You’re still busy, I’ve still got time.
November 19th, 2009 | by TJ |
So, Internet, just like last month (actually, it wasn’t a whole month ago because I did it totally late in the month because Phil had my Cosmo in the bathroom), I have here the newest issue of Cosmo for you.
You’re busy people, with jobs and kids and lives, and even Cosmo doesn’t think that you have time to read Cosmo, judging by the page in every issue that sums it up for you so that you don’t have to read that whole thing.
But me, I’m always thinking, and I was even more concerned for you, so I thought, what if you don’t even have time to BUY Cosmo? And that is why I am summing it up for you.
Like last month, I’m just going to turn pages until I come so something interesting. Let’s all just assume there’s 85 pages of advertisements in between.
First of all, we get right to the story about our cover girl, Fergie. Here’s what stood out to me, in the Fergie article:
“You know, in Italy, Catholic boys are raised to believe that there are two types of women: the Madonna and the whore. … And me? I’m both.”
You don’t say, Fergie! You mean, you have like, at least two sides to you? Depth of character? Sometimes you feel one way and other times you feel another way? And you don’t always act the exact same way every single day? Goddamn Fergie, you’ve done it again, giving us ordinary, one-dimensional females something to shoot for. Ladies, we too can have more than one aspect to our personalities!! Thank you, Fergie!
Moving on, this Etsee Lauder ad for Sensuous perfume one, doesn’t smell like magazine pages, and two, isn’t actually half bad and my birthday is in 17 days, just saying.
Next, a one-sheet article on why taken men seem sexier. Oh, I know this one! Because you’re either a whore, like half of Fergie is, or you’re human, and naturally want what you can’t have! Man, if Cosmo was a test on common sense, I would totally win this magazine.
NEWS: Rhianna has changed her hair a bunch of times over her career. So… do what you will with that. Because… yeah.
Hidden Secrets His Hug Reveals. Didn’t we go over this last month, when I told you that no guy is communicating his true feelings by unconsciously forming his hands into the sign language for “I love you?” Yeah, pretty much the same thing. When Phil hugs me, the type of hug is usually dictated by how easily he can reach my boobs.
Instructions on how to turn a one night stand into a relationship? I’m skipping this page for you, Internet. You need to be more like Fergie and stop being 100% whore. She’s only 50% whore, you know.
Fashion section! Let’s see, this month we have… me turning pages really quickly because don’t, oh god don’t, I mean, if you want to wear a blazer, go ahead, but it should not look like any of these. Also? Tight fitting animal print dresses, with very few exceptions, make you look like Fergie’s bad 50%. Also? The whole “Perfect Presents” fashion page? You can buy pretty much all of it on Etsy, so if I catch you paying $32 for stripedey gloves, you’re banned.
Some tips: Holding your phone next to your face all the time will make it break out; Cosmo suggests that to save time, you smudge eye pencil instead of eyeshadow and somehow manage to not look like a battered raccoon late for an AA meeting; also, don’t pick off your nail polish, because it makes you look trashy, and Cosmo doesn’t want you to be seen holding their magazine because it’s ruining their image. I don’t want to have to do this, but it’s directed specifically to you. Yeah, you. Sorry. Cosmo isn’t really thrilled with you lately.
Big article here – Make His #1 Sex Wish Come True! TJ Cliff notes – I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that having sex with him should pretty much be enough. If you feel like you need to go for extra points, turn on the lights or something. I’m sure he’ll be pleased.
God, this stuff is stupid. I mean, ok, sorry, taking a break for a second here, but how about we all just agree to this? We’ll all go home today and say “Hey, honey, do you have a #1 sex wish, after you filter out all the stuff that is illegal or might make me want to leave you if you say it out loud? Ok, let’s do that.” Damn.
Now here’s a special section, the Guy Love Diaries. They had some guys write down all of their thoughts about their women for some days. I pretty much stopped taking it seriously on the first page of the article, because I read this 3 or 4 days ago and just stopped laughing when they threatened to insert a feeding tube:
“At work, thinking about Sara. When girls get together at showers and bachelorette parties, they usually talk about boys and swap sex techniques. Sara always comes back with new sex tricks and great fellatio.”
I’ll wait until you get yourself under control after reading that.
First, um, men? If you truly think that? I… ah… no. Just… no. Second? Paul, writer of this secret diary? If you are reading this, I suggest you tail Sara the next time she goes “out with the girls” because if she’s coming home with a rack of new sex techniques, she’s not at a goddamn bridal shower. Because just no.
Cosmo wants you to know that they’ve declared it to be officially okay for women to pick up men now, but only if you do it in a bold, daring way like they detail in this article. Walking up, introducing yourself and asking for a number isn’t going to cut it. God, stop being so simple and plain, Internet. Take a lesson from Fergie, who has managed to develop two different parts to her personality.
The Simple Trick That Gets You What You Want – I’m not being fooled into reading this… STEALTH OPRAH. How about work for it? Ok. End. God, this magazine could be like, 6 pages long and I wouldn’t have to do Cliff’s Notes because you could read the whole damn thing in line at the grocery store.
More tips: Save money by NOT having your hair professionally blow dried! Or by shopping holiday sales! Also? If you just magically become less stressed, you’ll be less bitchy. Apparently, Collegehumor.com will help you be less stressed, thus less of a fucking bitch.
Ok, here’s something good. A huge article on the Hidden Danger of Breakups. Thinking about this from a Cosmo/Bridget Jones type angle, the hidden break up danger they probably really want to tell us about, judging by the rest of the magazine, is that if you let yourself go all to hell and don’t buy $32 stripedy gloves or sequined miniskirts, your man will probably leave you and you’re not getting any younger, so you’ll probably be old and alone forever and the entire purpose of Cosmo is to make sure YOU LAND AND KEEP THAT MAN!!! So, don’t make Cosmo out to look like a fool by getting dumped, because Cosmo doesn’t LIKE to be made to look like a fool, if you get my drift.
Cosmo doesn’t. Like. That.
Oh, but apparently, the article is really about how if you break up with a guy, you should probably suspect that he’s about to kill you because that’s what happens according to Cosmo.
If you make them look like a FOOL.
Hey, here’s something actually KIND of good, but I’m only judging it by the title because I don’t want to be disappointed by the article. From the headline and pictures, I’m gonna say that Cosmo agrees with me and thinks that just because you put your M&Ms in color order and put your shoes on right shoe first, it doesn’t mean you have OCD. I mean, some people certainly do have OCD. But it’s pretty likely that you don’t. And you’re just like everyone else who does certain things in certain order because we have been on this earth for like, 20, 30, 40 or more years and we develop HABITS. Not OCD. Get over yourself. Unless you have OCD. Then carry on with your bad M&M counting self.
Aaand I think pretty much the last thing you need to know from this month’s Cosmo is that this winter? We’re all wearing butt cheek showing lingerie outside, especially into dark alleys. That, apparently, is the December fashion.
Do NOT disappoint Cosmo.
By Tami on Nov 19, 2009
I am loving the TJ’s Notes versions of the magazine.
Also, you’re tweeting about how much you like reading your blog posts aloud. I’m be tempted to encourage you to do a podcast or something, but only if I still get the text-version for reading while at work (when I need something interesting to do after hours of drudgery).
I’m actually kinda curious to know what Fergie’s definition of “Madonna” is.
The context implies that she knows it’s not the singer, but (and maybe this is my non-churchness rearing its ugly head) what personality traits does one associate with “Madonna”?
Regardless, I loved your rant on the single-personality thing. I hate those placement/personality tests that don’t give context. “Do you believe the following to be True or False? While the cat’s away, the mice will play!”
Firstly, if I’m on a job interview, I KNOW what you want me to say there. Stupid.
Secondly, are you asking if that’s how I behave? Or are you asking me if I think OTHER people behave that way? Also, is my boss a jerk or a great motivator? Also the second, what’s my job? If I’m working warehouse, I’m probably playing paper football and broken-part-golf WITH my boss.
BAH.
Also, folks (and not just women, like Cosmo would have you believe) – if you’re so concerned about how the love of your life feels about you, may I recommend asking them, rather than psycho-analyzing every hug and gesture?
Because seriously? That’s creepy.
Furthermore, Etsy rocks. <3
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TJ Reply:
November 19th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Can I say how awesome it is that you addressed every single part of a 1500 word post that struck your fancy? That is commenting dedication right there.
Also, I believe in Catholicism (am not Catholic, don’t quote me) the Madonna is generally understood to be Mary, you know, the virgin, the mother figure, pure, chaste, etc.
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Tami Reply:
November 19th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
I credit any awesomeness in commenting to PWC!
Also…does that mean that both of Fergie’s personality sides are totally defined by sex? Either doing it with anyone willing to pay, or never doing it at all?
That poor woman. She needs a hobby. One that doesn’t involve her nether regions. *tsk, tsk*
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Chaninn Reply:
November 20th, 2009 at 10:45 am
Another conundrum regarding Madonna symbolism is how can the Madonna(who according to the bible had at least 5 children) be “chaste”? Sure there was the “immaculate conception” but she sure didn’t waste time after that.
The biblical Madonna was definately getting some!
By TheWicked on Nov 19, 2009
Guys view sex like they view pizza.
When it’s good it’s freakin’ awesome.
When it’s bad, well, it’s still good because it’s still pizza.
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TheWicked Reply:
November 19th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Man I wish I could edit my comments. I think I messed up the whole it’s/its thing. I never get that one right. Please excuse my idiocy.
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TJ Reply:
November 19th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
You didn’t mess it up, you’re fine!
I have been looking into adding editing capabilities, however.
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Kestrel Reply:
November 20th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
I’m a fan of Ajax Edit Comments for WordPress.
john the diver Reply:
November 19th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Being the awesome dad that I am, while having the sex/condom talk with my 14 year old son for the 100th time last week I used this analogy.
Sex is like pizza, when it is good, it is awesome.
When it is bad it is still pretty darn good, cause you know…it is pizza.
And don’t be afraid to ask what she likes on her pizza, cause if you don’t she may never share a pizza with you again.
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Tami Reply:
November 19th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
That…that was pretty awesome. <3
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By Bellwether on Nov 19, 2009
I’m so glad I don’t have to buy this magazine anymore because TJ will review it for me!
AWESOME.
Money saved. Ka-ching!
(…that was lame)
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Bellwether Reply:
November 19th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Oh man, I think it looks like I’m calling you lame but I really mean the ka-ching was lame and amg I’m sorry I am so bad T_T
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By Katie on Nov 19, 2009
“I suggest you tail Sara the next time she goes “out with the girls” because if she’s coming home with a rack of new sex techniques, she’s not at a goddamn bridal shower. Because just no.”
Unless she and her girlfriends do all of their “bridal showers” at a Chippendale’s club. But even then you might have a reason to be worried.
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TJ Reply:
November 19th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
I find it very amusing that men seem to think that women exchange sex tips whenever we are out in groups together.
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By Matt on Nov 19, 2009
There is nothing wrong with sorting M&M’s.
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TJ Reply:
November 19th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
No one said there was! I’m saying that just because you sort your M&Ms does not mean you have OCD.
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Matt Reply:
November 19th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
Proof that I need the editing capabilities turned on.
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By Shin Ae on Nov 19, 2009
You’re way more amusing than Cosmo.
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By Amy on Nov 19, 2009
Still laughing! Love the Cosmo review and I’m going to share the link with my Cosmo buying friends (so they too shall be enlightened). Good stuff!
And serious…. did Paul really think his girlfriend sits around at parties and swaps fellatio tips and tricks with her girl chums? No. Really???
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By HokieJayBee on Nov 19, 2009
a couple things:
[1] holy crap funny on the sex:pizza analogy. my son is only two and a half, but i’m going to try and save that one. at least until he’s eight. side note: TJ you would be happy to know i’m three weeks deep into getting him to say “BEHOLD” instead “look at this”. it’s turning out fabulous.
[b] yes, i just said fabulous. but i’m not backspacing.
[three] i must say that cosmo itself holds zero interest for me. but i do thoroughly enjoy the TJ cliff notes version. do you take requests? other magazines? TV shows? movies? i’d be willing to pay. i could get the cliff notes version of a show or movie i don’t want to watch, but for some reason should watch to have some drawn out conversation with someone i don’t want to talk to at work about their favorite show/movie, just to buttkiss them because it’s probably good for my career – but not really have to watch it – AND, and, AND get the additional bonus of TJ’s color commentary.
please e-mail your pricing chart based on length of said magazine, show, or movie – and how much you really don’t want to watch it either, therefore increasing the price i guess.
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TJ Reply:
November 19th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
Sure, I can do other things. First of all, because that was my last issue of Cosmo, according to the dire threats they’ve been sending me about not renewing, and second, because Tami would like it if I’d record my reviews so that you can get the full effect, so I will need some suggestions of things I can shorten up for you.
I also get a ton of bridal magazines, Glamour, Elle, Martha Stewart Living, and a ton of other lady stuff. And I watch a LOT of TV.
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Melissa Reply:
November 19th, 2009 at 9:16 pm
I would totally buy you a Cosmo subscription – as a gift – so you could write cliffs notes for me so I wouldn’t have to read it. (Not that I would.)
I’m serious.
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Chaninn Reply:
November 20th, 2009 at 10:49 am
I would LOVE to hear your version of the Twilight series. I can’t stand the books (read 1 & 2, took 3 & 4 back to the store unread) and never saw the movies.
Swistle Reply:
November 20th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
I think we need to take up a collection for a renewal. No, really, I do think so. I would totally pitch in a couple of bucks.
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By Kelmar on Nov 19, 2009
The Cosmo reviews are great! However, if you get to read the smut that is Cosmo… what kind of smut does Phil get to read in return?
See TJ, life is about options and fairness and when you are in a relationship that… O crap, wife is showing boobs again…
BYE!
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TJ Reply:
November 19th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
Ah, believe me, Phil’s life is not lacking for smut and boobs.
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Swistle Reply:
November 20th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
I’m SURE Phil gets to read ALL the magazines he wants about pleasing his woman, holding on to his woman, and figuring out how his woman really feels. Turnabout is fair play.
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By Emma on Nov 19, 2009
When I get home I’m going to ask my boyfriend “Hey, honey, do you have a #1 sex wish, after you filter out all the stuff that is illegal or might make me want to leave you if you say it out loud?” Then I’m going to tell him it’s part of the PWC Challenge. Then he’s going send you an extravagant gift, I have no doubt.
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TJ Reply:
November 19th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
I only like silver, white gold and platinum. No yellow gold. It makes me look sallow.
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By Shelly on Nov 19, 2009
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Yep, follow Sara. She’s not at any bridal shower I’ve ever been to.
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Katie Reply:
November 19th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
See, only exception I can think of is a lingerie party. Where that and other “personal” items for the honeymoon would be gifted.
And that would be a party that you DON’T invite your relatives to.
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Willow Reply:
November 19th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
I’ve been to a few bridal showers that were either lingerie parties or “toy” parties…but my friends are pretty much freaks so….yeah. *grin*
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TJ Reply:
November 19th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
It may be just me, but EVEN AT a toy party or something of the like, I may giggle or “ooh and ahh” but would never get into actually sharing sex tips and techniques.
Even with dildos and vibrating underpants flying around all willy nilly, I can’t even imagine saying, “You know what I find works really well when I am having sexual relations with my sexual partner?”
Never!
By Awlbiste on Nov 19, 2009
Just pretend everything we talked about on twitter was posted here so that it’s official.
And to reiterate: I’ve never asked for or been asked for any kind of sex tips or information from female friends. Not only does that topic never come up, I really don’t want it to. The second someone starts talking about their sex life I then have to picture it, and I have NO DESIRE to picture my friends having sex. Call me prude, but ew.
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By Bernie on Nov 19, 2009
Hugs you say? On our first date when I hugged my wife I got a slap. I still do what I got slapped for, but no slaps. Am I doing it wrong now?
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By Phil on Nov 19, 2009
Complete win.
Also, Fergie? Did you know she lied about her statistics?
After doing like, I dunno, 5 minutes of research? I found out that’s she’s actually more of a whore than she let on!
*gasp perceptif*
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By Zoei on Nov 20, 2009
First time commenter (who isn’t following your people who comment rules… SHAME!). I’ve been reading you for a while, and enjoying most of what you put up. These Cosmo summaries get me all fan-girley, and for that I want to thank you! You rock. Hard. Keep it up!
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By Maebius on Nov 20, 2009
<3 TJ.
I need to have my own He-who-Comments-on-Blogs challenge, since I suck at it, but I still read every.. last… freakin.. word.
Almost makes me want ot go read cosmo so I cna see what drivel they are filling hte heads of my neighbor's with.
Thanks to TJ, I don't have to anymore!
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By morgan on Nov 20, 2009
Wait, you mean girls don’t have pillow fights in lingerie when they hang out together?! Why would you take that away from me?
… I don’t believe it!
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By Swistle on Nov 20, 2009
I just love these. I always think I’m just to skim your review quick, and then that never happens, I always end up wallowing.
Also, that creature on the cover doesn’t look anything like Fergie.
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By Aunt Becky on Nov 20, 2009
Wait, THAT is Fergie? That looks nothing like her.
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By Zaw on Nov 21, 2009
What about a truly lovely shirt – loads of lace and ruffles and a plainish fitted long skirt. That way you can fit around the lumps and still end up in an outfit you can move in. That, comfortable shoes and a good bouquet will get you through a lot of wedding.
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