Because you’re busy and I’ve got nothing but time
October 27th, 2009 | by TJ |
So here is what we are talking about today, Internet. Cosmo. I’ve told you before that I get a lot of magazines, right? I even get Latina. So, if you ever find yourself without time to read all of the back issues of Latina that are stacking up, I’m your girl.
Anyway, the other day, I reclaimed this issue of Cosmo (Phil reads it on the toilet, I think it relaxes him) and I realized something. Even the writers of Cosmo don’t think you have time to read Cosmo, because there’s a page inside dedicated to a sort of Cliff’s notes, where they basically tell you what the whole issue is about. So if you’ve had time to buy/and or subscribe to Cosmo, they figure that at least some of you don’t have time to read it.
Well, me? I’m a thinker. And I was thinking, well, if some people have time to OBTAIN Cosmo and not read it, maybe there are even MORE people who don’t even have time to BUY Cosmo! Who is telling THOSE people what’s in Cosmo this month?
I am, that’s who.
So, the cover. We’ve got a Kardashian of some sort, and a little pink badge letting us know that this is the “Bad Girl Issue – For Sexy Bitches* Only.” Obviously, the rest of the cover gives teasers as to what’s inside, but you don’t need those, because I’m about to tell you.
(If you don’t have time to read the whole post, or don’t want to (jerk), please skip down to the asterisk for the actual important part.)
Okay. Advertisement, advertisement, advertisement, advertisement, advertisement, advertisement, advertisement, table of contents.
Looks like on page 82, they’re going to talk about perfume, which I have long held is one of the most ridiculous things you can do in a magazine.
Advertisement, more table of contents.
Oh, Cosmo. You don’t have enough contents to justify 2 pages listing them.
Advertisement, advertisement, advertisement, Cosmo at a Glance – this is the Cliff’s notes for those of you who actually had time to BUY the magazine but no time or desire to actually READ it.
Perfume ad – Want to know what it smells like? It smells like magazine pages. Just like every other magazine perfume sample, ever. I’m going to sell a perfume that smells like magazine pages, because people who go into stores to purchase perfume based on what they smelled in a magazine are looking for perfume that smells like magazine pages. IT’LL BE HUGE.
Advertisement, advertisement, the from the editor page, who cares. She edits, so what.
Advertisement, advertisement, advertisement, advertisement.
The hot sheet: Here’s some trends you need to know about – Roller skating is badass, Russel Brand should stop showing his nipples and you can find DEALS on TWITTER.
Ok, now we’re at the Kardashian part. If you don’t mind, I’m totally just skipping this, because… eh, I know you don’t mind.
Another perfume ad – smells like magazine pages – my God, I’m going to be so rich, advertisement, advertisement, advertisement.
Can love work the second time around? If you break up with someone and get back together, they mean. Well, Cosmo says it’s POSSIBLE, if you do things EXACTLY LIKE THEY SAY TO. Except, this is Cosmo in brief, so I’m afraid I don’t have time to tell you the steps. I guess you’re boned. Sorry.
Ok, next. Cosmo asked 100 random street people which blush looks better on some celebrities’ heads. Street people prefer the natural look, FYI, unless you’re Hayden Panettiere (which you’re not. Which is good. Because I wouldn’t know how to say your last name and that would be embarrassing).
Ok, I’m just going to turn pages until I get to something interesting. The confessions are really fucking lame this month, by the way, so don’t even think that you’ll just pick up a Cosmo to read what usually turns out to be the only interesting part, because it’s not even remotely interesting.
Here are some tear out cards for you to carry around in your purse so you can decode guy body language. Instead, why don’t you print out this blog post, cut out the next line, and tape it to your mirror:
NO GUY IS GOING TO UNCONSCIOUSLY SIGN “I LOVE YOU” IN SIGN LANGUAGE TO UNKNOWINGLY REVEAL HIS TRUE FEELINGS.
ARE YOU REALLY THINKING ABOUT BUYING THAT?
I COULDN’T EVEN BE YOUR FRIEND IN REAL LIFE.
Oh, here’s something interesting – Why He Loves Your Weird Obsessions. Apparently, if you love coconut cream pie and buying sneakers, you are goddamn adorable. However, I don’t see anything in here about insistence on watching the Golden Girls 16 hours per day or putting t-shirts on the dog. I guess some of us aren’t blessed with such magazine-worthy obsessions, COSMO.
Fun fearless fashion – if you even think about wearing a bedazzled sweatshirt or short sleeved but one shoulder metallic purple Barbie dress, please see line above about me not being your friend in real life.
Next is an entire page of dresses that would not look good on a single person reading this. Which is really effective.
In beauty news, painting your nails green is totally in and you won’t look like you have a fungus at ALL, if you manage to hang out with the specific crowd of 6 trendsetters who will be doing this for about 15 minutes at some undisclosed time this fall. Otherwise, yeah, it’ll look like a fungus.
Hey you guys, there’s a $3 coupon for Olay body lotion AND a BOGO coupon as well. That’s actually kind of worth having.
OH NEWS: RYAN GOSLING IS SEXY. Thanks, Cosmo!
Ok, the section that’s supposed to be the big interesting one – What he’s really thinking during sex. I’ve condensed this one by asking Phil what he thinks during sex. Here it is:
“Woo! I’m having sex!”
There’s another whole section made up of Venn diagrams describing how to solve your tricky issues as a couple, but I’ve looked it over for you and come up with a great summary: act like grown ups and compromise.
After the compromise bit, I had to flip 30 pages to find something interesting, but I do have a GREAT weight loss tip for you:
Sit back and let “your man” go ahead and eat first. Once he’s gone ahead and taken some “man size” portions, there will be an appropriate, ladylike amount of food left for you, you pig.
Also, if you drink, there are several ways you might die from it; some orgasm secrets and hey, did you know that you should NOT text and drive? I bet you are glad I am summing up Cosmo for you NOW.
There’s a Bad Girl Bible in here, but I’m not even going to insult you, Internet. I’m not even going to insult you.
Here’s a big PINK section titled “Beyond Bad: Hollywood’s Biggest Bitches.” It’s full of anonymous stories and each one is ranked with one to five DOG HEADS.
* Ok, this brings me to my asterisk from earlier. Seriously, Cosmo? Right on the cover, you’re going to talk about “Sexy Bitches” like it’s a good thing, but then here, inside, you’re ranking bitches with DOG HEADS?
Listen, Internet, I don’t want to get preachy with you, but stop calling yourselves bitches. We’re not reclaiming that word, ok? We’re just not. Saying “Yeah, well, I’m a bitch and proud of it, and everyone just needs to get used to it” is just… oh no, no, no, please. It makes me so sad for you.
Sometimes I act like a bitch, and sometimes my behavior is kind of bitchy, but I am never proud of those moments and I will certainly never boldly proclaim myself to be a bitch.
What I would like to be? Self-assured, assertive, a powerful advocate for myself in a way that allows me and those I interact with to maintain our self-respect.
Those are all GOOD things. Why do we need to put all those GOOD things under a word like “bitch?”
That’s not even a little bit cool, and Cosmo should stop perpetuating that idea.
Anyway, next is the fashion section no one reads, and instructions on how to do Twilight inspired make up, please see note above about not being my friend, and the quiz is about whether or not you are a bad enough girl.
You are, Internet. You totally are.
By Capn John on Oct 27, 2009
I’m impressed. How did you manage to find the articles?
I despise magazines like Cosmo that have about 50 pages of advertisements before the Table of Contents page, which they not only break up into 2 (or more) pages but feel compelled to separate each page by 20 more pages of advertisements. Then there’s another 50 pages of ads before you get to the Editor’s section, followed by 500 pages of ads, then the back cover. Hidden somewhere in those 800 pages of ads is the actual content but good luck finding it because magazines (like Cosmo) can’t seem to afford page numbers.
You know what I really don’t get? Why do we pay for a 1000-page magazine when 950 of those pages are ads?
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By boomer on Oct 27, 2009
I’m totally taking that quiz…
1. What would you do for cash?
Play strip poker with coed friends (The only game wherein my losing makes losers of us ALL)
2. Which phrase are you most likely to overhear about yourself?
“Does he always act this crazy?”
3. Rumors swirl about trash talking in your social circle. You:
Send an angry text or email
4. Your closest friend contacts you when:
He has girl problems and wants to driiiink
5. You date:
People who work hard and play harder
Results:
Balls-out badass. Cosmo says I need to be concerned whether my hellcat antics will degrade me or someone else. (Isn’t that the point??)
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By Melissa on Oct 27, 2009
I absolutely loathe most women’s mags. I’ll take GQ or Playboy or even Maxim anytime, because the interviews and articles are way more interesting and in-depth and the only recipe you’ll find is for the perfect martini.
Yet my mom insists on giving me a subscription to the vapid Ladies Home Journal. Tho I do agree with her: reading “Can this marriage be saved?” every month makes me grateful for my own marriage. So maybe that’s why she sends it.
Thanks, Mom.
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By Awlbiste on Oct 27, 2009
Wah wah wah, loathe loathe loathe, degrading women blah blah.
I LOVE Cosmo, I think it’s fucking hilarious. It’s an insight into WTF-are-these-people-thinking, and a pretty good toilet read.
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By cacoffer on Oct 27, 2009
Hi Teej. Just dropping by to say, “Whaddup.”
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By Anna on Oct 27, 2009
I didn’t think anyone could make Cosmo awesome, but you just did. \o/
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By Bellwether on Oct 27, 2009
We used to read Cosmo out loud in the hallway during band camp lunch to embarrass the freshmen.
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By Jason Doege on Oct 27, 2009
“Ok, now we’re at the Kardashian part. If you don’t mind, I’m totally just skipping this, because… eh, I know you don’t mind.”
Buuuuuut, this is the part that is the reason Phil is reading Cosmo. :-)
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By Delicia on Oct 27, 2009
I pick up Cosmo from time to time so I can read aloud the “racy” articles and embarass my husband. :)
That article about what guys think during sex must be pretty darn short.. “ooooh yeaaah!”
-Del
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By lenebean on Oct 27, 2009
Great read, Teej. Why should women be proud of being labeled as “bitches” when men seen with the same attributes are considered assertive, opinionated or strong-willed? I know that doesn’t sound as snappy or whatever, but I don’t fucking care.
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By Mrs_AF on Oct 27, 2009
I stopped getting Cosmo for about 5 of the reasons above. And I would 110% buy Magazine Pages by TJ.
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By Lara on Oct 27, 2009
I saw this Cosmo the other night and asked the boyfriend what he was thinking during sex and he said pretty much the exact same thing Phil did, AS I SUSPECTED.
As for “bitch” – I know there are people who will argue the whole “taking it back” and “owning it” thing about certain words, but no. I had the discussion with my ex, who was black, about the N word and with a gay friend about the F word (um, the 3 letter one). Why not just remove hateful words from your ears, your friends’ ears, the WORLD’S EARS by not saying it, period?
I guarantee you, I don’t call up my friends and say “What up, bitch?” or call them the C word in casual conversation, and I don’t plan on “owning my inner bitch” or any other variation on the theme most often seen in women’s magazines (nice), bumper stickers and tacky coffee mugs.
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By Tal on Oct 27, 2009
Well, on behalf of my bitch, I would like to say that using that word as an insult is, well… Insulting. Most bitches I know are loyal, nice and playful. Maybe they should try to “reclaim” the word…
And same thing goes for “dog”. How do you think Brinkley feels when he sees lying cheating assholes on TV referred to as dogs?
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By Swistle on Oct 28, 2009
I always—ALWAYS—hate the perfume samples. They always—ALWAYS—smell like “HELLO I AM A PERFUME!!!” But I do like READING about perfumes, and I cannot explain why since it is like reading about wines: “A whimsical chocolately wine/perfume with undertones of oak.”
The dog heads thing is making me…well, I think I’d better just tone down the Hulk Smash feelings here.
Also, I agree. I’m not owning OR claiming OR lauding any inner OR outer bitch.
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By Carrie on Oct 28, 2009
Oh my lord, TJ, this post is full of so much awesome it should not even be legal. Seriously.
I (embarassingly) actually have this issue, and I am now going to have to send my husband the link to this post, because I have the feeling he may almost literally die from laughing*. I know I just did.
*not that I want my husband to die, you understand, but he has been very sick this past week with some random flu-like illness that has made him absolutely miserable, and I think he could really use a good laugh.
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By Phil on Nov 11, 2009
You take two parts Gossip Girl, and mix it with 3 parts I’m-Full-Of-Myself powder, mix it in a blender, the you add I-Made-it-up powder and let it sit in a trash bin for four hours.
That is how Cosmo is made.
Excellent review TJ!
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