This is all there is – not this is all there IS?

April 20th, 2012 | by TJ |

By now, you may have figured out that I have a rather loose definition of the word “tomorrow.” However, did you maybe think that I COULDN’T post something for all of the Internet to read, even though I was just totally desperate to do so? Did you think of that? Did you think that maybe I was in the HOSPITAL? I bet you didn’t. And you know what? I WAS. So don’t you feel like a sack of cracks now?

Okay, so, I was only in the hospital from this past Sunday to Wednesday, but you couldn’t possibly have known that. So, you, sack, cracks.

You couldn’t possibly have known I was in the hospital for a couple of days, but you should have assumed that it could have been a couple of weeks, so… look, I’ve kind of lost track of how to make you come out as the bad guy here, you crack.


Awhile back, I got a comment that just put me in a really shitty mood, the kind of “ugh, fuck it,” throwing your hands in the air kind of mood. I have comment moderation set up on my blog, but it only moderates the first time someone comments – I figure if you’re not a dick out of the gate, you’re probably not going to be. At least, probably not an intolerable dick. They tend to make clear what they’re all about right from the jump. Anyway, this is a long way of saying that the comment was caught in moderation, so it wasn’t someone I was familiar with, so you can stop worrying that you’re the one who cheesed me off, because it wasn’t you.

It’s okay if you briefly worried it was you. I think everyone does that. I do that. I mean, when you think about things in the grand scheme of it all, someone talking about one specific person probably isn’t talking about you. What are the chances? So lately I’ve been trying to make a concerted effort to not assume something is about me unless someone directly says, “Hey, ass panda, this is about you.” You know, just like… if it was me, and it was that big of a deal, the person would talk to me. So I assume it’s either not me or it’s not a big deal and whoever is just venting some steam or what have you.

But that’s hard, you know that and I know that. I mean, someone could say, “I wish six foot tall black dudes in priest collars wouldn’t say such offensive shit in Swahili,” and I would be mentally running over all of the things I have recently said that might have been considered offensive because of course that was about me.

Anyway, I’m assuring you, it’s not about you, and I’m also not saying anything about the comment itself or anything, because like I said above, I guess I want to follow the other side of the coin, too – if it is a thing, I should say something to the person involved or maybe it’s just not even a thing. And it’s not a thing. It was a first time comment, not someone who has been around here for a while, unless they used a different email address or whatever, and it wasn’t even… anything. It was a nothing. I mean, yes, it got under my skin, what with the fuck it all and throwing my hands in the air, but it wasn’t anything worth pursuing. I guess it was just a right place, right time kind of thing where it crawled right under my skin and just made me have a kind of disgust for posting at all because UGH. WHY BOTHER. HANDS IN THE AIR. ET CETERA.

Yeah, so, long story not short or relevant, I didn’t post for a while because a random one off comment from a stranger chapped my ass.


This is going to end poorly in about two seconds:



I had this idea that I was going to tell you a little bit about all of the books I’ve read recently, because there’s been a good number of them and a bunch of them have sucked out loud, and I’m not going to lie to you – I enjoy getting especially descriptive about all of the ways I hated a particularly terrible book. Does that make me a bad person? Well, no, probably not, though there may be other aspects of my personality that when ADDED to that fact do indeed total up to bad person, I’m pretty sure taking some delight in outlining the particular terribleness of particularly terrible books on its own is not enough to put me into the category.

But I do want to do that and I will really, truly try to do so soon, but I’m dealing with some medical situation that makes extending typing – or computering – or reading – or televisioning – or most especially OH LAWD FAST FORWARDING THE DVR FETCH ME MY YAKKING BOWL – a bit difficult.

There’s that difficulty, combined with the whole actually having said difficulties, plus some other stresses that, once again I assure you that I’m not going to lie to you, because why WOULD I, it’s not like I have anything to gain from it and besides, the TSA Blogger would probably just post video footage anyway, might delay me in posting again. I’m not well, and we’re preparing to travel next week, and remember how Big P was in the hospital last summer? We knew then that in the future it was possible some decisions would have to be made about how to proceed with her health issues, but we assumed that the future would basically never actually arrive and also that qualified medical professionals would make the decision. But the future is shockingly right now – Penny will be a year old next Sunday, do you even BELIEVE that shit? – and we’ve been tasked with choosing the course of action. And by “we,” I mean Phil and I. And by Phil and I, I mean a couple of idiots.

MAN. You know, you get married and you have a kid, and you get up every day and you go to work or you stay with your kid or whatever you want to do or have to do, and it’s basically the same day to day, and you reach a point in early actual adulthood where you’re like, “Okay, this is life. This is how it goes and we’ll just go on like this. I’m not a rock star and life isn’t a minute by minute adventure like a kid would once assume adulthood might be, but this is how it goes and how it will go and that’s all of it,” and that’s not a depressing thought at all. And I mean that sincerely. But I don’t know if I’m conveying that realization in accurate terms, but I mean the point where you realize that this is all it is – and I don’t mean, “This is all it IS?,” but this is all it is. Does that even make sense?

But I took all that time to explain that, only to say the opposite – time keeps happening and THINGS keep happening, both together. Time happens and the things happen and neither one of those happenings stops for the other. By that I mean, I’m going to lay these plans, the plans to tell you about the books I’ve been reading, but things are happening and time is marching on – A YEAR OLD, YOU GUYS – and even though this is all there is, it’s hard to make promises about something that so recently made you throw your hands in the air, all UGH FUCK IT.

16 Responses to “This is all there is – not this is all there IS?”

  1. By Phil's Mom on Apr 20, 2012

    If you dont mind me asking… Why were you in the hospital? Oh and by the way I think you and Phil rock at the parenting skills.. Just saying

    Caroline Reply:

    On her twitter acount she said it was Vertigo.

  2. By PinkieBling on Apr 20, 2012

    Promises are completely unnecessary. I have a feed reader, so I don’t have to obsessively refresh your blog. When there are no new posts, I can still enjoy you on Twitter.

    I’m so sorry you’re not well. Sounds like some sort of inner ear/vertigo issue? Ugh. I hope it clears up, STAT, and you’re able to travel and have fun. I’m sending good vibes for the Decision Making re: Big P.

    I CAN’T BELIEVE she’s about to be a year old. What the HELL.

  3. By Veronica on Apr 20, 2012

    You know, I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately — in the MOST non-creepy, non-stalkerish way possible. *nervous laughter*

    After you shared a little about the Penny decision you had to make and wound up in the hospital yourself with must be a QUITE infuriating problem, I keep thinking “If I were friends with Kelly in real life and lived in Arizona, I’d totally be taking her food and watching Penny and letting her take extra-long naps.”

    So, I can’t do that, but know that I *would*. So, there’s that.

    I’m sorry your medical professionals are making you make an important medical decision about your young child. At the moment, I can’t think of many things that sound scarier. We were tasked with finding the problem with J when she was sick, but that’s just because our specialists were lazy, I think. Please know that whatever you decide will be the best thing for Penny, because it will obviously be something that you thought about a GREAT DEAL. I know you are researching and thinking and weighing options, so whatever you choose will be good for her. Plus, if there was only ONE “right” choice, they wouldn’t have given you any choices, right? They would have just told you what to do. I’m sure that didn’t magically lift the weight off your shoulders, but know you are a good parent.

  4. By Diane on Apr 20, 2012

    All the stuff you said there at the end about this being all there is? Yeah, that’s quite a moment. That right there … yup.

    I’m glad you’re back, even if it’s just for today and then not again for a while. I’d like to eternal sunshine that dick comment from your mind, because dick comments have no place there. Did you tell the doctor at the hospital about it? Because I bet they have a box they can check next to “dick comment-related vertigo” and it would solve both your problems at once.

  5. By Delicia on Apr 20, 2012

    Long-winded, sorry.

    Yep, I’m one of those paranoid narcissistic people that automatically assumes it’s ALL ABOUT ME, so I’m glad you tend to address the person directly if you have issue with them so I can know if I horribly offend you with my comments. I tend to be a very blunt, outspoken person so I appreciate that approach much better than veiled wordage and polite sweeping under the rug.

    Cripes I can’t believe it’s been almost a year. My “baby” turns 14 in a couple months, I’m firmly in denial.

    I’m sure by now you’ve figured out, when it comes to kids, and life, it’s always SOMETHING. I am trying to think and really I don’t remember a time there wasn’t some THING that was an issue, either with one kid or another, or our health issues, or finances, or SOMETHING. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with all the health issues with yourself and Big P. I think parenting can be challenging enough without being unwell while you’re trying to do it.

    I’m glad you and Phil have lots of family & friend support. I know that although you’ll probably agonize later over whatever decision you make for Big P now, that you’ll make it based on the best doctor info you have and in her best interest. You just can’t ask for more than that. She’s lucky to have you both!

    If you haven’t watched Felicia Day’s Vaginal Fantasy youtubes series, I highly recommend. Four women reading an erotic fiction book each month and then getting catty with comments about what they liked/didn’t like while drinking alcohol. You may not agree with everything they say, but it’s a hoot to watch.

  6. By Tric on Apr 20, 2012

    First, I hope you feel better very soon and that Penny is the pinnacle of very nearly one year old health. I also hope she realizes how to lay back down. Second, your blog is the only blog on the entire internet that my school’s “keep the children away from porn and swearing” filter does not block. I was bereft of reading material while you were away, so I am really glad to see you! I just want you to know you were missed. Horribly.

  7. By Life of a Doctor's Wife on Apr 20, 2012

    I’m sorry for the hospitalling and the crappy comment (even though I’m PRETTY sure it wasn’t me) and the medical decision making and the YEAR OLD OMG THAT WAS FAST and ugh. I’m just sorry. Being a grown up is just not that cool sometimes.

    Am hoping very fervently that everything starts going very WELL around there and, well, for what it’s worth from an Internet stranger, I’m thinking about you guys.

  8. By Jennifer Morton (@Shawndra) on Apr 20, 2012

    Hospitals suck when they take you away from everything you feel you have to be doing and sit you in limbo for days. For me hospitals are like mini vacations, because they take me away from all the above. I’m sorry you had to go, and hope it is a long time before have to go back.

    I know you and Phil will make a good informed decision about Penny. No matter how much you try and tell us you are idiots and shouldn’t e trusted with children or Sheldon, we know you have talent. Go get ‘em, Champs.

  9. By Tara on Apr 20, 2012

    I can’t believe you would be so offensive while speaking Swahili! Also, ass-panda is my new car word. Seems harder for Eriana to learn than jackass. So thanks for that one.

  10. By Therese on Apr 20, 2012

    Reading about you and Phil having to make the decision about Penny’s health situation reminds me that I still always expect a “grown up” to have to do those things and always feel surprised when I’m the “grown up” that has to do it. I always seem to internally chuckle and think I can’t believe this is what I’m doing right now! [insert "grown up" activity here]seems like something someone older or with more experience should be doing. I’m my early thirties, married with 2 kids, have a master’s degree, a good job… I keep wondering when I will feel grown up and really qualified to do all the grown up things I do every day.
    P.S. Hope you feel better soon!

  11. By Natalie on Apr 20, 2012

    Just for the record, when you started talking about Big P’s medical problems, at first u thought you meant Phil and I thought, good grief, they can’t win for losing! Then I realized you meant Penny and while that is no small thing, I already knew about that so I felt better that at least it wasn’t something new on top of everything else.

    Anyway, hope the meds work and you get better soon. Glad to see you back, however briefly. Also I’m typing on my phone so I claim no responsibility for any typos in this comment.

  12. By Swistle on Apr 20, 2012

    I often joke about not believing a child is the age I know the child is, but in this case I literally thought you were mistaken for a beat or two. A YEAR?

    Bad comments seriously discourage me, no matter how much I tell myself they shouldn’t. I’m always wondering if they’re from someone I feel like I’m friends with, going undercover to cheese me.

  13. By Anon on Apr 20, 2012

    TJ, I love reading your blog. It doesn’t matter how often you post, or what you post about. I check for updates even when I know there aren’t any.
    Your blog is bravely personal. Thank you for writing it.

  14. By Jez on Apr 21, 2012

    The Anon person above me has totally stolen my lines! So yeah, what they said. Also I am now a pregnant lady and I am so glad that I have been reading your blog for so long because now I can benefit directly from the awesome information you have dispensed. Like that snot sucker thing.. I need to find that post so I can know what to call it when I go to buy one.. also have found that I when ever I refer to myself it is as a pregnant lady.. not chick, woman, girl or what have you. Definitely lady. So in other words and in a long winded way: thank you. My thoughts with you and the P’s, hard to believe Penny is a year old!

    Staciepo Reply:

    I agree with this for when/if I have a child… excellent info to have! It was called a Nose Frida ;)

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