Archive for the ‘the blogging thing’ Category
Tuesday, August 10th, 2010
No matter how strange of a topic I come up with for this blog (see – Settle This posts), there is always at least one someone – usually several someones – who have experienced the same thing, or have thought the same thing, or feel the same way as I do about whatever ridiculous minutae I have decided to discuss that day. It’s pretty rare that I feel at all isolated – when it comes to blogging, at least.
However, while details and random thoughts are one thing, overall topic and lifestyle and life situations are a completely different animal. I think that there was a time in the history of this blog – or maybe two or even three times – when I was significantly more relatable than I am now.
Now, a lot of the blogs I like to read are those of women with children, but that’s certainly not the only kind of blog out there by a long shot. There were plenty of blogs out there in the same situation as I was at different points in my life.
There was the time at the start of this blog, when I worked at an accounting firm, and was extremely busy at certain points of the year. Plenty of bloggers – lots, really – work at full time jobs outside the home, and are often busy to the point of insanity.
Or when I was playing World of Warcraft a lot more often. There are always about four skrillion people within shouting distance willing to talk about World of Warcraft.
Or when I had a really, really terrible job. I think a whole lot of people find that to be reasonably relatable. Especially now, where people feel like they have to stick with the job they have rather than take the risk of not being able to find something else.
Of course, I was also in a long distance relationship for a while there, and the Internet is full of people who have been in the same situation, or who are in the same situation, or who have come out the other side of such a situation.
But now, I don’t work in an office – terrible or busy or otherwise. I still don’t have any kids. I don’t play WoW at all anymore – I actually cancelled my account for the first time since 2005 a few months back. The longest-distance my relationship gets right now is when I’m at home and he’s at work, and even then, we’re still on the same Air Force base all day long.
I think that a whole bunch of posts on this site have shown that no matter how strange something you think about or feel might be, there area metric asston of people who will pop up out of nowhere to say, “Hey, me, too!” And there are also blogs on just about every subject and niche and lifestyle that you could imagine.
So tell me, Internet – where are the stay at home dog owner bloggers? Or the bloggers who are extremely disturbed by changes to their Sabrina the Teenage Witch – Full House – Grounded for Life midday sitcom schedule? The bloggers who don’t post a lot of pictures because there’s just not all that much in the house to take a picture of?
I have been able to find people who agree with me on The Peak of the Banana, drawn out there freakishly even-sided camps of tooth brushing, and raised hives on word-nerds all over. If there are people who share banana thoughts and toothbrush thoughts with me, there has to be at least a few Little House-watching, dog fight-breaker-upper, generic pop tart-eating bloggers out there somewhere.
And if not? I shall corner the niche. The keywords will be… “Stefano DiMera,” “Nature’s Miracle cleanser,” and… “Temerity Jane.” Because it’s my niche.
Posted in the blogging thing | 30 Comments »
Monday, August 9th, 2010
Expectant Stares
1. I think that, if you’ve been reading this blog long enough, you know that I drink a lot of diet soda. I don’t make any secret of it, or any apologies for it, or do that fake thing where I also tell you how much water I drink or how healthy I am otherwise because, well, those would be lies and I pride myself on not telling the Internet lies.
As much as the Internet enjoys telling other Internet people what to do, and as much as the Internet likes inserting their opinion whether it is requested or not, I have really only had one or two negative comments on how much diet soda I drink. At least, I have only had one or two negative comments from the Internet about how much diet soda I drink. As shocking as it may seem at times, the Internet is not the only entity in my life. While I was in Pennsylvania, just about every member of my immediate family (aside from my brother) made a comment along the lines of, “You drink a lot of diet soda, you know.”
Not a question. Just, “You know, you drink a lot of diet soda,” with an expectant stare.
What the hell am I supposed to say to that? “Yes. Yes, I do.” or “OH MY GOD I HADN’T NOTICED!” Seriously. I’ve had similar comments, very occasionally, from the Internet – stuff like, “You know, drinking that much diet soda isn’t good for you.”
NO! ARE YOU CERTAIN?
Of course, as a former smoker, I experienced the same kind of thing down that avenue a lot, as well. “You know, you really shouldn’t smoke.” I get that people are concerned, formerly about my smoking and now about my diet soda intake, but what the hell kind of response are you expecting from a grown adult?
“You know, you drink a lot of diet soda.”
“I… don’t know what you want me to say to that.”
Seriously, if you are one of these well meaning, state the obvious types, what are you expecting in response to something like that? On the other side of it, if you are a person who is often on the LISTENING end of the obvious statement and expectant stare, what the hell do you say back in response?
I imagine mothers/parents in general get comments along the same lines. Not questions. Not advice. Just statements and stares. “I see that you’re feeding your baby _________.” Or, “You know, you hold your baby a lot.”
EXPECTANT STARE.
Is something happening? Don’t worry, I won’t let you forget it happened to me once, too, only better or more dramatically.
2. This is something I – and you too, am I sure – notice around the blog world all the time, with varying levels of severity depending on the culprit, and what happens to be going on at the time. Allow me to paraphrase what this aggravation normally looks like:
“There is some major event/happening/excitement/tragedy/hoopla/or miscellaneous to do going on in the blog world. As someone who has at one point been involved with this type of major event/happening/excitement/tragedy/hoopla/or miscellaneous to do, I feel like I need to comment. It bothers me that I am not the one at the center of this major event/happening/excitement/tragedy/hoopla/or miscellaneous to do, because I base a lot of my blog-existence on being someone who is usually or was once involved in a major event/happening/excitement/tragedy/hoopla/or miscellaneous to do. Therefore, I am going to do my damnedest to make this particular major event/happening/excitement/tragedy/hoopla/or miscellaneous to do all about me somehow, even if it is not remotely, in any way, even slightly about me.”
Ok, ok, so maybe that isn’t clear. But if you’ve seen what I’m talking about, you know what I’m talking about. It drives me insane. Sometimes, someone has a thing happen. It could be a good thing, or a bad thing, or a neutral thing, but it is undeniably a thing. It is usually a thing that is similar to a thing that has happened to someone else at some point in the past, as there are only so many things to go around. It is frustrating to watch when the past thing-hapennee can not just throw their support behind the current thing-hapennee, but must instead very transparently attempt to claw some of the spotlight back to him or herself.
While I may have one or two specific people in mind at the moment, it’s an ever-changing parade. If you’ve been around for a long time, you remember several bloggers clamoring for the title of “The one who lost her job because of blogging.” From then on, whenever someone lost their job due to blogging, there would be a great ruckus as numerous people claimed to be “the original.” A bad example, of course, because that was all eight hundred years ago, and one would think the title-holder would be quite obvious, but you get my drift. Anna referred to these kinds of things as “events” and some people have had them in a genuine way, while others have attempted to manufacture an event, and a small portion of both of those groups have a Venn-diagram-esque overlap entitled, “distastefully transparent refusal to share their self-designated spotlight.”
Anyway, Internet, what are your two most recent, completely unrelated aggravations?
Posted in daily BS, the blogging thing | 45 Comments »
Monday, July 12th, 2010
As much as I like blogging, and as much as I like reading a really good blog post, what really keeps me entertained in the whole blog-realm-world-sphere-dumbbuzzwordthatnooneactuallyuses is a really good comment thread.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Of course I enjoy a good blog post as well. When I’m scrolling through my reader and come across a really good post, or something I find hilarious, or something totally interesting, I usually hit the share button, which, you know, shares the article. If you follow me in Google Reader, you see those, but if you don’t, the most recent shared items pop up in the far right sidebar as well. You should read those things.
Sometimes, though, when I’m reading a post, I just know that the post is going to generate some really awesome comments, whether in discussion form or people sharing their experiences or anecdotes. This happens on personal blogs and other types of blogs, and when I come across one of those, I usually open the post in a new tab for later. I often end up with a number of tabs that stay open for days, while I alternate back and forth to different blogs, taking my time to read through every single comment. Every single comment.
I think I deliberately angle a lot of my blog posts to generate these kinds of comment threads, because like I have said over and over again, when something suddenly dawns on me, or I have a weird thought process about something or a certain way of doing something, I am certain that I am not unique in my strangeness and always bring it to the Internet for confirmation, commiseration, and equally ridiculous thought processes. You guys pretty much never fail to deliver in comment form. Notice I said “pretty much never.” Sometimes you do, and, I’ve got to be honest, that’s pretty disappointing, guys.
Anyway, I thought I would share with you some of my most favorite recent comment threads. Again, don’t get me wrong – I love good blog writing but good blog writing is easy to find. Now, landing yourself right in the middle of an excellent comment thread – that is not as common.
- In this post on Jonniker’s blog, she talks about some astoundingly rude encounters. Seriously, the two examples she gives are just… I don’t even know. I double cringed, once for those involved on each end of the rudeness. But the comment thread, you guys. THE COMMENT THREAD. Unbelievable. I read every single once, and I just noticed while grabbing the link that the comments have expanded since I last read them and will be leaving that tab open so I can thrash with sympathy/agony over the rest of them.
- Ok, so this is old and it IS my own blog, but it’s my blog and I can link to my own blog on my blog if I want to, and if you haven’t read the comments on the WINCEABLE! thread, you are in for either a treat or hives, depending on how seriously you take this kind of thing
- Just the other day on MetaFilter - You were doing it wrong. Very simple premise – what have you spent large portions of your life doing wrong? Some of them are really funny, because how could anyone ever think or do that? But others, you will find yourself totally agreeing with. The whole thread is fantastic.
Anyway, Internet, those are just a few of the comment threads that had me reading every single comment, and, I think, a good selection of examples of how a good post is not always so much about the post itself, but about the responses that come from it. Also, basically, this is a thinly veiled plot to get you to direct me toward some awesome comment threads, because they are like crack to me and I need you to feed my habit. Have you found any engrossing comment threads recently?
Posted in the blogging thing | 8 Comments »
Wednesday, June 23rd, 2010
You know what is a good idea when you can’t think of anything to post? Take one of your old topics, except rework it to relate to blogging. WALLA.
Anyway, remember a while back when I wrote about how unbearable it is to see other people be embarrassed or do embarrassing things? Miss Zoot also wrote a super excellent post on the subject of embarrassment pillows, which is a completely brilliant idea and if she was to start to produce them, I would be first in line to buy one to match every piece of furniture in my home. Well, I was reminded of both of those posts the other day, when I read a guest post on Dooce, written by Sarah.
Most especially, this part stood out to me as absolutely perfect, perfect in that my eyes squeezed almost shut and I kind of curled my shoulders in a little just THINKING about what an uncomfortable situation this is for all involved and witnessing:
This means when someone in real life bursts into unaccompanied song somewhere in public where no one else is singing, and they don’t expect you to laugh at them, they expect you to hoot and clap and egg them on.
AMERICA! DO NOT ENCOURAGE THESE PEOPLE! If you behave like it’s okay for someone to break into song at a dive bar because you’re a little drunk and oh why not, I’m in a good mood, sure, I’ll clap, they’re just going to go for a second verse, or start dancing, and then acting annoyed that you want to continue with your conversation instead of hearing their encore.
The rest of the post is equally as wince-inducing, and I suggest you read it if you haven’t yet.
I read it, and I nodded along to everything listed, and I wondered, once again, how people can be SO OBLIVIOUS to how their behavior is received at times, and I started thinking again about all of the different stuff that I can’t stand to see or watch, like how horrified I would be if I actually saw someone be reprimanded for taking a second soda, and how I would internally DIE – at least a kidney or a lung or something else that I had two of – on their behalf. There are a lot of those things, of course, but over the last day or two, I realized that there are some that are associated specifically with blogging.
When I see these things pop up in my feed reader, I almost have to read them with my hand over my eyes, peeking through my fingers. I can’t look at the comments, because what if someone has voiced my thoughts and made it a double cringe? And you’d think with blogging being such a creative process that new and different ways to make people wince away from the screen would be created all the time, but there are these two, these two types of blog posts, that keep happening over and over and over again.
First? Whenever someone who doesn’t usually write poetry or do anything especially artistic or creative (outside of blogging itself) suddenly decides that what they want to say that day is best expressed through poetry.
Except they don’t actually seem
to know what makes
a poem
a poem
and write an excessively flowery and poorly
punc!
tu!
ated!
sentence with too many line
too many line
too many line breaks.
Oh, god. You guys. I don’t understand what it is that makes normally completely sane bloggers feel that the best way to express certain thoughts is to craft them into trite, overwrought phrases and then scatter them down the page in a fashion that is completely irritating to read. Reading it makes me feel awkward, and I suddenly don’t know what to do with my hands. It’s like a car accident in my feed reader and I can’t stop scrolling down, even knowing that my scrollwheel is not taking me anywhere I want to be. When I’m finished reading a post like that, I ever so gently click on the next feed, my Internet version of tiptoeing away. Like I just accidentally eavesdropped at the crack of the door of a 14 year old girl expressing her most grown up of grown up thoughts into a tape recorder.
Second, and oh man, this is a personal thing, and I know it’s personal, but whenever someone makes a long post – or worse, an entire “about” page – listing all of the ways they’re special and unique and different. Usually it’s listing stuff about how they’re really shy in real life, or how awkward and nerdy they might be, or sometimes, in the case of a female, it’s listing all of the ways she’s not the “typical” female, or, in the case of a man, all the ways he’s not the “typical” guy. A few personality traits the writer considers to be unflattering or rare are thrown in, along with a hobby or interest so unusual that it is completely obvious that it was chosen for inclusion based specifically on how unusual the writer thought others would find it to be.
Reading one of these posts or about pages is my biggest blog-related cringe. It’s a two fold cringe – I wonder if they realize that everything they’ve written as been written and rewritten by the self-declared special people since the dawn of time, and I also cringe at the very act of writing something out to explain to your readers and the world at large how truly unique you really are. Instead of an about page, it should be headed, “I Want You To Notice These Things About Me, Because I Feel That These Specific Traits and Habits Exemplify the Type of Person I Want You to Think That I am and Also That I Truly Want to Be.”
Sometimes I think that the biggest step in “growing up” for me was some time in early college when I realized my own absolute, complete and total averageness. I’m not boring and I’m not plain, but I’m not unique or special to anyone except my parents, as it should be. There are times that I think that if Phil and I do have our hypothetical future child, the biggest favor we could do for him or her would be a constant, gentle and well meaning reminder that while we do indeed think the sun shines out of his ass, we will now, forever and always be the ONLY people to think that.
Someone so convinced of their own charms, their own snowflakeyness or their own completely individual and one of a kind personness that they feel the need to explain it to the blog world, point by point, makes me want to slide into the foot rest of my recliner and never come back out. I want to die from it and I want to die for them.
There’s a distinct possibility that I’m just a total asshole who hates other bloggers and only wants people to like my blog and no one else’s blog, but that’s pretty unlikely. The notion that I am completely average and normal has served me pretty well when it comes to this blog, because I figure that if I’ve thought something or felt something, there is an extremely strong chance that some of you have thought the same or similar. So, for those of you who are avid blog readers like myself, and who are also easily embarrassed on the behalf of other people, and would also be in line right behind me to purchase a Miss Zoot Embarrassment Pillow for All of Your Cringing and Wincing Needs, do you too have any blogging-related cringes to share with the class?
Posted in the blogging thing | 46 Comments »
Friday, May 14th, 2010
Last year on this date, I wrote an entry entitled “The Big Oh-Two,” because last year, on this date, it was the two year anniversary of the first entry on this blog.
In last year’s post, I summed up the entire previous two years.
So, if you read last year’s post, covering the first two years of this blog, and this year’s post, which will cover the whole past year of the blog, you basically are up to speed and don’t need to come back again until May 14th of next year. I appreciate that some of you are efficient like that.
So, as of today, Temerity-Jane.com has been around and in operation for three years. It’s still a minuscule fraction of my blogging life as a whole, but significant nonetheless, when you’re thinking about things in terms of Internet time. Three years in Internet time is basically one skrillion years of normal time.
I spent some time this week going through the entire last year’s worth of posts, trying to figure out what the best post from each month was, because one post per month seemed reasonable, but the problem came up when there was a conflict between what I considered to be my best post for the month and what the Internet considered to be the best post of the month, in terms of reactions and discussion. It’s weird, and I think any blogger would agree, that even after three years on this blog, and one jillion years of blogging in total, it is still just impossible to predict what is going to go over well and what isn’t. Posts I think are great get no attention, while half-assed posts dashed off while I’m running out the door are flooded with comments. You just never know. So, among the twelve months worth of posts are some that you all really liked and might like to revisit, and some that none of you liked, BUT OBVIOUSLY TOTALLY SHOULD HAVE.
In May of last year, I wrote a post called “Reasons My Boyfriend is Awesome.” I chose those post for May because one, it’s all still totally true and two, it gets the second largest amount of search engine traffic on the site. A lot of people are asking Google why their boyfriends are awesome and are ending up finding out why MY boyfriend is awesome. It’s sad, really, because I’m sure that’s lead to all kinds of jealousy issues in others’ relationships. And if you’re wondering, the highest search engine traffic draw is this post about whether or not feet can shrink!
In June, there was “A Very Nerdy Engagement.” Not only was it awesome and assisted by fabulous YA author John Green, but it was also pretty much the only major event of the past year. That’s it. There’s really not much else to see past this point. I basically used up all of my major blogging material one month in to the third year of this blog. Poor life planning on our part, really. Anyway, go read my engagement post again. There’s a video. It’s adorable. Did you know that my first response to the proposal was, “Oh, shit!”? Well, now you do.
In July, I gave the first hint of how much my life was beginning to rotate around the dog in a post about “Reason 872 Why We Won’t Procreate.” From there on, Brinkley would begin to appear more and more, in all of his majesty. You should also note that as convinced as that post my sound, it was less than a month later that I completely changed my mind and decided that being a totally neurotic parent would likely be better than not being a parent at all. Enjoy the sneak peak into the complexes I am sure to inflict upon our hypothetical future child. Oh, by the way, if we have a boy some day, we’re thinking about naming it “Brinkley 2” or “Second Brinkley” or “Lesser Brinkley” or “Backup Brinkley.” What do you think?
In August, I wrote what is probably my most recent and likely my last World of Warcraft post, called “Oh, How the World Has Changed.” It is basically a bunch of cranky old manning (yeah, smooth verbing, high five self and double high five for verbing verb, goddamn, I am awesome) about how quest items didn’t used to sparkle and you couldn’t just walk up and BUY a Dreadsteed. Since I hadn’t been playing much at that point, my outrage continued into the comments. Considering that even that post is now way out of date, it’s funny to look at it now and see how much MORE they managed to dumb down since then.
In September I wrote a post called “The #1 Peril of Blogging,” which has had a serious impact on how I think about blogging and those who comment on blogs every since. The outrage expressed at the idea that not every comment is received with open arms was shocking. There was more than one person who indicated, both on the comments in that post and on Twitter, that they would NEVER COMMENT HERE AGAIN! And to them I say… nothing, because I don’t give a crap. I still freely admit it – some comments are flippin’ irritating. I don’t consider that post to be one of the best I’ve ever written, but I still think about it a lot, and about the differences in attitudes between bloggers and commenters.
In October, I wrote about blogging again, because I never get sick of staring into blogging’s great big navel, but this time I wrote about how lying online really ISN’T DIFFERENT than lying in real life. It was called “Don’t Lie to Me – It’s Not Just the Internet.” A recent event in the blogging world had triggered the post (which, uh, are we all just pretended that’s resolved? Because what the hell?), along with resurfaced annoyance at my self-admitted pathological liar of an ex-boyfriend who told me he was in a TWELVE STEP PROGRAM for lying and was trying to Step 9 with me because he truly believes that he is smart enough to carry off the ridiculous lies he creates and even LIES ABOUT LYING. Anyway, the important thing isn’t that my ex-boyfriend is a flaming moron, or the whole blogging incident that triggered it, but what you’re really saying when you decide lying on the Internet is okay. That you don’t care about others’ feelings. That YOU getting attention is more important than the ramifications you bring about. And that you truly believe you’re smarter than everyone who will read it – that people won’t see through your BS because you’re so much more intelligent. It’s just insulting. Lesson: As long as you never assume you’re the smartest person in the room, you will keep yourself out of a LOT of trouble.
In November, sensitive to the economy, the unemployment rate and many other factors, I wrote a post to help you plan for the holidays – “Knock Off Christmas.” Not only did this post bring you Ooptimoose Prune and Bimbleboo, but it was also the start of Phil’s willingness to take endless pictures and do whatever else was required to support my blog fodder needs. If you’ve been reading over the last few months, you know that this phenomenon is snowballing down hill very quickly.
I have to tell you several things from December, because I guess it was around December that I stopped writing once every week and a half and started actually putting in some effort.
In January, I had my very first ever blog war, and Internet? I might be biased? But I totally won. “Weddings, Entitlement and Blogger Hysteria” happened when I commented on a wedding blog about why someone would get married, lie to their families, and then have a “big wedding” later. The blogger in question and all of her commenters basically made complete asses of themselves, which totally helped my strategy, which was basically “try not to be morons like these guys are being.” I think, in the end, that it remains pretty clear that HAVING A SECRET WEDDING and not telling any of your friends or family so as not to RUIN your “real wedding” is at best, ridiculous, and at worst, selfish, deceptive and, wait, yeah, still ridiculous.
Also, because it’s my blog and because I can, “Let me tell you about this passive-aggressive candy bar I met” may just be my favorite post of all time. I’m totally Kanye-ing January so that I can tell you that. Because, you know, best post of all time.
In February, I gave you “Date Night with Phil – a photo essay.” The very first Phil story! Also? If I am not mistaken? The first ever appearance of Phil’s thumbs. Man, it seems like everything awesome about this site got started in the last year! I also wrote what is slowly trying to take over “reasons my boyfriend is awesome” as the biggest search term for the site – “KY Yours & Mine – a review, by TJ,” but I warn you to please consider your relationship to Phil & I before proceeding, especially if you’re assuming we’re saving ourselves for marriage, because of course we totally are, so you don’t even need to read that post.
I also bought a wedding dress in February.
In March, I introduced you to a special rule via my “Division of Household Labor” post. You know. If you give a shit, it’s your job. It’s revolutionizing homes across America. At least two, or even three homes!
And in April, of course, was “You don’t know my hypothetical future child – Should I have it?” Holy crap, y’all. The responses on that post are by far some of the best this blog has ever seen. I read every single one and I’ve gone back to read them all again at least twice since then. I’ll probably do it again today, now that I’m think about it. Seriously, high five to you guys.
Anyway, that was the whole third year of this blog. There was other stuff, like Oaty Oats and Deeleeshoos Noodles, and the Wincable! post and all of my engagement pictures and wedding dress choices and a whole bunch of other stuff, like naked men and their missing middles, but out of respect for the busy, busy people who make a pilgrimage to this blog only once a year for a summation, I have left a lot of stuff out.
Over the next year, I hope some interesting things will happen. I’m getting married, so you’re at least guaranteed one major to do. The year after that, maybe we’ll have a kid. After that, I think they put you out to blogging pasture. I mean, who cares what a bunch of moms would have to say, right? Ha. See what I did there?
Anyway. Thanks for reading my blog for three whole stinking years, y’all.
Posted in the blogging thing | 8 Comments »
Thursday, May 6th, 2010
What you need to know for this to make sense: Crimeny.net was my old blog, back when dinosaur bloggers roamed the earth, and I used the name “Lucky” on that site because I was still somewhat afraid of the Internet and didn’t want anyone to know that my name was Kelly and I went to the University of Maryland, even though everyone (“everyone” being the 27 people who were blogging at the time) actually knew that and still knows it now. Anyway. That’s what you need to know.
I was going through some old email a couple of days ago and found this:
Check out the date on that email, wow.
And my 2005 response to such an email?
(Ok, so not THAT much has changed since 2005.)
And I never wrote back again. I never even found out what the offer was. I think my response was pretty standard for bloggers who were pretty established at that time. Especially in terms of considering a blog a “business.” Things are way different now, I think. Way different. I don’t really have much comment other than that, I am interested to see what the Internet – especially bloggers who have been around as long as I have or longer – have to say about it.
I don’t think it’s a good thing OR a bad thing. I was just looking through old emails and thought it was an INTERESTING thing.
(PS – Hello to the people who I know used to read Crimeny.net yet I never got around to telling in the last 3 years that Temerity-Jane.com and Crimeny.net – same person! I’m not dead! Hello!)
Posted in the blogging thing | 5 Comments »
Wednesday, April 14th, 2010
Internet, I don’t know if you knew this, but it is REALLY easy to REALLY annoy me. Most times I just roll my eyes and take it out on Phil later, but sometimes I send an unnecessarily rude email to people who are just doing their job. Because that is my right, as an American citizen and as an asshole.
When Phil does something that gets under my skin, or that I wish he wouldn’t do, or that makes me mad, I tell him. Right then and there. Because I pretty much lack the social graces required to be able to approach these things with delicacy and at “appropriate” times.
Let me example it for you. Say Phil does something like, oh, I don’t know, leaves his water glass right next to the sink instead of in it. Upon spotting said glass sitting next to the sink instead of in it, I will say, “Hey!” Once I have Phil’s attention, I wave the glass at him and put it in the sink. You know, to show him that glasses go in the sink. Even though he knows that. But every time I see it, I tell him again. Because it’s tiny. It’s hardly a thing. Do you know what would make it a thing? If every time I saw his glass next to the sink instead of in it, I rolled my eyes, gritted my teeth and silently put his glass in the sink instead of saying anything to him. Then one day, when he finally left his glass next to the sink instead of in it one too many times, I would explode and tear my shirt apart, Hulk-style, and while he was distracted with the brief, hopeful glee of a dude about to see boobs, a third arm that has grown, over time, directly out of my sternum, composed completely of rage and whatever chemicals make diet soda so delicious, would fling outwards and punch him in the face.
That is why, when something annoys me, hurts my feelings or makes me mad, I say it right away. Ok, so sometimes it is a little blunt, or maybe a little inappropriately timed, but if I keep these things inside, I might grow an ANGER ARM, and I already have enough trouble finding clothes that fit, you know?
Ok, in seriousness, I’m not really worried about growing a third arm. However, not saying something has never made more sense to me than saying something does. At least when it comes to Phil. Because have you met Phil?
He’s all sighs and eyerolls and gritted teeth and stuff. I mean, I appreciate what he’s doing – a tiny issue, like, say, a glass next to the sink instead of in the sink – just doesn’t seem worth a confrontation at that time, so it’s better to NOT say anything right then, because why ruin a perfectly nice day? Instead, it’s better to save up these little issues for one huge ANNOYANCE EXPLOSION.
I think there’s a statute of limitations on small annoyances. And big annoyances. And angries. Because, come on. Come ON. Being annoyed or angry with something is fine, but saving up a whole bunch of little things into one BIG THING and then unloading it on someone who has ONLY DONE some little things doesn’t make sense. It’s just not proportional. Plus, when someone is acting in a way that makes you think that maybe they’re upset at you, they’re walking around all upset and you’re walking around with it hanging over your head, waiting for the hammer to fall and NO ONE is happy.
So, say Phil is acting like maybe he might be a little mad at me or upset about something, I say to him, “Is something wrong?” and if he says, “No,” then in my mind, he has given up all rights to storing up whatever potential annoyance he might be harboring against me for use at a later date. At first, he did not like that, but over time, he’s really adapted to (or been forced into adapting to) that particular way of communicating.
I don’t know if it’s because of that or the fact that we’ve been together for less than two years, but Phil and I don’t actually really fight. I think you can count the major fights we have had on one finger. Which is a trite and cliche way of saying that we have only had one major fight. I think a lot of major fights come from letting little issues (leaving a glass next to the sink instead of in it) fester and grow into huge issues (you don’t care about the fact that I’m trying to keep this house clean, you don’t respect what I do around here, you don’t respect me, etc).
So why, then, if I’m so comfortable letting Phil know when he annoys me (and to be fair, I hope you realize that this is my blog, thus my perspective, and however it may sound coming from a single perspective, Phil doesn’t annoy me any more often than annoyance happens in a normal couple, and I also annoy him to an equal or greater degree), why can I not carry the same practices over to the Internet?
For example, as lightly as I am apparently required to tread when discussing the fact that not all comments are created equal, a certain comments do annoy me. If I’m sitting at the computer and reading a comment that rubs me the wrong way, I have rarely, rarely commented back to say, “did you mean that the way it sounded?” Instead, I roll my eyes and grit my teeth and do nothing. Or, if Phil is here, I turn to him and express my annoyance. In general, though, it’s left to fester. Instead of just handling it at the initial annoyance, I end up blowing up all over someone (not the only person) who had gotten under my skin, like I did last week. Of course, since it was due to built up annoyance, I still continue my blow up justified, but if I just addressed these things when they happen, then blow ups would have been avoided entirely.
Take this guy, for example, who had been sending me the same email every single day for a little while now. Instead of just addressing it right away and declining or asking to be removed from future emails, I just kept reading them. Day after day.
Click to embiggen. And let me know if you want to be added to the list!
I’ve talked to other bloggers and Internet people about the weird phenomenon of feeling required to be polite to everyone, like our blogs are restaurants and we are the servers, where no matter how someone treats you – whether outright rudely or just something that rubs you the wrong way – you kind of have to smile and say, “come back again sometime!” anyway, even if that is NOT WHAT YOU ARE THINKING AT ALL.
I know you can make the “stranger” argument – like say I was in a store and someone rudely ran into me and just walked on without saying anything. Sure, I could say something snarky back, but they’re walking away and it could just cause a thing and you’re probably never going to see them again and it’ just not worth doing more than rolling your eyes and moving on. But I would argue that there’s a middle ground between complete strangers in a store and Phil who lives in my house, and I think the Internet is that middle ground.
I mean, when you think about the Internet as a whole, the blogging community – especially my corner of it – is not especially large. So while everyone I encounter on the Internet doesn’t live in my house, they’re certainly somewhat less of strangers than a random rude person in the grocery store.
So, whereas with a rude stranger in the store, it’s just not worth saying something because meh, it’s over, with my blog, it kind of is worth saying something, I think. Say you leave a comment here and you really meant well, but it wasn’t worded so great or I interpret it in a way that gets under my skin. Isn’t it better that I address it right then and give you a chance to clarify what you said, or confirm that yeah, you did say you think my dog is ugly and you want to stand by that? Especially if the alternative is that I sigh and roll my eyes and put a little black mark next to your name in my head?
There’s been tons of times when I wish I had just SAID something. Instead, on my blog or on Twitter, my responses get progressively more and more cranky until I finally stop responding at all (see: commenters who no longer comment here) or completely block someone from commenting (see: my exboyfriend, who was blocked for a combination of ANNOYING THE FUCK OUT OF ME and, oh yeah, being a pathological liar).
The thing is, as has been demonstrated on this blog in the past, the restaurant server phenomenon is kind of expected. Indicating that not every single comment pleases you is akin to kicking a puppy. Don’t you know that there are starving bloggers in Africa who don’t get ANY comments? So I (and maybe some other bloggers, or maybe I’m insane and neurotic) feel kind of forced into this polite, smiling “Come back again sometime!” role.
Now, don’t get me wrong – I don’t really have any flat out assholes as commenters. In conversations with other bloggers, I’ve often said that it would be easier if the comments that got under my skin were flat out hateful instead of aggravating. I got a rude, mean anon on a Stockholming post – flat out cruel, really – and just rolled my eyes. Because I can’t even take that seriously. It’s those little things, the tiny annoyances that, at that moment, don’t change how I feel about the COMMENTER, but just make me roll my eyes at what was SAID, but build and build and build over time until I am standing on the couch, waving my arms in the air and ranting at Phil about the TERRIBLE INJUSTICE OF IT ALL.
So, after almost 2000 words, I come to the “New Comment Policy” portion of the post. I’m not going to detail the kinds of comments that annoy me, because come on, everyone is annoyed sometimes. It could be tone or inflection or the crossing of an invisible line or misinterpretation or poor word choice or any number of things. No. No details like that.
Instead, this is the entire comment policy: I reserve the right to say something back.
That’s it. I’m not saying I reserve the right to rip your face off or anything like that. In the interest of not letting minor annoyances turn into blow ups, however – I reserve the right to say something back.
There have been times in the past where I have said something back and times in the past where I should have said something back. To people who hurt my feelings, to people who don’t comment here anymore, to people who posted mean stuff about me on other sites and then acted like nothing happened when they talked to me.
Oh, and these people.
How the hell did you “identify” me as a mom blogger? Is it because of the full length pictures? Is that a crack about my weight? Dicks.
Anyway. That’s all. From now on, I reserve the right to say something back.
Posted in daily BS, the blogging thing | 30 Comments »
