So, Internet, just like last month (actually, it wasn’t a whole month ago because I did it totally late in the month because Phil had my Cosmo in the bathroom), I have here the newest issue of Cosmo for you.
You’re busy people, with jobs and kids and lives, and even Cosmo doesn’t think that you have time to read Cosmo, judging by the page in every issue that sums it up for you so that you don’t have to read that whole thing.
But me, I’m always thinking, and I was even more concerned for you, so I thought, what if you don’t even have time to BUY Cosmo? And that is why I am summing it up for you.
Like last month, I’m just going to turn pages until I come so something interesting. Let’s all just assume there’s 85 pages of advertisements in between.
First of all, we get right to the story about our cover girl, Fergie. Here’s what stood out to me, in the Fergie article:
“You know, in Italy, Catholic boys are raised to believe that there are two types of women: the Madonna and the whore. … And me? I’m both.”
You don’t say, Fergie! You mean, you have like, at least two sides to you? Depth of character? Sometimes you feel one way and other times you feel another way? And you don’t always act the exact same way every single day? Goddamn Fergie, you’ve done it again, giving us ordinary, one-dimensional females something to shoot for. Ladies, we too can have more than one aspect to our personalities!! Thank you, Fergie!
Moving on, this Etsee Lauder ad for Sensuous perfume one, doesn’t smell like magazine pages, and two, isn’t actually half bad and my birthday is in 17 days, just saying.
Next, a one-sheet article on why taken men seem sexier. Oh, I know this one! Because you’re either a whore, like half of Fergie is, or you’re human, and naturally want what you can’t have! Man, if Cosmo was a test on common sense, I would totally win this magazine.
NEWS: Rhianna has changed her hair a bunch of times over her career. So… do what you will with that. Because… yeah.
Hidden Secrets His Hug Reveals. Didn’t we go over this last month, when I told you that no guy is communicating his true feelings by unconsciously forming his hands into the sign language for “I love you?” Yeah, pretty much the same thing. When Phil hugs me, the type of hug is usually dictated by how easily he can reach my boobs.
Instructions on how to turn a one night stand into a relationship? I’m skipping this page for you, Internet. You need to be more like Fergie and stop being 100% whore. She’s only 50% whore, you know.
Fashion section! Let’s see, this month we have… me turning pages really quickly because don’t, oh god don’t, I mean, if you want to wear a blazer, go ahead, but it should not look like any of these. Also? Tight fitting animal print dresses, with very few exceptions, make you look like Fergie’s bad 50%. Also? The whole “Perfect Presents” fashion page? You can buy pretty much all of it on Etsy, so if I catch you paying $32 for stripedey gloves, you’re banned.
Some tips: Holding your phone next to your face all the time will make it break out; Cosmo suggests that to save time, you smudge eye pencil instead of eyeshadow and somehow manage to not look like a battered raccoon late for an AA meeting; also, don’t pick off your nail polish, because it makes you look trashy, and Cosmo doesn’t want you to be seen holding their magazine because it’s ruining their image. I don’t want to have to do this, but it’s directed specifically to you. Yeah, you. Sorry. Cosmo isn’t really thrilled with you lately.
Big article here – Make His #1 Sex Wish Come True! TJ Cliff notes – I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that having sex with him should pretty much be enough. If you feel like you need to go for extra points, turn on the lights or something. I’m sure he’ll be pleased.
God, this stuff is stupid. I mean, ok, sorry, taking a break for a second here, but how about we all just agree to this? We’ll all go home today and say “Hey, honey, do you have a #1 sex wish, after you filter out all the stuff that is illegal or might make me want to leave you if you say it out loud? Ok, let’s do that.” Damn.
Now here’s a special section, the Guy Love Diaries. They had some guys write down all of their thoughts about their women for some days. I pretty much stopped taking it seriously on the first page of the article, because I read this 3 or 4 days ago and just stopped laughing when they threatened to insert a feeding tube:
“At work, thinking about Sara. When girls get together at showers and bachelorette parties, they usually talk about boys and swap sex techniques. Sara always comes back with new sex tricks and great fellatio.”
I’ll wait until you get yourself under control after reading that.
First, um, men? If you truly think that? I… ah… no. Just… no. Second? Paul, writer of this secret diary? If you are reading this, I suggest you tail Sara the next time she goes “out with the girls” because if she’s coming home with a rack of new sex techniques, she’s not at a goddamn bridal shower. Because just no.
Cosmo wants you to know that they’ve declared it to be officially okay for women to pick up men now, but only if you do it in a bold, daring way like they detail in this article. Walking up, introducing yourself and asking for a number isn’t going to cut it. God, stop being so simple and plain, Internet. Take a lesson from Fergie, who has managed to develop two different parts to her personality.
The Simple Trick That Gets You What You Want – I’m not being fooled into reading this… STEALTH OPRAH. How about work for it? Ok. End. God, this magazine could be like, 6 pages long and I wouldn’t have to do Cliff’s Notes because you could read the whole damn thing in line at the grocery store.
More tips: Save money by NOT having your hair professionally blow dried! Or by shopping holiday sales! Also? If you just magically become less stressed, you’ll be less bitchy. Apparently, Collegehumor.com will help you be less stressed, thus less of a fucking bitch.
Ok, here’s something good. A huge article on the Hidden Danger of Breakups. Thinking about this from a Cosmo/Bridget Jones type angle, the hidden break up danger they probably really want to tell us about, judging by the rest of the magazine, is that if you let yourself go all to hell and don’t buy $32 stripedy gloves or sequined miniskirts, your man will probably leave you and you’re not getting any younger, so you’ll probably be old and alone forever and the entire purpose of Cosmo is to make sure YOU LAND AND KEEP THAT MAN!!! So, don’t make Cosmo out to look like a fool by getting dumped, because Cosmo doesn’t LIKE to be made to look like a fool, if you get my drift.
Cosmo doesn’t. Like. That.
Oh, but apparently, the article is really about how if you break up with a guy, you should probably suspect that he’s about to kill you because that’s what happens according to Cosmo.
If you make them look like a FOOL.
Hey, here’s something actually KIND of good, but I’m only judging it by the title because I don’t want to be disappointed by the article. From the headline and pictures, I’m gonna say that Cosmo agrees with me and thinks that just because you put your M&Ms in color order and put your shoes on right shoe first, it doesn’t mean you have OCD. I mean, some people certainly do have OCD. But it’s pretty likely that you don’t. And you’re just like everyone else who does certain things in certain order because we have been on this earth for like, 20, 30, 40 or more years and we develop HABITS. Not OCD. Get over yourself. Unless you have OCD. Then carry on with your bad M&M counting self.
Aaand I think pretty much the last thing you need to know from this month’s Cosmo is that this winter? We’re all wearing butt cheek showing lingerie outside, especially into dark alleys. That, apparently, is the December fashion.
Do NOT disappoint Cosmo.
