I can do as I say and as I do and not as I do, there’s no law.

Internet, there are two forces at war within me right now.

There are two things you know about me. Or should know about me. Well, should know is kind of an arrogant thing to say. You shouldn’t know anything about me. I don’t mean that in a if you know things about me, you must be a creepy stalker kind of way, but more in the you’re not actually obligated to know anything about me kind of way.

Let me start over. Here are two facts about me that are relevant to this blog post that you may have discerned from some things that you may have read here in the past, or gleaned from a conversation that you and I may have had at some point, or maybe just assumed based on what you know about me and happen to remember because it stuck in your mind for some reason because it was just one of those things that stuck in your mind, not because you feel in any way responsible for recalling random facts about me as if there was going to be some sort of quiz, because there is not, and I will never, ever, in any sort of fashion assume that you remember a goldiggitydamned thing I have written here today, or yesterday, or tomorrow, because who the hell do I think I am? Come on, bloggers. Get out of your own buttholes, am I right?

Anyway, the two things:

1. I am anti-extreme messy face pictures of children shared in a public fashion. I really don’t think it’s cute. Wet, mushy food is probably what I will die from, to be honest. Our kitchen white board once sported a very urgent, multi-colored message about a bloated sink Cheez-it and the urgency with which IT NEEDED TO BE HANDLED BY SOMEONE OTHER THAN ME before life could continue as normal for so long that the white board has burn in.

“BUT YOU POSTED THE PICTURE OF YOUR KID WITH CAKE FACE!! Ha ha! I have caught you doing something you said you don’t like! Here in your comments section, I have called you out! I have caught you! J’accuse, blogger! J’accuse!”

That was me, doing you. Me, doing my you impression. You see how you sound? You sound ridiculous. Let it go. There is no prize for “But you said that one time… !!!”

(Not you. Not you, specifically. Actually, it’s been a long time since someone called up some random detail I said one time and applied it to something else I was saying years later, as if I had SOME NERVE saying something different at 30 than I had said at 25. I’m obviously holding a grudge, and that’s my right as a lady.)

(Or a man. Not that I’m either or both, I was just trying to head off those people who were going to be all, “LADIES AREN’T THE ONLY ONES WHO HOLD GRUDGES!” at the pass. God. See what the Internet has made me into?)

(Not you. The other ones. Anyway. Stop remembering things I said.)

2. I am very much in favor of copping out, but only when it benefits me or when the person who is copping out is copping out about something that doesn’t bother me personally so I don’t actually care. I suspect most people have this rule.

So, what it basically comes down to is that I feel obligated, in a personal way, to provide a full accounting of Pen’s surgery and recovery, much the way that Swistle did with her daughter’s tonsillectomy. Because I have been the person looking for personal accountings of this surgery, and I have been the person looking for answers to the questions that I now have the exact answers to. And I don’t need those answers anymore, but I know what a ridiculous comfort it would be to find them.

And I’m going to do that. I want to do that. So if you are searching for information on vesicoureteral reflux (VUR) and ureter reimplantation surgery in children, I am going to give a full write up of how it went, but for now, I am going to cop out. With pictures of my kid eating spaghetti.

See? See how it all came together there in the end?

Also – everything went PERFECTLY. She is doing so well. WE are doing so well. Only a 24 hour hospital stay and she’s walking – WALKING WITH HER FEET FOR REAL – all around our house, like  she and I don’t even have matching belly scars now. We’re practically twin Sneetches.

33 thoughts on “I can do as I say and as I do and not as I do, there’s no law.

  1. Nicole

    Um, she just kills me dead. The crazywonderful hair, her wide-eyed expressions, and yes, even the spaghetti face. Ugh. (In a good way.)

    TJ Reply:

    Is it still cute if I tell you she combed her hair with that fork? She COMBED THE SAUCE INTO HER HAIR.

    COMBED IT IN.

    Delicia Reply:

    I’ve had 3 little ones, and that comment still made me a bit woozy.

  2. Veronica

    Bah! I actually thought about your “no messy food baby pics” stance when I saw these pictures on facebook/Twitter, but not in a “SHE SAID SHE HATES THOSE!” kind of way. Because seriously, Pen is so cute that you can barely even NOTICE the food on that magnificent little face, right? I also never thought I would post belly pics, and here we are: I have a blog with pictures of my big, pregnant gut being balanced out by my massive pregnant ass.

    Also, that will be very nice of you if you are able to write about the surgery. It’s nice to know that good bloggers/writers like yourself are willing to do things like that for the good of other people.

    TJ Reply:

    I know, I’m terrible, right? I did only post the very first picture on FB/Twitter, though, because I had already been talking about spaghetti in the pool, and it was pretty tame. I sent the really terrible ones to my family, haha.

    I do TAKE a TON of messy face pictures. They’re just with all the bathtub pictures and stuff, you know?

    Anyway, I didn’t really start gagging until I realized that when we started to hose her off in the pool, she was going to be sitting in Pen-pasta soup. HORF.

    Veronica Reply:

    See, I;m one of those gross weirdos who thinks the messy food pictures are cute, so I dies a thousand deaths when I saw the picture.

    And next time, just stand her up and only her *feet* will be in the soup! If you can rationalize it, it totally works. Oh, and I was with you on the pool idea. Brilliant.

    Veronica Reply:

    And apparently I didn’t read that one over for typos. A thousand apologies.

    Sky Reply:

    I’m with you on the bath pictures. I don’t post them. People don’t need to see babies in the tub. I won’t even start on the naked newborn photos. ugh. Messy face is a-ok with me though, super cute!—so is breaking all the rules no matter who made them and when!

  3. June

    I’m always happy for a new post. HOWEVER, now when I look at the “top sites” view in Safari I no longer see Penny winking at me. Sad.

    Umm, but yay. New post.

  4. Life of a Doctor's Wife

    The Sneetches reference did me in. I mean, I’m sure it wasn’t REALLY the Sneetches reference that has me wiping my eyes, it was probably ACTUALLY the relief that Pen is okay and more so, the YOU-relief that came through in such a sweet and honest way, all of a sudden there.

    Which is to say: I am so glad you all made it through so WELL! YAY!

    And Penny is adorable. And noodles-n-sauce in a pool is GENIUS. Pool Noodles should totally be A Thing.

    Laura Diniwilk Reply:

    YES, I too love the Sneetches reference. It’s his best work, hands down. J’accuse is still making me giggle too though.

    She’s adorable, messy face and all!

    Laura Diniwilk Reply:

    This thing submitted before I could say I’m also so glad you are both doing well!

    Sister Reply:

    I can say with certainty that it was the Sneetches reference, because I jumped up and down when I got the text Pen did great, and now I’m all CRY-ey.

  5. Christy M

    Ahh, the totally superfluous fork clutched in the fist while they shovel food in with their hands. I love babies.*

    *I was going to say toddlers, but Pen is staying a baby forever, right? The CUTE is just too much.

  6. Carolyn

    Okay, so my mom keeps encouraging me to take my little one outside so he can learn to self feed (yogurt splattered on a rug does NOT sound fun to clean up, even if I wasn’t pregnant and having trouble bending over!) but I was stuck on having to clean the high chair afterwards. But a baby pool? GENIUS TO THE EXTREME! (Or, I guess I could just put a bowl of yogurt on the cement itself, and then hose it off later . . . ) Anyhow, Penny = adorable (no matter what she’s doing) and my mind is TOTALLY blown by the options I have now for outdoor eating ;)

  7. Leigh

    I am thrilled to pieces that the surgery went well and you’re home again and all is good! That is really wonderful news.

    I’ve been a mom for 14 years now, and having your kid eat spaghetti in a baby pool might be the most genius parent hack I’ve ever seen. Bravo.

  8. Linnea

    I actually had the matching scars thought when reading the run-down of what they were gonna do, and I think that’s what made it seem real (in the totally removed way of not-my-baby). That there would be a scar. I am so relieved that she is doing well, and it feels silly to be so concerned, but you know. I care about you guys and it was a big scary thing and I’m glad it’s done.

    Also, spaghetti in the baby pool is wonderful.

  9. LauraLou

    I thought the pool idea was genius–until you mentioned the PenPasta soup. Right, I wouldn’t have realized that either, and then I would have spent way too much time cleaning the pool to rid it of spaghetti residue.

    So glad the surgery went well.

  10. JdJdJd

    That is awesome!

    No clothes and in a plastic toy swimming pool you can actually hose down. Best way ever to feed a cute child messy food.

  11. Alorina

    So glad Phil let you talk him into this so we could enjoy the aftermath pics! Cutest messy-faced child in the history of EVER! Even with spaghetti sauce combed hair. Or possibly because of spaghetti sauce combed hair! I can’t tell…

  12. Emily

    She’s adorable. This was a good cop out/general policy reversal.

    The pool for messy foods is genius, by the way.

  13. Lila

    So glad to hear Miss Pen is recovering like a boss! The earlier pictures looked so promising, but it’s nice to read the confirmation that she’s doing so well.

  14. Nancy P

    Ack! But the cute! I am so flippin happy to hear how well she is doing and how well you guys are doing. I shall now do the Happy Dance for such good news.

    Also? Why the hell didn’t I think of the pool/food thing when my kids were little?!

  15. Hayley

    Her eyes are so beautiful. I have to admit I agree with Phil–the Noodle Pool idea is a bit odd–but it’ll be a good story to tell/embarrass Pen with when she’s older. Hooray for everything going smoothly!!

  16. Christina

    She is just the cutest kid ever! Great idea feeding her in the pool….I wish I had thought of that when my boys were that age. So glad she came through everything & is feeling better.

  17. Margie

    In general I am also anti-food-mush-on-babies (I refuse to post/take photos of my 11 month old bubs with stuff all over her mouth), but I must say that Pen is just adorable!! So glad to hear that she is doing well! It’s amazing how resilient these little humans are!

  18. Rachael

    My favorite part of those photos is that you gave her the messy food, but only in no clothes inside a plastic tub. SO much smarter than a dining room or place things can get messed up!

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