Temerity Jane

Throw some seeds of your own, y’all.

You = Busy. Me = Living to Serve.

What? Has it been a month already? It seems like just yesterday I was talking about Amanda Bynes!

Oh wait, that was yesterday, because a copy of Maxim with her draped across the cover with her bra showing has taken up residence in our bathroom and hasn’t budged for the last month or so. I’m not naming any names or giving any details but let’s just say that someone keeps pointing out, you know, “Child star!” and someone else’s comeback is always something along the lines of, “but legal adult!”

Anyway! Here we are again, busy Internet, at the start of another edition of TJ’s Cosmo Cliff’s Notes. This is the time of the month where I take time out to think about you – the busy people who don’t have the time to crack a Cosmo – and run through the whole issue for you, making sure that you have all the information you need to live your life as a fun, fearless Cosmo girl!

Let’s get started, y’all!

On the from the editor page, the one that reminds me of those news commercials I don’t get because honest to god I don’t care, the apparent editor tells us of a weird phenomenon – apparently, when young single women in the general ready-to-get-married stage of their life start working at Cosmo, they get engaged shortly afterward! The editor wonders if maybe it’s what they learned at Cosmo that lead them to land that man! This writer wonders if maybe seeing behind the scenes of Cosmo lead the to completely disavow everything they’ve ever read in Cosmo, allowing them to suddenly land a man! Agree to disagree, Ms. Kate White!

I love that they put the Hot Sheet right in front, because it should really be the first place any Cosmo girl in the know turns to, to stay abreast of trends! Speaking of “abreast,” apparently it is NOT SEXY to let your nipples pop out of your clothes! Abreast! See what I did there! That’s writing! Call me, Cosmo! Also, just FYI, if you want to look like a “fun loving chick” in your Facebook photos, have your picture taken while you’re walking! People apparently really like other people who can walk! Sorry, handicapped – Cosmo doesn’t really have any instructions on how you can use clever camera tricks and Facebook to make yourself look like a “fun loving chick.”

Ah, the cover story – Anna Faris is the fun, fearless female of the year! I admit I was surprised when I saw that on the cover, but I figured the story would explain what she’s been up to. So I read it. And. Well. She hasn’t actually made any notable movies in some time – the article keeps referencing Just Friends and House Bunny. But! She did “land a man!” You go, Anna! There’s nothing I consider more “fun” and “fearless” than perpetuating ditzy blonde stereotypes in the media and then being applauded for managing to get married! I really feel you represent me, Anna. I feel so close to you right now. Can you teach me to hair twirl?

Apparently, the fact that Phil sleeps on his back means that he’s confident and secure, because he leaves his… you know… areas… open. It’s rare time I do this, guys, but I’m going to have to disagree with Cosmo. Phil sleeps on the back for the exact opposite reason. It’s not because he’s confident, it’s because he’s scared. I’m a flailer, y’all. His… you know… areas… are way more vulnerable if he’s on his side facing me. It’s not a confidence move, it’s a survival of the species move. For those of you who are curious, if your boyfriend/husband sleeps on his stomach/side/back/other, he possesses some generic, easily-applied-to-anyone personality trait.

After I disagreed with Cosmo there, I had a bit of a bad taste in my mouth, feeling that Cosmo and I were a little at odds, but luckily, it was rectified shortly, on the Fun, Fearless Fashion page. This chick is wearing a bodysuit! And she appears to be serious about it! That is fearless!

If you’re ready to turn your whole outfit into straight up sexy, this is how you do it: a dress and shoes that both heavily feature cut outs or that cage style. Since only like, a tiny fraction of the population is devoid of enough body fat to make those look good, and I have faith that Cosmo wouldn’t be choosing all of their featured fashions based on only a small sliver of the population (no! They would never!), I think it’s safe to assume that Cosmo is telling us that the bathing suit/lawn chair effect - you know, the one where your thighs squish through the mesh of the chair? – is totally in this year. Top it off with earrings shaped like arrows directing the way to your breasts/vagina and pasties (seriously – pasties) and you’re all sexed up! Or out. You’re sexed… something. Actually, you’re gross, and you have mesh prints and pastie-stick all over you.

Oh! I love these sections where they show us one ridiculously expensive piece of clothing, but then console us by showing all the stuff we could buy instead if we go with poor knock offs. For example – a $216 flowered skirt. Well, instead of that, you can buy a $59 flowered skirt, a $55 plain red t-shirt AND? A $90 stack of bracelets, all for just $203.99! That’s a savings of $12! You could buy a weird… jacket thing… for $268, or, you could get an uglier, weirder version of the jacket for $68, a $100 dress and a $100 purse, for just $267! Or? OR? Groceries!

Beauty News – Celebrities Bump it up! And Cosmo would like to tell you how it’s done! First, grow an extra set of hands and develop some coordination and the years of hairstyling experience needed to make this look possible. Or? Buy a Bump It. You’re not too cool for Bump Its, Cosmo, get over yourself.

Secret Weapons for Valentine’s Day – What, because now it’s war? Us against them? I SHALL WEAR PERFUME AND YOU SHALL BE FOOLED INTO BRINGING ME A CANDY! I have won Valentine’s Day!

A reader has a question! “Should I use the same brand of shampoo and conditioner?” Why? Because that’s what it says on the bottle? Do you lather, rinse and repeat as well? How do you know when to stop? Some people are sadly beyond even Cosmo’s help, I fear.

GUY WATCH: This month, it’s a bunch of pictures of former American Idol contestants, taken when they were mid-sing. Because… oh my god, you guys. Giggle! Elbow! Blush! If you take a picture of someone signing a big note? They squeeze their eyes shut and open their mouths real wide! Giggle! It’s like… you know!

Cosmo, I need to hand it to you. Every month, I think you just can’t possibly impress me more.

For the first time I ever, I think, I’m calling Cosmo out on a flat out lie. The 99 Hot New Sex Tips promised  on the cover? I actually read them all. Not a single one of these is anything that could even remotely be termed “new.” I’m not a sex expert. Hell, I’m not even very good at it. I’m a pretty awkward person and as you would expect, that translates to the bedroom. In fact, it may even be amplified in that environment. And even STILL. Not only is none of this new, it’s not even remotely beyond me. Your more sexually advanced readers – because that’s what Cosmo’s about, right? Landing men and getting them in bed and being good at sex, that’s how you become a fun, fearless female, right? Anyway, the advanced readers are going to start to catch on to this shit soon, Cosmo. If you say you have new sex tips from now on, you better have discovered a new orifice, or else just shut the hell up with this insulting bull shit. “Touch his penis!” I’m going to touch you with my fist.

If you’ve accidentally turned your man into a girl by recognizing the fact that sometimes men like to look good, too, and doing something stupid like lending him your expensive soap (EVERYONE KNOWS MEN DON’T USE SPECIAL FACE SOAP! That would mean they cared about their appearance like NORMAL HUMANS!!), never fear. Cosmo can help! What you need to do is take him to do some things that only men do. Like watch football, or play a video game. He’ll be back to normal right away, and you won’t have to worry any more about him being comfortable and secure enough around you to express more than one dimension of his personality!

I’m skipping the whole Fun, Fearless Males section – it’s kind of ridiculous, why don’t they just have one category? After all, the more you act like a dude or a non-standard woman, and deemphasize standard womanly qualities that it is okay to be proud of – the more of a fun, fearless female you are. So why don’t we just rank them all together if being fearless generally equates to being more dude-like? Oh, Nathan Fillion is in here! Hell yeah, Captain Hammer!

These Healthy Foods Can Make You Fat Just Like Any Other Food in the World You Don’t Eat in Moderation! Fixed that title for you, Cosmo.

I’m skipping the fertility questions section as well – sorry, y’all – because I don’t feel like Cosmo is a place where you should even consider getting any kind of information on fertility. At all. Ever. Cosmo’s party line should be “Use a Condom, Every Time.” And that’s it.

In their innovative, groundbreaking, sure to rock some worlds article “This is What Love Looks Like Now,” Cosmo does a public service for those just hopping out of their time machines from 1955 and dedicates a whole article to letting us know that not only do people of different races date, but that interracial couples are just like “normal” couples!

THE THONG IS DEAD! Companion story I’m working on: Telling Women What To Wear Under Their Clothes Like You Have a Dog in This Fight At All is Also Dead!

The clothes section – I’m not bothering except to tell you that if you’re the type who picks up Cosmo in the grocery store line, or gets a subscription and has time to sit down and read it, there is literally no space in your life for any of these clothes. If you’re reading Cosmo, you are not living the lifestyle that Cosmo seems to think we all are. Want to argue with me? Ok. Where are you going to wear these leggings, the skin tight ones with the zupper from your ankle to your asshole? I’m not insulting you. I’m making fun of Cosmo. That’s the point.

His Pet Peeve: “She sets up my single friends with her single friends — even if they’re a bad match. Then she holds it against me when it fizzles!” And then I mentally added the following, “So I guess what I’m really saying is that I’m dating a woman who believes that everyone needs to be with someone, regardless of whether or not they actually get along – it’s all about not dying alone – and then? She’s irrational on top of that.”

That’s it for this month, Internet. There was literally nothing else in Cosmo worth more than a glance, let alone worth my time to make fun of.

See you next month, Busy Ladies!

See previous Cosmo Cliff’s Notes:
November Issue
December Issue
January Issue

Weddings, entitlement and blogger hysteria

Internet, say your car was really close to breaking down. I mean, it’s day by day, dire situation. Your brakes could go out and fling you into oncoming traffic at any moment. I offer you two options:

1. Run out and grab a new car really quickly right now OR
2. Wait 6 months and your family will generously gift you with a car.

Obviously, the answer is run out and grab a new car really quickly right now, because your car is a death trap, except don’t tell anyone and HIDE the car so your family will give you another car in six months. Right?

How about a similar situation: Your fiance is deploying (for the sake of argument, let’s say he was given three weeks notice even though that never actually happens) and it would be really convenient if you were married now, but you also want a big pretty wedding in Jamaica, with all of your family flying out to join you six months from now. I again offer you two options:

1. Run out and get married really quickly right now – I mean, even in 3 weeks (which never happens), you can get your close family and friends together for a nice ceremony, and send your new husband off on his deployment secure in the fact that his new wife is taken care of OR
2. Wait 6 months and have the dream wedding you wanted.

Again, the answer is obvious. You get married really quickly right now, except you hide the fact that you’re married so that in six months, your family and friends will shell out to fly to Jamaica so you can have the wedding of your dreams as well.

Clearly, in both situations, the answer is the same – lie to your friends and family to make sure that you get what you’re entitled to.

Now, let’s add a blogger spin on it. Say you’re a writer on a bridal blog, and you’ve just made a post coming clean about how yes, it’s true, you are already married, but you’ve decided to hide it from family and friends so that they aren’t aware that you’re already married when they come to the destination wedding you’re planning in Jamaica, with the dress, the vows, the whole nine. Some commenters on your public blog disagree with what you’re doing. I offer you two options:

1. Accept the fact that when you blog about something, not everyone will agree and may comment to that effect and move on OR
2. Delete any and all comments that you don’t like.

Again, why am I giving quizzes with such obvious answers? Clearly, you email anyone who commented explaining whylying is okay in your particular situation. You express shock that someone dared express a dissenting opinion in blog comments. When they still don’t agree with you, you THEN delete any and all comments that you don’t like, and head to another blog, where you post all of the emails, secure in the fact that your regular readers will tell you it’s totally okay to lie to your friends and family. After all – you are entitled to that special wedding day!

I’ve written about this elsewhere - the notion, common especially among young military brides – that just because you’re married doesn’t mean you can’t get married. That there’s nothing wrong with it. That solely due to the fact that you were born female, you’re entitled to your wedding day. You should also note that the linked article was written three weeks ago – so my annoyance with this phenomenon certainly isn’t a personal vendetta against one person with one entitled attitude.

My question, though - if these women didn’t think they were doing something wrong, why are they lying about it or hiding it? If there’s nothing wrong with a quickie wedding and then a “real” wedding later, why not just give people the heads up?

There is nothing wrong with getting married quickly before a deployment – Phil and I would do the same thing if faced with a sudden (which never happens, but again – 3 weeks, for the sake of argument) deployment.  There’s nothing wrong with having a big “meet the family” party when he comes home. There’s nothing wrong with saying “Hey, friends and family, come on out to our vow renewal” when he gets home.

But lying - lying – to your friends and family, for no other reason that I can see other than to preserve your dream of the perfect wedding - I can’t get behind that, not even for a fellow military bride. You can plan a quick wedding (in that 3 week notice that never actually happens). You can get by on just a civil ceremony.

Another common argument is that the civil ceremony is just signing a paper – it’s not a real wedding. I think my parents, married nearly 30 years, would be distressed to know that they didn’t have a real wedding. Do you think the IRS will get mad when they find out my parents have been filing jointly, but only had a civil ceremony?

Now that I’ve explained where I’m coming from, let’s move on to the blogger hysteria.

(I’m not going to post all of the emails exchanged, because you can feel free to read them on the other blogger’s post.)

The Bridal Bloggette appears to be a relatively new blog, trying to fit itself in to the crowded wedding blog niche. Several different brides are going to blog about their wedding planning, offer do-it-yourself help and general serve as a resource and gathering place for other young women planning weddings, from what I can tell.

I read a post on this blog today explaining the exact situation above – the bride was already married, but wasn’t going to tell friends and family. I left a comment saying that lying certainly wasn’t cool, and asking why the writer would need to have a big wedding if they were already married – after all, is it about the marriage or the wedding?

The writer sent me an unsolicited email to… I don’t know? Tell me why it was ok for her to lie? Chastise me for disagreeing with something she wrote on a public blog? Regardless of her reasons, she shortly deleted my comment (and the comments of others) and took the whole thing to her personal blog. Why? Because if you take it to your personal blog, as the wounded party, you get responses like:

“How dare she disagree with you!” and
“She must be jealous!” and
“She must need a hobby, even though all she did was leave a comment on a blog like any normal person would and then you took time out of YOUR day to email her and then she responded! Even though you actually are the one who lost her mind, SHE obviously has too much time on her hands!” and
“OMG why does she even care? It’s not like you wrote about a wedding on a wedding blog and she’s actually getting married! Everyone knows that if you disagree with someone on the internet, you obviously give an unhealthy-sized shit about their life.” and
“Wow, she must be made of PURE EVIL to not totally be behind not only you lying to YOUR family, but to also create a wedding blog where you tacitly support others lying to THEIR families!”

The fact that she emailed me, on top of the fact that she’s advocating lying are, of course, totally ignored.

Look, any other military brides or brides in general who may stumble upon this post after reading the drama started by someone who can’t handle disagreement maturely – if you need to get married quickly, for whatever reason – DO IT. If you want to have a party afterwards, do that. If you want to have a vow renewal, do that. If you want to have a whole big wedding re-enactment with the dress and the church and everything else – that’s FINE. If you come from a country or a tradition that calls for a legal ceremony at one point and a church ceremony at another – ALSO FINE.

But don’t, please don’t, lie to your friends and family about it. No matter how many people tell you it’s ok, no matter how many people may kiss your butt about it on your own blog – lying is not ok. Ask yourselfwhy you’re lying. Is it because you don’t feel like you’ll get the attention and celebration you deserve if your family already knows? That’s probably true. If you’re grown up enough to get married, though, you’re grown up enough to accept that. You’re starting your lives together. Don’t start it on a lie.

This is what doesn’t seem to be getting through to so many people, both military and civilian, who do this for any number of reasons. It’s not the two ceremonies that’s wrong. It’s not throwing yourself a wedding when you’re already married that’s wrong (even if it is kind of tacky). The LYING is what is wrong. LYING. It’s not okay. No amount of “WHY DO U EVEN CARE??!!11!!” is going to make lying ok.

Also, as advice to bloggers in general – if you post about your life and then get upset at anyone who disagrees with you, sending hysterical emails about “WHY DO YOU CARE WHAT I DO SO MUCH!!!!” is kind of weird. You posted it on the Internet. People read that shit, you know (but don’t bother to comment – a couple of people told me that dissenting comments are, of course, being deleted).

HOLD YOUR QUESTIONS UNTIL THE END

Internet, I’ve been holding in some big news as best I can (I have been guilty of some Surprise Gap behavior on Twitter). I really wanted to wait until everything was nailed down and completely in place, but everything is 98% certain at the moment and things are going to start to move quickly really soon, so I feel like I should inform you now. Once stuff starts happening, I am going to need you to KEEP UP WITH ME, INTERNET, and I won’t be having all this time to go back and review for you, so it’s best we get it all out in the open now.

A couple of weeks ago, I talked about how I was pretty hopeful about a certain situation, how something was finally actually going right for us. Well, as it turns out, everything is working out pretty much exactly as planned. I’m sorry to have kept you in the dark this long, but there were other parties involved that deserved the courtesy of having all of the information first, before the Internet.

So the news, on its face? It isn’t that exciting. However, it is a very big deal for us. Even though it doesn’t sound like much, it’s huge in our lives because, well, Internet? I’ve been keeping a secret from you for almost a year.

Do you remember my post about unsolicited advice that everyone got all butthurt over? A lot of that stemmed not from my blog, but from this particular situation. I didn’t ever tell the Internet about this specific situation because of the “advice” I would never ask for but would be sure to get anyway. “Have you thought of…,” “Why don’t you just…,” “You should try…” We got it from our families and friends all of the time. Completely obvious suggestions from people with only half the details, absolutely infuriating. OF COURSE WE THOUGHT. OF COURSE WE TRIED.

Anyway, I’m getting off track.

The big news? We’re moving!

We’re not moving far – just onto the base, actually. We had planned on moving onto the base after we got married in October, because usually, base housing is available only to married people. However, October is a long, long time away. Recently, the company that owns the base housing decided to make housing open to single airmen, as well.

This still left a stumbling block for us, though – Phil and I aren’t married, so I don’t have military ID that would allow me on and off base. This pretty much dashed our hopes for a while, but Phil kept at it, looking for a solution. He found out that if I deal with the base security people and go through and background check, and I meet with his big big boss and his big big boss signs a memo saying I’m not a nutter, I can get a long term pass allowing me to go on and off the base freely. The housing people are fine with this as well.

Then, it was just a matter of applying and getting on the waiting list, so Phil submitted our information. While we were waiting to hear, Phil made an appointment so that we could do a walk through of the model house, so I could see how I liked it. When we got to the housing office before viewing the house, we saw that the waiting list was published and Phil was on it – so our application was approved. Hooray!

Phil was #12 on the list. However, three or four people above him on the list have already been offered a house and have 30 days to take possession. Three or four more people above him have later move in dates – they want a house, but not until April or July. So he’s not really #12.  We went to see the house – it’s base housing, so it’s a bit on the old side – and were pleasantly surprised to find out they were redoing all of the houses. They’re quite nice.

It was explained to us that we’re not really #12 on the list, as I said above, and that they were getting houses back from renovations at a rate of 10 per month. Basically, we’re pretty much guaranteed a two bedroom as soon as they come back from being renovated. We’ll have 30 days to take the house, so we’re expecting to get the offer in early February and move in early March.

Anyway – moving 15 minutes away. Woo, big deal, right? Well, here’s where the secret keeping comes in. See, as you might have picked up here and there, like when I talk about the cats, Phil and I have a roommate. The reason Phil and I have a roommate is because Phil owns half of this house and the housing market has taken a huge poo in this area, plus the person who owns the other half of the house wasn’t interested in selling it, nor currently interested in buying out Phil’s half. And that’s the same person who is our roommate. Who is the same person as Phil’s ex-wife.

Mmhm.

Yes, I just said that.

It’s okay if you go back and read it again.

I know. I moved in here in March of last year, and have kept what may sound to be a sitcom-worthy situation from you for almost an entire year.

Read it one more time.

Are we all clear now?

Good.

So. Blah blah blah bombshell, blah blah blah details, we’re moving into our own place!

I don’t have anything bad to say about anyone involved in this situation (except for you, if you were planning on commenting about “Why didn’t you just move out?,” because, shut up). However, as you can imagine, it’s not exactly a low-stress environment, by its very nature. It’s hard to be a “couple” when you have a roommate of any sort, really, let alone an ex. Also, it’s hard to move across the country into a house that isn’t really and never will be “yours.”

As I said, things are going to start to move pretty quickly – I’m leaving for PA this Sunday for 2 weeks, and when I come back it should, in theory, be time to get packing. We don’t own any furniture outside of two bedroom sets, so if you want to visit our new place, I hope you have a hard butt accustomed to floor-like conditions.

I imagine, Internet, that you have some questions about this situation I have kept from you for nearly a year now. I’ll answer them as best I can in the comments. I would have tried to answer them ahead of time in this post but honestly, I have no idea what you’ll even say. I haven’t said anything for this long because one, I am sure the internet would have been all too eager to give me advice I didn’t ask for and two, pretty much the same as number one.

Since the situation is now resolved and we are moving out, I figure it’s pretty safe to reveal the situation because HA HA INTERNET I HAVE FOILED YOU BY SOLVING THE PROBLEM BEFORE I EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT IT.

I AM GLORYING IN INTERNET-ADVICE BONERS SHRIVELING BEFORE ME!

Let me tell you about this passive-aggressive candy bar I met.

Internet, there are very few things in this world I truly dislike. I don’t like sausage. I don’t like Fiona Apple. I don’t like any movies with shooting, violence, explosions, fighting, running, jumping, car chases, bombs, harsh language, aliens, time travel, inter-breeding of species, special effects, animation blended with live action, sad parts, funny parts, dramatic parts, things that jump out at you, red herrings, false alarms, love triangles, or the part of the plot where the girl/guy loses their guy/girl forever except you know it’s not forever because there’s still 20 minutes of movie left, and I hate stubbing my toe.

So really, Internet, you know that I must be serious when I tell you HOW HARD I HATE SNICKERS BARS RIGHT NOW.

Phil is taking a course of steroids for a back injury right now, and I have a raging case of PMS combined with the fact that I’m going wedding dress shopping next week, so it only made sense that yesterday we hopped in our car to drive to the Shell station around the corner to find a whole bunch of fattening crap to stuff into our face holes.

Among other things (which were, of course, a salad and a delightful low-fat low-cal low-sodium low-taste protein bar to power me through my evening work outs-HAHAHAHAHAHA), I chose this:

Please pardon my chicken, it was conveniently sized for covering up a S’mores ice cream stain.

Are you judging me right now, Internet? Maybe for the fact that I bought a Snickers? Or because I have a cooler under my desk so that when Phil and I do actually play WoW together (I totally gave in this weekend, by the way – Fronks & Boones on Drenden, Alliance side), we don’t have to make the 45 second round trip downstairs for sodas? Or maybe you’re one of those assholes who thinks it’s ridiculous for me to drink diet soda with my candy bar, like people who drink diet soda are all universally so stupid that when we order a Big Mac and a Diet Coke, we actually believe the Diet Coke is somehow cancelling out the Big Mac? For that last one, if you are one of those assholes, seriously – have you ever even realized what an asshole you are?

Anyway, my point is – if you are judging me right now, you go right on ahead with your bad self. Because you’re a PERSON and it is your right to run around judging people all willy nilly for whatever you want! I mean, it’s possible to go overboard, of course, but I can’t stop you. Sometimes, when you’re having a really crappy day, judging someone else and finding yourself slightly superior is the one shining moment in the whole shitfest of a day. So you go on and do what you feel you need to do.

But you know who isn’t allowed to judge me?

Candy. Candy is not allowed to judge me. Not even a little. I don’t even want a HINT OF AN IDEA that candy MIGHT be judging me. And while the candy bar pictured above isn’t saying anything outright, I am PRETTY DAMN SURE it doesn’t even approve of me buying it in the first place.

Upon getting in the car and ripping open my Snickers bar before we even left the parking lot (again, judge me if you must, but I just want to say that Phil? He ended up paying for a hot dog WRAPPER because he ATE THE HOT DOG before we even got to the counter) (I’d also like to remind you that Phil is on steroids, so, you know), I pulled out my prize only to discover? IT WAS ONLY HALF A PRIZE.

At first I thought my King Size Snickers bar had broken in half, and I wondered how that was even possible, because have you ever seen a King Size Snickers bar? It’s like as big around as a baby’s arm (don’t even act like you’ve never eaten a Snickers, Internet. I mean, judge me if you want, but don’t LIE about it). And you know what I found on closer inspection? It hadn’t broken in half, because the part where it would have been broken was CLEARLY AND DELIBERATELY CHOCOLATED OVER.

So I took a closer look at the wrapper.

Ok, for some reason, they have taken a perfectly good ridiculously-sized candy bar and broken it into two pieces. I WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE WITH THIS, except for the added INSTRUCTIONS.

That’s right. Instructions. On how to SAVE one of my UNASKED FOR PIECES for later.

And? The two “CONVENIENT” pieces? They were both smaller than an actual, normal-sized Snickers.

Don’t you think, SNICKERS, that if I wanted a normal-sized Snickers, I would have bought a normal-sized Snickers? I WOULD HAVE. But I didn’t. I bought a KING SIZE SNICKERS because I had a KING SIZE NEED for chocolate. I needed CHOCOLATE, not your ATTITUDE, Snickers.

Don’t you see, Internet? Who buys a King Size Snickers without intending to shove the whole thing down their throat right then and there? Don’t tell me, “Well, sometimes people want some Snickers now, and some Snickers later,” because you know what, up until Snickers made this UNREQUESTED two-piecing of their candy bar, that’s what buying two Snickers was for. ESPECIALLY gas station Snickers. You don’t wander into a gas station looking to stock your pantry with snacks for later. You walk into a gas station to buy stuff that is going to be half-digested by the time you arrive at your destination.

Yet, here we have the CANDY BAR ITSELF trying to pass judgement on me, and being pretty effing passive aggressive about it, if you ask me.

You know what, King Size Snickers? This is my you impression:

“Um, TJ, I’m not going to tell you what you should and shouldn’t eat, but you know what I am going to do? I’m going to go ahead and cut myself in half, and then? I’m going to suggest you go ahead and twist my wrapper right around. I’m not going to come right out and say it, but I think you understand that I’m not telling you to twist an empty wrapper here. You should leave half. For another time.”

THAT’S YOU, KING SIZE SNICKERS. THAT WAS ME, DOING YOU. And you know what? You sounded kind of like an ASSHOLE.

If I WANTED a smaller portion of Snickers, I would have bought a smaller portion of Snickers. I don’t need the “helpful” advice, King Size Snickers. I already KNOW I shouldn’t be eating a King Size Snickers. Do you know how I know? Because it’s called KING SIZE and I’m not a king. I’m not even like, 1/32 royalty. I shouldn’t be having ANYTHING meant for kings. Up until you decided to get all WRAPPER-UPPITY, King Size Snickers, your name alone was enough to warn people like, “Dude? Just so you know? I’m meant for kings, so I’m pretty huge. If you’re cool with that, go on ahead and eat me, but by my very name, you should know that I’m not really the best option for someone who isn’t a king.” And you know what? THAT WAS ENOUGH.

Seriously, Snickers people? If you read the Internet? You need to shut your candy the hell up because, rude!

JUST IN CASE IT WASN’T CLEAR: Snickers totally did not pay me to say this stuff about their passive-aggressive, judgmental, SHOULD-MIND-ITS-OWN-BUSINESS candy bar.

January 22, pre-Mexican food

“Hey, I found $3 in my pocket! A fraction of dinner is on me!”

“A fraction of dinner is on you, usually.”

Spooning doesn’t mean I love you, it means I have SURVIVAL INSTINCTS.