Don’t lie to me – It’s not just the Internet
October 26th, 2009 | by TJ |A while back, I talked about your credibility as a blogger, and one of the ways you could hurt it.
I wrote a story about someone who lied and blogged about an email he had received – a lie easily discovered. I kind of half-heartedly called him out on it, and let him believe that I bought his shoddy cover story. I was already weary of this dude’s lies. Tired out. Exhausted. No longer giving a crap. This guy lied and lied and lied and lied so much that one day? When he admitted to me that he was a pathological liar? He told me he was in therapy for a liar and was on Step 9 of his recovery, making amends.
Dude LIED about LYING.
Like I said, I was over it. Done with it. But still, affected by it. Why? Because I’d watch him post story after made up story on his blog for his 3 or 4 readers. I knew they were made up, his readers didn’t. His [admittedly very few] readers read his stories and commented and interacted with him based on these stories.
Why would that bother me, you might think? You might use one of these two lines:
1. It’s not like it hurts anyone, or
2. It’s JUST the INTERNET.
First of all, if you believe, TRULY BELIEVE either of those two lines, then this post isn’t for you. These things don’t hurt you, and to you, it IS just the Internet. So for you people, here is a link to a video of Phil singing the Bender song.
For the rest of you, I continue.
Now, if you have known me for any length of time, you know that I have a habit of coming up with elaborate and outlandish theories and principles and manifestos (er, you’ve read the blog, right?) to explain and translate my general world. There’s the silly – like toothbrush theories; the kind of silly but actually extremely sound Tom Hanks Theory of Life (which anyone who has ever spent 5 minutes around me in person has been thoroughly schooled) and then the serious, like today’s.
Though this is lifted almost word for word from an email I wrote a few days ago (if you don’t have a squawky baby, you can ignore that part), I hesitated to post it today because to many, it will be very clear that this was inspired in no small part by Nicole at My Bottle’s Up, and she did post a new explanation tonight.
Obviously, there will likely be a lot more posts and Tweets on this topic in the coming days, as the explanation people were waiting for, or, more accurately, the APOLOGY people were waiting for, didn’t come. Instead, a not so subtle chiding – how dare we believe evidence. While I hesitate to be a bandwagoner, there probably will not ever (I hope) be a more appropriate time to talk about the very real cost of lying to your readers.
*****
I hate lying in blogs. I HATE it.
I know it’s stupid, and I know we’re supposed to all be the bigger people, because “come on, you guys, just let it go. Who is it hurting?” but I HATE lying in blogs and I’m going to tell you WHY, because you have a baby and thus are my captive, because I do not speak in squawks and shrieks and demands, which is totally refreshing when you spend a lot of time around babies.
I hate lying in blogs – no matter how many people say to ignore it and that it’s not hurting anyone – because it is insulting and arrogant.
When you make up a story and post it in your blog, you are making one of two assumptions:
A) you are smarter than 100% of your readers and can pull off such a lie, and/or
B) you’re so popular and talented that your audience is completely moon-eyed and would either never call you out or is too nuts for you to realize you’re blowing smoke up their asses.
I do not LIKE to be insulted like that. I don’t like to see OTHERS insulted like that. Screw the whole “ugh, it’s just the internet” thing – these are real people making real connections and I don’t care if your lie is about how many people have seen your butt or if it’s as huge as calling out the TSA – when you are revealed as a liar on any scale, trust is broken.
Once you’re a liar, everything you’ve ever said is called into question or reviewed under the pall of your lies. The people who have trusted you ARE wounded and HAVE lost something, may have shared deep and personal things with someone they thought they could believe in, and, internet or not, that BLOWS.
The arrogance and insult to the intelligence of your readers – that’s not “nothing” either. It’s rude and it’s mean and it’s no boon to the community. The actions of one blogger DO reflect on other bloggers – tell me that mommy bloggers aren’t a liiiittle bit more of a joke after the mybottlesup thing.
Basically, what it comes down to is two points:
1. When you lie to your readers, whether it be small or epic, you’re not only telling your readers “I can lie right to your face and get away with it,” but also breaking very real trust.
2. If you are one of the types to drop either of the two lines above, about no one being hurt, or about the transgression not “counting” for as much because this is the Internet, you’re belittling the real feelings and friendships and relationships and partnerships and communities that have grown from so many blogs, as well as blinding yourself to the fact that when one blogger is revealed to be a liar, it reflects poorly on all bloggers. Including, likely, yourself.
*****
Maybe I’ve been blogging too long. A lot of my posts recently seem to be hanging on nostalgia, for the way blogging “used” to be. Maybe I’m too attached to how it “used” to be and not at all in touch with how it now “is.”
Regardless, however, of the state of blogging or the Internet as a whole, lying is and long has been one of the most bold, disrespectful, hurtful and destructive acts any person can engage in. I don’t tolerate it in my real life relationships, so why do I need to look the other way here?
By Awlbiste on Oct 26, 2009
I used to have a big problem with lying, (as in I would lie a lot) probably because I felt like I needed the attention and the so-called self esteem boost that came with it. I don’t think it was out of some feeling of “oh hey look what I can do, you idiots will buy anything” and it was back in high school times so I doubt anyone still cares. But it was stupid, and making friends based on lies is stupid.
Anyway this chick is a total idiot. Not only is lying just a dumb thing to do on a “real life blog” but who lies when they know they can be caught? By a government agency no less? That’s kind of epic.
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By Kestrel on Oct 26, 2009
Didn’t read the linked article; don’t really care. The overarching point is, lying is bad. Indescribably bad.
Short version of a long story: When I was in the AF, a man I considered a friend was accused of harassment. I was tasked to do a preliminary investigatory interview with him, even though he was my friend and I (and my superiors) couldn’t be sure of my impartiality. I asked my questions, he swore up and down (very convincingly) he was innocent. I reported his answers; I did not voice my opinion (at the time) that he was set up. Turns out the sonofabitch was lying about that and a lot more shit. He (a major, as I was) ended up being court-martialed and convicted. He was the commanding general’s aide. I had told my own boss my opinion; fortunately, my boss had also been fooled initially.
So yeah…lying is bullshit. Umm…yeah. And now I’m pissed off all over again. Bottom line: I can put up with a lot. But lie to me? We’re done.
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By Maria on Oct 26, 2009
She was a friend. I blogged about this too. And you are right on the money.
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By avasmommy on Oct 26, 2009
Very well said. Lying has no place anywhere, especially online, because what’s written here is most times your only link to someone.
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By Erin on Oct 26, 2009
I just don’t understand WHY someone would go to the trouble to fabricate a lie? Usually it takes more work to lie and what the hell, real life is usually messed up enough. There’s enough bullshit to keep us all busy without making shit up.
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TJ Reply:
October 26th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
That is an EXCELLENT point. Aside from the fact that I am a terrible liar, I try to live by the idea that if you never lie, you never have to remember a single thing you say.
Honestly, aside from broken trust and hurt feelings and other ramifications, lying is rarely worth the extra effort.
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By Grumble Girl on Oct 26, 2009
Lying is never a good thing. Never, ever. Not on the net – not anywhere. Shame on those that do.
Good post!
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By Jeremy on Oct 26, 2009
Lying hurts everyone involved and never turns out well in the end. To lie about a government agency with top of the line surveillance capability goes beyond stupid and into the realm of “worst decision ever.” Then to openly refute the video evidence that is in direct confrontation to the account that was presented to readers just ends up making the author look even worse.
And for cliché’s sake, honesty really is the best policy.
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By Swistle on Oct 26, 2009
WOOT. It DOES hurt to feel made a fool of, which is how I feel when someone lies to me. They didn’t care enough about me to care if I felt like a fool—and some part of them enjoyed watching me believe them, when they knew it wasn’t true. They tricked me. Now they must suffer.
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TJ Reply:
October 26th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Hee. I don’t know if I’d exaaactly say “and now you must suffer,” but I DO feel like expressing my serious disappointment in those who continue to praise, support and soothe in the face of indisputable lying.
The idea that there shouldn’t be consequences (loss of trust, loss of friends, or even more severe ramifications for more epic lies) is outrageous to me.
Good will, good feelings, support, prayers, fervent outrage and other energies and emotions are STOLEN from people in these situations. Not that I am stingy with my feelings or my support or anything like that, but I don’t enjoy having that genorousity downright ABUSED, and for what? So someone can have a warm fuzzy moment, an ego boost, what?
And there is one major, major, GLARING point in this story that I’ve been doing my best to turn away from and not acknowledge, but the blogger in this particular situation shared a story (and then track backed to it ELEVEN TIMES) of a very delicate nature, which was received with open arms, support, commiseration, etc from a very fragile community. And I HATE being forced to question that now, too.
Swistle, you done gone and REALLY brought out my mad now. Pack my angry eyes!
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Maria Reply:
October 26th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
THAT TOO.
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Swistle Reply:
October 26th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Wellllll, okay. Not SUFFER-suffer. Not FIRE AND BRIMSTONES suffer. But, like, stew in their own juices, how about that? Or, I know, suffer the absence of the sunshine of my presence? THAT kind of suffer.
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TJ Reply:
October 26th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
I hope to never, EVER suffer in such a fashion. I shudder just to think of it.
PS – I thought of you this morning as I was walking by the mirror, thinking, “I should take some pictures of my REAL hair, for comparison.”
But then? I noticed I had PUDDING on the underside of my CHIN.
By Michelle on Oct 26, 2009
What makes me the angriest about reading her apology and the latest is that she never says “you know what, I exaggerated” – she just insists that there are discrepencies and then pulls a “look over here” by waving around the “I own this, you own your opinions, I was travelling and they said I was in hiding!” STOP DIVERTING US. Seriously.
ALSO – what kills me are the people who are going after the TSA and saying oh, it was edited, oh, they made it up…really? REALLY?
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TJ Reply:
October 26th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
What bothers me the most is that she (and, less and less of her supporters) truly expect that we should all just shrug and move on.
I admit to not knowing Nicole before this incident. I’d glanced at her blog and found it not to my taste at all (see my post on Shmophies… ), but the incident did bring up my extremely strong feelings on the subject of lying in blogs. I’ve privately (by email, since I see no need to embarrass someone publicly unless they drag it out like this case) called out more than one person on lies, half-truths, fabrications, plagiarism and other things that do not reflect well on them as a blogger.
Maybe 5 or 4 or even 3 years ago, lying in blogs wasn’t AS big of a deal, and some jerk could genuinely make the claim that “no one was hurt” by it (aside from feeeeelings of course), but these days, with more and more people turning to the Internet for a portion, if not all of their income, even just one person giving the impression that bloggers are liars and can’t be trusted hurts in more ways than just feelings.
It would be nice to think that people are open enough to not paint all bloggers with the same brush, but unfortunately, that is just not the way things go in reality.
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Michelle Reply:
October 26th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
I never read her before this incident but having poked around I also think that she is giving bloggers a bad name when it comes to the anxiety/whatever issues they may have and want to blog about. Now this has turned into “she’s crazy and therefore of course she lied” or “maybe she hallucinated it” instead of being able to read an account of someones life with all the falls and foibles that go along with it. Again, paints bloggers with the same brush because of one bad apple.
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By Kate on Oct 26, 2009
Well said! Thank you for articulating what I was thinking.
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By Delicia on Oct 26, 2009
Wow I missed the boat on that TSA story/blog thing. Regardless.. as a non-blogger, but an avid reader, I don’t want to read lies on a blog. Lies bore me — they are cheap, and easy, and a sign of laziness or someone with their own selfish agenda. I like to like people. I think most people do. It’s very hard to like someone when they lie to you and almost impossible if they keep lying to you.
As other posters have said, life is full of interesting TRUTH.. no need to make this stuff up.
-Del
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By Maria- Mom et al on Oct 26, 2009
Thank you for sharing this. I’m one of the people who read that story and got chills by her words and the horror of her experience. I’m one of those who accepted her story without question and helped spread the word. I’m one of those who sought out the TSA Blog Team on Twitter and suggested they investigate the situation. I’m of those that felt duped, hurt, embarrassed to have believed it, sheepish to have participated in its growth, and angry for the apology that didn’t follow. After all that, I’m also one of those who still feels sadness for stain the situation has left on our community of bloggers, most of which I still believe (and I have to believe I am not a fool in this thought) write with integrity. It was never just about her; it is about us all.
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TJ Reply:
October 26th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
While I certainly don’t advocate blind trust of everyone you meet, I do believe that you should be able to unquestioningly trust your friends. And I also believe that real friendships DO exist online. It’s not fair to abuse that privileged, of being believed without question.
I also agree that the whole “It’s not ABOUT you” notion that she and others are trying to perpetuate is a joke, because it is.
When my fiance is in uniform, there are very strict standards of behavior that apply because for a lot of people, if they see one military member acting poorly, it does INDEED color their impression of all members of the military.
I don’t think that bloggers need to be held to any strict code or list of standards, but I don’t think that NOT LYING is too much to ask.
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April Reply:
October 26th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Speaking of military, this Nicole person’s husband is military. I wonder what he thinks of all of this. I wonder if it’s going to get him into any kind of trouble. I mean, when your psycho, hallucinating, pathological lying wife pulls this shit trying to take on the TSA….
Of course, he’s probably used to her craziness by now.
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TJ Reply:
October 26th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
That IS something else that made me pretty bothered as well. Like it or not, my behavior does reflect on my fiance, even moreso once we’re married. It doesn’t seem fair, but that’s how it is. You can’t be married to the military without knowing that, and it’s hard to imagine she put his career at risk of being dinged as well.
April Reply:
October 26th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
(OK, I didn’t see a reply button so I could reply to your reply so I’m apparently replying to my own.)
The general public, thanks to the media, might find it hard to believe but the military is really weird about morality type stuff, even if it isn’t the enlisted person’s behavior they’re looking at. I wouldn’t be surprised if he had a nice little “talking to” coming to him.
And considering the way people were going after her, comments about calling CPS, posting her address, etc. I’d be willing to bet someone at the base/post was contacted.
By Aunt Becky on Oct 26, 2009
I don’t lie because I’m not clever enough to lie and quite honestly, the whole situation is one big clusterfuck. I’d say that I don’t know what happened there, but 9 angles of a video camera claim otherwise, so yeah, I guess I DO know what happened there.
I blog as a storyteller, but the stories I tell are my own and they’re truthful. I don’t want sympathy for things that have happened to me or want press for indignities I’ve suffered because I *don’t* believe that all attention is good attention.
I was raised by someone like this, and really, not a life I want for myself. I want you to laugh with me (or at me) cry with me but I don’t want to start a RT campaign just because.
Maybe the blogging community will learn to take a step backwards and start to reevaluate what they see as fact and what they see as fiction. I didn’t jump on this bandwagon when it went down because it smelled off then, (and I do like Nic).
The drama will pass.
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TJ Reply:
October 26th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
I totally agree that this drama will pass – to me, someone completely unconnected, it’s nothing more than an eyeroll at this point. Others who were more personally hurt will take longer.
However, she certainly didn’t invent lying in blogs – she wasn’t the first or even the most epic. Or even the most skillful of liars. Unfortunately, she won’t be the last, either.
I would just hope that both potential liars and potential defenders would realize that “it doesn’t hurt anyone” and “it’s just the internet” are totally weak.
And also? Don’t claim to be a writer if you can’t even turn reality into something interesting and instead have to resort to making things up, because, lame.
I do hope, however, that you consider all the attention I lavish on you from afar to be good attention.
I even just finished up a a little collage of some of my favorite pictures of you mixed in with some of my favorite things you’ve written.
Can you send me some of your hair?
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By WoW on Oct 26, 2009
Do you ever have a day were you are either not paranoid, annoyed, or high strung. I like reading your blogs but you really seem like you need a vacation.
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TJ Reply:
October 26th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Not often, and when I do, I’ve got nothing to blog about.
So if I wasn’t paranoid, annoyed and high strung, you probably wouldn’t like reading it half as much!
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Big Bear Butt Reply:
October 27th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Hey, you’ve got more than one blog? Dang it, I only have the one on my feedreader! Where are the others? I’m missing out on prime TJ?
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By April on Oct 26, 2009
You have a new fan. No, seriously. I was checking Twitter search to see if anyone was publicly reacting to the MyBottlesUp post and came across your link.
She has yet to explain anything or answer any questions. How hypocritical for her to insist that her critics and haters should just “own it” and stop being so mean when she’s insulted gawd knows how many people and hasn’t “owned” a damn thing.
Blogging just isn’t the same anymore. I miss the days when it was more about sharing an online journal with friends and maybe a few strangers that stumbled across it.
Now its all about sponsors and advertisers and book deals and awards and conferences. And, unfortunately, I was blogging on a domain with the word “Mom” in it. I shut that one down and moved. And it was all because of the way other Mom bloggers were acting and the impression those actions were giving people.
Whether we like it or not, bloggers are lumped together so shit like this DOES reflect badly on all of us.
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By rg on Oct 26, 2009
I think making a point to be morally outraged by the TSA issue is ridiculous. Expecting an apology and being mad that one wasn’t forthcoming seems very juvenile. To think an agency like TSA would post footage that put them in a bad light is naive. No one but the people there really know what happened, but Nic presented it the way she perceived it – if people got their panties wadded – she doesn’t owe them an apology.
I think Dooce stretches the truth all the time in her case many refer to it as hyperbole, but in Nic’s case she is “lying.” If you held Dooce to the same standard, she likely lies in every post.
rg
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TJ Reply:
October 26th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
If you can’t tell the difference between hyperbole for comedic effect and flat out fabricating a story, then I suppose you have no issue.
The rest of your argument – about “perception” is 15 different kinds of ridiculous. She “perceived” something that didn’t HAPPEN, and then not only told everyone that it did, but encouraged others to help her spread her false story.
Your MyBottlesUp/Dooce comparisons don’t even make sense.
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By Jennifer on Oct 26, 2009
This is a subject very close to my heart, having outed a doozie of a lying liar blogger earlier this year. (That precious six year old daughter whose death from a brain tumor she was numb with grief over? Um…not so real. Chick didn’t even have kids.)
I’m totally with you that it *does* matter, it really really really does. People genuinely care about what they read in blogs. (Why else would so-called “strangers” contribute tens of thousands of dollars to the March of Dimes after Maddie Spohr died? Why do people like Matt Logelin and Stephanie Nielsen find packages on their doorsteps?) And when you believe what you’re reading is real, and you invest genuine emotional energy in it, but it’s not real, that’s just….Not. Right. Even if it’s not illegal, it’s unethical. And if a blogger is outed telling one lie, it makes everything they’ve ever posted suspect. And yes, it poisons the water for everyone, making all blogs just that much less trustworthy.
I think most people think of themselves as pretty savvy virtual consumers by now. We don’t forward Snopes-y emails, we know about the Nigerian bank thing, etc etc. But people still often take blogs at face value and invest their emotional capital online pretty easily, forgetting how easily it is to fabricate just about anything when there’s no face to face interaction. (The good news is that you can’t fabricate absolutely *everything* without leaving a clue, which is why these people are almost always eventually tripped up by something — a photo, a video, an IP address.)
Anyway, would love to say more, but I’m actually a 58 year old man living in my mother’s basement, and it’s time for my tv dinner with the cats. ;-) Oh, and I promise tomorrow I’ll come back and say “Eh, I guess it’s kind of funny.”
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By Carrie on Oct 27, 2009
Seriously.. people who lie on the internet just make me sick. As others have said (better than I), life is messed up enough without having to deal with people completely making shit up.
My sister-in-law is one of these people. She was living with us for a while, and we started getting letters addressed to her, but with a different last name than her actual one. It turned out that she had decided to take on this separate identity, there was something about her pretending to be her son, and actually had a girlfriend online… it was a mess. I still feel terrible for the person, or possibly people, that she duped with all of this.
Why would you DO that to someone? This was years ago now, but I recently found that she’s on facebook now, and she has re-created this personality, and created a facebook profile for it, and even has it on her own friend list. W H Y ? I can’t understand what you could possibly get out of playing with someone else’s emotions like that. It’s just… wrong.
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By sister on Oct 27, 2009
You know what the scary part is here? That crazy lady might actually believe her version of events even after being confronted with evidence completely to the contrary. Anyway, she craaazy. And not because she has anxiety. BITCH PLEASE, we all got that.
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By MiddleAged&Crazy on Oct 27, 2009
In this day and age where Big Brother does exist, how can anyone even begin to think that what they do or say for that matter is not recorded in some form or fashion, especially in a airport. I fell for her family and one day for her child who will hopefully never find out about this.
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