Temerity Jane

Reason 872 why we won’t procreate.

See reason 871 here.

My buddy (my buddy)
My Buddy (my buddy)
Where ever I go, he goes.
My buddy (my buddy)
My buddy (my buddy)
My buddy and meeeeeeee.

This is Brinkley, my buddy, my constant companion. Where I go, Brinkley goes. He’ll follow me right into the bathroom if I don’t latch the door, sit next to me on the couch if I let him, and licks my feet with disturbing regularity.

This past Monday, Phil and I had to take Brinkley to be groomed. Phil dropped him off while I finished up some work at home, and then we did a couple of other errands while he was there, and I kept asking if it was time to go get Brinkley yet. I couldn’t understand how Phil didn’t miss him.

Phil: It’s only been a couple of hours!
TJ: But I miiiiiiiisssss hiiiiiiim!

I figure that since Phil goes to work all day outside of the house, he’s used to being away from the dog. I work in the house, and I’m with Brinkley all day, every day. I notice when he’s not around me. I couldn’t even go with Phil to drop Brinkley off at the groomer’s this time because the last time, when we were leaving him, he jumped up on the little gate and stared after us as we left like, “Wait! You’re forgetting me! I don’t want to live here! Don’t you love me anymore?” and I felt horrible the whole time we were gone.

Phil gets up before me in the morning, and usually Brinkley will get up with him and go downstairs to be fed and do his business outside. After that, he comes back upstairs and lays down next to the bed where I’m sleeping until I get up. Today, Phil thought I was sick because Brinkley wouldn’t come downstairs and just stayed next to the bed instead.

You may wonder what this has to do with whether or not Phil and I would ever have kids.

• I spend all day with the dog. He has a sensitive stomach, so I monitor what is going in and, unfortunately, what is coming out, to make sure he’s not sick. You may think this is gross, but if you change a baby’s diaper, you notice the same thing.
• Brinkley is kind of a jerk if he doesn’t get his afternoon nap. He needs to sleep around 1pm or he’s all rowdy and horrible in the evening. Of course, he stays with me constantly, so if I’m up late, so is he, and he’s extra tired. In the afternoon, I have to go upstairs and lay down in bed, and he jumps up next to me and lays with his back against mine. He won’t take his nap unless I nap, too.
• Brinkley also gets car sick. Any time we take him somewhere, we spend the entire time reaching back and petting him, staring at him in the mirrors, consoling him and making sure all the AC points right at him.
• And of course, Brinkley has senstive skin. He needs special shampoo, or else he gets itchy and gets hotspots which he chews at until they’re bleeding and infected.

Brinkley is obviously an extremely… special… dog. I don’t put him on the same level as a human baby, but he certainly does get a lot of my attention and concern. I don’t think that is unusual for any pet owners, really. Where it becomes a problem is like when we drop him off at the groomer. I’ll repeatedly check to make sure they have the right shampoo, make them promise to use it, and spend the whole time that we’re gone obsessing that they’re going to do it wrong, and that they don’t care enough about Brinkley to make sure he gets the right shampoo. I just barely trust them enough to leave him, without spending the entire three hours with my face pressed up against the glass, watching.

If I spend this much time concerned about the day to day activities of a dog, and if I can barely tolerate leaving a dog in the hands of strangers, how in the world would I ever tolerate having a baby? I’d stroke out by the time the kid was 18 months old. Daycare? Noooo. Babysitters? NOOOOOOO. Obviously no one can care for the dog — I mean, baby — as well as I can, therefore, I can never take my eyes off of him. I would be the world’s most neurotic parent. And college? COLLEGE? Do you know what could possibly happen to my child if they are out of my sight for more than 35 seconds? Oh my god, I am locked in a paralyzing cringe just thinking about it.

I can barely make it through leaving the dog at the groomers’ for 3 hours. Obviously, a child who would probably eventually want to have a life without his mother 3 feet behind him is totally out of the question.

Now go away. I has many important emails to answer.