Stand back, they’re going to flail.
November 23rd, 2009 | by TJ |So today, going by some of the advice in my last post, Phil and I decided to take Brinkley out to the park at the end of the block and make him run in circles until he hated us, but was also too exhausted to express his hatred through destruction of my belongings.
Unfortunately, it was the most poorly timed walk in the history of the world, as not only were two guys on huge mowers tearing across the grass all willy nilly with no thought for what was sure to be an inevitable collision and flying limbs, but also, school had just let out, apparently, and hordes upon hordes of kids were streaming across the park.
At least, as we approached the park, it appeared that kids were crisscrossing through it to reach their homes, but as we got closer, there were definitely two distinct groups of teenagers approaching each other.
With MENACE.
So, apparently? I’ve turned into the middle point between young-but-old-enough person and old lady with regard to teenagers. When faced with one or two teenagers, I find myself to be young-but-old-enough to roll my eyes at them and their shenanigans because, come on, they don’t even realize how ridiculous they are and take themselves so seriously! I used to do that!
But I’m also verging on old person because when faced with teenagers in a pack formation, like today? I asked Phil if he had his phone and was ready to ruin some teenage fun by calling the police. Because they were advancing on each other. Menacingly. I am old lady enough to find teenagers menacing.
To be fair, there was like six or seven or maybe even eight hundred of them. Not really. But it seemed like it. Not really. I’m just trying to paint a mental picture for you that is both accurate and doesn’t make me look like a weenie. Let’s just agree that there was a SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT of teenagers.
So anyway, these two groups of teenagers are like, inching towards each other, and nothing at all is happening, so we start looking around for a place for Brinkley to play without being chased down by the Willy Nilly Mowing Co. and all of a sudden, across the park, the teenagers suddenly just converge into an arm waving knot of half-grown bodies. We didn’t even hear or see anything, it was like someone blew the teenager version of a dog whistle and they all ran to the center of what they had all silently but unanimously decided was to be the center of their action. All at once.
(You can’t even get one teenager to like, clean their room, but you can get 800 of them to act in synchronization with no audible cue? It’s like teenagers are almost as complicated as they’d like to believe they are.)
So there’s all these arms waving, and this looks pretty dramatic because keep in mind that six or seven or eight hundred teenagers have up to SIXTEEN HUNDRED ARMS to wave, but it soon became clear that in the middle of this teeming mass were two boys fighting.
So, apparently, something I wasn’t aware of as a teenager, but is suddenly very clear to me as an adult – teenagers fighting with hordes of other teenagers standing around cheering them on is SO NOT COOL. So, Phil called 911. And got a recording, of course. However, just as he was hearing the recording, someone must have blown the teenage whistle again, because they all scattered, all at once. Honestly, if it wasn’t so potentially bloody, it would have been very interesting. They all kind of act as one, those teenagers. We are pretty sure the teenager whistle sounds a lot like a parent yelling “I’M CALLING THE COPS” from her car near the park.
The whole thing seriously lasted less than 2 minutes, and of course the police showed up well after every teenager had cleared out and left nothing behind except a thick cloud of the Asshole Hormone. I don’t know when I started finding large groups of teenagers so menacing, but honesty to pete, what a bunch of fucking hooligans. Not just the two fighting, but the 798 hanging around there egging them on. Coordinated egging, even.
Arizona, I reiterate – your teenagers are assholes. But synchronized assholes, which is actually a little bit cool. Except, they fight, so take away the points I just gave them for being synchronized. So basically? Your teenagers are assholes.
By klaki on Nov 23, 2009
It was about the same age when I started looking at teenagers for what they really were… rude, crude, don’t give a crap about anybody else… well you get the picture. There are a few (very little) exceptions. However, for the most part, they tend to have no manners. I blame rap music… PERIOD!
On a side note, it was also the same age, when some of the songs I loved were started to be considered classic rock :( Gotta love getting old.
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By Skraps on Nov 23, 2009
Saturday night, I left the house at 8:30 to take the boy to a all night Boy Scout event. As we passed the park near our house there was a large group of teens at the park. Like 20-25 of them, the first thing I thought was ohhh the park is closed I should call the police.
How did I get so old that I wanted to call the police for kids loitering in the park?
@ Klaki
I started feeling old when I was in the grocery store and they were playing The Cure as shopping music. How The Cure become music to grocery shop too?
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By Shin Ae on Nov 23, 2009
Ugh. Been in the middle of that before. Sucks and is scary. I completely agree with the 911 call.
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By Mel on Nov 23, 2009
You are so full of funny! I spent my lunch break today catching up on your recent blog posts, because it’s a great way to brighten my day. I think we should be BFFs :)
I have two teenage sisters so I can tell you from experience they’re ALL fucking hooligans, from Arizona all the way to New York. And these are not even city hooligans, they’re redneck hooligans. I’ve heard rumors around here since I was in high school a million years ago of the Northeast Mafia – a “gang” of little bastards that run around town doing what? Tipping cows? Ooh, those are some tough kiddies.
Damn, now I feel old.
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By Angie on Nov 23, 2009
I feel your pain but unlike you I AM actually old – so old I even have some of those teenage creatures of my own – 3 of them in fact and one in training! & I have to be honest, while my head aches at trying to decipher phone messages, & my eyes go into spasms with the amount of eye rolling that comes from actually LISTENING (as opposed to completely tuning out) a conversation between them & their mates – they are a LOT of fun to be around.
I don’t like kids, never have, & doubt that’s going to change. Any “maternal instincts” that were supposed to come my way, missed their mark & the only reason I have so many of my own is because it saved me having to make a decision about what I was going to do with my life – they are the manifestation of my “procrastination phase” :D
But…as teenagers I find them to be wonderful creatures. They are full of contradictions & plans for the future, they’re bright & healthy & hilariously funny (albeit mostly when they don’t mean to be). I can see how in packs they would be scary – especially if they are fighting – & your culture is different to ours (Aussie here) so I can’t speak to gangs & the similar, but I know my own lot & their friends constantly make me smile, often turn me a little nostalgic & always, always surprise me with just how intelligent, caring and insightful they can be.
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By Dzargul on Nov 23, 2009
After 20+ years of Law and Order I can’t believe that these teenagers don’t see how this works. Or maybe they can’t do the math.
Do they still teach math in school?
If you and your 400 friends show up and you seriously hurt/damage/kill the other guy in front of HIS 400 friends…well…now you have UP TO 800 witnesses.
Purile teenage rage only works in private moments.
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By Carrie on Nov 24, 2009
Rather than a whistle, I’d liken it to cockroaches and someone turned on the light.
But then again, they may have been theater kids, practicing for their next production of West Side Story. You never know with kids these days! (The fact that I keep saying “kids these days” makes me feel old too.) *waves cane*
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By Shelly on Nov 24, 2009
Synchronized fighting is all the rage these days.
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By Bernie on Nov 24, 2009
Been there and done that. I’ve been on both sides of the circle and in the center. Isn’t it amazing how many showed up for the gladitorial spectacle? We can thank social networking that entrepenuers so love for the size of thew crowd. Back in the day maybe 15 or so would show, but now it’s a media event.
Check You Tube for the vids. Hey at least there werte no guns.
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By Delicia on Nov 26, 2009
Ugh teenagers suck. Having raised one,and now in the midst of another, I’d have to say they are the most infuriating people to have to deal with. I’d rather have to call Dell tech support every day for the rest of my life than have to tell my teenager ONE MORE TIME to pick up his damn clothes off the floor or have his stupid little jump drive he’s supposed to have for school work go through the wash yet again in a pants pocket. I love my kids, but I can’t wait until they are past this stage and we can be friends instead of battling all the time. A pack of teenagers? Even worse..
-Del
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