Temerity Jane

And just like that, Phil returned home to find his position in the house usurped.

Oh, hello.

I see you’ve returned from your workout.

Please, be quiet. There’s no need to make a fuss and wake anyone up.

I didn’t mean for you to find out this way, but it is probably for the best.

I’ve been talking with Other Dog, and we’ve decided that a restructuring is in order.

You know that tough times call for tough choices, and I assure you – none of us are happy about this.

In these trying times, having two members of our organization serving in the same role seemed redundant, and, let’s been honest, reckless and wasteful.

Taking initiative is something we pride ourselves on in the lower levels of this organization, so we hashed it out amongst ourselves.

As you can plainly see, I’ve taken a step up, while Other Dog shall be moving into my role from below.

Now, don’t get me wrong. We realize this won’t be easy – especially for me, what with filling this new position and also helping to guide Other Dog through his new role as Primary Dog.

However, in my near six years as Primary Dog, I feel I have made wise use of my time. Not only do I have the experience and knowledge of the Primary Dog position to pass down to my successor, but, knowing that this day would eventually come, I have tirelessly dedicated myself to studying you, your position and, frankly, learning from your mistakes.

Unfortunately, as you can probably already tell, this restructuring does not mean good news for everyone.

You’re a wise man, in a way. You know that now is not the time to be creating new positions, especially at the top. Our infrastructure simply couldn’t handle it.

If things were different – if it were all up to me – we would keep you on. You’ve been a valuable member of this organization for many years.

Trust me when I say that it was a truly difficult and painful choice to let you go and lose the years of expertise and loyalty you’ve brought to this company.

I am confident, though, that as someone who has always had the best interests of the group at heart, you know that this is for the best.

After all, you’ve been slipping lately. For example, look at this gaping opening you’ve left.

If you’d been a team player, taking your exercise in the back yard like the rest of us, we never would have had the opportunity to stage this takeover.

But this isn’t the time to point fingers and dwell upon flaws and mistakes. Let’s make this a smooth transition for everyone.

As Other Dog will be moving into the position of Primary Dog, we’ve gone ahead and packaged up his work equipment for you, and he will use mine. Reduce, reuse, recycle. I am all about the bottom line. Obviously, you can see that you will be leaving the organization in good hands.

You will find a leash, collar, blankie, half a bag of treats and a brush waiting for you at the door.

I realize it isn’t much in the way of severance, but in this new regime, I will be running a much tighter ship. Hopefully, you will quickly secure a new position and find the equipment useful.

Please leave your car keys, computer passwords and ID at the door.

It has been an honor and a pleasure to work with you for these last 6 years, and I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

I realize that you’d like to say your goodbyes, but I’m afraid that won’t be possible. It’s best if you go now, before she wakes up, for a smooth transition for everyone. You understand.

Please close the door on your way out.

Good day.

I SAID GOOD DAY.