Thanks. Thanks!


Things I Want To Be Able To Do Without Feeling Like I’m Being Unspeakably Rude.

1. I want to end emails and other text-based requests with “Thanks.” rather than “Thanks!”

You’ve encountered this, right? I think this is the best example, so I started with it so you can get bored and leave any time after this point. Have you ever noticed feeling like you’re supposed to put that exclamation point there, even if you’re not feeling at ALL exclaimy? Do you ever feel obligated to stick that explanation point on, even if you’re really annoyed, because the word looks rude without it? And then you can run into that thing where the person you’re emailing KNOWS you’re annoyed and KNOWS your exclamation point is disingenuous and non-sincere, so it NOW looks snarky, but you have to do it anyway, because it would be RUDE not to.

I know it’s totally possible to skip the exclamation point, and I know some people have no problem doing it, and it’s never even occurred to others to use an exclamation point when they don’t feel it suits their current mood and level of enthusiastic emphasis. Of course there are people like that and maybe you’re one of them, and it’s great that you’re not held captive to punctuation angst. But for me, and others like me, because there definitely are others like me and I’m not totally out of left field with this one, I would really like to evolve past the compulsory exclamation point. I mean, maybe you’re being firm, not rude. Maybe it’s an email that just requires a “Thanks.” and not a “Thanks!” But when you (I) hover over the send button without adding that exclamation point, you (I) have a moment of sincere doubt, just knowing it’s possible for someone to take personal offense to your tone.

And here’s the thing, maybe your tone is totally intended! Maybe you really don’t WANT to sound perky and chipper as an exclamation point implies. But knowing that people of a certain sort take personal offense to tone, you have to fake the tone. Which is a whole new level of self-insulting and I’m getting agitated about it which means I’m about to type the same point 15 different ways until I feel like my rage has been stamped out via my fingertips.

Let me skip all that and save some irritation for the other points you may or may not read. It’s not so much that the exclamation point is required, but that the tone associated with the exclamation point is required, therefore necessitating that exclamation point after the word thanks. Should you neglect to use it, your email may be read with a firm or – heaven forfend – even strident tone, which would be unforgivable, EVEN IF YOU WERE, IN FACT, BEING FIRM AND STRIDENT AS YOU TYPED IT.

And look – I know people are super sensitive to pointing stuff like this out – but I just quizzed my husband, who sends emails all day, on how he feels about not adding an exclamation point to the word thanks at the end of an email, and it’s honestly never crossed his mind that it’s a thing. I really don’t think men spend as much time thinking about how their tone will be perceived in an email in such detail that the punctuation after the word thanks is a huge concern. But I do. I have consciously gone back and forth over a single point of punctuation after a single word in an email, and if I’ve done it, based on my theory of being the most average person on earth, plenty of other people have as well.

That’s this point. I want to be able to not use it without angsting over it. I want to move past it, like I know many people have managed. If I’m feeling “thanks” instead of “thanks!,” I want to say that without giving a rip what the other person may interpret about my tone. EXCLAMATION POINT DELIBERATELY LEFT OFF TO FORM A NEUTRAL CLOSING.

2. I want to be able to disagree with someone without conceding their point.

So, if you’re brave enough to disagree with someone on Twitter, you’re being stupid and it’s not worth your time because other people are landmines that will ruin your day on purpose. In general, it is impossible to disagree with the standard Twitter person without insinuation that you’re starting a fight, being a mean girl, or attacking someone. Just… just fucking stop it with that.

But aside from that, say you (I) see someone make a point you disagree with. Your choices are this: say nothing, do nothing, close the computer, move on, pretend you never saw anything at all, possibly move. OR, say, “Hey, I disagree with that.”

I’m skipping over the people who believe that when two adults disagree, they’re fighting and do that whole thing where they watch the “fight” and type instigatey little sub tweets without @-ing anyone. You people just fucking suck so hard. Stop it. Just join in the conversation. It’s a free Twitter and you’re allowed. But I’m skipping that because it’s just… it’s too much for me to work though with appropriate polite punctuation while I’m still sitting in bed in the morning.

Skipping that. Instead, just the simple scenario. You’ve gone and done it and you’ve spoken up and said, “I disagree with that.” So, assuming two normal adults, you go back and forth a bit about your conflicting opinions, and somehow, by the grace of Superman, you manage to escape the attention of the subtweeting instigators and just go back and forth with each other.

Eventually, that conversation has to end, right? Do you ever feel obligated – and I know some of you never do and that’s fine – to formally end the discussion with some kind of, “Oh, well, I guess we’re both right! Nice talking to you!” sort of gesture? EVEN IF YOU TOTALLY DON’T BELIEVE THE OTHER PERSON IS RIGHT AT ALL?

It’s just the polite thing to do. It seems that in a lot of social media, people are unable to consider a conversation closed and fully resolved unless both parties agree to give a little ground to each other or something like that. And if you don’t, you are fighting and being mean and rude. Sometimes I don’t want to give any ground and I don’t think you’re also kind of right and I think I’m ALL THE WAY right, and I don’t respect your opinion at all (thought of course I respect your right to have an opinion, even if it’s a dumb one) and I want to end the conversation there with YOU KNOWING that I don’t think you’re right. And I want that to not feel rude. I want to be totally at ease with being firm about how wrong I think you are without you – or the peanut gallery – assuming we now hate each other because I was such a dick for not just agreeing with you.

That needs to be a thing that’s allowed. Or a thing I allow myself, because no one is actually in charge of that. I need to be able to say, hey, you’re wrong, I’m always going to think you’re wrong, and I’m not going to acknowledge that you might be a little right BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE A HUGE LIE BECAUSE YOU ARE SO WRONG. And the other person should feel able to do the same thing with me. And life should move on.

Actually, I don’t have trouble doing this one. I do usually have trouble with my surprise over other people’s attitude toward it. I’ve disagreed with a casual Twitter friend before, you know, just talking away on Twitter about our opinions about something dumb, and had the other person say something about how she wishes we weren’t fighting. We’re not! I’m just telling you that I believe you’re wrong and you believe I’m wrong and that’s totally something adult people can do in real life except apparently not on social media. If I haven’t called someone a fuckface for her opinion, I really don’t think it’s crossed the line into rude.

3. There was a whole other thing here I decided wasn’t worth the hassle, which kind of perfectly illustrates my overall point.

Anyway. Here’s something else instead of what I had here before. On a work forum the other day, I saw a woman say, “I don’t mean to sound firm, but…” WHY DON’T YOU MEAN TO SOUND FIRM? YOU’RE MAKING A POINT. YOU CAN BE FIRM. How have the niceness police gotten so out of control that a woman completely denies being “firm,” even when she’s speaking about something she feels very strongly about? How have things gotten to the point that rudeness is an unforgivable affront, and “non-super-niceness” is the new rude?

I want to be done with all of this, because it’s weird an inappropriate for me to worry that I’m being mean and rude when I’m just being neutral. I don’t want Penelope to grow up thinking being rude is okay, but I also don’t want her to feel like she needs to let that dude with the bananas go ahead of her in the shopping line just because it’s expected, if she doesn’t feel like it.

I know these are all me things and not every person questions how other people might view her motivations if she says what she wants to say the way she wants to say it. And truthfully, the older I get, the less fucks I have to give about this kind of stuff because the people who know me as a person know who I am and if someone else wants to deliberately misinterpret me, fine. Go ahead. Don’t like me. The point in life where you realize you absolutely do not need everyone to like you has probably been the highlight of my life so far. But how, as an adult, am I still worried about a stupid exclamation point at the end of an email? How is that a thing?

As always, I flame out spectacularly when trying to pull everything together into a cohesive topic with one real conclusion. I guess I don’t have an overarching conclusion. I’m frustrated and I have been for a long time, and I’m kind of putting it out there to get that whole “yeah, me too!” thing that the people who read this blog have always been good for, with other examples of the same phenomenon and how they (you) think about the whole thing and how you cope or don’t cope with it, even if it is also a 2000 word rambling epic with no actual conclusion but just random fist shaking at the sky.

 

Time to move on from coffee.


First, thank you everyone so much for your comments on my last post. Usually by now, I’d have taken some time to go through and respond, but every time I sit down to do it, I’m just not prepared to do it. I read all the comments and really appreciate the support for us and for Brinkley. I especially appreciate people who took the time to document their own experiences, and those who talked about what had/hadn’t worked with their own children and what to expect in that area.

No extended preamble. I’ve talked about this before, I know I have, because of course I remember every single one of the 1600+ posts on this site, verbatim, and so do you.

Let me tell you something I think is adorable. I’ve written before about my love of Marc Summers and that show, Unwrapped. In every single episode of Unwrapped, someone from the company featured will tell you proudly how many of their item has been purchased or consumed, and how many times that item, if laid end to end, would circle the Earth. Every show. Sometimes they shake it up a bit by telling you how far into space they’d reach if stacked up. That is adorable and I never want it to stop, even though I don’t have cable anymore and haven’t seen an episode of Unwrapped in years. That is a thing that every episode does and I would never, ever be tired of it. However, there are also other types of cliches that are used without fail in certain types of things and I need them to stop. Unwrapped, you continue. Other people, stop.

For a long time now – a really long time – money saving articles, the type that give you several “simple” steps to cutting your budget and finding some extra dollars here and there to put away, have included the “cut out your daily Starbucks habit, you’ll be surprised at how fast it adds up!” It’s always been in there, since the dawn of time. The dawn of Starbucks. Whatever. It is a key point in saving money. It is the way to save money. Stop spending that $4 a day on coffee and watch the riches pour in, right? You will have a ton of money if you stop buying coffee shop coffee every day. It’s well known money science. Also, some articles helpfully point out how much cheaper it is to drink your coffee at home, rather than buy it at Starbucks. Cents a day, y’all! Compared to $4!

So that’s been going on forever. A really long time. Long enough for every single one of us to know that spending money at a place like Starbucks is a luxury, because the coffee at Starbucks is an expensive thing. You may not notice it’s an expensive thing, but just stop buying it, and then you’ll be well on your way to rich.

And now that “buying coffee at Starbucks is an expensive thing we assume you all do and need to stop if you ever want to have any money ever” is ingrained into our collective consciousness, it’s generally understood that Starbucks is an “expensive” thing to do, whether it’s occasionally or daily. Is it really expensive? Don’t know, that depends on how much money you have and how much of it you allocate to coffee-drinking, all of which is entirely personal and no one should ever give a shit about how many times a day someone else goes to Starbucks. But we all know we’re making the choice to never, ever be rich if we don’t give up the habit, because every single financial article ever has said so.

Now, though, there’s this other new trend, with Internet subscription services trying to appeal to you with how cheap they are. “Listen,” they say, “just the cost of a cup of coffee a day. That’s all. Not bad, eh?” And they’re trying to tell you that subscribing is a good idea, because, come on, a cup of coffee a day? That’s nothing! I drink a cup of coffee a day without even thinking about it! Of course this service is valuable and worth the money. EXCEPT this tactic is coming behind years and years of “LISTEN COFFEE IS WHAT IS MAKING YOU POOR. IF YOU STOP DRINKING THE COFFEE, YOU WON’T BE POOR.” So what is it, Internet service trying to get me to sign up? Am I supposed to give up that coffee for your Internet service and break even? Then what about the coffee? And really, Internet service, have you not been on the Internet for the last 15 years? We’ve already been informed repeatedly that coffee is too expensive to ever be enjoyed without guilt, and now you want me to add a second identical expense and tell me it’s NOT going to make me poor?

You can’t both use coffee. Coffee is done now. We’ve all been slightly shamed too many times about how that “daily Starbucks habit” – which, come on, how much of the population in reality ACTUALLY has a daily Starbucks habit? Enough of the population to make “cut out Starbucks” a universal money saving tip? I don’t think so. I just really don’t. Anyway. We’ve all been slightly shamed too many times about how that SUPPOSED “daily Starbucks habit” is keeping us down, and now a whole other half of the Internet wants to appeal to our sense of frugality by telling us we can have something for just the price of our “daily Starbucks habit?” We either need some communication between the halves of the Internet, or everyone has to stop using the coffee thing.

Actually, no choice. Everyone stop using the coffee thing. Just don’t. Stop with the coffee thing. Come up with something new for me to save money. Something realistic. And novel. Something someone trying to save money hasn’t already done. When we are broke, we do not go to Starbucks. Starbucks is not keeping me from achieving my financial dreams. How about something like, “Stop paying your dental insurance. You’ll be amazed by how quickly that adds up!” Or maybe if you want me to subscribe to your service, you can say, “For the price of just one month of electricity.” That’s a good one, I think. I pay for electricity without even thinking about it. You’d definitely have me there. Point is, you can’t use the Starbucks thing any more. I’ve just banned it. That’s done.

I don’t usually like to do that weird “semi-related question to inflate comment counts” at the end of my posts because I think it’s strange and painfully awkward, but I’m sitting here obsessed with trying to think of other examples along these lines, where every single article or whatever on a given topic uses the same illustration to the point that it’s now become nonsense. If you can think of any, hit me.

Oh and listen, I don’t even drink coffee, really.

 

Let me get your opinion on some things.


Today, or for the last few days, more accurately, I wanted to post about some stuff – okay, it’s been a week or so since I wanted to post about some stuff, I’m just having trouble getting back into the swing of this, or actually, it’s not that I’m having trouble getting back into the habit of blogging, but more having trouble getting back into the habit of finding time to write a couple of thousand words, and apparently zero interest in developing the habit of writing less. So stuff has been building up for a bit and it’s finally enough for a post, not that I can’t turn a 12 second interaction with a stranger into a 2000 word screed barely related to whatever my original point was going to be.

I’ve been thinking about a whole bunch of different unrelated stuff and just wanted to know what other people thought of them, or your personal experiences with them, because I… just want to know. So I’ll put them out there and you can chime in if you’ve got experience with what I’m talking about, or you heard some stuff from someone who does, or even if you have no experience and just want to say something. What the hell, go wild.

First thing. A week or so ago? Maybe more? I don’t know. What happened was, Cheesefiend on Instagram (Elephantitas Alegres on… blog) posted a picture of some turkish towels. I’ve seen turkish towels before and not been moved one way or the other, because I have towels. But right at this exact moment, my towels are kind of crappy and always falling out of the cabinet and they’re all mismatched, as if purchased one single set or even single towel at a time based on what was on sale at whatever store I was closest to at the moment I needed a towel instead of on any kind of aesthetic or quality preferences. I mean, almost like that, because I definitely want you to view me as the type of person who puts some thought into her towels. And I guess that picture was posted at just the right time, because those towels suddenly struck me as totally appealing. Thin enough to pack easily. Take up less space in that stupid hall closet I hate. Nice to look at. They’ll dry faster so they won’t be as gross as towels tend to get. 

But… they are really thin. Can they effectively dry off an entire person? And I mean a person who is a standard level of shower-wet. Just totally covered in water, which I assume most people are after a shower. And they’re expensive. Do they hold up really well? Are they a standard size, like bath sheet size, or more bath towel size? There are some people who will insist that bath sheets and bath towels are the same thing, did you know that? They are NOT. Anyway, do you have or have you used turkish towels? Do you just have one and prefer it for certain things, or are all your towels turkish towels? Where did you get them? How long have you had them? Do you love them or kind of wish they’d go to hell?

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Okay, next thing. If you follow me on Twitter or read my TinyLetter, you’ve probably heard me talk a little bit about this, but I’m going to talk some more about it: Brinkley isn’t doing well. If you’ve been reading this blog for a long time, you know that Brinkley is Phil’s dog who I immediately claimed as my own when we moved in together. Brinkley is my first dog, and I met him when he was four. He’s 10 now, almost 11, and earlier this week I took him to the vet because he’s been breathing kind of quickly. When we moved to this base, we were dealing with the side effects of Brinkley’s Valley Fever infection, and I was concerned that the disease was making a comeback in his body, since we’ve had him only on a maintenance level of his medication for a while now. It was about time to get that blood work checked again, so in we went. Unfortunately, it quickly turned into one of those “can you leave him for tests and come back later?” appointments. You know, the kind that cost almost a thousand dollars hold me.

They took some blood and some x-rays. Like always, the vet was pleasantly surprised by how great his blood work came back. Everything was perfectly within the normal range except for very, VERY slightly elevated liver levels. The valley fever results had to be sent out, so they will take a while to get back. The x-rays also had to be sent out for a consult, but our vet was able to tell us what he saw. Nothing too bad in the lungs, nothing that would indicate the valley fever was out of control. Brinkley’s hips looked awful – flatted where the ball and socket joint should be nice and round, and very jaggedy. His left leg also has little muscle mass, due to that giant abscess last year that ate away at all the muscle. So, increased pain could lead to the faster breathing, for sure. And a bit of a shadow around his liver that was worrisome.

The next day, I didn’t put my phone down for a second while I waited for a call back, and finally called back myself. When I got in touch with the doctor, he went over what the radiologists had said. Lungs are consistent with previous valley fever and just old dog-ness, nothing to be too concerned about there. Hips look bad, but we know that and took an additional pain medication prescription to try to make him more comfortable. The shadow around the liver, though, is a large mass. He’ll need an ultrasound and possible liver aspirations to determine what it is – a benign mass or malignancy, but they were very concerned. We live in a very small town with no access to pet ultrasounds, so our local vet made very quick work of getting us scheduled in the next town over for Monday morning. Before I hung up, I asked our vet to level with me and tell me what he thought. To his credit, he didn’t hedge or skirt the issue at all – he thinks it’s cancer and he thinks it’s not good.

We know Brinkley’s old, and I kind of knew he wouldn’t last forever. I mean, I knew it, but I don’t think I really knew it. A long time ago, Phil told me goldens have a life expectancy of 10 to 12 years, and I kind of only heard “12″ and have just assumed since that was the minimum we’d get. It doesn’t look like that’s going to happen now, and I feel absolutely incapable of dealing with any of the aspects of this situation. Over the last year and a half, our dogs have cost over $5,000 – money I can’t say we were happy to spend, but money we didn’t hesitate to spend. Before we even get a diagnosis, we’ll be in $1,000+ on this round of Brinkley problems. What if the vet says he’ll be fine… with a $3,000 surgery? We don’t have it. We just don’t. We’ve spent everything on Brinkley. Everything we have. Actually, technically, more than we have. And he’s old. And he’s uncomfortable. What if they need to do surgery to find out if it’s benign or malignant? With hemangiosarcoma, if it did turn out to be cancer, that surgery would only add a few more months at the outside.

I told Phil he needs to make a living will immediately, with every possibility considered, because I am not a person who is equipped to make these kinds of decisions, but thinking about it, who is? I mean, there’s not a course you take or anything to prepare yourself for this kind of thing, and part of responsible pet ownership is knowing how far to go and for how long. And making that call, whether it’s one you’ve made before or for your first pet, is probably going to vary wildly by situation. It just seems like such an impossibly big decision. I know Brinkley doesn’t know anything about this kind of stuff, but I know and making that choice for another living being is nuts. It’s insane to me.

Obviously we’re not at that point yet – Phil is taking the day off on Monday so he can stay with Penny while I take Brinkley the hour away to the vet for his ultrasound. We didn’t think it would be a good idea for Penelope to be present in case we do receive bad news, but rather tell her ourselves when we’re composed. But then, when? I assume even if Brinkley does have cancer, we caught it quickly, because I am an obsessive and anxious pet owner. Do we tell her right away, tell her he has a few months left, and that we’re going to be extra nice to him, and no, that’s Brinkley’s steak, your peanut butter and jelly is on the table? Or do we tell her at the end? Do we tell her exactly what will happen at the end, or go with something a little more euphemistic?

This is all premature and I know that, but you can probably understand that I’m incredibly anxious about how the next few days to few months are going to play out.  Just tell me anything. Tell me about how this went for you and what you did or didn’t do or what you’d do differently. Or what you think you’ll do in the same situation. Just tell me anything at all.

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Lastly. Let’s assume we’re all my age, because that’s what I usually do. Remember starting some new job or maybe with your parents or grandparents, whichever works for you, where you had to learn a new software or use a computer in a new way, or some process changed suddenly and you had to do things differently, and you just did it, while some older people (NOT ALL) had a really hard time in the most frustrating ways? Like making you (me) have uncharitable thoughts like, why is this so hard? Why are you trying to do it that way? Why would you think it would work that way? It’s intuitive, why are you making it so difficult for yourself?

I don’t know about you, but I always just kind of assumed it was a factor of growing up with computers, like from the very start, while a lot of older people learned on the job. I’m specifically thinking of the first company I worked for out of college that used a specific and clunky order processing software. I worked at a branch office, and I was sent to the main office in Boston to learn the program for the sales coordinators who worked up there. The trip was for a week. An hour after arrival at the main office, I emailed my boss to ask if my plane tickets could be changed. Done. Got it. I do not need to stay here in frigid Boston (SO MUCH SNOW that winter) for an entire week to learn one process in one piece of software. But the women who trained me said that was how long it took, so I had to stay the week, and I just had my branch office send all the orders to me at the main office and worked as normal. I guess I just thought that because I’m familiar with computers in general, as are others my age, I picked it up quickly.

And I continue to be familiar with computers and I don’t really have too much trouble picking up new things and I thought that’s how it would continue for my whole life – a factor of when I was born, not a factor of age itself. BUT I WAS WRONG. There are things that are coming out now – things that young people pick up and run with without issue – that I just cannot grasp. And it’s not one of those, “oh, kids these days doing weird things, why would I want to?” type things where I don’t get why someone would want to do it, but more that I actually cannot figure out how to do it effectively or as intended, despite my best intentions. Like, say, tumblr. I like to go there and look at stuff about my favorite (Korean) shows and favorite (Korean) bands and all of that. But to actually use it? Like make posts and reply to other people and interact with others? Can’t. Cannot figure it out. OR SNAPCHAT. I don’t think I have anything of particular interest to post on Snapchat, but I want to follow some makeup people, because that is my jam, and the whole interface is just boggling to me. Why can’t I do this? I’m basically technically savvy. I use a jillion apps with no problem. I think it’s that I’m old.

Again, I don’t mean something I can’t understand because it’s not of interest to me. Like say Justin Beiber. He exists, sure, but I don’t grasp the appeal in any real way because I’m just not interested. I’m talking about things I am totally interested in, but cannot work to save my life. Yet young people pick these things up the same way that I learned work software in an hour and couldn’t figure out why it would take anyone any longer. That’s a punch right in past me’s ego. It’s happened to you, too, though, right? You assume you’re knowledgeable in some way about some topic, and other people aren’t because they were born in a different time, but then NO. Something new is totally boggling and suddenly YOU are the person born in the different time, EVEN THOUGH YOU (I) FEEL VERY CURRENT TIME. Am I explaining that well? Let me know.

Anyway, I think that’s it for today. Tell me what’s going on with you.

Couples Massage. You’re about to be Swistled.


On Friday, Phil and I got a couples massage. I’d never had a massage before, and I had a lot of angst leading up to it since I don’t like to be touched. Like, at all. And all the other parts of a massage that seemed really awkward and distressing to me before I had one. I got more and more worked up about it as it approached, but I ended up going through with it. As I consider myself to be the most average person on Earth, I assume there are plenty of other people who have never had a massage or have massage-related first-worldy anxiety. Once it was over, I decided to lay it all out, Swistle-style, so anyone who is in my previous position can get an idea of what to expect. Swistle does this the best, so you’ll have to pardon me for doing a poor Swistle-imitation.

Phil and I don’t usually celebrate mother’s and father’s day. We actually have a kind of non-celebratey approach to holidays and such all together. We just usually end up mutually agreeing to let it pass without gifts, etc. This is especially true around the holiday season – we have our anniversary, then there’s Thanksgiving, then my birthday, then his, then Christmas, and it’s just a whole lot of events. So for our birthdays, we usually skip gifts and just do some joint activity, usually dinner, and call it good.

The joint birthday dinner was one time a huge problem. I love nothing in the world more than chocolate cake. Before we moved to a place with extremely limited choices, I used to choose where we went to dinner based on the potential for chocolate cake. So, one year, we decided to go to a restaurant for our joint birthday dinner, chosen because they had amazing chocolate cake. Phil and Penny had just gotten over a really bad stomach virus, so we were all ready to get out and eat some real food. I couldn’t really eat too much of my dinner and Phil was stuffed, so we took our slice of chocolate cake to go to share later. Later that night, I was struck with the same stomach virus. A day or two later, as I was laying in bed miserable, Phil came into our bedroom and said something about having some chocolate cake. Why not. I couldn’t eat it yet, so he might as well have some of it while it was still at its best.

WELL HE ATE ALL OF IT. He ate ALL of our joint birthday cake while I was sick, knowing chocolate cake is my favorite thing ever, and knowing that HE was the one who brought the death bug into our house.

AND THEN?

He bought me a box of Funfetti cake mix. “So you can make a new cake if you want.”

Anyway, despite that disaster that nearly lead to Phil’s perfectly timely death, we decided at random to go with a couples massage as a joint mothers/fathers day gift. He’s been really stressed lately, and I’m just a generally high stress individual, though I have nothing in life to actually be stressed about. Also, a couple of weeks ago? I hurt my back? And that’s a question, because I didn’t actually do anything. It just started hurting one day. And then my leg started spasming so badly I was shrieking in pain. The back pain went away, but the leg pain lingered for a long time. Even when it stopped twitching as much, my leg was so sore, like I’d been exercising it, but of course I hadn’t, because come on. So the massage seemed like a good idea at the time.

I booked it online, which is something I love about living in the future. I live in a small town, so it probably wasn’t as expensive as it could be, but it wasn’t a “let’s do this every week!” kind of amount of money, either. Definitely fell into the “treat” category.

Like I said, I’d never had a massage before because I always figured it was more suited for other people. I had several concerns. The first was that I generally really don’t care for being touched. It feels strange and uncomfortable to me. Relatedly, when someone has rubbed my back or something in the past, it hurt. I have no way of knowing if I’m more sensitive than other people or anything like that, but firm physical contact – hugs, hand shakes, etc – are often painful. Even Phil hurts my arms when he hugs me. Is that normal? I really can’t have any idea, but whether it’s standard or not, it’s one of the reasons I thought I wouldn’t enjoy a massage. Based on life experience, I assumed it would be uncomfortably painful. The second concern was obviously the undressed-ness. You can give yourself all the pep talks in the world about how a massage therapist is a professional and has seen everything, but the everything they’ve seen hasn’t included MY body, so there’s some angst in there. I assumed I’d be so focused on body insecurity that I wouldn’t be able to relax. Basically, I’d never had a massage because I didn’t think I’d find it at all comfortable and relaxing.

So. The reality of how it went.

We got there a couple minutes early as requested and we each filled out a short form about medical conditions and any current problems for the therapists to focus on. We went to a small room with the two massage beds in it. It was really dim and smelled nice, but not TOO much smell. Just enough smell. There was a bathroom attached to the room, and they suggested we use it if we needed to because we’d be laying down for an hour, then they told us to “undress to our comfort level.” That was one of the things I was worried about, because that’s what everything on the Internet said – just undress to the point you’re comfortable. I would be more comfortable if I knew what was expected and then decided my actual comfort level from there. But the therapist followed with “most people undress to just their bottom underwear.”

Before we got there, I’d seriously been fully intending to keep my pants on because I couldn’t imagine being comfortable without them, and definitely keeping my bra on because I am not comfortable without a bra, period. My therapist said it would be difficult for her to massage my back with my bra on, so I decided to just suck it up and take it all off down to my underpants. They left the room while we changed and said we should get under the blankets on the tables when we were done, so there was only really a moment of OH GOD I’M BASICALLY NUDE IN PUBLIC. I don’t even take that much of my clothes off for the doctor. They leave the little paper dress and come back to find me fully dressed with a little paper dress sitting next to me, because no. I don’t like to have more than 30% of my body exposed at a time. Everyone’s got their limit, and that’s mine. But the tables had both a sheet and a heavy soft blanket on them, pulled up really high, so I could get right in there and be covered up to my neck. Plus, Phil was there in his underpants. I think that made it easier for me. I don’t know if I’d have done a massage for the first time by myself.

There was a little heated thing on the table to go behind our necks or shoulders while we waited for the therapists to come back. They gave us plenty of time, so no chance of being caught naked and diving under the sheet. They explained what they were going to do, and how we should try to stay as limp as possible, etc.

So here’s something I didn’t expect, but probably should have if I had thought it through. The first thing the therapist did was take my hair down. I guess I’d thought putting it up – which I always do anyway – would have it out of her way and save a lot of hassle, but she wanted it down. If I’d known she was going to take it down, I wouldn’t have put my usual 8000 pins in it, because that was a pain in the ass for her, and I kept apologizing. Also, Penny was at a sitter for the day, so Phil and I were out kind of making a day of it (I also had a doctor’s appointment, so it wasn’t like a super FUN day or anything, but still), so I’d done my makeup. I know I talk a lot about makeup, but I don’t wear a full face every day or even most days, but since I was having a day out with Phil, I did wear quite a bit. She started with massaging my head, forehead, and sides of my face, so the massage oil rubbed off a lot of my makeup. Just something I’d remember in the future, and probably should have thought of beforehand.

ON TO MY WORRIES.

First, I was concerned I’d be super sensitive about my body. Before we started, they asked if there was anywhere we didn’t want to be touched, and I gestured to my whole middle area. She informed me that they don’t touch there anyway, so that was good. And since they start at the top, like with the head, neck, shoulders, and arms, it’s kind of like easing into it. Every time a new area was touched, I’d feel a twinge of angst about how it looked or felt, but I didn’t end up dwelling on that like I’d assumed I would. Except for when they’re doing the arms, you really don’t actually see the therapist too much. That’s obviously extra true if you keep your eyes closed. Because the room is so quiet and because you don’t see the therapist too much, for me it was almost kind of easy to forget there was a person there. I don’t mean to dehumanize the therapist or anything, but that’s the best way I can think to explain it. It doesn’t really feel like hands attached to a person. It’s easy to kind of let go of the idea that there’s another person there.

And that brings up a whole other thing, about paying a person to rub all up on your body, but these are not normal people. I mean, they’re people, but massage therapist people are different than you and me. If you’ve gotten a back rub or massage from your husband or whatever, that’s one thing, but these women maintained such consistent pressure with their hands, I feel like they probably crack open walnuts and crush full beer cans without a problem. They’re not like hands I’d ever felt before, which adds to the whole ability to kind of detach from the fact there’s a person rubbing all up on you.

Another thing. You know how people associate Enya and pan flutes and all of that with spas and woo woo tra la la stuff. I thought I’d be kind of annoyed by the music – standard pan flutes and nature sounds and whatever – but it turns out they play that stuff for a reason. It’s totally part of it. I had thought maybe I’d want my own headphones to listen to my own music, but that would have detracted from the experience for sure. But silence would have been too uncomfortable. That weird woo woo stuff is actually played for a legit reason.

A good thing: I was never more than 30% exposed. That was a delightful surprise. After she worked on each arm, she tucked it back into the blanket. When she did the legs, she’d uncover one and carefully tuck the sheets and blanket around the other one, then cover the first one before exposing the second. That was another thing that hadn’t occurred to me, but it’s a really thoughtful process. I guess I thought I’d end up with a sheet draped over my butt region and nothing else. The reality was way better.

Laying on my stomach was a bit uncomfortable. I have a large chest and I didn’t wear my bra, so there was really no getting around that. But when it was time to lay on my stomach, the therapist lifted the blanket to create a sort of tent shield and explained how she wanted me to turn, so even the awkward flip was fully covered. Nary a nipple was seen that day.

Our massage included hot rocks, and the therapist would say “hot” right before she touched me with one, and they WERE hot. For the first few seconds, I was very close to saying “too hot TOO HOT,” but I waited it out for a moment and I adjusted quickly. But that didn’t stop me from feeling the same little flare of panic each time she added a new rock. It was just bordering on “oh shit,” but not quite there.

At the end, they put steam towels on our backs left the room. They told us not to get up, because they were just going to get us some water. They brought cool water back in (apparently you should drink a lot of water the day you get massaged or you’ll be sore), took the towels off our backs, and told us to take our time getting ready and they’d meet us out in the lobby. We didn’t lay too long because it’s not really our style, but since the room is dim and calm and quiet, I could see how some people might want to take a few minutes before getting up.

When we went out to pay, they had more water for us, and I drank all of it and left none for Phil because that’s how our marriage works.

Our appointment was for 75 minutes, and I thought an hour was a really, really long time to lay still and be rubbed by someone, but it does go by quickly. Not so fast I was like, “whoa, what?,” but fast enough that my concerns about being bored/having to pee/etc were not necessary.

So the massage itself was really pleasant, but I didn’t feel different upon leaving. That is, I didn’t feel super loose and wobbly or whatever. My leg wasn’t sore for the rest of the day, so that was nice, but I wouldn’t say I experienced any lasting benefits from the massage. Maybe that’s something that happens if you get them regularly.

I thought I’d spend the whole time so uptight about my body and nudity and someone touching me that I wouldn’t be able to relax, and that didn’t turn out to be true at all. However, there is a lot of time for your mind to kind of wander, which lead to me thinking about things like work, decisions we have to make for Penelope, and random other stressful things. I suppose that’s better than spending an hour angsting over how my butt looks, but not especially relaxing. If you’re good at clearing your mind, you probably wouldn’t have that problem, but if you’re prone to over thinking things, a massage is a lot of time to lay there and think.

One of the main comforting things that people say about massage therapists is that they’ve seen everything, so you don’t have to worry about them thinking something weird about you. That’s never really worked for me. What might have worked for me is to know that massage therapists are really very, very good about ensuring your comfort without making it seem like they’re going out of their way to cater to your prudishness. The whole system is so carefully thought out and enacted that there’s not really any space to feel exposed or vulnerable or insecure. You also don’t have to make any decisions or judgments on your own. Like you don’t have to spend time wondering about how your going to execute your turnover without exposing your belly stretch marks. They already have a plan for that.

Some parts did hurt a little bit, but I got the impression she was focusing on those areas – like the spot between my neck and shoulder – because she felt they were particularly tight, so I didn’t ask her to ease up. I also never asked her to increase the pressure, though she told me I should let her know if I wanted it harder or softer. It’s possible I didn’t feel as loose and relaxed afterward because I didn’t ask her to increase the pressure. The pressure she used, though, didn’t hurt and since I generally expect firm contact to hurt, I felt like I should just leave it where it was.

If you’ve had massages before, you probably knew all of this. Or maybe you haven’t had a massage before and still knew all of this. But again, I’m operating on the idea that I’m the most average person on Earth, so there are definitely some people out there who spend the days leading up to a massage scouring the Internet for information to prepare a little better, and these are some of the things I would have wanted beforehand.

To my surprise, I would definitely do it again. At this point, I’d be comfortable going on my own, as well, if I went to the same place. Even though I didn’t experience any lasting benefits, the whole thing was a enjoyable use of time.

Oh, Phil liked it, too.

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So here’s a thing I think I kind of understand now.


Like most of you, I’m pretty serious about car seats and their safe use. Putting your child in the car is absolutely the most dangerous thing you do every day, and hopefully the most dangerous thing they encounter in their entire lives, for the sake of my nerves and sanity. It absolutely is dangerous for a child to be in the car. They are much more likely to be injured or killed in your car than anywhere else. Car seats do an incredible amount to mitigate potential damage, but they must be used correctly.

These are facts. You can’t argue with them. Well, you can, but you’d be wrong. These things are true and there’s not anything you can do to make them untrue, even if you find it incredibly stressful to think about the fact that your daily errands are actually the biggest risk to your child, and not, say, letting them walk home from the park two blocks away by themselves. The car is more dangerous and we do it all the time.

The fact that these are inarguable facts is what always ends up making car seat discussions so weird to me. The reaction of some people just never made sense. Because you can’t argue with facts. But you know how it goes – an article goes around Facebook, giving some tips about proper chest clip placement or a new guideline for car seats. And you or someone else shares it, because it’s information we all need. There’s some discussion, and then someone explains why it’s not actually the safe thing to do in their specific situation. Which, fine. That’s fine. We all have to make decisions for our kids like that, things that go against what everyone else does or what someone else might think is the best thing to do. You are allowed to do that. It’s your child, you know best. End of. You should be okay with this, no matter the decisions you make. For most people, I in no way feel that these choices aren’t made from a place of proper concern and care of the child.

However, your (the general your) choice not to follow a specific safety guideline does not invalidate that guideline. Your choice to do something different doesn’t immediately make your version of the rules just as safe as the issued guidelines. It doesn’t. You should feel confident in your choices, because you wouldn’t have made them if you didn’t weigh it out and decide it was the right way to go, but your choices don’t have a place in discussions of actual safety guidelines. You’ve evaluated the information on your own and made a decision based on those facts, your own life, and your own child. That does not mean it’s okay for others to make the same choice, or that others should be encouraged to discard guidelines.

And this is the weird part. In a lot of these discussions, it ends up being an absolute refusal to accept that the issued guidelines are the safest thing to do. Whether you follow them or not, they are the safest. When you choose not to follow them, you are trading a measure of this kind of safety for a measure of whatever works best for your family. And again, that’s fine. It could not be more fine. If you understand the safety guidelines and choose something else, you’re well within your rights and you probably have good reasons. There are people out there who don’t know the proper guidelines, though. Who place the chest clip too low, who turn the seat around way too early, who put their kids in giant bulky coats in the infant bucket. What they’re doing is not safe, because they don’t know the guidelines and haven’t made an informed choice to do these things. They’re just doing it wrong.

So what always surprises me is one, that refusal to acknowledge that whatever you decide to do, there IS a “safest way.” And two, how agitated people who don’t follow the guidelines get over the fact that there ARE guidelines they’re not following. It just keeps going, with justification after justification for not following them, as if they need someone to say, “okay, in your situation, that’s fine, because the guidelines don’t apply to you.” You must acknowledge that my child is as safe as yours. You HAVE to acknowledge it, or you’re a dick. But if you’re not following the guidelines, your child is NOT as safe as mine in a car accident. That’s just a fact. You can’t argue with it, and the other side can’t truthfully acknowledge that your kid is just as safe, because he isn’t. If you’re going to go against posted guidelines, you need to accept the fact that you’ve made that trade off and feel okay with the idea that it works for you, without approval from those who are guidelines-sticklers.

Until a couple of days ago, this phenomenon made no sense to me. It’s TOTALLY FINE to do whatever you want with your own child after availing yourself of the information and making an informed decision. Why are you getting so worked up that other people don’t agree that it’s the absolute best thing to do? It doesn’t matter. Your individual choice to go against whatever is in the article posted has zero effect on anyone else. On top of that, you probably understand that you’re going against the “rules” and know that it’s not a good idea to encourage others to do the same. So just… why so worked up?

BUT THEN. There was this article posted on Reddit. It discusses how children who receive general anesthesia before the age of 4 had “diminished language comprehension, lower IQ and decreased gray matter density in posterior regions of their brain.” And my immediate gut reaction was, “THAT’S NOT TRUE.” I was instantly aggravated and denied the possibility that it could possibly be true. Because Penny had surgery before the age of 4. I thought, “What was I supposed to do? She needed surgery. We did the right thing. It can’t be harmful, because we did the right thing.” And that’s when the whole car seat thing clicked for me.

It’s a fact – children who receive general anesthesia before the age of 4 do present those limitations and whatnot. But I instantly felt like it couldn’t be true, because I would never harm Penny like that. How dare some science article imply that my choice caused damage to my kid? I wouldn’t do that. But it’s true. It’s a fact, and my intentions matter nothing to facts.

That immediate, “I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FACE FOR THESE LIES ABOUT ME ENDANGERING MY OWN CHILD” reaction makes me kind of understand where the Facebook comment arguers are coming from. I’m a good (okay, decent) parent. I always have Penelope’s best interests at heart. To suggest that I don’t – even with facts I can’t argue with – is infuriating and upsetting.

But facts are facts. I did what was best for my kid, and the facts say there could be consequences. It’s upsetting, but I did what I thought was best with the best intentions. I need to be okay with that because it’s reality, just like people who choose different car seat practices need to be okay with the potential consequences of their own choices, provided they make them with plenty of information and the best intentions.

Anyway, that’s all.

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Baffled is the word. We’re going with baffled.


Let me tell you about this thing I’ve planned to post about for a couple years now, but every time I thought, “okay, today is the day I’ll post that,” someone would engage in the behavior I was talking about or a similar behavior, and everyone knows that you can’t say something annoys you without every person who has ever engaged in such a behavior one, assuming it is about him specifically, and two, concluding that you must hate them as a person in total because this one common behavior kind of annoys you. Then you have to go through the whole polite, accepted process of justifying why you’re annoyed and inventing circumstances that allow you to say, “No, it doesn’t annoy me when YOU do it. When YOU do it, it’s fine.” So I needed to achieve some distance from any kind of specific instance so as to fully assure everyone I know it’s not about you, I don’t hate you, and keep doing it, I don’t give a shit, I’m just writing a blog here.

So this is kind of in two parts, because if I don’t put it in two parts, I’ll just go off on a tangent on the real part, and you know how I hate to do that. This is the first part, which is something about me that I guess makes me more sensitive to the second part. Well, sensitive isn’t the right word, it’s not like I get my feeler hurt if it happens, it’s just a thing. But because of my personal experience, I probably note it happening more than other people might make a note of it, but I don’t know that for sure. I’m not you. Anyway. First thing. About me. I’m going to move to a new paragraph for ease of reading, not for dramatic impact.

I don’t really like movies. That might be too harsh. I’m really neutral on movies as a thing. I haven’t seen many compared to the average person, I think. I kind of find movie theaters uncomfortable and then just never really get around to seeing many at home. This isn’t new. I haven’t seen much in recent years other than the Harry Potter movies, and I haven’t seen a lot of stuff that’s considered standard for my generation. I don’t think this is a big thing, really, or unique to me. There are probably tons of people just like me. I do consider myself to be the most average person I know, so normally I’d assume a huge amount of the population is exactly like me. It probably is, but slightly less than the normal giant portion. I’m pretty used to the gasps of shock when things come up, you know, “WHAT? You haven’t SEEN THAT?” I don’t know, I was doing something else that day. Sometimes I remember exactly what I was doing that day, like when I opted to take a practice SAT instead of watching Jurassic Park or when my friend turned on Star Wars and I said, “Let’s do something else.”

It’s not a thing at the TIME, though. It doesn’t become a thing until the time has passed and you’re an adult, and someone is shocked that you didn’t see something that they – or a large number of theys – consider to be a quintessential part of growing up from  years 19XX to now. So, right, there’s fairly often a bit of “HOW have you not SEEN that?” in my life. I don’t know how often it’s in yours. I usually just shrug it off. There’s not really a “how” involved. I just didn’t watch it. It wasn’t required, I didn’t do it. That’s the whole story.

Moving on to part two, the actual thing. I am kind of baffled by – okay, I’m moving away from annoyed. I’m not really annoyed, it’s not the right word. Baffled is closer. I can’t work myself around to the mindset of people who say these kinds of things, because it me, it doesn’t really make sense. It’s baffling, so that’s what we’re going with. So, how often do you hear someone say something like – if the someone is you, that’s fine, I don’t hate you, none of this means I hate you – “I was talking to some high schoolers today and they had no idea who Popular Singer/Band/Actor of my time was!” Or “I overhead some college girls talking today and they had never heard of This Movie. I FEEL SO OLD.” Often followed with something like, “Kids today don’t appreciate the classics” or “It must be unique to this one specific young person because there’s no way huge swaths of people don’t know something that everyone knows.”

I don’t get it. I mean, I get it, but I don’t, when I really think it through. People of a younger generation don’t appreciate key elements that felt like a dear and important part of your growing years. It’s shocking, I guess, to find that something so deeply appreciated by and ingrained in you has not even bounced off the surface of today’s younger people. And I suppose it can make them seem shallow, because you have such a deep appreciation and if they don’t even KNOW who it IS, there’s no way they have such a deep appreciation of things.

But here is what I think: it’s not even remotely unusual that someone who grew up years separated from the cultural experiences of your youth wouldn’t catch a reference to them or even have heard of them before. Why would they? There’s no expected responsibility on young people to take the time to research into the back catalogs of everyone who came before. We didn’t, not most of us, not to any huge extent. I know – WE know who the classic rock gods who came before our popular music were. But so do they. They know the big names, generally. But when they’re thinking of appreciating classic songs and older music, maybe it’s… I don’t know, Green Day.

It’s weird to me to be shocked and appalled at the lack of cultural knowledge of younger people, because it’s assuming that your cultural knowledge and experience is the universal one, which is a natural thing to do. But how deeply aware of college students’ impactful cultural experiences are you, or of teenagers? Do you know all the songs that are going to remind them of their last year of high school, and have you seen all the movies they’re going to be excited to show their own kids some day? Probably a bit, but not the whole rich cultural background they’re going to carry to your own age. It doesn’t really make sense for you to do know all of it as if you’d experienced it, because you haven’t experienced it. Same as they haven’t experienced yours. All of it is available to everyone, but if you don’t feel like taking it in, you’re not going to, and why would you? It’s not yours, really.

It’s not really weird to be shocked at a younger person’s lack of what you consider to be basic knowledge or general experience, because it happens to everyone. But when you really think it through, it doesn’t make sense. There’s no real reason to be amazed that a person hasn’t seen a certain movie or has never heard of your teenage favorite band. They didn’t watch the movie because it wasn’t important to them. They haven’t heard that band because they were, at best, a fetus when the band was popular and fetuses aren’t known for their expansive knowledge of popular culture.

I realize I’m blending two things together here – my own “failure” to take in a lot of the popular media of my own generation and the perceived failure of younger generations to appreciate the popular media of my generation, but I think they kind of go together. There are a lot of weird things we do because they’re things we do, but when you take the time to think them through to the end, they don’t actually make much logical sense. So, that’s all.

This is what Penelope looks like now, if you’re interested.

Penny-043

Penny-188

How have you all been? What’s going on? Anything interesting you want to tell me? I’m here all day.

Put a cushion on your reading chair.


I’m ready to come back here now, but I only want to talk about stuff I want to talk about.

Let’s meet back here tomorrow.