The New Restaurant, a Phil Story
Whenever I’ve gone a few days without any kind of significant posting, it feels all strange and awkward to sit down to write something, like I’ve got to reintroduce myself to the Internet, like somehow over the course of three days we have all completely and totally forgotten that we’re the best of pals.
Anyway, I appreciate your patience while we have been moving into our new house, especially those of you who have emailed me in the last two or three days (ok, months) and are waiting for a response.
And now, a Phil Story
^*****^
Hey, Phil, before we go run our errands, we should get some breakfast. What’s that? Yes, why don’t we try that restaurant we’ve never been to, that would be nice!
I’m excited to be here, too, Phil! Let’s order an appetizer!
I, too, think ribs were an excellent choice! Let’s bite them, your enthusiasm for ribs and fries is quite contagious!
Okay, well, not the greatest start for a new restaurant, I know. There’s just nothing as sad as a terrible plate of ribs, right? But please, put that lower lip away, you still have your delicious breakfast coming!
There’s that somewhat frightening smile I know and love! Country fried steak and eggs benedict, that seems right up your gross alley! Well, don’t let me keep you and your thumbs, go ahead and eat!
What? It was exactly as horrible as you’d expect two horrible things to taste when combined together? I can’t say I’m shocked, but your obvious crushing disappointment makes me wish the waitress would come by more than once every hour and a half so I can tell her how her restaurant’s poor service and half-assedly cooked food makes you such a sad panda. I must say, my food also tasted like 17 different varieties of smashed cat asshole on a tortilla! Let’s just go finish our errands and head home to recover and contemplate how such a place, with a menu full of interesting and delicious-looking food, could turn out to be such a steaming pile of poo in both service and taste!
Why are you making that face at me? You’re always making that face at me. Are you still upset about your horrible breakfast? I know. I’m going to be scarred for a long time, too. No? That’s not it? Oh. It’s because I told you that we didn’t need a basket and now you have to carry a can of peaches, a packet of instant mashed potatoes and a pork loin in your actual HANDS. And the pork loin is cold, you say? How uncomfortable for you, Nancy. What can I do to make it up to you?
I’ll sing you a song, ok?
No?
Shamrock Shake? All right! I still think the song was pretty awesome, though.
