Appreciating the sting even when it is directed at you and it kind of hurts but is totally overwhelmed by the absolute awesomeness of the burn.
November 24th, 2009 | by TJ |So, I know that no one really likes to be made fun of. However, I am sure we all participate, on some level, in busting on the people we care about for sport and entertainment. In return, I am sure we all take our fair share of pokes back.
(Oh, by the way? When I say things like “I’m sure that we all…,” I’m pretty much deaf to people coming along and saying that they’re completely different from the sweeping generalization that I’ve made. It’s a problem, I know, and I totally intend on having it checked out when convenient and selective deafness stops being so beneficial to me.)
Anyway, as I was saying, we all know that making fun of one another is the best way to show affection. I mean, Phil and I? FULL OF AFFECTION. So, in the course of busting on each other all day, every day, there is occasionally a insult so stinging and so brutal that it not only burns, but is also hilarious and must be appreciated for the brilliance that it is.
For example, one time, Phil and I were sitting in the Wendy’s drive through, and I was buckling myself back in my seat after climbing over him for a clear view of the drive through menu. In the course of conversation, I asked him,
“Well, don’t you think any other guys would date me?”
“There are plenty of guys who would date you–”
“Aww–”
“– for very short periods of time.”
“Oh… wow. Sick burn!”
It is also evident within my family, as evidenced by my Christmas post from a couple of years ago.
6:45am
Kate: *opens gift of really nice dress pants* Oooooh, ahhhh, etc.
TJ: Oh wow! Those are perfect for delivering pizza!
Kate: *glares, pulls a tiny tank top out of gift box* Oooh, look at this little tank top. This will fit perfectly on my tiny little body. *pointed look at TJ* Don’t start something you can’t finish, SISTER.
TJ: Like when you started growing boobs?
Kate: … *blink*… I can’t even be mad. That was too good.
Parents: *muffle laughter so as not to encourage a Christmas throwdown before 8am*
(You should know that she no longer delivers pizza. She now manages the pizza.)
So, obviously, by these two pieces of evidence related directly to me specifically, I can obviously draw the conclusion that we all appreciate an excellent burn as much as we enjoy making them.
And I’ve got to be honest. This post has an ulterior motive. Phil has two weeks off of work (Hi! If I owe you email or a kidney or interview questions or some other such thing? Please lay your blame at his feet, because how dare he take days off work when he knows full well it throws me completely off my routines) and… wait, what? I’m just going to back out of this paragraph and start again.
So, Phil has two weeks off of work, and I don’t want to deplete my entire stocked up burn pantry due to over exposure to my significant other. So spill it, Internet. I would like to hear your sick burns. You know, the ones you had to appreciate when they were at your expense, or the ones so perfectly clever and crafted that the target had to admit its awesomeness. I want to hear your best examples, whether you be the burner, or the burnee.
By Awlbiste on Nov 24, 2009
I don’t have anything to share because I have memory problems. However I constantly make fun of my boyfriend (because I am both hilarious and really mean) and yet somehow he is still with me. Probably because I am hilarious.
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TJ Reply:
November 24th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
I suspect Phil stays with me for the same reason. Or because he’s scared of me. Probably a combination of both.
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By MiddleAged&Crazy on Nov 24, 2009
Recently several of my co-workers and I was sitting around, our lounge the other day talking about how we had not gotten together in a long time. One made a comment about not being invited back to his friends house, with the friend replying, well your wife is over all the time.
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TJ Reply:
November 24th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Haha ouch, nice one.
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By Roast on Nov 24, 2009
We are constantly jawing back and forth in the office to each other. I was standing with a couple guys, and going back and forth, and one says to me “Dude, if you don’t stop doing that, I’m totally going to ruin your Thanksgiving”.
I respond with, “You’re going to ruin my Thanksgiving? How so, by inviting your self over to my house?”
Everybody laughed including him, but now it just sounds harsh and I feel kind of bad.
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TJ Reply:
November 24th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
Hm, I think he would have to appreciate the quickness of your wit there.
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By Dzargul on Nov 24, 2009
Scene: My family Christmas where I my girlfriend is meeting everyone for the first time. Everyone is tired and the conversation is slowing.
Me: (trying to mentally grasp) Ack…what is that word that means to put yourself down? Self-defecate?
GF: (calmly) It’s ‘deprecate’, honey. You just pooped on yourself.
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TJ Reply:
November 24th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
That definitely sounds like something Phil would do.
Say the wrong word, I mean. Not poop on himself.
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By JdJdJd on Nov 24, 2009
Need a short explanation to this one first. My first husband and I actually lived together for many years before we actually tied the knot. Both of our children were born before the actual marriage.
During a very heated arguement with my then teenage daughter (heated as in yelling match).
Me: Go to your room and stay there until dinner.
Daughter; You bastard!
Me: At least MY parents were actually married when I was born.
She soo wanted to laugh even though she was really really pissed. I wish I had a picture of the look on her face.
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TJ Reply:
November 24th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
I almost want to get pregnant right now so I can use that one some day.
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Mel Reply:
November 24th, 2009 at 8:44 pm
So you actually burned yourself? That’s a good one.
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Jdjdjd Reply:
November 24th, 2009 at 11:43 pm
No, didn’t burn myself. I pointed out that SHE was a bastard, not me. How would I be burning myself?
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By Bre on Nov 24, 2009
Many moons ago, my younger brother and I (he was 11, I was 16)were helping my mom set up the backyard for our annual Halloween party.
For some reason I started to hum “Here Comes the Bride.”
My brother in his pre-pubescent voice, laughed and said, ” That is one song you are never going to hear.”
After the initial gasp, my mom and I had to agree, he got me good. We still tell the story over 15 years later.
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TJ Reply:
November 24th, 2009 at 7:33 pm
Isn’t it really strange when you realize your younger siblings are not the dumbasses you always assumed they were?
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By Evil Sheep on Nov 24, 2009
It’s a bit on the adult side, so feel free to delete if you feel it is offensive, Teej.
Scene: At the bar hanging with my then-girlfriend (now wife) and some of our friends. Her best friend and I were jawing back and forth, when I said something she took offense at. She took a huge mouthful of beer, and pretended she was going to spit it at me.
Without thinking, I immediately opened my mouth and said “Hmm, that’s funny, I always heard you swallowed.” She almost choked on her beer, and to this day a spit-face from any of our group will make her face beet-red.
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TJ Reply:
November 24th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
HA. I am not offended. I think that was hilarious. I don’t know if it would go over as well if I tried to use it on Phil, though.
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By Llinkla on Nov 25, 2009
Im not a morning person. We have to make sure there are no sharp objects around so no one gets hurt if they wake me kind of thing.
One morning my husband who works the night shift came busting in at 7am. Seven… AM…
Husband: “Honey honey I have the funniest joke!! Omg your going to laugh so hard.”
Me: “I’ve already seen you naked. It was not funny then, it wont be funny now. Get the hell out.”
I have no memory of this conversation. Just told to me by a very sad looking husband next to a pile of crumpled tissues.
Later that day he bought me mountain dew and a box of chocolates, Im the luckiest girl in the world. <3
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Steven Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 10:05 am
I want to know what the funny joke your husband had was.
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By Zoei on Nov 25, 2009
My then-boyfriend pulled into a parking space next to another car and asked me if I had enough space to get out. With a smirk, I answered “how fat do you think I am?”. Silently, he backed up, and pulled into the parking spot again, leaving me much more space than before.
Though silent, this is the best burn I have ever received, and was absolutely hilarious.
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By Cimmerius on Nov 25, 2009
Scene: a co-worker came in as he was getting over a cold.
Me: You look terrible.
Co-worker: I feel terrible.
Me: No, not because you’re sick. You look terrible.
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By Kelmar on Nov 25, 2009
My ex-wife got ahem… obese. Being the type of guy I am, I never much mentioned it sorta.
We divorced. Not over the obese thing. Needless to say, when I started looking again, I went for much slimmer.
Years later, I open a Myspace account and several old girlfriends found me and asked for a friend request which I thought no big deal.
Enter the current wife, WTF are these people you have slept with on your myspace?!
I see everyone but your Ex on there? What!? She too big to fit on your friends list?
I still wince when telling that one.
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By GHOSTKID on Nov 25, 2009
Two things need to be known to appreciate my story…
My wife and I tease each other relentlessly, to the point where other people think we may not like one another.
When I get her a gift I totally nail it every time. I have been very lucky.
Our 15th Anniversary was coming up and my wife and I were at a Bar-B-Q with friends. My wife was bragging about how I always get her the perfect gift. It’s always something she can use, even if she hasn’t dropped any hints.
One of her girl friends, knowing our Anniversary was fast approaching, asked me what I have got my wife for this special occasion. “What custom-picked thing did you get her? What are you going to give her that she can use this year?”
I sipped my beer and responded, “A coffin.”
Everyone except my wife laughed. She slugged me in the arm.
Later that evening I heard her on the phone with her mother. They both laughed to the point of tears.
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By Savvy on Nov 29, 2009
A few years ago I was on my way home from my grandmother’s birthday party, and stopped in a gas station for a pack of soda.
The cashier happened to be someone who I’d known in high school, who’d hated me then and still does, I imagine.
He was doing his best to be generally annoying and before I left, he looked at the way I was dressed, which was rather nicely, and asked, “Where are YOU going?”
I answered him with, “College.”
It may have been a little harsh, but since I’ve met him the man has been horrible, and I couldn’t help myself.
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