Resigned to the situation
November 13th, 2009 | by TJ |You know how when you’re young, and you’re also a girl (this will require more imaginative work from some of the audience than required from the rest), you date guys and if there’s something kind of obnoxious about him, you just figure you’ll change it later?
And then you get older and you realize that the best option, really, is to just choose someone you hate the least?
Basically, you accept that whatever a guy is, that’s what he is and you’re never going to change him at all.
Well, obviously the same goes for men changing women but the very idea that they’d ever assume it was possible is so hilarious that I’m going to laugh, ha ha ha haaaa, while giving all the men in the audience a scary eye so intimidating that they continue to pretend to be young girls in hopes I won’t spot them.
Anyway, I figure, once you’re in a relationship, the only person who can really decide to change anything about you is yourself. And there are some things that maybe you should change.
For example, I need to work on the fact that I refuse to acknowledge any feelings that Phil has unless they are verbally and perfectly clearly expressed to me the very moment he has said feels. Because that is what I do.
Loudly and immediately.
When someone has upset me, there is no mystery about it.
It is not fair of me to expect Phil to be so clear and concise and understandable. Even though it doesn’t make any sense why he isn’t. I have to accept the fact that Phil doesn’t make sense. Because I can’t change him. Even though it would make sense.
So really, it falls on me to make changes in myself if there are things which are not so (what is the opposite of detrimental? I’m just going with what comes to mind, I’m typing in a hurry) trimental to our relationship.
However, when thinking about it in the same realistic way that you realize that finding someone you can tolerate is way easier than finding someone perfect, I realize that there are also things about me that will never change, even though I realize what a burden they must be on Phil.
First of all? From wherever I am in the house, I will always yell for him, rather than go find him. And then I will sit and wait until he comes to me. If he doesn’t come to me, when I do finally get around to getting up, usually when I have to pee or after whatever television show I was watching, I accuse him of ignoring me and hating me. However, when he yells for me? I stay right where I am and yell back that he knows it’s impossible to hear anyone yelling in this house, why doesn’t he just COME TO ME instead? Damn.
Also? I tell him what he is thinking, especially in regards to me, all day long. And to be honest, I make him seem like kind of a dick.
“You think I look stupid, don’t you?”
“You hate this, you hate everything I’m wearing.”
“I know what you’re thinking, this make up makes me look like a chimpanzee whore.”
“You hate me, I know, but stop thinking about where to hide my body.”
“You wish I would shut up, stop being so mean.”
“Stop looking at me with that face. I know what that means. That means you wish the house would crack in half and the part I am standing in would fall into the earth never to be seen again but the part with you and the video games and the dog would be perfectly find and you’d get to live in half a house and people would feel bad for you because I fell into the earth and would set up a tourist trade around The Man Who Lives in Half a House to help you through your tough time and you and the dog would be rich and you’d be able to afford someone to clean all the smudges off the glass that they’d use to make up the wall of the missing half of the house and you probably wouldn’t even start to feel bad until you realized that you don’t know how to grocery shop effectively. Stop LOOKING at me like that. ASSHOLE.”
Thirdly? Even though there may seem to be some light at the end of the soda can situation tunnel, where for a week or two I really make a concerted effort to deal with said soda cans? I am pretty much always going to go back to letting them collect on my desk until he can’t stand it, then getting unreasonably upset when he tries to take them away.
I said unreasonably so I don’t actually have to explain my reasons to you.
I assume that there are things about you that you would like to work on improving within the context of a relationship (if you say that there aren’t, you’re a big fat lying pants because remember, no one is perfect and we choose partners we hate the least and that goes for YOUR other half as well), which means that of course there are also horrible things that you have no intention of ever changing. What do you fully admit is going to burden your significant other forever?
Also? You can stop pretending to be young girls now. Unless you were into it. Hey, it’s Friday. Get down with your bad self.
By Tchann on Nov 13, 2009
I wish my husband would do the dishes. Reliably. Like, without me having to leash him to the sink whenever the kitchen starts to smell bad, and then ignoring his persistent whines.
It’d be really nice. :: sighs wistfully ::
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By Adlib on Nov 13, 2009
Where to start? I am so anal about housework which is weird because I don’t even dust except when it gets so bad I can’t live with it any more (either that or we lose the cat in it). One thing I should work on is probably just letting it go if I see my husband load the dishwasher wrong since I’m the one that always starts it anyway. I keep immediately rearranging stuff he *just* put in there. I’m one of those people that have “right” ways of doing stuff like that. I should probably just be glad he put it in there to begin with. It probably bothers me to an unhealthy degree so I will definitely try to work on that.
I’m just glad we have separate bathrooms because I went in his last night to take the trash out, and I thought a toothpaste-bomb exploded on the sink. Ew.
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Kestrel Reply:
November 13th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
I may not always be the one who starts the dishwasher (I do maybe 2/3 of the time) but I am the one who empties it, 100% of the time (division of labor and all that). And it drives me nuts that my wife insists on putting skinny glasses in the same row where only her fat plastic cups (and my coffee mugs) fit. Arghhh!
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By Kestrel on Nov 13, 2009
I am a person who comments, but thanks to your example (and inspiration) I’m trying to comment even more.
But this post…
…
Yeah. No. I don’t know. (And for the record, I was not imagining myself as a young girl.)
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By Rhy on Nov 13, 2009
I really suck at expressing myself when I am upset about something — he should KNOW what’s wrong (yes, I know this is completely irrational), since I can’t find the words to explain it. When HE is upset, however, if I don’t figure it out myself within 30 seconds I expect him to concisely explain what the problem is, because I’m not psychic, dangit.
I’m working on it. It’s slow going. Luckily for me, he is very patient with me and loves me despite my irrational quirks.
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By Pablo on Nov 13, 2009
They teach all this stuff to you girls in that ‘very special’ health class, don’t they?
See, the guys ‘very special’ health class meeting consists entirely of “You’re gonna get hair in new places and smell bad when you sweat, use deoderant. All right kickball for the rest of the hour.”
I’m now convinced that girls get an education in irrationality, a game guys kindly refer to as ‘you can’t win’, and you get told that we really can read your minds we just refuse to do so.
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By boomer on Nov 13, 2009
The most successful way I’ve found to avoid both things detrimental and trimental to relationships is just to avoid relationships altogether.
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Awlbiste Reply:
November 13th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
Poor Boomer. Here, have some orange drank.
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By TheWicked on Nov 13, 2009
My wife has been burdened by what I call “The Delay”
Example:
I will be playing video games and the wife will burp loud enough to rattle the windows. Then she will say in a timid little voice “Excuse me.” I heard the burp, I heard the “Excuse me”, my brain processes these things and prompts me to respond in some manner. About 5 minutes later I manage to force out a “you’re excused”.
And then I get about a half force “The Look”. (I say half force because she reserves the full force “The Look” for the times I don’t respond within 10 minutes.) Of course I do not see “The Look” because I am too busy staring at the laptop, but I can feel it’s weight upon me.
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Mj Reply:
November 13th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
At least you don’t respond “why, did you fart” when she says Excuse Me…
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By Bellwether on Nov 13, 2009
I get over emotional about EVERYTHING. My poor, poor boyfriend.
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By JdJdJd on Nov 13, 2009
Probably my biggest thing is telling him what he is thinking. Or assuming I know what he is thinking. It’s totally unfair. He says I put him in the worst possible light and must think he’s a complete dick (which is not true). If you figure out how to stop doing that, please let me know.
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By Katy on Nov 13, 2009
This seems very silly compared to the other posts… but the burden I force my husband to bear is quite literal. I have a habit jumping on him and occasionally popping a button or tearing pant seams along the way. I’m not trying to tackle him; I just climb on his back so I can be carted around. Or if I want a hug but I’m far away I’ll just take a running leap in to his arms (hopefully he sees me coming first, or I go splat). He *mostly* tolerates it… for now at least.
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By Herb Morrison on Nov 13, 2009
I always enjoy the bending of things intended in a positive sense into a negative. Back at our five year wedding anniversary I said something about looking forward to another five years, which got the response, “What? You think we’ll only last another five years?” Joy.
We’re past 15 years now, but I still get tripped up with statements being throw back in ways I never meant.
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By Fyurae on Nov 13, 2009
I dont listen when Dave tells his stories, but I yell at him when I can tell he’s not paying attention to my stories, and make him focus on me before I continue. Because he tells funny stories like a woman.
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Fyurae Reply:
November 13th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
Oh, also. I am almost hyper-rational, and Dave is a total baby. Which confuses him, I guess because he thinks I should be the girly one?
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By Jade on Nov 13, 2009
My husband and I have trust issues. Not that we don’t trust each other, not really, but we don’t trust that the other person will do what was asked or requested of them.
For example, when I ask him to do something, like find a home for the TOOLS that are STILL sitting on the kitchen counter, I really don’t trust him to do it. So I’ll wait. I’ll give it a couple of days, and then I get mad. Why? Because I know he’s just PURPOSELY not putting them away to annoy me.
Another example: My tolerance for messes is sooo much higher than his. So when I get ready for work in the morning, I’ll leave my dirty laundry on the floor in our bathroom. I’ll do this for a couple of days. Then he’ll ask me to put them in the hamper. So I glare at him and get mad, because he doesn’t trust me to do it on my own!
It’s totally all his fault, hence why I get mad in both situations.
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By Awlbiste on Nov 13, 2009
I am very, uh, let’s go with persnickety. Things have to be JUST SO OR OMG YOU WILL HEAR ABOUT IT.
Also I am a huuuuge complainer. There are just so many things to complain about that I never run out. Thankfully I am also hilarious so I combine my hilariousness and my complaining so usually people just laugh instead of going “what a bitch.”
I am totally with you on the making feelings known thing. I might be obnoxious but at least you know where you stand with me.
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By Swistle on Nov 13, 2009
BTW? One of the reasons I am commenting on this post even though I am a LITTLE tipsy and it is difficult to type is that you recommended that thing, that thing that lets a person comment in Google Reader.
Okay, what Paul is going to have to put up with, with me, is that I always read more into things than is there. And then I assume that what I’ve read into them is TRUE. Also, he is going to have to live with the fact that I’m not happy unless I’m better than him. And that I’m not happy unless he’s worse than me.
Also, I drink sometimes, and he doesn’t. So there’s that.
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Awlbiste Reply:
November 13th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
Oh yes, I also have to be “better.” I’m with you on that one Swistle. I don’t even know where it came from, I’m not really competitive or the oldest child. I am extremely irrationally annoyed if I’m not “better” at something though. I am pretty sure my boyfriend is at least subconsciously aware of this fact though.
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By Iain on Nov 13, 2009
My boyfriend and I live in bliss because we are so perfect and nothing every annoys him about me.
Except possibly for the fact that I drop things where I’ve used them and then walk away, including dishes. Oh, and I’m addicted to WoW and D&D and he hates geekery things. Hmmm… and I’m contented to live in a mess and he’s a clean-freak. Oh! And he has a brilliant memory and always knows where everything is and I can forget where I put a glass 2 seconds after putting it down. Oh oh! And he’s a direct thinker and I’m a passive thinker. But apart from those things we’re like two swans in a pond.
Angry, angry swans. =D
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By Dzargul on Nov 13, 2009
I’m going to live in a world where the readers of this blog are split 50/50. By that logic: the sheer number of females admitting to how horrible they are only goes to show that it’s women with the problems. We men are P.E.R.F.E.C.T.
Back in the real world, however, I’m going to ante up an odd tick that took my gf MONTHS to figure out how to handle:
I love to buy new things. LOVE IT. Use them? Notsomuch…and buy ‘use’ I mean ‘even take out of the box/take off the tags’. If I buy a shirt that I REALLY LIKE…it’s guaranteed to sit in my closet, untouched, for six to eight months. A book? Shelved forever unless handed to me.
But she’s developed a workaround: She unwraps them for me and ‘uses’ them. The toothbrush gets wet under the faucet, the shirt gets thrown in the dirty laundry, the new digital camera takes a picture of her.
New…and used. Now I can touch them!
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By Mikey on Nov 13, 2009
*pokes you in your scary eye*
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By Carrie on Nov 14, 2009
Let’s see here…
I am (in no particular order) competitive, hyper-sensitive, jealous, moody, messy, and quite the homebody.
I am working on some of these things, insofar as I can figure out how to get around them myself. For example, the messy thing is mostly because I’ll intend to put something away, but get distracted and forget. So I’m trying to discipline myself to spend five minutes cleaning something every night before bed. It’s still hit or miss, but it’s better than just letting things pile up, right?
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By KT on Nov 14, 2009
Ah I’m terrible about this. I’m convinced my husband thinks I’m actually mentally challenged sometimes. Like today when I went to make copies of something for him and he handed me his ID and passport and said “Now, be REALLY REALLY careful with these. Please don’t lose them!”
I was going to have them for about five minutes. :-| And also … I KNOW about how IDs are important! I’m an adult, rly!
And then when I came home and made a really sarcastic remark about overcoming my mental slowness and managing to return his important documents in one piece HE DIDN’T EVEN GET IT. Now really, who is the mentally challenged one in this situation? I do not think it is me.
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By Shin Ae on Nov 14, 2009
I have massive phobias about mold and germs which lead to all kinds of protocols about how to properly do things. My husband is amazingly understanding and always just wants me to be able to feel okay about things, but I bet he’d be a whole lot happier if he didn’t have to pay as much attention to that stuff.
I do have high hopes that I will calm down about it as my general stress level goes down. I only got all freaky about things once I had kids and was pretty much sleep-deprived and stressed a lot more. I have noticed a gradual change in the germ thing as I’ve been able to get more sleep, and also I’ve been working hard on purposefully breaking some of the rules so I will see that life doesn’t end. It’s a work in progress.
But it is at times maddening to those who are close to me, I’m sure.
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By Shin Ae on Nov 14, 2009
Also, I should spend more time folding laundry. Clean laundry takes over the house regularly. Better than dirty laundry, though.
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By Alex on Nov 16, 2009
Something I have to work on for him? Literally toning it down. I tend to be very loud especially when I’m excited (and I’m easily excitable, and that’s a whole other thing I should work on). I can’t help that I have no indoor voice, but perhaps I should make an attempt to learn to use one.
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By motobu on Nov 17, 2009
Just read your post about proper word usage, commented on it a bit snarkily.
However, I couldn’t pass this one up. It’s not FIND, its fine.
5th to last paragraph.
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By Erica on Nov 17, 2009
I say what I think my fiancè is thinking all the time, because he doesn’t hold up his side of the conversation. At least, I think he doesn’t, so I fill it in for him.
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By Delicia on Nov 17, 2009
I am an extremely independent person, used to doing stuff myself. Basically what that means is that I have a really hard time *letting* my husband be responsible for doing stuff. And if he doesn’t do it RIGHT THEN I get immediately impatient and just take over and do it myself making him feel useless or hurt that I didn’t trust him to do it.
I know I’m bossy, and like things done my way, so it’s really really hard to be flexible and let him do stuff his way (if this relates to housework, his way is actually MUCH better — he’s much more of a clean-freak than I am).
I also have a tendancy to interrupt him while he’s talking. Not because what he’s saying is not interesting, or that I don’t want to hear it. It’s like my brain suddenly comes up with something that is relevant to the conversation and I just have to convey it Right This Minute or it will leave my brain and I’ll never get it back. It drives him crazy and pisses him off and I don’t even mean to do it or realize I’m doing it til it’s too late. I’m working on staying quiet til I know he’s done talking.
-Del
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