Temerity Jane

I only JUST stopped laughing.

Two nights ago, Phil had laid down to watch the news and I was sitting on the edge of the bed with the laptop, finishing up some work. I wasn’t really paying attention to the news, but there was a story going on about how police had gotten report of a child in a car, and when they went to check it out, they found drugs in the child’s diaper. I turned just in time to see the headline they were using for the story.

“METHY” DIAPER

Oh, I laughed and laughed, but Phil didn’t laugh at all, which has seriously caused me to question the long term potential of this relationship, because COME ON.

However, wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt, I sought a second opinion. Knowing it was midnight in PA, I texted my sister instead of calling, saying “I HAVE SOMETHING HILARIOUS TO SAY.”

Of course, my phone immediately rang, and, after relaying the story, my suspicions were confirmed as my sister also found it to be HILARIOUS. So there is either something wrong with Phil, or something wrong with BOTH my sister and I, which seems far less likely!

So anyway, the next day I am talking on the phone to my sister, who had worked numerous double shifts in a row, was tired, and was waiting for her coffee to finish brewing.

Kate: How do you know if your coffee pot has a Pause & Pour feature?

TJ: You pull out the pot, and if it pauses, you have one.

Kate: Oh. Ok. Oh, oh, it’s dripping. OH OH NO! OH IT’S EVERYWHERE!

TJ: *hysterical laughter*

Kate: Oh it’s not stopping, OH NO.

TJ: *hysterical laughter*

Kate: Why would you encourage me to TRY THAT?

TJ: *hysterical laughter*

Kate: You’re such an asshole.

TJ: How bad is it?

Kate: It’s a meth, ok? IT’S A HUGE METH.

Posted in daily BS, sibling hilarity | 13 Comments »

And then my hair went completely gray.

Hey Internet,

What’s up? Long time no talk. The internet works both ways, you know, guys. Frankly, I’m a little hurt. I mean, you don’t call, you don’t write, you don’t send me flowers any more. I thought to myself, “You know, self, why don’t you just sit back and let the Internet come to you for a couple days?”

And you know what?

IT DIDN’T.

Anyway, I forgive you. It’s no big, really. Please, don’t get up. Let me tell you what’s been going on around here, in generic and informational bullet point format.

• Work: I’m busy!
• Arizona: It’s hot!
• Brinkley: Brinkley was a little sick last week, sort of… I don’t know? It was up and down. Every time we’d start to be genuinely concerned… he was fine. I can tell you, though, he was having fresh cooked rice while I was eating from the drive through, so he didn’t really suffer that much.
• Phil: I’ve got a couple of new things I like to do to annoy hm. Is that perverse? I mean, that I deliberately look for little things that will drive him nuts? Does everyone do that? I don’t, you know, kick him and then run away*, but for example, two recent tactics: I use the bathroom before him at night and squeeze the toothpaste from the middle and wait for him to notice it. Or I don’t straighten out the blankets when I get in bed and instead pull the sheet and duvet over me upside down, with the sheet on top. Drives him NUTS and it’s HILARIOUS.
• My sister: I have yet to take revenge.
• Wedding plans: Oh god, I swore I wouldn’t make this a wedding planning blog but OH MY GOD YOU GUYS OH MY GOD. I need a whole separate set of bullet points.

Secondary set of bullet points:

• I had to bribe my sister to be the Maid of Awesome.
• I don’t know what world my mother lives in, but an invitation list of 130 people and expanding is NOT A SMALL WEDDING.
• EVERYONE has objected to EVERYTHING. My sister had to be bribed to be the Maid of Awesome. My mother doesn’t approve of the fact that I am not asking a childhood friend to be an attendant. My cousin thinks my flower girl of choice will be too old. My sister HATES the idea of a March or April of 2011 wedding. My mother’s answer to me saying anything she doesn’t really care for is “You have plenty of time,” which is code for “You’ll change your mind.” It’s okay, though, because you don’t really have to decide anything until you’re about a year out and that is, in fact, plenty of time.
• Ok, breathe break.
• Still breathing.
• One more.
• And continuing. So fine, all of this can be sorted out with time, right? So I was telling my mom that my sister HATED the idea of March or April in Pennsylvania and had vocally and continually made her thoughts on the subject known and said “But you think March or April of 2011 is ok, right, Mom?” and she said “Well, aaaaactually…”
• *this is where I fainted and/or had a stroke, it’s all kind of hazy*
• “Well, aaaaactually… I think you should get married in 2010.” And here’s the thing, Internet – Phil and I actually do want to get married in 2010, but at the time we came up with the initial idea, it wasn’t possible. However, in between that time and the other day, we came up with a savings plan** and, while it will cut a significant portion out of the budget, we are going to be able to swing a 2010 wedding, and we agreed on a date before he went out for the night.
• October, in 2010.
• Every time he called to check in that night, I shrieked incoherently into the phone.
• There goes my “well, you have plenty of time” buffer.
• IT’S GONE.
• However, as of today, I’ve finished asking all of my chosen attendants to participate in my wedding, and they all said yes. Hooray!

Anyway, Internet. That’s what’s been going on with me. I would have told you, you know, if you’d called or something, but this is cool too. Don’t worry.

* There is some debate with regard to the kicking thing, and, Internet, I ask for your judgement. The other day, in the doctor’s office for a follow up on his surgery, Phil did something terrible. I can’t remember what it was, but it must have been just absolutely horrible, because I stood up and tried to kick him on the butt. I was wearing flip flops and don’t do much of anything, aside from shriek, with much force at all, so it is inarguable that Phil would not have been injured if said kick was completed. However, he chose to block my completely harmless kick with his forearm, resulting in a hideous wound in the form of a lumpy bruise to my shin. We are locked in a heated debate as to who is responsible for this wound. He says it is my fault, since I was kicking him. I say its his fault, because my kick would clearly not have harmed anyone, and he is the one who brought harm into the equation.

Phil: YOU kicked ME.
TJ: I did NOT. My kick was incomplete.
Phil: You kicked my arm!
TJ: I did NOT. One, you can’t kick with your shin. Two, you blocked. In WoW, when a warrior blocks, he doesn’t take any damage!
Phil: Well neither does the mob!
TJ: Which only makes my wound ALL THE MORE GRIEVOUS.

** We’re quitting smoking! It’s embarrassing how much money this will save us.

Posted in Somebody's getting maawwweeed, Yeah, I play WoW, daily BS, sibling hilarity | 34 Comments »

She’s heee-eeere.

So, Internet, you may notice that from time to time, I talk about my family on this site, but they don’t comment or otherwise appear.

That is because I have long refused to tell them where this site is. My mother is only vaguely aware that the site exists, my brother and father are clueless, and my sister has an insane determination to locate the site.

I haven’t told them, though, because I do not want to feel stifled. You know we are all different when we’re around our families than we are around our friends, even if our friends happen to comprise the entirety of the Internet. It sounds weird, I know, but I am actually extremely uncomfortable with people I actually know reading my writing. To be clear, I don’t actually consider blogging (my blogging, at least) to actually be writing, which is why I am okay with the Internet reading it, but you’ll notice that even though I now am an honest to goodness writer who gets paid for writing things, I have yet to tell you anything about those things or where you might read them. Because I’m not even comfortable with people I e-know reading my actual writing. I still don’t even really consider myself a writer, and probably never will.*

You may wonder how I’ve gotten away with this, but if you don’t know the words “Temerity Jane” and only know me in person, this site is remarkably hard to find. My full name brings up a Google page full of results on a certain actress. The site has managed to hide in plain sight for quite a long time.

Me: Why do you even WANT to read it! It’s boring!
Kate: Because you’re funny!

Well… yes, yes I am. But I still refused to tell her. I knew she’d try to look, and figured maybe some day, some how, she’d manage, but trust me – if you don’t know what you’re looking for, this page is hard to find.

Then, last Tuesday, glancing at my stats after the influx from the Whedon post, I noticed something, all the way at the bottom, about to get knocked off the list by the next visitor. A 20 minute visit from the Lackawanna County Library system.

Hm… my sister lives in Lackawanna County, PA. And she doesn’t have a computer, so she uses the ones at the library!

I called her. No answer. Text messages ensue.

Me: I’M ON TO YOU, SISTER.
Her: (knowing immediately what I’m talking about) Who, me? *innocent look including dimple flash*

Little while later, my phone rings.

Her: So… how mad ARE you?
Me: How did you find it!
Her: I don’t even remember.
Me: Oh my god, how long have you known?
Her: Um… less than a year.
Me: You are in so much trouble.
Her: I know. As soon as I got that text message, I was like, “Nooooooooooooo!”
Me: You haven’t told anyone, have you?
Her: No! And think about how I felt, I’d be sitting in the library almost peeing my pants and everyone was looking at me funny.
Me: YOU’RE GOING TO FEEL LIKE SUCH AN ASSHOLE IF YOU RUINED MY SITE.
Her: Nothing has changed! Keep it together!

So apparently, even after being told that I would prefer to keep my site private from my actual family, she found it one day and immediately felt so guilty she closed the page (after writing down the name, of course). And once in a while, when the temptation got to be too much, she would open the site and read only the front page, never going back in the archives, and she has kept this secret from me for almost a year. CONSUMED WITH GUILT AT HER DECEPTIVE WAYS.

As you know, however, later that day my attention was taken away by other, more shiny matters.

On Wednesday, she finally made her first blog appearance.

KATE, yo SISTA:
GUESS WHAT! since you got engaged you totally forgot how mad you were at me! SCORE! thanks phil!
oh yeah and congrats. sweet bling. i mean ring.

Oh, I didn’t forget. I did NOT forget.

So, Internet. Does your immediate family read your personal blog? Do they even know it exists? Have you gone to any lengths to deliberately conceal or hide it from your family? What would you do if your sister had been stealthily spying on your life for almost a year without saying a word about it? Even if she read a story on your site that you later told her and she pretended not to have ever heard it before? Would you mail her a box of dirt? Would you make her wear a giant bow on her non-existant ass in your wedding?

* Why I do not, and probably never will, consider myself a writer: I write a lot. I write all day every day. I write for other people who do not have the time to write things for themselves. They tell me their ideas and what they need, and I write it up for them. When I write here, on this site, I generally write about things that have happened. If you notice, there is a complete lack of original ideas in both areas. I do not have ideas. Writers have ideas. I am capable of the actual, physical act of writing, but not of creation from nothing.

Posted in daily BS, sibling hilarity | 29 Comments »

Let me tell you about my yesterday.

Internet, yesterday I posted a list of things I needed to do. Most of them, in fact, did get done. Along with some UNPLANNED UNAWESOMENESS.

First of all? My sister called to tell me about a conversation with my dad.

Dad: So… how do I get this Facebook thing? Do I have to pay for it?

And then she directed me to look at her Facebook page.

So of course, I stomped downstairs to call my father and instruct him about the dire consequences of lying to the Internet is such a manner.

I was outside, lighting a cigarette and holding the phone to call him, leaning forward towards the lighter, and I lit my hair on fire.

Like, WHOOSH!, not just singed. I had to slap it out with my hand!

And then? My dad SCREENED my CALL!

So, figuring he was at the house and my brother was also at their house, I called my brother, told him what happened, and demanded he put my father on the phone. I then got to listen in as my brother physically WRESTLED my dad, trying to get him to take the phone, which ended in a mad dash through the house with my dad throwing shoes over his shoulder at my brother and eventually locking himself in his bedroom.

TO AVOID FACING UP TO ME FOR HIS SHOCKING FACEBOOK MISINFORMATION!

So, I did what any normal person would do, and called my mother to tell on him. She didn’t answer, but, just like a good mother, she called back later.

TJ: So, Dad joined Facebook and… and I just put my hand in bird poop.

(BIRD POOP, INTERNET.)

TJ: Yeah, so Dad joined Facebook, and he wrote on Kate’s page that she’s his favorite!
Mom: He did what?
TJ: Yeah! And then when I called to yell at him, he screened my call! And then I tried to get John to get him on the phone and he ran away and locked himself in the bedroom to avoid my rage!
Mom: I’m going to call him right now.
TJ: I told Phil I was going to tell you, and he said, what’s your mom going to do about it? And I told him you were going to kick his ass into next week!
Mom: I’ve got to go. I’m going to call him right now.
TJ: See, I knew you’d handle it.
Mom: I’m on it.

So, come to find out this morning that my mom did indeed give him what fot, as she is reliable like that.

So you think everything is peachy then, right?

BUT NO.

Just now? My sister called me. Because she just met Ryan Gosling. Just now. This second. He is standing on the street corner by her house in Scranton, Pennsylvania. She saw him at the LIBRARY where he was filming something, the library where she was currently PICKING UP A RYAN GOSLING DVD, and she TALKED to him.

And you know what? I DIDN’T.

This world is just one big bird, poopin’ on my head.

Posted in daily BS, sibling hilarity | 7 Comments »

TJ Family Facebook Communications

JD fell asleep on a pen, Jesus’ face is now on his stomach.

TJ: Lies. You don’t have a stomach. You have a paper thin layer of flesh barely protecting the organs inside. Get it? Because you’re so skinny? Oh shut up, I never liked you.

JD: *Shreds up ticket to Phoenix*

TJ: You’ll come to Phoenix when I SAY you come to Phoenix. And you won’t need a ticket. You’re flying as cargo. I got you a real nice crate.

JD: I dont know if I can come, I just found out I’m deathly allergic to short, purple, and sucking at life.

Kate: THAT IS EFFING HILARIOUS. TJ, you got served.

TJ: I would agree that I “got served” if it were not for you using the phrase “you got served” in what appears to be seriousness. Now, the awe dedicated to marveling over any serving sent my way is replaced by jaw-dropped shock at the fact that you seem to have lodged yourself in 2004.

Posted in sibling hilarity | 1 Comment »

No third wheel.

I just talked to my sister, she and my parents are on their way here. They’re not bringing my brother.

Apparently he has a “paper” that needs to be “done” by “5pm.”

Ok, the quotes are a little excessive, but his girlfriend is at the house. So, you know. “You know.”

Hmph. What an asspanda.

I will forgive him his one-track-mindedness, though, because he’s almost 19. I suppose if I was a 19 year old guy left in the house all alone all weekend with my girlfriend, I wouldn’t make the choice to go see my sister EVEN THOUGH SHE’S MOVING ACROSS THE COUNTRY IN NINE DAYS AND WON’T BE COMING BACK UNTIL CHRISTMAS, JERK.

When my brother was about 6 or so, he decided he wanted to pick out his own Christmas presents to give to family members. I don’t really remember what he got anyone, but I do remember he bought me a little pack of bath stuff – you know, like you can get at K-Mart or something, it had a soap and a bath gel and a body lotion, and it was gardenia scented. I’d never had anything that smelled like gardenia before, wasn’t particularly into bath stuff, and it was just one of those silly gift sets that no one ever really buys for themselves or ever uses once they get it as a gift.

Of course, he was 6 and had picked it out all by himself, so obviously I loved it and I told him so, and I didn’t ever end up using it.

It’s in this box of stuff – a big plastic box that my mother is bringing to me today. It’s got my jewlery box from Japan that was given to my mother and then to me, my ruby slipper statue, a lot of my Elvis stuff – just a lot of sentimental things that have been hanging out at my parents’ place and now it’s time for me to have them, so they’re coming to me today. My mom asked when she was looking through the box if I wanted all that stuff, and I said of course I did, and she asked if I wanted the little bath set. She said it didn’t even smell like anything anymore.

I told her to leave it in there, and then I reminded her of what she told me on Christmas night after my brother had gone to bed. That she had taken him shopping to pick out Christmas gifts for us, and he knew exactly what he wanted to get me – bath stuff – but then she had to stand there in the aisle and wait for him while he sniffed every. single. package. and narrowed it down and hemmed and hawed and sniffed some more, until he finally decided on the gardenia one.

So I’m burning a gardenia candle and waiting for my family to get here, and my brother isn’t coming, but that’s fine BECAUSE I LIKE THE BATH STUFF BETTER THAN HIM AAAANNNNYYWAAAAAAY!

Posted in sibling hilarity | 6 Comments »

Dark Horse

I’ve talked a bunch on this blog about my sister, and how funny she is, and I rarely mention my brother. Like I said yesterday, I don’t really feel I know him all that well, and every time I see him, I’m surprised.

One, he’s way taller than I ever remember. Like I said, I moved out when he was 10 and I was stealing his shoes to wear, and now he’s over 6 feet tall and I could use his shoes to go waterskiing. Also, he doesn’t talk much at all. He really only speaks when he has something to say. Which makes it all the more shocking when what he has to say is hilarious.

While we were at my parents’ house on Christmas Day, I went upstairs to take a quick shower and left Phil with my brother. Apparently, they actually spoke to each other. At length. Everyone in my family was shocked that my brother sat down and actually held a conversation with someone. A stranger, no less. And Phil came back with reports of my brother’s chronically masturbating deaf roommate at college.

Anyway, for years, my sister and I, being so close in age, have amused each other and had a brother much younger than both of us trailing behind. I suppose a lot of our sense of humor is either hereditary or rubbed off, though, because now, at nearly 19, he’s pretty much caught up. The fact that he rarely talks, though, combined with the fact that the last time I spent any significant amount of time around him, poop jokes were the hegith of hilarity for him (not that they’re not still funny, but you know what I mean), makes it doubly surprising whenever he says something funny.

My mother, father and sister are coming down to visit me on Friday, for the weekend, to see me one more time before I head off across the country and coming home to visit isn’t as simple as a 4 hour drive and crashing in my parents’ guestroom for a weekend. My brother is coming home for spring break that same week, but is trying to figure out if his wisdom teeth need to come out, and when he’s going to see his girlfriend in Philadelphia, and if he’s going to be able to make it down here with my parents or come down later in the week on his own, or see me at all.

In order to straighten this out, I politely asked him if he’d be visiting (translation: I left a comment on his facebook page “ARE YOU COMING TO SEE ME OR WHAT ASSPANDA”), and he was kind enough to respond via comment on my facebook page.

Step 1. get wisdom tooth thing figured out
2. print out directions
3. realize I have to pay for all the gas
4. drive to philly
5. start back home
6. come to senses and start heading towards your house
7. arrive at your house
8. knock on door
9. run away
10. do a barrel roll

So, Internet… is that a yes?

Posted in sibling hilarity | 4 Comments »