re so popular and talented that your audience is completely moon-eyed and would either never call you out or is too nuts for you to realize you’re blowing smoke up their asses.
I do not LIKE to be insulted like that. I don’t like to see OTHERS insulted like that. Screw the whole “ugh, it’s just the internet” thing – these are real people making real connections and I don’t care if your lie is about how many people have seen your butt or if it’s as huge as calling out the TSA – when you are revealed as a liar on any scale, trust is broken.
Once you’re a liar, everything you’ve ever said is called into question or reviewed under the pall of your lies. The people who have trusted you ARE wounded and HAVE lost something, may have shared deep and personal things with someone they thought they could believe in, and, internet or not, that BLOWS.
The arrogance and insult to the intelligence of your readers – that’s not “nothing” either. It’s rude and it’s mean and it’s no boon to the community. The actions of one blogger DO reflect on other bloggers – tell me that mommy bloggers aren’t a liiiittle bit more of a joke after the mybottlesup thing.
Basically, what it comes down to is two points:
1. When you lie to your readers, whether it be small or epic, you’re not only telling your readers “I can lie right to your face and get away with it,” but also breaking very real trust.
2. If you are one of the types to drop either of the two lines above, about no one being hurt, or about the transgression not “counting” for as much because this is the Internet, you’re belittling the real feelings and friendships and relationships and partnerships and communities that have grown from so many blogs, as well as blinding yourself to the fact that when one blogger is revealed to be a liar, it reflects poorly on all bloggers. Including, likely, yourself.
*****
Maybe I’ve been blogging too long. A lot of my posts recently seem to be hanging on nostalgia, for the way blogging “used” to be. Maybe I’m too attached to how it “used” to be and not at all in touch with how it now “is.”
Regardless, however, of the state of blogging or the Internet as a whole, lying is and long has been one of the most bold, disrespectful, hurtful and destructive acts any person can engage in. I don’t tolerate it in my real life relationships, so why do I need to look the other way here?
Posted in Bloggers who aren't me, the blogging thing | 37 Comments »
