To sleep, perchance to cramp.
March 24th, 2009 | by TJ |So, Internet, I’m into my second Arizona week and I’m quite happy here, though there are of course a lot of adjustments to be made. Phil has to get used to the fact that he has someone trailing around behind him during his morning routine (hey, I like coffee and cigarettes, TOO, you know!) and I’ve had to get used to stepped over 4 legged creatures everywhere I go, along with many other small adjustments here and there.
There is one situation specifically, though, that I am here to talk to you about today.
Let’s go back to pre-Arizona times, to my bedroom, which you have never seen, except for one wall and part of my bed during 5 Things videos. Let’s talk about that bed and my place in it.
In Maryland, I had many options open to me when it came to the bed. I realize now that I took those golden times for granted.
Please refer to the following examples:
Here we have a standard. Me, on my side, with my body pillow. I’m sure we’re all familiar with this position and its comfort. Please note the wide areas of space all around me. I would often choose to sleep in this position. Most nights, in fact. However, there were many other options open to me as well.
I could have the whole bed, if I wanted it.
Or maybe, one night, I just wasn’t in the mood for pillows, but also didn’t feel like moving them. I could do that.
Perhaps, when looking for something that had fallen down the side of the bed, I would become weary and rest where I lay. Who was to say boo about it?
Now, Internet, I don’t mean to scandalize anyone, but living here in Arizona, Phil and I are sharing a bedroom. And yes, also a bed. If you feel the need to unsubscribe from a jezebel such as myself, I will understand. However, in order to go forward with this post you must steel yourself and come to terms with the fact that two unmarried stick figures will be occupying the same poorly drawn rectangle bed from this point forward.
Firstly, let’s get the lay of the land down.
1. My pillow; 2. Phil’s pillow; 3. body pillow; 4. the dog’s pillow on the floor
Pretty standard, right, Internet? The bed is in a corner and I sleep near the wall, as I did back in Maryland. It was not that way originally, but, wanting me to feel comfortable in my new place, Phil did a lot of rearranging.
Now that we’re all on the same page about what we’re dealing with in terms of raw space and equipment, let’s take a look at an ideal sleeping situation.
Me, Phil and the dog, as it should be.
As you can see above, we have both chosen the standard half-fetal sleeping position, the dog is comfortably installed upon his pillow near the televsion at the foot of the bed, and space is distributed evenly and comfortably.
However, things rarely go along the lines of a perfect ideal, and during our time spent together before I moved into this house, Phil and I naturally fell into a sleeping arrangement which suited us both, for the most part.
Standard “new couple” sleeping
I’m sure you’re all familiar with this pattern. Having not been together long enough to be completely over the novelty of each other, we sleep in a fused-together lump over on my side of the bed, leaving approximately 2/3 of the queen sized bed unoccupied.
This works for us, and as time has gone on, we separate and move through the night, going back and forth between being right on top of each other and claiming some personal space.
Yes, I could live with that. It’s not that simple, though. Please look again at the picture above. Do you see that opportunist at the foot of the bed?
Treachery, thy name is Brinkley.
It has been discovered, if we are not careful to make clear each night the positions of each bed occupant, that the 130 lb golden retriver will take any space that is carelessly left open and too bad to you if you later decide you’d like that space back.
Tough shit.
Of course, we prefer that Brinkley sleep on his designated pillow on the floor, but there are occasions that call for a different arrangement and we are sensitve to them. For example, for a couple of days while I was putting things away, his pillow was obscured and missing beneath a giant pile of laundry. I had stolen his place to sleep, and therefore it was only right to offer him some bed space. We carefully selected which bed space he would have, though, after he tried to wedge himself between me and the wall. I found it difficult to sleep with his constant licking of my face.
If the dog MUST be in the bed, he will at least be at the foot
Brinkely, though, likes to make sure you know who is really running the show around here. Whenever Phil and I go out to smoke, either together or individually, Brinkley comes along. When it is time to go inside, he is called to come along and enter the house along with us. Most times, though, he does not move. We must walk in, close the door, and then stand by the door and wait until Brinkley is READY to come in. Usually about 8 seconds after you have stepped in and shut the door. Just long enough so that you know that Brinkley comes inside when Brinkley WANTS to come inside, not when the whims of arrogant humans dictate.
Anyway, right, the sleeping thing – so though we attempt to install Brinkley at the foot of the bed, he is careful to remind us that he only lets us think we’re in charge. Sure, he’ll sleep at the foot of the bed, but he’ll decide how much of the bed constitutes the foot, his portion. That cut off point would be right about where our feet lay. If our feet are laying on the border, more fool us, because Brinkley doesn’t mind sleeping on top of our feet.
Now, though the position you see us in above is our standard and preferred sleeping arrangement, chosen for comfort and sleepability, everyone knows you must stretch and turn during the night in order to preserve maximum asleepness. It is difficult, though, to remain asleep when you have developed a massive ass cramp due to the fact that you cannot extend your legs without running into a massive mound of fur.
And what happens if you try?
Lick. Lick. Lick lick licklicklicklicklick.
So now comes the time to get crafty. One cannot sleep with a massive ass cramp. You just can’t. The only solution to massive ass cramp is to stretch your legs and wait for it to pass. As you can see, though, stretching my legs is not the easiest goal to achieve in this particular arrangement. So, carefully, I remove myself from the covers (after a brief moment of pinned-in claustrophobic panic due to the fact that the dog has sealed the covers over us quite well) and rearrange myself , to my ass’s great relief.
Ha HA! Am so comfortable! Am so clever!
You see what I’ve done there, Internet? Do you see my middle of the night brilliance? Avoiding the dog and taking advantage of the fact that my boyfriend sleeps through everything, including dog crowding and punches to the back (I am a violent sleeper), I have finally achieved a workable, cramp-free sleeping position.
What I have not taken into account is the fact that while he sleeps through everything, Phil is also constantly, almost preternaturally, aware of my location and position and had, at that moment, boyfriend-protector alarms going off in his brain.
“My subconscious boyfriend-sense is tingling and alerting me that my girlfriend has somehow come free of the covers. She may catch a chill or perhaps freeze off a toe. Here, in Arizona. Hey, it could happen. Do not worry, girlfriend, your boyfriend has override systems in place for this very situation. I shall handle it.”
So, WITHOUT WAKING UP, he carefully removes my legs from their gloriously extended position, rolls me back onto my pillow, and tucks me back beneath the blankets.
And so I lay, wide awake, until his alarm goes off at 5am and I get up as well, to keep him company and see him off to work.
But mostly to enjoy the free range of limb motion.
By Dulcea on Mar 24, 2009
Now *that* is the way to come into work on a Tuesday. I’m STILL snickering.
And I feel your pain. Although I’ve never had to maneuver around a huge dog, the whole solo to duo sleeping trials are always fun…and make me appreciate my single status again. ^_^
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By Arrens on Mar 24, 2009
Dogs in the bad are such a bad idea, words can not do it justice. And I speak from experience. Granted, 2 dachshunds don’t quite equate to the size of a golden retriever. However, they too are opportunists and feel the need to stretch themselves out in such a manner EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT so as to make sleepingness damned near unpossible.
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By Awlbiste on Mar 24, 2009
Even a cat will sleep SMACK IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR BED if you let him. This is why I put the cat outside of my bedroom and shut the door at night.
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By Adlib on Mar 24, 2009
I’m with Awlbiste. Our cat makes sleeping impossible when he’s allowed in the bedroom. Husband was so irritated he got up to sleep on the couch the other night. We have a heavy cat so when he sleeps with us, my legs automatically go around him or cramp up.
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By Doodlebug! on Mar 24, 2009
We have two dogs. I am sometimes the one relegated to the floor. >.<
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By Josh on Mar 24, 2009
I especially enjoyed the subconscious boyfriend-sense. I’ve had experience with that as well, however I got the story second-hand, since I’m the boyfriend and I was dead asleep.
Apparently, while enjoying the standard “new couple” sleeping arrangement, my girlfriend tried to uncouple herself to go pee. My arms, sensing that something was befalling the fair maiden they were protecting, clenched tighter around her. It was like a Chinese finger trap – the more she tried to get up, the tighter my arms grappled.
Eventually I must have woken up slightly and let go, because she did get up.
She found it hilarious. Though I venture to say it wasn’t funny in the moment.
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By TJ on Mar 24, 2009
@The cat people: There’s 4 cats in the house as well. Only one will sneak into the bed, very rarely, not since I’ve been here, actually, unless their food bowl is empty. Then there is one particular one, Love, who will climb in and start making demands.
@Josh: One of the first nights I was here, we separated in the night and in his sleep, Phil slid one arm under me, one arm over me, and physically hauled me back across the bed to him. He also found it funny and had no memory of it in the morning.
But that just makes us even – the first few times we slept in the same bed, I would flail my arm around behind me looking for him if he was moved away. There was one morning at Thanksgiving when we were staying in a casino/hotel when he got up early and went downstairs to get Starbucks. When he returned, he sat at the desk across the room and watched me wave my arm around the empty bed behind me for a couple of minutes before alerting me to the fact that he wasn’t there.
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By Kestrel on Mar 24, 2009
Two cats here, and thankfully, they huddle around my wife. Because of the cats, we moved up to a king-sized bed when we replaced our waterbed a few years ago. (The waterbed was one of those with tubes and quilted cover–comfy, not sloshy.)
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By Ratshag on Mar 24, 2009
Is why I likes me small dog. She licks faster, but she be easier fer ta shove outta the way.
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By Pablo on Mar 24, 2009
I really have no solution to this problem…other than locking the pets out of the room as the wife and I do.
I would like to advise that in the future you should probably avoid having the words ‘massive’ and ‘ass’ in such close proximity to each other.
You’re welcome.
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By Stobnor on Mar 24, 2009
Slightly amusing story about cats in bed…
We used to let our cat into the bedroom in our old house… And he was an extremely clever cat who had read the books about which bit of the body loses the most heat.
So he used to lie across the top of my head. A bit like a cat hat… Front paws next to my right ear, back paws next to my left ear… Rolling over was not a good option at that point.
I really wish we’d managed to get a picture of him doing it – he wasn’t the most svelt of pussycats, either.
Hope you and Phil get a good compromise, which probably results in Brindley getting more of the bed than you wish!
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By Trollypollie on Mar 24, 2009
My basset hound and tabby cat both sleep in my bed. Its a good thing I dont mind animals in the bed much. My basset hound sleeps on my right side under the covers with her head on the pillow and the cat sleeps on my left under the covers with her head on the pillow. The only annoying thing really is when the cat gets out from under the covers and wants back in so she pokes me in the face until I let her back in. When my boyfriend is in town though the dog sleeps on the floor and the cat sleeps where theirs room.
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By Josh on Mar 24, 2009
PS – Change your “About the Blog” box. I assume you living in Arizona means you no longer live in Maryland.
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By Gauntlet on Mar 24, 2009
You wake Phil up, and have him push the dog off the bed. Or move the laundry. Big dogs get to sleep on the floor.
Also: hilarious!
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By Shianti on Mar 24, 2009
Little dogs are just as bad as 130lb dogs. I know a little dog who insists on being DIRECTLY between two sleeping people, and who also thinks that any romantic activity such as kissing directly involves her as well. She additionally will not go to sleep unless everything in her world is right…including a small light left on in another room. Size definitely is not relative to dominance over their living situation.
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By Cinderella on Mar 24, 2009
A suggestion for the dog issue– lock him out of the bedroom. If he is staying in the bedroom because he’ll destroy the house otherwise (we have dogs like that), then put him in a room where there is nothing of great value that would appeal to him (e.g. basement). I understand the dog issue completely– we have two large dogs who BOTH insist on sleeping on the bed whenever they can. With their butts positioned right by my face. We also have a small but very smart and diabolical cat. Locking her out of the bedroom only works sometimes, as she has discovered how to unlock and open the door (seriously!!). If she gets in, she will claw my head, stomach, and back repeatedly (she only does this to me) so that I will pet her. When I shove her off me, she goes over to the nightstand and starts shoving whatever is on there onto the floor until I get up. During the daytime, these animals are always trying to lie on the couches. I am getting so tired of dragging them off that I’m wearing down to the point that I sometimes allow them to stay there. This leads to constant vacuuming and other cleaning tasks. I would advise drawing the line of how far they can go now, rather than enduring it until you explode from cleaning up after them, and removing mountains of hair from the chairs/couches/bed, and your pants every time you sit down on them. I hope everything is going well with your new house!
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By Thommas on Mar 25, 2009
When I was single, I slept in a twin bed as I lived with my brother at the time. The bed would be in the corner of the room and i would typically sleep in the center of the bed. I woke up one day by rolling over in bed, slamming my face into the wall. I woke up a split second before impact.
As for animals in bed, I live with my gf now and we have 3 cats. A single female and two twin brothers, just turned a year old. They have the odd habit of sleeping between each of our legs, right up against our crotch when we sleep on our stomachs. Oddest sleeping spot I have seen a cat use. :)
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By BlueTiger on Mar 25, 2009
@ Stobnor: you just made me choke on my after-lunch-coffee.. *note to self: don’t read TJs blog while eating/drinking*
About sleeping arrangments, I’m single so I get the whoole glouriousness of my bed to myself! Which ofc becomes a problem on the occasional nights that I do have company – I know it’s bad manners and so not good karma, but I like the guys that sneak away in the middle of the night….then my bed is mine again :)
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By z-man on Mar 25, 2009
I’m confused by this pet in in the bed issue. Really, I have two golden retrievers, 100 and 70lbs respectively. Now while we do allow them the luxury of spending some time with us in bed. We long ago established that when we want them down, they get down and stay down. Sleeping has never been an issue. However our faces are still at nose level to them. So a wet tongue, cold nose, wet fuzzy dog toy, squeaky ball, or some combination thereof in your grill at 6am on a Sunday cause someone wants to get their morning treat and go outside, does occur.
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By Sass on Mar 26, 2009
Oh my! It’s almost like a parallel universe between your house and mine! Except the dog is only 7 lbs, and still takes up a quarter of the space I have left after shmoo takes up 2/3’s of the bed and steals all my covers.
And then he wonders why I wake up grumpy……
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By Benjamin on Mar 26, 2009
I lay on my back when I sleep. My cat, for the longest time, would wait for me to fall asleep, sneak into the room (I’ll never know how she opened our doors..), take the spot on my chest and just lay there staring at me.
First time she did it I damn near threw her across the room.
Since, it’s just something I’ve come to terms with. I’ve tried to make her quit but she loves watching me sleep.. Girlfriend thinks it’s creepy as hell.
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By Dorgol on Mar 26, 2009
My wife and I have a Great Dane bitch. A very spoiled dog, to say the least. Example: One evening she spent nearly an hour standing in the middle of the floor and crying. Nothing would satisfy her. That is, until my wife remembered that the dog’s blanket was in the dryer. Pulled that blanket out and the dog went right down.
We have experienced similar problems of the dog wanting to sleep in the bed. The female Dane has always been good about making as small a presence as possible (note: Great Danes do NOT make a small presence no matter how hard they try). For awhile we had a male Dane (DUMB AS ROCKS that one was) who would try EVERYTHING possible to get between my wife and I. Waking up with a 150lb Great Dane STANDING in the middle of your bed trying to push his way in… is quite the experience.
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By Shade on Mar 26, 2009
I’m a 6ft 24yr old rough & tumble Aussie male who giggled like a little school girl reading this post – so many things to relate to.
Those diagrams make it all even better – more stick figure pics plz!!
Brilliant post
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By Ahrtu on Mar 26, 2009
Welcome to AZ, TJ! I hope you like it as much as I do. I’m going to point my wife at this blog since I’m sure she’ll be able to relate to many things in it.
One word of advice. Don’t let the dog sleep on the bed. At all. Ever. And you need to firmly establish your alphahood. Get a choke chain if you don’t have one and take Brinkley for walks in which you don’t ever let him actually get in front of you. Heck, go get a Ceaser Milan book and read it. OK, that’s about three words of advice – at least one of them must be worth something!
Cheers
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By Kailen on Mar 27, 2009
I’ve had the same problems, but with a 15 pound Jack Russell.
Now, normally he’s pretty much infatuated with my dad, but when my dad goes out of town he attaches himself to me. I don’t mind except that he is a major bed hog. He’ll normally spread out along my stomach as I generally sleep on my side, but if I try to move, he fusses at me by growling a little. It’s pretty much ignorable.
What’s funny is that if you try and move him with your hands he gets upset but if you push him around with your feet he doesn’t care at all.
On a side note, my girlfriend’s cat is funny because she took over a blanket that I had given to my girlfriend. Now it’s pretty much the only place she’ll sleep. One night we moved the blanket around on the floor and she followed it, laying down to sleep like nothing had happened each time.
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By Flame on Apr 1, 2009
LOL! Another violent sleeper… and here I was thinking I was the only one! My poor husband has been punched AND bitten by me while I was sleeping.
I often wonder why he puts up with me.
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By Mister EDgAr h on Apr 10, 2009
OMG! That is so cute!! ^^ I know the feeling of having to share a once just for me, king size bed. BTW I once had a very itsy bitsy tiny dog and the thing still managed to take over all the place left in the bed. I think that they go flat and widen when they fall asleep.
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